NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU'RE HAPPY MONDAYS AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS"
"IF YOU'RE HAPPY MONDAYS AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS"
* PIG STACKING - Matt Round breaks internet
* GUESS THE HOUSE PRICE - quiz starts revolution
* CHALLENGE - Make the shit Amazon 'Bondiverse'
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B3ta e-fax-newsletter 939 - 28th Feb 2025
Read this issue gargling hot delicious piss:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue939
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making strangers cross the street
* YOU WANT TO STACK PIGS RIGHT NOW - Matt Round
has returned from his dental surgery to give us
a new game and writes "physics + penguins =
Penga physics + pigs = Styscraper. Includes a
View Tower option so you can screenshot your
greatest constructions even after they've
collapsed into the muck". This really is superb
and could even be Matt's masterwork.
https://vole.wtf/styscraper/
* RANDOM PAGES OF SMASH HITS ON SOCIAL MEDIA -
After bringing Yore Computer to BlueSky last
week, your editor thought it would be rude not
to bring Random Smash Hits too - that is random
pages from Britain's best pop music magazine
from the 1980s. It's not a bad place for
inspiration on how to run media projects
properly, stuffed with jokes, great writing and
just a sense of possibility. Magazines used to
be good.
https://bsky.app/profile/randomsmashhits.bsky.soci...
* FREE MUSIC FOR YOUR PROJECTS - Andre Louis
writes, "I'm a visually impaired musician from
the UK and have been reading the newsletter for
a few years. I wanted to give something back if
possible. For about the last 11 years I've
slowly been working on a collection of
free-to-use music for whatever kind of project
you have, be it podcast, youtube video,
school/college/uni presentation etc, etc. All of
these have been created by me alone, and at time
of writing there's about 1080 short tracks.
Track length varies from about 5 seconds to 60
or so." We also enjoyed the 1990s style webpage
- web 1.0 for the win.
https://onj.me/shorts
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Would you like to buy some clothes?
Hebtro make clothes in the UK to the highest
standards, They cost more than average, but they
are designed to last, and this is how they're
good value. They also make ideal presents for
the difficult men in your life, and if you read
b3ta, you probably have some difficult men in
your life, so buy them a pair of jeans and cheer
them up.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
It's the fesses bit ok?
Recently a professional comedy person said we
shouldn't slag off Fesshole in the newsletter
write-ups, and it would be much better if we
went "look, this is brilliant, and we're proud
of it!" But thing is, being awkward and
miserable and going "this old rubbish" has been
so long our personality, we can't change it now.
So yeah, here's the three this week that didn't
make us totally want to give up in despair:
* FREE INTERNET HACKS - "I've never had my own
internet connection. The day I move in, I knock
on neighbours' doors, offer homemade cakes, say
hi and ask if I can have their wifi password
"just until mine gets connected next week". 99%
of people can't/never change their password."
* PROBABLY TRUE - "My wife's very attractive
friend messaged me to come over to help with
some DIY, while my wife was away and obviously
in secret. Genuinely thought this was an affair
so took a Viagra before I went. Absolutely
wasn't and spent four hours building IKEA
cabinets with an erection."
* CIRCLE OF LIFE - "Our cat keeps bringing us
dead mice as gifts. Well, I assume they are
gifts. I thank her, give her one of the treats
she loves and then peg the dead mouse to the
garden washing line by its tail. A crow or raven
comes and takes it away before the end of the
day. We are all a team."
Follow the account that most sane people have
blocked 5 years ago:
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
** Come to the FESSHOLE shows: ***
Preston - The Continental - 12th March 2025
Liverpool - Hot Water Comedy - 16th April 2025
Swansea - Elysium Gallery - 17th April 2025
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book, you might as well, it's got 4.5 on
Amazon, which is the approx score of an Uber
driver who hasn't murdered anyone yet.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your cover-tape type-ins this week
* HOUSE PRICE GAME - Pretty sure all the other
property price quizzes on the web are
international, but this one gives you the chance
to have a nosey around the over-priced houses of
Blighty whilst guessing the cost. BTW: Your
newsletter team made pretty much exactly this
game for UsVsth3m ten years ago, we're the
idiots for not reviving it.
https://propertyguessr.fun/
* STREAMING PAGES FROM CEEFAX - Teletext is now
live on YouTube, so you can leave it streaming
on your telly, close your curtains and pretend
it's the 90s again. News doesn't seem quite so
bad with a bit of muzak on top.
https://www.youtube.com/live/v8OUAiWH_jc
* BLANKETY BLANK TWO POINT ZERO - **r*le of the
week is this quiz inception - answer the clues
to reveal even more clues until the sentence is
eventually revealed in its final form.
https://bracket.city/
* YOUR NEW HOLIDAY DESTINATION - This bloke took
his GamePoy Camera to Chernobyl, which must be
nice for him.
https://www.instagram.com/p/DGaeYQftXx9/
* OH GOD, GOOD LUCK UNDERSTANDING THE WORLD - If
you want to have your brain truly broken then
read about the Zizians - basically we need to
turn the internet off and start again. People
are now fucking insane.
https://archive.ph/20250225045747/https://www.wire...
* OPEN BACK HEADPHONE ADVOCACY - OK this is just
a plug for the headphones we bought this week
that have quite honestly changed our lives. No
one told us that 'open back' headphones were a
thing, but they sound massively better than
normal ones. Ok, they're not ideal to use in
public as they leak noise, but for home
listening they are simply incredible. We're
hearing details we've never heard before. £30 to
you mate - well you can pay crazy money, but
we're happy enough with these thirty quid ones
made by the bastards at Behringer.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0CLVTH9...
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: FOLLOW UPS
You know, what happened next
* OCCUPY ALL GOLF COURSES - fridalongstockin
writes, "I'm struggling to make this funny but
you asked for golf courses to be rewilded and my
childhood suburb of Allestree (Derby) is
actually already delivering. Yes of course there
was salt from golfers when this started.
Actually I do have a funny story. Just before
the golf course was closed me and my dad decided
to play a round because we'd never tried it
before. My dad was so bad he dribbled it like a
hockey ball in one place. He still won."
https://www.rewildingbritain.org.uk/rewilding-proj...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Video Game Characters in Real Life
Here's the best images from last week:
* PIZOPOP brings the the Amiga's best game to
your local school
https://b3ta.com/board/11415534
* S4RK makes us wish we could press fire
https://b3ta.com/board/11415730
* THE TWISTED OMENTUM makes us nod and go "yes,
we get this"
https://b3ta.com/board/11415561
* See all the other images from the 'Video Game
Characters in Real Life' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/reallifevideogames/popul...
>> This week: The Bondiverse <<
Amazon have bought the rights to James Bond, so
show us all the terrible spin-offs they'll
inevitably make to milk it to death. Suggested
by Rob.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/thebondiverse/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea balls
OK, sometimes when we're struggling to fill this
bit, we just take the piss and imagine projects
based on old pop music. So let's do that now and
go back 40 years to the charts of Feb 1985 and
see what we can do.
* I KNOW HIM SO WELL - Celebrate Elaine Paige
and Barbara Dickson with a quiz about men. E.g.
How many balls do men have? A. One B. Two. C.
None of your business, you weirdo.
* DANCING IN THE DARK - Celebrate Bruce
Springsteen with an audio-only game when you
have to use sound cues to navigate the busy
disco and find the light switch.
* SHOUT - Celebrate Tears For Fears with a
microphone game that tests how *long* you can
shout. Roland can probably do it for a minute,
can you?
Send us your work you lovely people:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (How Soon Is Now? is a
minimalist timing-based game where your only
goal is to hit the spacebar at the exact moment
the word "NOW" appears on the screen. Sounds
simple? Think again. The timing gets
unpredictable - sometimes it flashes too
quickly, sometimes there's a long, agonising
wait. Miss it, and you start over. Hit it too
soon or too late, and the game mocks you with
cryptic messages about hesitation and impatience
- Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "THE DENOUEMENT" FESSHOLE
"I just unplugged the Wi-Fi and heard 'THE FUCK'
from across the street."
