NEWSLETTER: "THIS IS A JOURNEY INTO NEWSLETTERS, STEREOPHONIC NEWSLETTERS"
"THIS IS A JOURNEY INTO NEWSLETTERS, STEREOPHONIC NEWSLETTERS"
* PRIMESWEEPER - That's Minesweeper with primes
* CAN YOU DO ONE CHIN UP? - the challenge starts
* PROCLAIMERS SIMULATOR - can you walk 500 miles?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | taking dirty Polaroids of
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the naughty bits, togetha"
B3ta email news e-letter 953 - 4th July 2025
Squeak this issue using after inhaling helium:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue953
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making "earwax candles"
* PRIMESWEEPER - Matt Round writes, "Yes, it's
Minesweeper but with prime numbers. Quick
project I thought of yesterday morning: It
always gives you 5 'easy' numbers (even, 777,
369, etc) to help you get started". Maths nerds,
get clicking this shit, this is your new Wordle
for you number freaks who obsess over primes.
https://vole.wtf/primesweeper/
* ONE CHIN-UP CHALLENGE - 'Pig Face Turnip'
writes, "I'm attempting to do one chin up before
I turn 50." This spoke to us as we're old and
physically weak and can't do this either, but
it's a wonderful idea, imagine, just being able
to do one chin-up. Why, you'd be like Rambo III.
https://b3ta.com/links/1624970
* REALISTIC PROCLAIMERS SIMULATOR - loyalmussy
writes, "This one is a short gag that begs the
question, 'Are you man enough to walk 500 miles?
How about 500 more?' Featuring approximately 300
hours of gameplay, 'The Ultimate Proclaimers
Experience' asks you to put your money where
your mouth is and complete a walking journey of
1,000 real time miles." Jesus wept, this is a
stupid idea and we love it, and we're absolutely
not going to finish it because we're not
mentally ill.
https://andymetoo.itch.io/the-ultimate-proclaimers...
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Create your own Bob Vylan tribute act by picking
a famous act and mucking with their name: Fidel
Castrol GTX, Stevie Wonderbar, Public Enema,
Kool & The Gangrene, and... Bing Crosby, Stills
& Nash
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes, you clothesless people
Look into our eyes: you're feeling very
suggestable, the clothes you're wearing are
lovely but you could be kind to yourself by
buying some extra ones so you have something
particularly spruce to wear when you go to the
pub with your friends and you'll get some
compliments. All made in the UK to the highest
standards because Hebtro stands for quality.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions, fessed up once again
You know the score, we ask for fesses, you vomit
them up at us, and we publish a few we like.
Some horrors this week include:
* WHICH GALLAGHER IS THIS? - "Growing up my
brother always wanted what I had whether it be
toys, food or girls. Went on a few dates with
this gorgeous girl who was giving off red flags
so introduced them and he was true to form.
She's making his life a misery now. Not sorry."
* SEXY DADS - "I was sat in a bar on my own. A
very attractive lady kept looking at me, she
came over, I'm very happily married, but I
thought I've still got it and let her down
gently. She said I remind her of her dead dad,
and cried on my shoulder for 20 minutes. I
haven't got it."
* MORE SEXY DADS - "I'm a middle-aged man. I've
joined Wetherspoons Facebook groups with a fake
account pretending to be an attractive young
woman so I get sent lots of free drinks."
Follow the account that's on so many social
medias we can't remember which one to link to:
https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
COME TO THE SHOWS. Leeds soon, then Diss,
Worthing and Liverpool. We'll be the pillock in
the hat, you'll be the brilliant people
confessing.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books so that we get the Amazon kickback
and the pennies add up to, dunno, £30 a month?
Something like that, but it's better than
nothing.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Coming down your phone line at 28.8 kbps
* TERRIBLE FOOTBALL FOOD QUIZ - Pictures of junk
food from various football stadiums. Your
challenge is to match the consensus on which
looks the nicest to clog your arteries with,
whilst watching people in peak physical fitness
run around in their shorts. The evil mode is an
interesting little experiment in colour.
https://scrandle.com/
* THE MOON IS NOW ASCII - In an ideal internet,
every .com would take you to a fun Ronseal site,
rather than a greedy domain squatter. This one
does, though. So if you love the moon and ASCII
art, this is for you.
https://asciimoon.com/
* SNAKES ON A 'PLANE' - A maths pun remake of
Snake, which we're not on the level of nerdiness
to appreciate if it's a good joke or not, but we
assume some b3tans will like playing this sort
of thing after chess club.
https://michaelfrommountains.itch.io/snakes-on-pla...
* POLITICAL PODCAST DONE BY SHITTY AI - What you
should take away from this isn't anything about
AI per se, but that political podcasts are
addictive and also pointless. You need to stop
listening to them, delete the podcast app if you
have to. You do not need to be on top of every
up and down like a sports game.
https://www.jamesrball.com/p/i-built-the-torment-n...
* ARE YOU DEAD YET? Funny thing reading the b3ta
newsletter, one minute it's all Badger Badger
Badger and your mid 20s, and then suddenly it's
twenty-five years later and you're still reading
the same newsletter so the question is: are you
dead yet?
https://amideadyet.me/
* CHUCK TAGGART, A NAME THAT INSPIRES - Enjoyed
this story of a guy whose name so delighted J.J.
Abrams that he imagined a TV show about him.
It's an accidental parable about what it's like
to have an imagination that fires off slightly
uselessly all the time, about the wrong thing.
Works for J.J. but for us it mostly means we
annoy people with inappropriate ideas at the
wrong moment.
https://bsky.app/profile/sazeracla.bsky.social/pos...
* THE ULTIMATE WEB NERD CHATROOM - ok we'll lose
our less technical readers with this one, it
involves opening your javascript console and
using that to talk to hot nerds who are waiting
for your texty talk.
https://www.consolechat.io/
Word up web slags, if you've made some shit tell
us about it, and we'll tell the mother-fucking
world. Fuck yeah.
http://b3ta.com/mailus
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to weird up your brain and make stuff
* REALISTIC NOEL GALLAGHER SIMULATOR - a life
simulator where you make the most crass
commercial decisions possible - surge prices on
your wife using the toilet etc - before winning
by ending up as Scrooge McDuck and no friends.
* FIND MY NAZI BIRTHDAY - This fesshole made us
laugh as we could imagine building it as a
terrible UsVsThem interactive, "When someone I
know has a baby, I like to find the
highest-ranking Nazi who shares their new bundle
of joy's birthday, and casually inform the
parents."
* AN EMERGENCY WILL SMITH PODCAST - that reads
out all the comments on this fucking terrible
video whilst absolutely corpsing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
You are not stuck. You can make stuff. You can,
we believe in you, anoint your own creative
genius, and tell us about it.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
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SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
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Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
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blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
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H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
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Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
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Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
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Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
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Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
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Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
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FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
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Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
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Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Yoink - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
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Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
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: BONUS "PARENTING TIP" FESSHOLE
"Installed a WiFi system that can cut off
individual devices in the house. Now, all I have
to do is threaten the kids that theirs will be
selected for cut off and reach for my phone, and
like magic, their chores are done. Highly
recommend it to parents."
