NEWSLETTER: "BRITAIN'S OLDEST NEWSLETTER CELEBRATES STANDING UP WITHOUT GROANING"
* CRAP NOVELTY SONGS - Play them like MTV
* PROCRASTINATE - with random website generator
* CHALLENGE - Cartoon characters go on holiday
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by forcing people to
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| upload ID to view ceefax"
B3ta letter of news 957 - 22nd Aug 2025
Ask HAL to sing newsletter whilst brain removed:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue957
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pets sad again
* SHIT BRITISH NOVELTY SONGS - Matt Round
writes, "I risked my sanity spending days
trawling through novelty song suggestions and
this is the result, brace yourselves. The
animated idents were made by HappyToast."
https://vole.wtf/vtv/
* RANDOMLY PROCRASTINATE - willgrant writes,
"Made a stupid thing that combines words to lead
you down the next internet rabbit hole /
obsession. It's a dangerous procrastination
weapon." Basically this throws a random combo of
words into Wikipedia to see what comes up. As an
aside, who is wondering if libraries need to
download their own copies of Wikipedia given who
knows if services as good will last in these
current times?
https://wgx.github.io/adno/
* A TRIBUTE TO TONY WILSON IN SONG - Ricardo
Autobahn has been sampling the sadly missed
ex-Factory boss to turn him into a dance record.
He tells us, "We've got Tony's son on board so
I'm hoping for big things." We're quite
entertained by this and always marvel at how
well Richardo makes ordinary speech fit to the
beat, and it's that attention to detail that
makes us love him.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Cuban_Boys_Vs_Tony_Wils...
* THE ONE PULL UP CHALLENGE CONTINUES - Pig Face
Turnip writes, "Trying to get my weight down, so
I have less of a lump to lift up, by conquering
my addiction to crisps." Our tip to stop eating
crisps is the Rosanne Barr method, where she
recommended that you can eat what you like, but
naked in front of a mirror.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Crisps_Solution
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know, this bit, buy some clothes
Hebtro make clothes coz that's how business
works: you make a product, you put it for sale.
But where Hebtro are different to Elon Musk is
that they're less likely to start a fascist AI
tech bro oligacy thing, and are more likely just
to make clothes in the UK, to the highest
standards and pay everyone properly. Ideal for
presents for the difficult men in your life, and
if you're on b3ta, you know it's all difficult
men.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up once again
Each week you spew your guts into a Google form
and we fish around for a few to post on social
media, some good ones included:
* TEA BAGGING YOUR MUM - "In my teens my Mum
would often have her friends around. She'd tell
them I make the best cups of tea, & they would
agree it was the best they ever tasted. Only
recently realised she was completely mugging me
off so I'd be the tea boy for her mates. My tea
is actually bang average."
* META FUN - "When I see a beautiful house I
can't afford being advertised by estate agents
on Facebook, I sometimes write 'Stunning house,
but I couldn't live there after what happened'
in the comments, then sit back and watch the
replies."
* "At my nan's funeral, one of my sister's
friends gave me a hug. I fancied her big time,
she looked amazing & I got an instant hard on.
There was a big crowd there, so the only choice
was to stand by nan's open coffin, look at her
corpse until my erection subsided."
Follow the account that is the best reason to
remove Threads from your phone:
https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
Come to the shows: Diss (Norfolk/East Anglia) -
The Corn Hall - 10th Sep 2025, Worthing (West
Sussex) - The Factory Live - 15th Oct 2025,
Liverpool - Hot Water Comedy - 12th Nov 2025 &
Leeds - The Old Woolen - 4th Mar 2026.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And of course buy the books which never turn up
in charity shops because people love them so
much. Or at least, that's what we tell
ourselves.
https://amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Remember websites?
* SUPERMARKET ARCHEOLOGICAL MONUMENTS - Enjoying
this blog where someone is hunting down the
'lost stones of ADSA' which were price
guarantees etched in stone, and placed outside
Asda supermarkets a few years back. Possibly
inspiration for Ed Miliband'd EdStone.
https://loststonesofasda.wordpress.com/
* MAKING YOUR OWN LIMONCELLO - this clip
resonated with your editor as he's recently got
into brewing his own moonshine.
https://b3ta.com/links/Friday_night_limoncello
* THIS PAGE CONSUMED ENERGY - ASCII art is
always the best way of visualising anything, and
this page shows you exactly what sort of energy
has been used to generate the very page you're
looking at. Nice to be reminded that renewables
are making good progress, too.
https://caw.guillaumeslizewicz.com/
* TIMELOOP PUZZLER - A beautiful little
platform-adventure game in which you're stuck in
a time-loop and have only a minute to solve the
puzzles. Utterly frustrating, though less so
than that Dizzy game where you only had one life
and so had to start again every ten minutes.
https://douckdouck.itch.io/a-birds-minute
* TITANIC DELETED SCENE - probably for the best
this scene didn't make the movie - as quite
frankly, it was long enough as it is.
https://b3ta.com/links/No_quite_sure_how_it_came_u...
* MUSIC FOR CODING - Enjoying this music making
application that lets you make music in your
browser using code, none of that boring dragging
things around in a DAW, but code. Hell yeah.
https://strudel.cc/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Literal Movie Titles
Here's the best images from last week:
* HappyToast proves he's the true 'lol eater'
https://b3ta.com/board/11419939
* Monkeon provides the keaton our funny bone.
Sorry.
https://b3ta.com/board/11419914
* Ninj gives us his licence to URL:
https://b3ta.com/board/11420096
* See all the other images from the 'Literal
Movie Titles' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/literalmovietitles/popul...
>> This week: Cartoon Characters on Holiday <<
It's summer holiday time, so show us what your
favourite cartoon and comic characters are
getting up to on their getaways.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cartooncharactersonholid...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE CHATGTP - but
replies to everything with handwritten and hard
won advice on using your own brain i.e. "try
using your imagination, if you're struggling,
try imagining something small, like a worm, and
ask yourself, what is it doing there? Run
through options, if one makes you laugh,
congratulations, you've written a joke."
* STICK ON A TRIBUTE NIGHT AND GAS THE PEOPLE
WHO TURN UP - given half the gigs available
these days are tribute bands, I've come up with
the worst idea for the future: tribute live
shows for podcasts. You can't afford to see Rory
Stewart & Alistair Campbell in the O2, see two
blokes cosplaying them in your local pub. Alt
idea: an all-red-headed metal covers band called
Ginger Snake.
* KRAPY RUB SNIF - Given Finsbury Park backwards
is a little bit amusing, please do an exhaustive
search of every place name in the UK to find any
others. Er.. Euston is 'not sue' which makes us
slightly smile.
Go on, make something and tell us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (NP - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "CAT SCAN" FESSHOLE
"Found some lumps on my cat's belly so took him
to the vets to get them checked. Paid £36 to be
told my cat did indeed have nipples."
