NEWSLETTER: "STAN IT'S YOUR DINNER, YOUR MUMMY IS MY WIFE"
* WHEN DID THEY DIE? Yep, let's play death
* DAVID LYNCH CHALLENGE - Results are IN
* THE TOKYO STATIONS - you shouldn't get stuck in
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by not allowing shitty
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| AI images on the /board"
B3ta's WWW Telegraph 936 - 31st Jan 2025
Read this issue in braille with your cock/lips:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue936
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making "eggs" people refuse to eat
* GLEEFUL BEASTS - Joel Veitch of Thomas The
Wank Train fame is working on a new animation
series and says, "We are going to cut these into
YouTube episodes a few minutes long, like this,
and stick them up for your perusal and
education. Hooray!" He's also looking for a rich
billionaire to fund him to make a trip to the
moon, so if that's any of our readers then get
in touch.
https://b3ta.com/links/Episode_1_of_Gleeful_Beasts...
* DRILL DOWN TO THE WORDS, A PUZZLE - Porter
writes, "I've made a twist on Semantle and
Contexto where instead of guessing for a single
hidden word you're challenged to guess two
hidden words that are antonyms of each other."
Didn't mind this actually, that's probably high
praise these days.
https://antonymz.web.app
* BLUE MONDAY, AS SUNG BY SOMEONE WHO CAN'T
SPELL - merkinhead has made one of those videos
that mishears lyrics as people from the socials.
It's a lot of fun, he's also tied it into that
thing that says one that Blue Monday is the most
depressing day of the year, but that was just
some made-up PR bollocks that makes people angry
each year and they all rabidly debunk it, so
ignore that and enjoy the puns.
https://b3ta.com/links/Premi_ring_on_B3ta_Blue_Fun...
* DRAGONS DEN EDITING SPOOF - Dave Bagpuss has
been playing with his video mulching software
and writes, "Can our plucky contestant win the
support from the Dragons to buy a £30 birthday
present for his girlfriend?"
https://b3ta.com/links/Dragons_Den_Thirty_Pounds
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Go on and buy some clothes
Hebtro make durable clothing mostly for men, and
it's all manufactured in the UK. It's ideal for
a treat for yourself, or if you're in the market
for buying gifts for blokes, then it's a big
list of things that'll probably go down well.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Confessions thing that got a bit out of hand
Each week we tell you to stop confessing and
still they come in. Here's three we barely
tolerated recently:
* WEDDING CRASHER - "Went to the wedding of a
university friend. When we got to the meal,
realised I hadn't been invited as my name was
not on the seating plan. Being in WhatsApp
groups of other attendees I just assumed I had
been invited as I knew everything about the day.
Truly mortifying."
* DOCTOR RUMMAGE - "I had a one night stand with
a doctor. While he was fondling my breasts he
said 'you should have your GP check this lump
out'. Not the most romantic thing anyone has
ever said to me, but I did. It was breast cancer
which was detected in time. Can't tell my
husband how I found it."
* CHARITY BEGINS WITH LIES - "Lied to my boss
about spending a voluntary 'charity day' at a
local nature reserve for a free day off. Popped
along to get a photo as proof, met some
volunteers and spent the day helping them. Had a
great time. Can't work out if I'm ahead or not."
Follow the account that has 84,000 followers on
BlueSky, which is kinda cool but it's not a
million is it? Come on, ask one million of your
friends, ok?
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
** Come to the FESSHOLE shows: ***
Last week we did Wolverhampton and genuinely had
a great time with catching up with people your
editor had not seen for 30 years. These are the
upcoming ones:
Leicester - Y Theatre - 7th February 2025
Preston - The Continental - 12th March 2025
Swansea - Elysium Gallery - 17th April 2025
Tiverton - Comedy Hall - 5th July 2025
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Fuck it buy the book - it's "quite good"
according to a man who approached us in a
toilet. Thanks mate.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
And finally this was an interview your editor
gave to the BBC and tells the story of the Cow
Liberation Front. Yes, deep deep internet lore
from the mid 90s.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p0klnq7z
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Remember websites? Of course you don't
* OOH AHH JUST A LIDL BIT - W****e of the week
tests your knowledge of everyone's favourite
part of shopping when skint - the middle of
Lidl. Can you guess the prices of the
suspiciously cheap merchandise?
https://truebug.itch.io/lidldle
* EVERYONE IS DEAD, EVERYONE - A year guesser in
which you must work out when famous people
kicked the bucket. No excuse for b3tans to get
any wrong after 2016 due to ChrisTheBarker
providing 9 years of Sgt Pepper crib sheets.
https://www.whentheydied.com
* MAKE ROBOTS QUAKE - A novel idea for a
captcha, which should prevent non-gamers posting
on your John Romero phpBB fan forum. Prove you
are good at Doom to enter. Probably should
require b3tan's to draw a magenta cock in MS
Paint before allowing them to post.
https://doom-captcha.vercel.app
* THE SHEEP AT THE CENTRE OF YOUR UNIVERSE - You
probably won't have ever wondered where is
London's most central sheep but it's nice that
someone has, then worked it out, and then had to
publish a correction to his previous work as he
was wrong.
https://diamondgeezer.blogspot.com/2025/01/londons...
* IS THAT A SUB-PIXEL SNAKE OR ARE YOU PLEASED
TO SEE ME? - you know those pixels on your
screen? Each one is made of three tiny leds -
red green and blue - and some foolhardy fucker
has made a version of NOKIA snake that treats
each sub pixel as a character block. So small
you need a microscope to play, which is a boast
that could liven up a few bedrooms.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* STATIONS OF DESPAIR - fun article exploring
the stations you can get stuck in in Tokyo if
you fall asleep and miss your stop.
https://soranews24.com/2024/12/21/station-of-despa...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
David Lynch
The director of the pregnancy test commercial
'Clear Blue Easy' died and you played tribute in
the only way you know fit: by fucking with his
more iconic moments, not from that advert, using
Paint Shop Pro.
* We can't talk about this one as the guy's name
literally gives the punchline away.
https://b3ta.com/board/11414814
* Monkeon makes us laugh coz he's a fucking
genuis
https://b3ta.com/board/11414837
* And sod it, let's have another Monkeon one,
and 50p to anyone who could make this real
https://b3ta.com/board/11414934
* See all the other images from the 'David
Lynch' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/davidlynch/popular/
>> This week: Kids TV in History <<
Send your favourite children's TV characters
back in time to appear Zelig-like at key points
in history. How would things have been different
with Zippy, Grotbags or Zammo in attendance?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kidstvinhistory/popular/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to spark you off
* MAKE YOUR OWN STAR FORMATIONS - some sort of
app where you can draw a dog, from joining up
stars, and then get to name it. Surely we,
collectively, can do better than the current
constellations. Leo, for instance, is clearly K9
from Doctor Who.
* A MAGIC BUTTON TO FIND GREEN SPACES - we were
pootling around google maps in our local area
and we found a community garden we didn't know
about and went and visited it and it was great.
How can this stuff be more surfaced?
* A REBOOT SWITCH FOR AMERICA - coz it's fucked
isn't it? And it's taking us all down with it.
No worries, don't despair, hide yourself in
slightly odd content whilst the bad stuff
happens elsewhere and email us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Soup)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "SAUSAGE" FESSHOLE
"My ex-wife and I share joint care of the dog. I
make sure there's always a sausage waiting for
him in my car so when I pick him up he's so
excited to see me he literally jumps into my
arms every single time. It's the small wins."
