NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT'S HAD ITS OWN INDEPENDENT NUCLEAR DETERRENT SINCE 2001"
* CHICKEN MATCHING - Most addictive poultry game
* POPE SONG - finally another song about Pope
* STUPID AMOUNT - of Matt Round follow ups
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | photocopying the U.S. and
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| faxing it to your mum"
B3ta e-bum-newsletter 940 - 7th March 2025
Read this newsletter to your confused cat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue940
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than poo and white blood cells
* IS THE POPE DEAD YET? - Kunt of Kunt And The
Gang tells us - "I've been on a personal vigil
the last few days hoping the Pope would not
croak before I'd finished the video." Honestly
it's disgusting that the vetican hasn't put the
Pope down yet, but this tune hopefully should
bring a few smiles in anti-papist circles.
https://kuntandthegang.bandcamp.com/track/is-the-p...
* SURVEY FATIGUE SONG - Brian Feary (no not that
one) writes, "I'm Brian, I've been subscribing
to the newsletter since '01, and think I have
made something you will like, with my buddies
the band Avon Dads. It's a song about doing
surveys. And 'straightlining'... e.g. selecting
'a' the whole survey through." This is sort of
rubbish, but sort of good, which is exactly the
type of rubbish we like, art that hovers between
entertaining and useless.
https://youtu.be/8jgUNlLSbZY
* CHRIS BARKER WANTS YOUR SUPPORT FOR HIS COMIC
- he writes, "Hello everybody. I have a new
comic book on kickstarter and I think it's quite
possibly the best thing I've ever written. It's
not going to break the bank and no previous
knowledge is necessary. Please consider backing
it and you can read all about it here." He also
tells us that there's a link to a podcast on the
page which he'd like you to listen to,
apparently it mentions your newsletter editor in
a disgustingly flattering way.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/dansumption/d...
* OH GOD MORE PUZZLES - Quickflip, a really
quick daily word puzzle - usefulcat writes,
"I've made a new word puzzle! There are 8 tiles
with letters on either side and you flip them to
make a word. Two words are possible, a correct
and a wrong one. There is a clue to help you
avoid the wrong word. It's really fast to play
so you can quickly get back to faffing about on
the internet instead of working." Actually screw
the lazy negativity of our headline, we enjoyed
this, largely as we got the word correct and
felt a little bit clever.
http://puzzmallow.com/quickflip
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know, buy some clothes to help b3ta OK?
Each week we beg you to buy some clothes from
the lovely people at Hebtro, because they help
support the newsletter. Also, their clothes are
long lasting, made in the UK and ideal presents
for the difficult men in your life. Or even
yourself, if you're a difficult man, and if you
read the B3ta newsletter, it's not an
impossibility that this is the description of
you. Anyway, dig deep, buy some threads.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Confess your sins, you know what to do
Each week we beg you to stop confessing and our
relentless negativity will not kill this
project. If you want some sort of insight into
how to make a popular project then the trick is
to pick something that people want to do anyway,
and just add some slightly better organisation
on top. Anyway, some favs this week include:
* KIT CHASE - "I shine a laser pointer in my
neighbor's window when they're gone. Their cat
has trashed 3 sets of mini blinds chasing it.
They have no idea it's me. Am I evil? Yes, I
am."
* THAT'S HOW TO DO IT - "Boss wanted to make me
'redundant' so she could give my position to her
son at 2x what I'm paid. I had my cousin pretend
to be a union rep & brought him to a meeting
with her. She changed her mind about the
redundancy & gave me a raise. Now joined a
proper union seeing it works."
* DUMP HIM - "My husband was being secretive on
his phone. I suspected wrong doing so when he
passed out drunk I found what it was. He was
using AI to help him write Taylor Swift fan
fiction where he's friends with her."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistook it for the funny one that
counts the amount of times you've mentioned
Twitter in your Skeets:
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
** Come to the FESSHOLE shows: ***
Preston - The Continental - 12th March 2025
Liverpool - Hot Water Comedy - 16th April 2025
Swansea - Elysium Gallery - 17th April 2025
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book that is stocked in about 13
libraries in the UK, according to the email that
the British Library send out about once a year.
If you're one of those libraries we're very
sorry.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
The ASCII podcast you listen to with your eyes
* REALISTIC BOB MONKHOUSE SIMULATOR - *o*d*e of
the week is a daily round of Family Fortunes.
The usual annoyances with American questions and
spellings are put in the shade by the lack of
the British eh-uhh noise. Nice self-sufficiency
of players answering and suggesting the surveys
as well as playing the rounds, though.
https://feudlegame.com/
* MAKE WIKIPEDIA WORSE BY SCROLLING - Get down
with the kids by browsing your Wikipedia in the
style of their TikTok. Being overwhelmed by the
world's knowledge coming at you is a nicer
overwhelm than doom scrolling. A bit like how
Johnny 5 in Short Circuit must have felt when he
input binged on Stephanie's bookshelf.
https://wikitok.vercel.app/
* BINOCULARS AKA BONO'S COOLERS -A site
collecting every movie moment that features
binoculars. Hopefully b3tans can help contribute
every 70s British sex comedy where Robin Askwith
gets an eyeful whilst up a tree.
https://binocularshot.com/
* PICKING THE CHICKEN - One of those match three
games but it's caught people's imaginations this
week, and people are spending their time between
stacking pigs, by matching chickens. What next
for the farmyard timewasters? Something
obscenely milky involving cows we imagine.
https://368chickens.com/
* CAN YOU SMILE LIKE ZUCKERBERG - some bullshit
where it shows you the face of the third worst
billionaire and it uses your camera and AI to
recognise if you're smiling like him. Basically
the opposite of the Replicant test in
Bladerunner, as if you pass you probably are an
emotionless android.
https://smilelikezuck.com/
* THAT BLOKE'S HORRIBLE ARSEHOLE AGAIN -
danny.steele tells us, "The EU did an accidental
goatse with their ReArm Europe campaign." We
prefer to believe it's on purpose and they know
getting into the B3ta newsletter is the only way
to launch any successful campaign.
https://bsky.app/profile/ec.europa.eu/post/3ljp5gm...
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next, largely to Matt Round
* STYSCRAPER MEDALS AVAILABLE - It appears we've
got loads of Matt Round updates to tell you.
Firstly his Styscaper game is a massive hit
promoting office competitions and he says, "It
looks like I can get custom-engraved pig medals
done cheaply enough So if you run a Styscraper
contest (eg at work), post about it somewhere &
let me know, I'll send one for the winner with
"Styscraper Champion" & their name on it. UK
only."
* LAST CHANCE FOR ARCC TICKETS - Secondly he's
selling the last few tickets for his ARCC game,
and says "We"re limiting arcc to 500 tickets,
meaning there are now only THIRTEEN left. Grab
one or miss out forever." Sadly Matt refuses to
listen to us in making a ARCC version of
Styscraper, as we think it would cool with
abstract shapes.
https://vole.wtf/arcc/
* STYSCRAPER 'EASY' MODE - Thirdly Matt has made
a "comfy" mode of Styscraper and tells us, "Some
of you have struggled with the wide variety of
items in Styscraper, so we made Comfy Mode. Just
add a # hash symbol to the URL followed by COMFY
then reload."
https://vole.wtf/styscraper/
* OLD B3TAN BECOMES BAFTA NOMINEE - also in
vaguely Matt Round news, he's been telling us to
play the (non-web) game Thank Goodness You're
Here, and he's completely correct as it's a very
funny game that takes about two hours to play
and reminds us of Jonti Picking's work from over
20 years ago - specifically the cheese family if
you remember that. But best of all, we're just
realised that Jonathan Blythe, AKA Log, AKA the
bloke who ran Law Of The Playground, did the
voice for the butcher. We can sort of claim him
as a B3ta person, as we certainly know him and
he's been in his newsletter a few times back to
the earliest issues.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea gooch
* TRUCKER'S LUCK - Someone should make a web
game where you drive a Cyber Truck down Tesla's
dropping stock price and if it hits a bump, it
explodes and fanboys swarm you and tell you it"s
a feature
* THE OH GOD MY FAVOURITE COMEDIAN DID BLACKFACE
COLOURING BOOK - line drawings of all the
comedians from the not so far away past, who've
shamed themselves by doing blackface, and a
crayon to colour them in.
* WHO DARES WINDS - a series of photos of
soldiers doing fart jokes. Yes this is a filler
idea based on a look around the room (we're
currently in a library) and making a shit pun
based on the first book we saw. At least it
wasn't a joke about Hitler's Horses. Yes, that
is a real book title, that exists in this world.
C'mon you people, we'll all be dead soon, make
some fucking art.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (np - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "PROBABLY BULLYING" FESSHOLE
"I happened to mention at work that I dislike
the expression 'nothing is certain in life
except death and taxis', as taxis can be
famously unreliable and hard to get hold of at
certain times of day. They laughed at me for a
solid half-hour and my nickname is now 'Uber'."
