NEWSLETTER: "FUNNY SHIT YOUR DAD FAXED TO THE OTHER OFFICE IN HALESOWEN IN 1985"
* WIKIMEDIA RADIO - Listen to the bizarre uploads
* SPIDER-WALK ACROSS THE UK - touching Gregg's shops
* HAPPY 50th JAWS - the copyright free shark
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | pointing a phone at web-
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| sites & posting on tiktok"
B3ta e-snailmail newsletter 951 - 20th June 2025
Read this issue out loud & upload to Wikimedia:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue951
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their thighs chaff
* WIKIPEDIA RADIO - Monkeon writes, "Listen to
random sounds uploaded to Wikimedia, most of
which it turns out have never been linked to a
single Wikipedia article, despite such tunes as
File: Hairynobs - stretched sagging worn out
anus .ogg being perfect for their page on Mr
Goatse." This is bloody brilliant and Twitch
streaming people should take this up and listen
together.
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/wikiradio/
* ANON OPIN, NOW ON THREADS TOO - In this
newsletter's mission to cope with the
fragmentation of social media by publishing our
junk everywhere, we - that is your editor with
the help of Dave Bagpuss - have brought Anon
Opin to Threads. Next week we plan to bring Yoko
Ono Bot to Friends Reunited.
https://www.threads.com/@anonopinhole
* A VERY RUDE SONG THAT'S NOT RUDE - Elliot
Mason has been posting songs to the B3ta links
board since 2017 and they're all joyfully
insane. He writes, "Here's a song I wrote for
Eurovision in 1942".
https://b3ta.com/links/I_waved_my_foot_in_the_gard...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Have you bought some clothes yet?
If you read this newsletter regularly you might
skip this bit because we mention Hebtro every
week. But we write a new paragraph every time in
the hope that slightly different words catch
your eye and you don't become advert blind.
Anyway: the clothes aren't cheap, but they're
designed to last, all made in the UK and a
perfect gift for the difficult men in your life.
Also the stuff looks as a cool as fuck, to
borrow a phrase that last was in currency with
the Inspiral Carpets.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses, fessed up, once again
Six years ago we asked you to start confessing
and a week later we begged you to stop, but you
wouldn't listen so this is what we do now. We
read your lies, jokes and occasional heartfelt
begs for mercy and churn it all out for likes on
social media. Three that caught our eye this
week:
* CALM DOWN BONEHEAD - "Bailiffs called me to
say I owed £400 for a parking ticket. After
paying it I stuck the bloke's number on Gumtree
for two Oasis tickets face value. Despise them."
* MIXED MESSAGES - "Hooked up with an Aussie on
Tinder a couple years ago. She told me 'you fuck
like you have a big dick' I think about this
daily as a wonderful compliment and a terrible
insult and I'm not sure how she meant it."
* LIFE GOALS - "Guy at work has a rep of being
mega-busy to the point people won't invite him
to meetings. We've got to know one other
recently and I've since realised he does next to
fuck all and has somehow manifested this
persona. He says it's a long road but I'm now
trying to do the same."
Follow the account that's more popular on
Threads than it is on BlueSky because Zuckerberg
has juiced the algorithm to keep you glued to
your phones.
https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
Come to the shows: Leeds next, then there's also
Diss, Worthing and Liverpool for sale. You'll
have a good time and it's a fun show, and we
must remember to say things like that instead of
operating in our normal self-effacing pisstake
voice we operate most of the newsletter in.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Nope, back to the grumpy voice, buy the Fesshole
book because via the Amazon Affiliate kick back
scheme we occasionally get about £30 which we
spend on DVDs. You do want to have some DVDs
don't you?
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your hyperlink bus stops this week include:
* TAKE THE GREGG'S SPIDER CHALLENGE - Walk the
Steak Bake Spider across a map of Britain, and
it will tell you how near you are to 8 Greggs.
Hopefully we'll get a sequel in which you pick a
country and you get to fight the spider with
such fantastic creatures as France's Marie
Blachère Baguette Centipede.
https://alasdairrae.github.io/steakbakespider/
* BLOODY PUZZLE GAMES - W*rdle of the week is a
challenge to do C*nnections under pressure. Work
out what the words have in common, and then
click the one that doesn't belong. Do it 9
times. And breathe.
https://outlier.land/
* ARTS FOR ARTS SAKE - And in other Josh
Wardle-inspired sites, this is r/place done as a
giant Mondrian painting. I was going to say it's
surprisingly unvandalised, but I see some Elon
has just drawn a swastika.
https://mmondrian.com/
* THREE DAY SCI-FI LARP WEIRDNESS - Matt Round
tells us that this is an "in-depth write-up of a
thing I enjoyed reading about but would hate to
attend."
https://mssv.net/2025/06/15/playing-first-contact-...
* GOATSE OF THE WEEK - wayneg1 writes, "Found
this and thought of you guys." Thank you Wayne,
it's good to know that when you see an image
that looks a bit like a man opening his bottom
wide, you think of us. That's branding money
can't buy.
https://www.instagram.com/p/DK7YM4PN7L9/
* THE JAWS SHARK IS NOW PUBLIC DOMAIN - it's
happy 50th birthday to Jaws, and to celebrate,
read this story about all the artwork they
rejected before settling on the iconic image,
and how it ended up in a legal limbo where no
one owns it other than the public.
https://ironicsans.ghost.io/how-the-jaws-shark-bec...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
The Self-Sabotage Industry
Here's the best images from last week:
* Monkeon has made an image that reminds us our
idea for a dating app, where men could pay any
price they like to join, and that price is on
their profile
https://b3ta.com/board/11418518
* 'Ya What' has demotivated us all
https://b3ta.com/board/11418392
* 'Lawn Cont' has made an apposite image given
today's assisted dying vote
https://b3ta.com/board/11418409
* See all the other images from the 'The
Self-Sabotage Industry' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/theselfsabotageindustry/...
>> This week: Cartoon Spin-offs <<
The BBC are making a Dr Who cartoon for
CBeebies, following in the footsteps of such
classics as that one about the Fonz and his dog.
Show us what other TV shows could do with
becoming a cartoon, or which could do with a
cameo from a cartoon character, if that's
easier. Suggested by hagbardsapple.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cartoonspinoffs/popular/...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories
* PIGS PIGS PIGS PIGS PIGS PIGS PIGS - You might
remember Matt Round broke the internet when he
released his nudes, sorry, when we released his
pig stacking game. Incredibly, a fan has 3D
printed the entire thing and turned it into a
real world stacking game. If you're an eccentric
board games production company we suggest you
get on this quick, before someone like
Waddingtons takes it up and makes billions.
https://bsky.app/profile/vole.wtf/post/3lruvbguzws...
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: ASK B3TA
We're rebooting Ask Jeeves, very poorly, sorry
leo@vegoda writes, "In 2008 I took a train to
Brussels. At Mechelen, some men got on and asked
"Are we at Mechelen?" When they left, they had
taken the handbag of the lady across the aisle.
I have felt incredibly guilty ever since for not
protecting an adult from distraction thieves.
Will you absolve me of my guilt?"
This is not really what we're after, we're
already flooded with confession stuff on
Fesshole, we want proper questions, so no we
will not forgive you, may your sin follow you to
your grave.
If you've got a question for B3ta, tell us now,
or we'll give up this section as a bad idea.
http://b3ta.com/mailus
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea scrotum
* BYE BYE BIRDIE - Monkeon suggests "I'd like to
see an account that posts pictures of the
Twitter bird icon spotted irl on that day. Keep
it going until every van and store-front has
been repainted. Watch it slowly fade away from
public, and the challenge to photograph it gets
harder and harder."
* TEST AI - compare ChatGTP with Microsoft
Encarta for accuracy on say 100 randomly picked
subjects. And fix it so Encarta wins. Hashtag
Encarta 4eva.
* SPELLING BEEFEATERS - we need a British
version of Spelling Bee. The NYT is taking our
money, you need to localise your content for
your loyal British fans who know how to spell
properly.
Make your ideas and tell us, it's that simple:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (hot hot hot- Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "Who's going to tell him?" FESSHOLE
"My wife hasn't realised that any time I have to
tell her bad news or have a difficult
conversation, I always do it the day after her
weekend yoga trips. She goes on these regularly
with a bloke from work. She comes back super
chilled and therefore less likely to argue."
