NEWSLETTER: "CALM DOWN, IT'S JUST AN INTERNET NEWSLETTER, OK?"
* USELESS CLOCK - that tells time in QR codes
* OTHER USELESS CLOCK - that tells time in swears
* NOT A CLOCK - Kids TV challenge results
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by reminding you other
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| websites exist, sorta"
B3ta 937 - 14th Feb 2025
Read this issue using 1k of speech synthesis
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue937
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their kids embarrassed
* SHEDS SHEDS SHEDS - Uncle Wilco tells us that
his 'shed of the year' competition is open for
entries again. He's also added your newsletter
editor into a list on social media of "people he
suspects own a shed" and he's WRONG. However if
you do own a shed, do enter, coz you might win
your own weight in Cuprinol, or something,
enough to drink yourself blind at least.
https://unclewilco.substack.com/p/cuprinol-shed-of...
* SWEARCLOCK ON BLUESKY - in our mission to
slowly remove ourselves from the clutches of
Elon's fascism machine, we've got Swearclock
working on the better social network. It's also
actually working 24 hours a day, unlike the
Twitter one, which stopped working for some
reason and we couldn't be arsed to work out why.
Abandon all clocks now etc.
https://bsky.app/profile/swearclock.bsky.social
* TV BOLLOCKS - Dave Bagpuss writes, "For 14
long winters, Death In Paradise has been
formulaically entertaining (or infuriating)
sun-starved viewers with its cosy murder mystery
shenanigans. I've condensed an average series
down to about a minute long." Nope, we've never
seen this show either, and thankfully, now we
don't have to.
https://b3ta.com/links/Death_In_Paradise_Condensed
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes OK?
Listen up B3tans, if you want newsletters to
turn up, you need to support our sponsor Hebtro.
They make clothing in the UK to the highest
standard, so the pricing reflects how long
they'll last. Also they're good eggs, unlike
whichever Cryptobro is fucking your economy this
week. Dig in.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Confessions fessed up the old fashioned way
Every so often some wanker tells us that they
could train AI on Fesshole and supply the same
job as our method of getting thousands of people
to do it for real. Yeah, but it would be
soulless crap and who wants to read what a
computer thinks? We do it properly, like your
mum did in the 1970s. Now, here's our fav three
this week.
* SHITS - "One of my mates, growing up, thought
he would be funny and do a shite in a urinal at
the cinema. I alerted a member of staff, who
said they'd call the police unless he removed
it. They didn't even give him gloves so he
lifted with his bare hands. My prank was funnier
than his"
* DOLLS - "Not even had a hint of sex for five
years. Ordered myself a sex doll off Aliexpress.
Just arrived home to a soggy battered box with a
doll's head sticking out on my doorstep, think
I'm going to have to move."
* ACCENTS - "Wife is lovely but is awful with
accents. She told our Irish builder that she
turned down a good quote to do our front garden
because the guy was Irish. When he was done I
gave him £50 extra and told him she has learning
difficulties. Not the first time I've had to do
this."
Follow the account that has 1/10th the followers
on BlueSky than Twitter but is morally purer for
it.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
** Come to the FESSHOLE shows: ***
Preston - The Continental - 12th March 2025
Swansea - Elysium Gallery - 17th April 2025
Tiverton - Comedy Hall - 5th July 2025
BTW: Last week we played Leicester and had a
fucking great time - hope you all enjoyed
yourselves if you came. If you didn't: fuck you,
you're not having your money back.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books - we actually sold 31 of these at
the Wolverhampton gig coz Waterstones came down
with a load of stock. So thank you Waterstones,
you're alright and we promise to stop
shoplifting there and only do it at Smiths.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
And fuck it, read the interview we did with the
Wolverhampto paper of record, the Express and
Star:
https://www.expressandstar.com/news/2025/01/26/enj...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your guide to the internet dot web
* STAR TREK THEME BUT THE ENTERPRISE PLAYS IT -
Bemajinn writes, "This feels very 'old internet'
so i thought fellow b3tans would enjoy. This guy
has done a series of Star Trek intros, but the
music is being blasted from the ship and can
only be heard like it's an old crapped out Audi
warping through Tesco's car park."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* FUCKING USELESS CLOCK - Always enjoy a novelty
web clock, the more pointless the better. This
one gives you a new QR code every second, so you
can ignore your phone's clock and scan it to
find out the time. Probably doesn't do anything
on the hour but it really should link you a
random gif of a *Googles what those little guys
are called* jacquemart as a treat.
https://qrclock.live/
* ARE THESE BIRDS MADE-UP? **r*l* of the week is
this game which asks whether the things in the
day's category are real or made up. The
description makes it sound like one of the
million AI-or-not games, but it's not. It's
hand-crafted HTML and therefore not shit.
https://realbirdfakebird.com/
* MARIO IS DEAD - Not yet detected by Nintendo's
cease-and-desist Wario, this Super Mario Bros
variant asks the important question - what would
the first level play like if Mario was dead?
https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/964521
* BLUEJEWELLED - very entertaining pisstake of
the old mobile game Bewjewelled apparently
created by someone fucking with the genuine
source code. More like this please, this is a
whole new goldmine for comedy.
https://brandonhare.itch.io/bluejeweled
* START YOUR DIVORCE IN STYLE - Blenkwy writes,
"I"ve found your Valentines card for the wife"
https://www.thortful.com/card/5a5c9d44e4b03cfd6aad...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Kids TV in History
Here are the best images from last week:
* This really would be a better world - thanks
FUXTIX
https://b3ta.com/board/11415029
* Monkeon improves our November traditions
https://b3ta.com/board/11415070
* And here's one from Ninj that could be
forwarded around for years
https://b3ta.com/board/11415056
* See all the other images from the 'Kids TV in
History' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kidstvinhistory/popular
>> This week: Spoonerisms II : Boogtric
Electraloo <<
It's been 18 years since our first Spoonerisms
challenge, so let's celebrate by putting on your
best Ronnie Barker hat and coming up with a load
of new ones. Suggested by Ninj & The Twisted
Omentum.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/spoonerisms2/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* WE'RE PUNNING AGAIN - Could you build the
Feta-Verse and let us walk around as 3D cheeses
online, whilst we wear those things? Or maybe
the META-WURST, which is simply a 3D dimension
rotating sausage with options for adding mustard
and tumbling, chaotic onions.
* DARTS SIMULATOR 2000 - Make what looks to be a
completely straight darts game but leave players
to discover that you can move your throwing hand
away from the board and start flinging darts at
people, beer glasses, pets etc, and they can
compete for minus points.
* AI THAT DOES STUFF THAT WE ACTUALLY WANT - you
know, tidying the house, ironing and putting the
bins out, not the fun stuff like writing and
drawing.
Email us ok?
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (I sort of do have a small
shed, so by extension, so do you)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "NO, YOU'RE CRYING" FESSHOLE
"My husband takes great pride polishing his
shoes every night. But he is terrible at it. His
vision is failing and his hands shake. The
result is awful. Every night, at some point, I
get out of bed 'to go to the bathroom'. I take
his shoes with me. I polish them until they
shine."
