NEWSLETTER: "JACK, I WANT YOU TO DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH URLS"
* RHYMING FILMS - image challenge results
* ENTER YOUR WEBSITE - the littlest awards around
* BUY 'MATT ROUND' MERCH - you lucky lucky people
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by telling our kids
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| what spacer.gif does"
B3ta e-snailmail newsletter 950 - 13th June 2025
Read this issue out loud, like your own podcast:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue950
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making origami tributes to Fred West
* OH GOD WHAT IS THIS? - Si Bennett has made a
singing chicken thing in a bin and it's a bit
weird but the high energy keeps it entertaining.
https://b3ta.com/links/an_experiment:2
* ENTER YOUR WEBSITE TO THE TINY AWARDS - each
year Matt Muir and his chums ask you to submit
your small internet projects to his award to
celebrate creativity outside platforms and AI.
This year your newsletter editor is one of the
guest judges, so make sure you enter your stuff
as we can fix it so you win. No, we're not meant
to say that apparently, and anyway, we're only
one vote in ten so we probably can't really make
Joel Veitch win everything like it's 2002 or
something.
https://tinyawards.net/
* BUY 'MATT ROUND' MERCH - the roundest of all
Matts writes, "main thing I've launched this
week is a gift shop of novelty tat, the
Styscraper magnets have been popular today."
Hmm, what merch would we like to buy? Matt,
please make fridge magnets of your own face with
some of your notable quotes like "no, I'm not
doing that Rob" and "that's already in my list
of ideas actually". Plus a t-shirt saying "Matt
Round - he's glossy and thin."
https://vole.wtf/gift-shop/
* LOCATIONx6 - The house-nonce TV show
'Location, Location, Location' is 25 years old,
and Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer have helped
– or hindered – hundreds of hapless homebuyers.
Dave Bagpuss has taken this opportunity to fuck
with a few clips to make some lols. Also big up
the Bagpuss coz he's been helping us with
Fesshole shenanigans this week, do click his
stuff and follow him everywhere.
https://b3ta.com/links/Location_Location_Location_...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Treat yourself with some new clothes
If you're a regular newsletter reader - and lets
face it, who the fuck starts reading b3ta in
2025, you're probably an old reader - you know
the score with this bit. We tell you that Hebtro
clothes are great, long lasting, and all made in
the UK. And you buy some and Hebtro don't cancel
the Patreon payments. So dig in ok? Ideal as
presents. Ideal as a gift for yourself. Ideal as
a way to support B3ta and British industry.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up for content reasons
Did you know that the fundamental reason for
Fesshole existing is that the B3ta newsletter
needs repeatable bits? We experimented with a
few ideas and Fesshole was the one that stuck,
and then accidentally became more famous than
the newsletter. Not the worst problem to have
but it's a bit like wanting to have a few
sausages for dinner and then owning a pig farm.
Our favs this week:
* DOGGY STYLE! "Our kids are 9 and 10. We got a
puppy. I wanted to call him Gerald but they
insisted on calling him Raw so they can yell
'Rawdog!' in the park. I am at a loss as to how
we got here."
* CHUGGERS DRINKS SLOPS! "Years ago, my wife and
I did Weight Watchers. We both lost weight, but
she was upset that I was losing it faster. When
I was close to my target weight, I spent a
couple of weeks chugging down thickshakes to
make sure she got there first."
* SEXY TIME! "Boyfriend has been on about having
a threesome for ages. I finally agreed and said
I'd organise it. Saturday night we're booked
into an anonymous hotel twenty miles away. Can't
wait to see his face when his mate Steve knocks
on the door."
Normally we tell you to follow on BlueSky, but
our news this week is Bagpuss (as mentioned in
the top bit of the newsletter) has helped us
with the API on Threads so now Threads also gets
the full Fesshole experience. Personally, we
know almost no one on Threads but the account is
oddly popular there with loads of followers and
healthy replies. So if that's your social
network of choice, get in there. One day we hope
to get Instagram working properly too as that's
where normal people use the internet and we'd
like to reach a few normal people and tell them
about horrible grotty men pissing in sinks.
https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
Right, do buy the tickets. Shows in Leeds, Diss,
Worthing and Liverpool. You'll have a good time.
If you dig around on the tickets site there's a
'reviews of previous shows' bit where people
who've actually bought tickets, and seen it for
real, say nice things.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book that thankfully wasn't published by
Unbound, so it's still in print and we're not
pulling our hair out.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Post these on BowieNet for a Sailor's thumbs up
* BURST YOUR BUBBLE - Relaxing casual game based
on popping bubble wrap. Mute the
inappropriately energetic soundtrack, put on
some new-age ambience instead, and get
a-popping.
https://qaqelol.itch.io/dooots
* MINECRAFT WITHOUT CODE - The increasingly
small group of HTML nerds who don't think
everything has to be JavaScript have been blown
away by this bit of coding in which you can
build a little Minecraft garden in HTML and CSS
alone.
https://chenxuuu.github.io/CSS-Minecraft/
* IF LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, HAVE A LEMON PARTY -
At last, a sequel to 1973's Lemonade Stand.
Sadly Reaganomics have come along since then, so
good luck running an ethical business. Hopefully
someone will do a demake and get it running on a
chunky 70s IBM Mainframe where it belongs.
https://donlatino.itch.io/you-were-just-selling-le...
* NONCEOGRAMS - Collaboratively solving every
5x5 nonogram. Maybe you don't know what a
nonogram is and this is our opportunity to
educate you. It's when you're really sick of
people giving you weights in ounces and pounds.
https://pixelogic.app/every-5x5-nonogram#15650001
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from 'film rhymes'
Last week we asked you to find words that sound
a bit like the names of movies and photoshop the
results, hopefully for comedy effect, but you
never really know, trust the process and see
what comes out. Nearly 120 entries so clearly
you enjoyed yourselves, and here's a few of our
favs:
* Monkeon remains a genius, and his genius is
that he thinks of a rhyme, realises and then
puts an extra joke on it. This is, in the words
of people who do comedy bollocks, 'a topper'
https://b3ta.com/board/11418354
* Ah fuck it, we'll give Monkeon a second win
because we love this movie and it's much better
than what we imagined, which would have been
more along the lines of 'Beef Encouter'
https://b3ta.com/board/11418192
* And a coveted third/turd place to Ninj with
his work in the toilet freshening department
https://b3ta.com/board/11418366
See them all over on our internet website:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/filmrhymes/popular/
So you want to know about this week's challenge
do you? Ok, it's a TOAP (Text On A Picture)
challenge with writing 'self-sabotage books'
https://b3ta.com/challenge/theselfsabotageindustry...
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: ASK B3TA
We're rebooting Ask Jeeves, a question at a time
Willboase writes, "A while ago (probably early
2018) you shared a link to an article about how
small decisions have outsized consequences. I
think at the time you even put a note saying
that it was uncharacteristically sincere for a
b3ta link. Anyway, long story short, it caused
me to quit smoking, get married, change my job
and move to a different continent but for the
life of me I can't find it again. Any ideas?
Keep up the good work etc."
Unsure what this might be to be honest, we
wondered if it could be this 'Wait, but why?'
piece that a lot of people found inspirational
but probably not. Still, worth a read,
https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html
If you've got a question for B3ta, then who the
hell knows if we'll be able to answer, but we
won't confidently make stuff up like AI.
http://b3ta.com/mailus
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* MEDUSA TOUCH THE COMPUTER GAME - Your face via
a webcam, overlayed with a cityscape and a plane
going from left to right. Pulling a really
stressy face for several seconds pulls the plane
down to crash the plane. Probably bad taste this
week, maybe launch it in a couple of weeks.
* READER REQUEST - Daddyswank asks, "I would
like to play a game as the Pope in the
Popemobile." So would we, although we'd like a
version where you could run into the crowd, maim
a few people, and then explore the complex PR
implications out as a simulation.
* REAL FOOTBALL SIMULATION GAME - which
accurately simulates the experience of being a
football fan, do you invest your money in a
dodgy firestick or do you go broke buying a
season ticket? Do you bore on to all your
dwindling friends about the great football
podcast you listen to, or do you prefer to hang
on on a football forum and bully the newbies
that try and join in instead? Do you hide in the
attic playing Kevin Tom's Football Manager on
your ZX Spectrum emulator, or do you secretly
prefer Software Star etc.
Tell us about your stuff ok?
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (yamma banana - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "UNCHARACTERISTICALLY SINCERE" FESSHOLE
"I've just done a roughly one min task that I've
been putting off for about two weeks and has
been eating away at my sanity, sleep and nerves.
I feel completely relieved. If you see this,
it's your sign to do that thing you've been
putting off."
