NEWSLETTER: "THIS NEWSLETTER CAN ONLY PARTIALLY REFUTE THAT TOM & BARBARA DID 9/11"
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - remake TV shows with animals
* TWO HIT WONDERS - Can you name the second hit?
* CHEATING ANIMATION - It's amusing, watch it
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by refusing to go away
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| despite not being popular"
B3ta newsletter telex 942 - 21st March 2025
Read this issue pretending to be a s-s-s-sampler:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue942
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pets vomit unexpectedly
* HAVE A SHUFFLE TO A PHOTO OF YOUR OWN FACE -
Matt Round has taken a break from stacking pigs
to bring a quick throwaway game where he's
combined your laptop's selfie camera and one of
those terrible sliding puzzles. Next week he's
going to ask you to play Tetris with your
testes.
https://vole.wtf/selfie-shuffle/
* LINKEDIN WANKERS - db123 writes, "I got sick
of Linkedin so turned it into Pokémon cards,
don't ask me why, so I've made about 50 of these
disgusting monsters. It was very satisfying
indeed. There's not many places on the internet
I think will appreciate the time and effort into
such a stupid idea, but I hope b3ta might be one
of them." Yeah why not, we've always found
business internet baffling, why are you all so
shiny and trying so hard?
https://www.backerkit.com/call_to_action/3c59d8c9-...
* OH GOD IT'S ANOTHER WORD GAME - Bo01ean
writes, "Hello! I recently made Couplit, a daily
word scramble solving game. The idea is to
rearrange/swap the coupled letters to spell out
a phrase that goes with the day's theme." We
found this one harder than last week's one.
https://couplit.io/
* THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING - we enjoyed this
short video about a cheating couple, the jokes
kept coming. Well done Smartie123 and Birdbox
Studio, we hope the affair you're confessing to
here goes well for everyone concerned.
http://b3ta.com/links/1622869
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know buy some clothes
Take a good look at yourself in the mirror, you
look like shit don't you? You deserve better
than that, you deserve to be dressed from head
to toe in the fine, fine clothes of the B3ta
sponsor Hebtro. Yep, all clothes that are made
in the UK, but not in a Brexity way, and all
designed to last so it's not just making crap
for landfills. Dig deep - also ideal as gifts
for the men in your life who are hard to buy for
and currently wearing George from Asda.
https://hebtro.co/new/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
It's the confessions bit (c) Simon Mayo
Each day we read quite literally hundreds of
your confessions and pick our 16 to post on our
various social media sites owned by fascists.
Then come Friday we pick out a few in compromise
between 'they got likes' and 'ones we quite
liked ourselves' - so here you go:
* RUBBISH - "We'd recently married. Taking
rubbish out, I was worried I'd drop wedding ring
in the large communal bins. So I left it on the
kitchen side. Came back to discover distraught
wife on phone to her mum convinced that I had
walked out on her. That was 20 years, still
laugh about it."
* PETALS - "When I was 19 and bored and working
in a florist, every day my colleague and I would
make the ugliest bouquet we could imagine –
pinks, blues, one random red rose, those
cabbage-like green things, all lopsided – just
to see if it would sell. It always did. To a
man."
* TELL HER - "Worked in an office where I was
always in early with the elderly cleaner, who
asked me "do you want to see my glory hole?" Led
me to a cupboard where she stored all her
cleaning equipment, never had the heart to tell
her what a glory hole was."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
** Come to the FESSHOLE shows ***
Right we've got two lined up and a few more not
announced yet.
Swansea - Elysium Gallery - 17th April 2025
Liverpool - Hot Water Comedy - 12 November 2025
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And of course you can buy the book - at 99p on
Kindle it's absolutely fuck all and you might as
well add it to the other 99p books you've bought
out of sympathy or guilt. But you know, it is
actually quite good.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Webs for you to photocopy come the apocalypse
* TWO HIT WONDERS - A good idea for a low-fi
quiz. Can you name any other songs by bands with
one massive single? Not too American as they've
picked international hits, but interesting to
see Oasis listed as a one hit wonder.
https://strangebroadcasts.itch.io/back-catalogue-b...
* AUTO SYNTH 2000 - Rather enjoyed playing with
this internet synth for the simple reason that
everything sounds nice regardless of how little
talent you have. Allows you to indulge in that
Vince Clarke daydream.
https://synthsational.boondoggle.studio/
* SLIGHTLY COMIC DATE SYSTEMS - Instead of
basing it on our lord and saviour Jesus Christ,
this site calculates lots of ways to refer to a
year. Why not wish Richard Dawkins a happy
176ASP (After Safety Pin) and out-atheist his
2025 CE.
https://relative-time.jthaw.club/
* THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE VS BEATBOXING -
Pleasing to hear the theme tune broken down into
component parts and accurately built back up.
It's a lovely bit of writing.
http://b3ta.com/links/1622809
* FACTS YOU DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW - Britain's
'hanging judge' used to ejaculate in his
trousers on handing down his sentence. What a
horrible man, thanks Wikipedia.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rayner_Goddard,_Baro...
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Modernise Art
Here's the best images from last week, and it
was a good week, with 128 entries of a stupidly
high quality.
* CAPTAIN HOWDY chose to make an environmental
point, which is probably now nostalgic, given
the various governments of the world are
shouting "WAR!"
https://b3ta.com/board/11416136
* OCTO pays tribute to the one from the Young
Ones which was always the most fun to
impersonate
https://b3ta.com/board/11416106
* HAPPYTOAST pays tribute to that comedian who
appears to be currently touring an act called "I
hate my fans and hate the thing I'm famous for"
which really, if he properly leant into it,
could be quite good
https://b3ta.com/board/11416093
* See all the other images from the 'Modernise
Art' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moderniseart/popular
>> This week: Animal TV <<
There's way too many TV shows about people and
not enough about animals. Rectify that by
remaking classic TV moments with critters, or
just punning a title.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animaltv/popular
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Yep, it's some ideas to "inspire" you
OK, we're absolutely fresh out of ideas this
week, but as we've taken to writing the
newsletter in the local library we're going to
find a book and use it as inspiration. Give us
five mins. *pause* Ok, we've just read 10 pages
of the autobiography of the bassist from Dire
Straits and got absolutely nothing from it.
We're going to have to rethink this and make
puns based on old computer games.
* SABRE WULFRUNIAN - battle through a 2D maze of
the Wolverhampton Mander Centre, avoiding the
ringroad tramp and that weird Cowboy bloke.
* MANIC MINOR - be a responsible parent and try
and calm down your iphone addicted ADHD teen
with doses of Ritalin.
* PEBBLE DASH - much like Boulder Dash but
Rockford has the shits.
We apologise for making you read all that - so
instead flick your projects into our idea bin.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (It's not for beginners -
Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: BONUS "PROBABLY BOB THE BUILDER" FESSHOLE
"Just played one of my favourite 90s albums;
first listen for 25 years at least. It's a
pretty upbeat record, but I cried all the way
through, thinking about all the hope,
possibility and excitement I felt then. I think
it's safe to assume the mid-life crisis has
finally arrived."
