NEWSLETTER: "CAMPAIGN TO RENAME THE AMERICANO COFFEE AS 'A GULP OF MEXICO' STARTS HERE"
* EXCELLENT IMAGE CHALLENGE - Modernise art
* THEREMIN SIMULATOR - some webcam bollocks fun
* BUM HOLES - Why do we have them? WHO KNOWS
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | uploading pictures of
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| your mum to Wikipedia"
B3ta electric e-mail 941 - 14th March 2025
Read this newsletter in a sarcastic voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue941
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making tears thinking about sausages
* THEREMIN SIMULATOR - Kevin Doyle writes, "Full
of bugs? Yes A bit crap? Absolutely Ticks all
the right boxes! Best viewed and played on
monitor with webcam, but mobile and tablet works
too (possibly)." This reminds us of that time
your editor made a project that made him laugh
but worried it was too dodgy to publish, which
created similar noise, waving your mouse over
the pubic area of a lady. Yes, it really was a
'theraminge'. Sorry, we shouldn't ramble about
our own rubbish. This is actually really good,
and we just looked like an absolute dickhead
testing it in the local library where we've gone
to write this.
https://bigjobby.com/theremin/
* A WORD ORDERING GAME - playwordlink writes,
"WordLink is a daily word game where you
rearrange words to form a complete chain. Each
pair of words should be a real phrase, like
"house plant" or "train station". Each pair
links to the wikipedia article so you may learn
something along the way. Hope you like it." Yes
this is yet another word game, but we found it
quite enjoyable, and playing the previous day's
challenges kept us busy for ten minutes.
https://playwordlink.com
* HAVE YOU HEARD THE WORD IS EGG? Every day
since Chris Shaw stopped doing his Beatles
podcast I Am The Eggpod has been pure misery at
B3ta Towers. We miss it horribly, but we're
somewhat assuaged by Chris knocking out his
thoughts on The Beatles track Word, although we
have to read them with our eyes as Chris refuses
to do the sensible thing and record an emergency
podcast where he explains his thoughts to a
rubber duck (soul).
https://www.patreon.com/posts/have-you-heard-12411...
* BROKEN VEIL - Joel Morris has asked us to plug
his new podcast and tells us "it was made for a
budget of £0, and it's currently at number one
in the charts, above Sherlock Holmes and The
Archers, which have a 200 year head start, but,
to be fair, fewer vintage synths." But what is
it Joel? "A creepy 6-part podcast investigation
into hauntological goings on in rural Essex.
This headphones-on-lights-off serial hums with
with pylons and overgrown fields, all concrete
bunkers and electrical ghosts, though it's not
clear what's true and what's not." Actually it's
very good and you should give it a go.
https://joelmorris.substack.com/p/broken-veil
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some new clothes from our sponsors
You know how it works, we beg you to buy some
clothes from the lovely people at Hebtro and
they occasionally bung us some cash and it helps
pay the newsletter costs of your editor writing
941 of these things when he could have been
doing a terrible job in marketing instead. So,
yeah, the clothes are great, made in the UK,
long lasting, would suit your middle-aged
slightly hipster types. And also everyone else,
so get stuck in. Ideal as presents too. Phew -
have we typed enough?
https://hebtro.co/new/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
It's the fesses bit that you love or hate
Each week we beg you to stop fessing but it's
now our sisyphean task to read all this shit,
every day and it never stops. A few tolerable
ones this week included:
* PRANK - "I took my boyfriend to Culloden as he
was a military history buff. As we were leaving
we saw an actor dressed up as a Jacobite
soldier, walking on the moor. BF said "do you
see that guy?" and I pretended not to, so he's
been convinced ever since that he saw a ghost.
Sorry, Joe."
* WORK TIPS - "On a Teams meeting, boss
announced I was next to do a presentation I had
completely forgotten about. Remained completely
still on camera for 20 seconds & moved finger to
hold down power button to shut off laptop.
Texted boss to say 'can't get back in, network
all over the place'."
* LIKE THIS ONE ACTUALLY - "Every few weeks I
buy a random sports biography in a charity shop
& give it to my mate mentioning how he once said
he loves reading them. He happily accepts. He's
never once said that he likes sport biographies.
I just want to see how many I can give him until
he cracks. 8 so far."
Follow the account that only has followers
because you all mistook it for the funny one
that rewrites Sue Barker's skeets as if she was
selling her own teeth for crack.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
** Come to the FESSHOLE shows ***
Thank you to all who came to the Preston show.
One thing that turned out very well: we ask
people to submit their fesses before the show
and we had a guy boasting he was good at
kick-ups. So we visited JD Sports beforehand and
bought a ball. Sprung it on him and this guy did
33 kick-ups on stage. Ok, it wasn't exactly a
fess, but it was extraordinarily entertaining.
The next shows are Swansea - Elysium Gallery -
17th April 2025 and Liverpool - Hot Water Comedy
- 12 November 2025 (rescheduled to this later
date).
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book if you like. It's 99p on Kindle so
that's absolutely fuck all. Grab it.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Some websites from the websites dot com
* HELLO DUCKY - A radio that changes channel
whenever some ducks peck at a sensor. No
pictures, so you have to take on trust that the
ducks are real. They seem to play a lot of
gospel stations, so double the fun for people
who don't require any evidence to enjoy things.
https://duckradio.com/
* SHAT NAV - A mash up of Simon Says and a
driving simulator. Following the sat nav under
pressure is tougher than you'd think, though I
am quite shit at just the driving bit.
https://split82.itch.io/fast-confused
* GASHTEROIDS - Asteroids where each asteroid is
generated by an edit to Wikipedia. Some version
of Elite where you land on wiki-page planets and
trade trivia next, please.
https://asteroids.wiki
* POLISH FILM POSTERS - Mc Chicken Sandwich
writes, "This exhibition unveils how Polish
artists interpreted US and UK films such as The
Shining and Return of the Jedi while navigating
the harsh realities of communist and post-Soviet
Poland, at a time when censorship, propaganda
and surveillance were omnipresent"
https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/gallery/2...
* PLEASE ELON CAN YOU GO AWAY - Apparently Elon
Musk is a prick, who knew? Anyway, if you're
looking for help getting rid of your Tesla, then
these guys can help. We just wish we lived in a
better world where it was Sir Clive causing all
these problems, and we were offering advice on
how to get rid of your C5.
https://stealmytesla.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
The Bondiverse
Last week we asked you to mock Amazon by
imagining the shite they are going to make now
that they own Bond.
* S4RK points out that Amazon aren't exactly
glamorous
https://b3ta.com/board/11415811
* OCTO finds something to smile about
https://b3ta.com/board/11415814
* THE TWISTED OMENTUM flouts the prime directive
https://b3ta.com/board/11415828
* See all the other images from the 'The
Bondiverse' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/thebondiverse/popular
>> This week: Modernise Art <<
Classic artworks are getting a bit out-of-date
now that everything is vapes, influencers and
billionaires in space. Update art to be more
relevant to the modern world. This challenge is
going brilliantly btw, with over 125 entries,
it's we're living in 2011 again on B3ta,
briefly, for a moment. Hooray.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moderniseart/popular
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the ideas dick
* WHAT WOULD AN ORIC ATMOS DO? remake the old
'what would Jesus do?' memes to more reflect the
point of view of the 12th best 1980s home
computer.
* GENESISTER - start an all lady tribute to
'Invisible Touch' popsters, including Philomena
Collins, Michelle Rutherfood and Tonia Banks
* ONE MORE IDEA - OK, we're just scouring the
shelves for ideas now (we said we're in a
library) and noticed the book What Everyone
Knows About Britain* (*Except The British) and
it's just a brilliant title that could be done
again and again. What Everyone Knows About White
People (except White People) etc. You have a go,
and write your own best seller.
Fling your muck up our truck:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Happy Birthday Lizzy -
Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: BONUS "WE GOOGLED IT, IT'S TRUE" FESSHOLE
"I work in a very busy pub, we know a few of our
customers do coke in the loos, so we spray WD40
on the sinks, we hear the sad nos and fucks, as
WD40 dissolves coke. Strangely nobody ever
complains."
