NEWSLETTER: "THE OFFICIAL FAN NEWSLETTER OF [TABLE] TAGS IS IN YOUR INBOX ONCE AGAIN"
* DRAWING THING - Can you draw a face on a cloud?
* WHITTLING WORD GAME - Make long words shorter
* JOEL VEITCH - Has returned in canine form. Woof
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | putting the HTML in
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| vinegar... together"
B3ta newsletter e-email 955 - 1st Aug 2025
Read this issue out on your Coldplay cheat cam:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue955
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making toe jam sexy again
* RATHERGOOD DOG BOLLOCKS - Joel Veitch is
pissing around doing a thing with dogs. It's
nice to hear Joel's voice on something, as there
he is, that's Joel. Hopefully he can sell this
idea to someone who wants a dog but doesn't want
the hassle of having a dog. Have Joel's virtual
dog instead.
https://b3ta.com/links/Hengist_has_a_bone_Dogs_Dog...
* OLD COMPUTER GAMES QUIZ - Tom writes, "I just
launched RetroTrivia, a daily game where players
guess a video game title through four modes." Ok
we suppose this can go in as you've used an old
font.
https://retrotrivia.games
* EXPLORE THE WHOLE CENTURY, IN SOUND - Zuowan's
'century of sound podcast' has reached
relatively modern times with 1950, and is
picking up plaudits all over the place, so if
you were put off earlier by thinking "I don't
want to listen to 1922" now is the time to get
on board.
https://centuriesofsound.com/2025/07/15/1950-part-...
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The Online Safety Act is a conspiracy by Big
Podcast to get more ads from NordVPN
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy those clothes because reasons ok?
Hebtro sponsors B3ta and in return we promise to
mention that their clothes are great: long
lasting, made in the UK and ideal gifts for men
or even yourself. So help yourself out to some
lovely clothes and help B3ta too.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Fesses fessed up like a big festival of fesses
Each week you do your fess stuff and we read it
all, truly we read it all. That's our commitment
to this stuff: we read the fuck out of it and
pick out a few for publishing. Our favs this
week include:
* QUICK THINKING - "My wife got drunk last
night. Unrelated to this, we had a huge row. I
knew she wouldn't remember it today. I had to
look at her phone this morning to turn her alarm
off, & saw she'd sent herself a message
reminding herself about the row. I deleted the
message before she woke up."
* MEMORY IS ALL IMPROVISED BULLSHIT - "All my
mates know the harrowing story of how I nearly
drowned as a kid and had to be rescued by
helicopter. The story came up at a birthday meal
and my mum said that never happened. After a lot
of arguing and Googling we've figured out I fell
asleep watching a 999 TV reenactment"
* PETTY GOOD - "Got an email from Google that my
storage space was 91% full and I should buy more
for £5 a month. Spent the last week deleting 10
years of emails, files & attachments. I've now
got tennis elbow, my right thumb is agony but
down to 7% storage space used - I have defeated
Google"
Follow the account that has 124,000 followers on
the least cool and least culturally significant
social media platform, Threads.
https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
Come to the shows. We've just done Leeds and it
went so well we've booked a second Leeds gig.
But we need to start bigging up Diss AKA East
Anglia AKA Norfolk. DO COME.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book(s) that are printed in a too small
font for your editor to read without his reading
glasses. To be fair the yellow one's font is
bigger than the red for exactly this reason, but
still it's not quite big enough for his poor old
eyes. Now that's how to encourage people to buy
books.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
The href-aree's a (w)anchor
* UNUSUAL WORDS IN MOVIES - Nice bit of data
mining where you can find out which films
contain the most obscure words. The fact one of
the words is "mademoiselles" suggests they've
not checked any French cinema. Probably just as
well now that Gerard Depardieu is cancelled.
https://lettervoxd.com/
* THE WARLOCK OF FIRECOCK MOUNTAIN - An
old-school text adventure maze, the novelty of
which is that you can get to draw on the walls
for future people visiting that room. Mostly
cocks, then, as you'd expect.
https://htmlmaze.com/
* ACTUALLY A GOOD QUIZ ACTUALLY - W****e of the
week requires you to remove one letter at a time
in order to create new words. Can you remove
them all and get it in the nip?
https://playwhittle.com/
* SCIENTOLOGY KEYBOARD - Nice to know Cherry,
makers of those clicky keyboards that annoying
people in the office like, made a special
keyboard for Scientologists. Hopefully there was
a little "suppressive person" key instead of a
Windows key, should Tom Cruise pop up offering
to help like Clippy. Yes this joke does work, no
don't think about it for longer than it takes to
realise it makes no sense whatsoever.
https://www.reddit.com/r/MechanicalKeyboards/comme...
* AGE VERIFICATION FUCKING EVERYTHING - Aussie
site does age verification by asking users to
give them a bottle of gin and apparently they've
already verified several users. Our plan is to
start phoning people up and asking /boarders if
they know what Sapphire and Steel is, and
publishing the results as a shit podcast.
https://chinwag.au/verification/
* DRAW FACES ON CLOUDS - lovely idea for a
website which presents you with photos of clouds
which you can draw on, we've submitted two and
it's oddly addictive. Turns out all we want to
do in life is draw on clouds.
https://cloudgazing.online/
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: THE B3TA MAIL BAG
We're asking you to send us letters
* HUMUNGOUS KANGEROO'S VAGINA - Joel from
Rathergood writes, "Hello Mr Manuel I saw that
B3ta is requesting letters from its readers so I
would like to take this opportunity to say BIG
DIG'S COCK." Joel you probably meant to say
'dog' rather than 'dig', unless you're doing a
South African accent for cheap lols, and knowing
you, maybe you are.
* AND NOW, SERIOUSLY... HappyToast writes, "Dear
B3ta. Does the fact that you have documented the
thoughts, rants, jokes and chat of thousands of
people over two and a half decades make you stop
and think? If so, what?" The public are funny.
That's what it makes us think, that's the basic
idea that has always powered B3ta. That there
isn't a special group of magic people who are
the funny people, but loads of people are funny.
Your dad's funny, and in another life he could
have been John Cleese. And how the world is run
robs that from us, that it's only a handful of
people who get to make sketches or write albums.
Everyone should create, it's what we're here to
do.
* BOOKY WOOK - helengaskelljr writes, "Yo. Long
time B3ta lurker/subscriber here. I mean, LONG
TIME. Look, it's a long time away but I made a
thing and lord knows how long you'll bother with
this form malarkey. Anyway if any B3ta readers
feel like helping me again my goal of lying on a
chaise longue in pearls holding a cigarette
holder and a tiny dog, I would be immensely
grateful for a pre-order on the platform of your
choice." OK, this technically shouldn't really
be in the B3ta letters section but we can't
really evaluate a whole book on a Friday
afternoon for three lines of newsletter stuff,
but what we can say with confidence is we
enjoyed reading her spiel:
https://www.helengaskellwriter.co.uk/blog/who-the-...
Send b3ta a letter. And don't think you're funny
by sending us a single letter of the alphabet,
assume we've already thought of that gag.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on previous stories
* KLF BOOK REPUBLISHED - we bigged up John
Higg's KLF book when it was self-published on
Amazon 10+ years ago, and immediately got an
email from science writer Ben Goldacre going
"are you shilling or are you really saying this
is as good as you say" and we replied "we never
do unlabeled shilling we just love this book".
And Ben read it and loved it too and sent it to
his agent who took Higgs on and the rest is
history. Anyway, the new edition is now
published in paperback, do read if you haven't.
It's in our top three books of all time, which
includes Nineteen Eighty-Four and The Manual.
Higgs tells us this edition "now includes the
'author's commentary' from the 10th anniversary
hardback edition"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/139961036...
* WEEK THREE OF THE PULL-UP CHALLENGE - we
didn't want to link to this one as we like the
project, yes, but we're a bit embarrassed by the
end bit, so don't watch that ok?
https://b3ta.com/links/One_Pull_Up_date
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Genre-Swap Books
Genre-swapping books was a strong challenge with
over 100 entries, which is the magic number we
always think, phew, well that kinda worked. Some
favs included:
* HappyToast decided to mash up Spielberg and
Eric Carle to make the Very Hungry Schindler, no
no no, of course he didn't so that, we're just
filling space so we don't fuck up his joke:
https://b3ta.com/board/11419064
* 'Dick Wonder' has reminded us of our favourite
gardener
https://b3ta.com/board/11419056
* 'Laplandes' has produced something that we'd
probably enjoy watching as a 10 minute short
https://b3ta.com/board/11419173
* See all the other images from the 'Genre-Swap
Books' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/genreswapbooks/popular
>> This week: Movie Pets <<
The new Superman film features the man of
steel's flying dog Krypto. Show us what other
movies would be improved if the characters also
had their pets with them. Suggested by GazChap.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moviepets/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea gooch
* EJACULATE DOESN'T BLOCK SINKS, THE SCIENCE -
men regularly send anxious messages to Fesshole
worrying that they've blocked the sink with
their sticky go, but it's bollocks, it's soap
and hair, your spunk doesn't congeal like that.
Some science to test this to put men's minds at
ease please.
* DOUGLAS ADAMS - THE TEXT ADVENTURE - everyone
a bit funny and about our age probably wanted to
be Douglas Adams at some point, so let's lean
into this with the text adventure Infocom should
have made, where you can "write book" and it'll
spit out the next paragraph or two of the HGTTG,
or more often not, but you can also "take bath"
"buy computer" "have affair" "phone a python"
"buy more guitars"
* YIE AR TOMMY ROBINSON KUNG-FU - a simple game
where you easily beat a 64 man nearly to death
and then leave the country to avoid the
consequences.
Just make something. Stop being stuck. Make
things. And tell b3ta.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
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H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
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Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
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Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
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Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
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Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
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Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Nopro - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "IS THIS US?" FESSHOLE
"Was getting the tube back from a fancy dress
party. 6am, hadn't slept, was dressed as a
Catholic priest. Woman came up to me and asked
me to pray for her. Muttered some made up Latin.
Think I got away with it."
