NEWSLETTER: "B3TA ANNOUNCES TARIFFS ON LINKING TO NTK AND POPBITCH AND THAT FRIDAY ONE WHATEVER THAT WAS CALLED"
* ELON'S INSIGHTS - he reacts to fucking everything
* JOHN HIGGS' DOCTOR WHO BOOK - finally out
* TUBE ADS - Criticised by critical man
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |"Saving the web by copying
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Wikipedia onto postcards
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| & sending it to your mum"
B3ta electronic newsletter 943 - 4th April 2025
Robot dance this issue in your school assembly:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue943
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sun when the hay fevers
* ELON'S INSIGHTS - rob-frankosonic has brought
us this project based upon this very
newsletter's suggestion that someone needs to
build an 'Elon-o-Tron 2000': an 'account that
posts nonsense facts like "dogs piss out of
their eyeballs" but it's presented as if it's
been quote tweeted by Elon going "interesting"
and "looking into this"' Nice work, Rob, err...
says other Rob.
https://elonsinsights.pages.dev/
* DOCTOR WHO VS JOHN HIGGS - Our official
favourite author (we bigged up his first book on
B3ta when it was self-published) has brought out
his book on the time travelling twerp, and we
can confirm the first chapter when he meets Tom
Baker is very good. We'd tell you about the
second chapter but we haven't got that far yet
as we have to write a newsletter. But knowing
John Higgs, it'll blow our tiny minds and we'll
feel cleverer for having read it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/139961477...
* ARE ADS ON THE TUBE SHIT OR WHAT? Carl from
London writes, "Hullo, I'd like to contact the
magic donkey who decides what goes in the b3ta
newsletter. I used to be a professional comedy
writer (name withheld for cringe reasons) but
the pay was awful so these days I work in tech.
But to scratch the itch, I recently took up the
odd yet satisfying hobby of reviewing those
little adverts you get on London tube trains.
I'd love to share my entirely unwanted
observations with b3ta readers - you can read
the lot for free at..."
https://tubeadcritic.com
* OH GOD IT'S ANOTHER FUCKING WORD GAME -
alexanderpmorgan writes, "I'm new to b3ta so
thanks for running this spunky corner of the
internet. I would like to share... another daily
word game for your newsletter. Before you die a
little inside though, consider that it's simple,
has no ads, and is playable in 4 languages. It's
called Eightile, and you play by unscrambling 3
letters into a valid word. Then you get a 4th
letter and do it again. If you make it to the
8-letter word and submit it before the time runs
out you win. "
https://eightile.com
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes
It's hard writing a new bit for the sponsor ad
every week. How many different ways can we say
"it's made in the UK", "it's ideal for difficult
men" and "you're naked, buy some clothes you
weirdos"? But here we are, filling in some copy
in the hope you'll buy some clothes and the
lovely people at Hebtro (hello Brant!) will be
pleased that they sponsor the newsletter. If
nothing else, read these sentences knowing they
were made by a human and we haven't farmed this
out to AI like everyone else on the internet.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses, served up, for you
Each week you type over 1,000 fesses into the
form, your newsletter editor reads them all in
order to share a few on social media, and mostly
people don't give a shit. But occasionally
someone gets really angry like it's the most
evil project ever invented and we're personally
manifesting hell on earth. Anyway, a few that
amused us this week include:
* THIS ONE COZ IT MADE US IMAGINE BERNIE SANDERS
- "When dad turned 80 I made the conscious
decision to take more pictures and videos of him
as I thought he wouldn't be with us for much
longer. He's now 96 and I've more footage of him
looking miserable at parties than I have of my
soon to be 18 son."
* THIS ONE COZ IT MADE US HUNGRY - "Had a date
over, ordered Domino's. Noticed sauce on her
cheek, so I tried to wipe it off—real smooth.
After a couple of failed wipes, she deadpanned,
'That's a spot.' She left shortly after. I,
however, am still here, haunted."
* THIS ONE COZ WE ONCE WORKED IN AN OFFICE WITH
WIIIIILL AND HE WAS NICE - HI IF YOU READ THIS -
"A new young lad named Will joined my team at
work, so I greeted him with a 'Wiiiiiiill' like
they used to do on TFI Friday. Turns out he
wasn't born when the program went off air and
had never heard of it. No-one knew what the fuck
I was on about and I'm now the office weirdo."
Follow the account that still doesn't quite have
90k followers, come on, tell your friends to
follow us on BlueSky.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
** Come to the FESSHOLE shows ***
Right we've got two lined up and a few more not
announced yet, so do come to the gigs. It's nice
to get out and we also talk about b3ta for 10
mins near the start coz newsletter readers
expect that and complain if we don't, like if
Paul McCartney didn't play Hey Jude.
Swansea - Elysium Gallery - 17th April 2025
Liverpool - Hot Water Comedy - 12 November 2025
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books. They are relatively cheap in the
UK, we just had to get some people in the US to
buy them and it cost them $40 for the both of
them. Sorry our American friends, also sorry
about your politics, it's nice that yours is the
worse bin fire for once. Although to be fair,
their bin fire is our bin fire, as we basically
live in their bin too. Anyway, buy the books.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Paul Nicholas's guide to pearl necklaces
* GOVERNMENT SERVICES FOR KIDS - Teach kids the
fun of taxes by getting them to fill in a claim
form for their missing tooth. Nice to see
someone make the effort to build a full site
rather than just do it as a quick Photoshop gag.
https://tf230.matteason.co.uk/
* GEOLOCATE TOM SCOTT - Onetime B3tan Tom Scott
no longer makes videos and someone missing him
has made a map of everywhere Tom visited on his
YouTube travels, which doubles up as a good
guide as to some interesting day trips near you.
For fellow nerds, anyway. Like Atlas Obscura
with more science and less rocks and ruins. Our
main question for Tom is why does he hate
Birmingham?
https://www.sambaumann.com/tom-scott-map/
* SCRABBLE YOUR BOLLOCKS - W*r*l* of the week is
this mini game of Scrabble. You get to play
against everyone else who has submitted a score
so far that day, and as it currently gets mostly
very good players, you can be told your score is
excellent but still rank at the bottom.
https://scraple.io/
* THE MUNDANE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR NEW TATTOO -
Turns out many contemporary heavy metal band
logos are created by some old bloke employed at
the Co-Op in Exeter.
https://www.devonlive.com/whats-on/whats-on-news/e...
* THE MOTHER OF ALL DEMOS (THE BIT THAT DIDN'T
WORK) - Enjoyed this thread about the chordal
mouse for inputting text - we learnt about this
in University in the early 90s, and it was deffo
going to catch on at some point.
https://bsky.app/profile/righto.com/post/3ll2ncd3s...
* SOMEONE HAS LAUNCHED A SOCIAL MEDIA THAT'S
ONLY OPEN DURING THE DAY - dumbdestroy7
recommends, "Not affiliated but this seems cool
conceptually (haven't had a chance to test it
out yet)." We need a UK version of this, but
then like when people moan at us saying
SwearClock should have regional variations for
timing, fuck off.
https://www.seven39.com/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Animal TV
Here's the best images from last week:
* CAPTAIN HOWDY does a gag with the same name as
old Cyriak video, it's not the same gag, but
we're mentioning it coz it'll give you something
to google if you fancy a deep dive
https://b3ta.com/board/11416404
* MONKEON does a gag that makes us realise we've
never watched this sitcom, and only experienced
it hearing people joke about it.
https://b3ta.com/board/11416380
* MEHITABEL_ITRANG does a gag which simply
delighted us, and gets to the heart of what we
really wanted out of the challenge, which was TV
shows that animals would enjoy.
https://b3ta.com/board/11416290
* See all the other images from the 'Animal TV'
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animaltv/popular
>> This week: Topical Movies <<
Why wait for the dramatisation or biopic in 20
years time? Show us movies based on people and
events that are in the news RIGHT NOW.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/topicalmovies/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories
* THE OLD INTERNET IS DEAD - Anton writes, "I
went to this newsletter issue94 URL by mistake,
instead of the latest one, and thought I'd have
a look at the content. Every external URL is
broken in some way. Every. One. Obviously not
your fault, that's just the transient nature of
the internet. Enjoy things while they last." The
odd bit is findable on archive.org. Occasionally
it's gone through our mind that we could stream
looking up old newsletters and hunting the
content on archive.org but also can we really be
arsed? Link goes to some absolute shit we were
linking to in issue94, sorry about that.
https://web.archive.org/web/20050208025308/http://...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* AD BLOCK AD BLOCK - it would be technically
feasible to make a Chrome extension that
prevented Ad Block from begging for money.
Obviously six months in, you'd turn heel and
start begging for money yourself.
* MY NAME IS MICHAEL CAINE - There needs to be a
website that only consists of video clips of
famous people saying their own name so that
people can get David Bowie, Dave Gahan and Bjork
right. This is partly prompted by people getting
your editor Rob Manuel wrong all the time, not
that he's famous, except in the context of
readers of this newsletter. It's like Computer
Manual ok? Not Fawlty Towers' Manuel.
* READER SUGGESTION - russell.banks suggests,
"If you're running low on new 'star in next
weeks issue' ideas for the next newsletter I've
got one that's been percolating for years. I'd
like to see a mashup of Ray Winston"s
confrontation with Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast -
with Ray repeatedly responding "I gamble
responsibly" to an increasingly irate Ben (or
Sir Ben to be totally correct). I don't have the
skills to produce such a thing but have always
thought it would be mildly amusing." Honestly we
didn't understand this, having not seen the
film, but feel free to send more suggestions in.
You might as well tell us about your idea,
what's the worst that could happen? We could
tell the police, that's what.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (No probs - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "BABY JUMBLING" FESSHOLE
"When my wife had twins I switched them over so
technically they've been called the wrong names
their entire life. I don't know why I did it.
Feel no guilt. Rather amuses me actually."
