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This Week:
* ANIM - Cheese Terrorism
* QUIZ - Flesh or Food?
* VIDEO - Bloke climbs through bat

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web ... together"

B3ta email 96 - 11 Jul 2003

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  Friday 18th July 2003, London UK.

  Just a quick reminder that the B3ta party
  is next Friday. It's going to be ace. Come.


  Cheese, Quiz, Vid, Bike, Tennis, Google & Biscuits

  >> Weebl cheese terrorism <<
  Bad boy Jonti has been in trouble for his latest
  Weebl & Bob. It carries a strong anti-cheese
  message and, when it first came out, gave the
  phone number for the UK Cheese Society as a
  helpline. Needless to say, they were most unhappy
  when they caught wind and made him remove the
  number post haste. Oh well, fun while it lasted. 

  >> Flesh or food quiz <<
  Jasper Koning is continuing the tawdry
  tradition of the b3ta either/or quizzes,
  with this latest instalment. It's in black and
  white, which makes it both more arty and
  far more difficult. If only our fingers didn't
  look exactly like carrots.

  >> Patchwork video <<
  Like the Surrealists of old, Fnord has been
  conducting a curious experiment. He's been
  asking b3ta board members to make short
  animations, each leading on from the last frame
  of the one before. A bit like those story telling
  games we all played at junior school. The result
  doesn't make a lot of sense, but there are
  sporadic moments of genius.

  >> Girls on bikes <<
  Trying to imagine what it would have
  been like, if Robert Smith had joined Duran
  Duran instead of The Cure? Well, give
  your brain a rest now. Misteralfie's rather
  plaintive voice lends charm to this simple
  animation, which features both girls - and bikes.

  >> Tennis World Record <<
  "Last night I shaved 2 seconds off my record,"
  yelps LP, "for climbing through a tennis
  racquet." Blimey. He does as well. Skinny
  little monkey.

  >> Talk to Google <<
  "This is only ever online when I am," mews IZB,
  but I'll make sure it's running on Friday afternoon."
  Add Google to your MSN contacts and try
  to communicate with it. The results are weird,
  but if all the crap we read on the net is true
  then this is the closest thing to talking to God
  you'll find without the aid of hallucinogens.

  >> Biscuithenge challenge <<
  "I got very bored last week", purrs 100% Kitten,
  "and made Stonehenges out of biscuits to find
  out which was the hengiest." Wow. Which biscuit
  is going to win this mighty contest? Our money was
  on the Bourbon, but there is only one way for you
  to find out for sure.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Matrix pong <<
  Wow on a stick. Check this video out. Japanese
  TV presenters playing ping pong in the style
  of The Matrix with manual special effects.
  The choreography is mind boggling.

  >> Silence of the lambs: the musical <<
  The musical is an under-rated art. Yes -
  it's a commercial behemoth, but where's
  the critical respect? All that's going to
  change with songs like, "If I could smell her
  cunt." We're sticking this on the iPod and
  heading off to Asda to buy some fava beans
  and a nice chianti. So should you.

  >> Retro anti-piracy propaganda <<
  Fuck - we wish we were American. Then we
  would have had the sniggering joy of being
  subjected to this 1992 education film
  about the evils of software piracy. In rap.
  Yes - you read that right. In muthafucking
  wiggidy whack rap. Rubbishtastic.

  >> Tunnel surfing game <<
  Sitting in b3ta HQ we see a lot of Flash games,
  and you - lucky reader - are spared from most
  of them. Why? Because they're utter shite.
  This one isn't. It looks utterly fantastic
  - like something you'd see on a Playstation.
  But is it a good game? Haven't got a clue
  - it kept killing us. But look, dammit! It's
  soooo pretty.

  >> Your heavy metal face <<
  Bored with your image? Missing the days when
  you could goth up to scare your parents and
  your mates wouldn't laugh? Re-live it all
  by uploading your pic to this site and
  customising it with nose rings and spikes.

  >> Trippy toy <<
  There's hardly a shortage of psychedelic play
  things on the web, but this one is cool. Why?
  Because it's Japanese and we don't understand
  the instructions. We made nice fireworks with
  it, though.


  Which we've paraphrased as the links are shit

  >> Anti-mosquito cellphone <<
  Korea's largest mobile phone operator is
  offering customers a new service that will
  repel mosquitoes with a sound wave that is
  inaudible to human ears but annoys mosquitoes
  within a range of one meter. Wish they could
  make one for the newly sponsored Carling
  buskers on London tubes. Grrr.

  >> Snopes conspiracy <<
  "Snopes was set up in early 1995 by the CIA as
  a way to debunk popular conspiracy theories,
  Companies and individuals can now pay to have
  their urban legend denied on the site, a prime
  beneficiary being Richard Gere." And b3ta was
  started by aliens in 1946 to destroy
  Friday afternoons.

  >> Tabloid animal madness <<
  Christ. Have you been reading the tabloids
  this week? They've been on top form. We've
  had a German zookeeper who ate his animals,
  and a Turkish dog trained to do Nazi salutes
  at Jews. Go tabloids, go!


  Results from the B3ta Book Of Records Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted entries for B3ta's own book
  of World Records:

  We asked B3ta boarder 'SunshineElephant' to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Sunshine Elephant writes -

  #1 "Slug Snogging Record - Beautifully animated
     and funny too. A man snogging slugs... (icezebra)

  #2 "Ernie - This'll make you smile if nothing else
     will today. Three cheers for the witty monkeon
     hip hip hooray! (monkeon)

  #3 "World's longest bicycle ridden by genetically
     engineered mutant animal human hybrids and also
     the world's longest b3ta weekly photoshopping
     competion entry title - Two entries for the price
     of one and beautifully done." (sosumi)

  >> This Weeks Challenge <<

  This week, the challenge dictator was back and
  asked people to invent fake Japanese products:


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * NO MORE FIRE VIDS - "I just wanna say thanks",
    gurgles Zyk0tiK, "for featuring all my fire
    movies on your site, it's been fun. No more
    fire movies." What a cunt! What are we going
    to wank to now?



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ANIMATION WITH DIALOGUE - where's the next
    Weebl & Bob?

  * MAYAN LOVE GODDESSES - sacrificing Saxophone 
    players: what does this mean and how does
    it work?

  * WANKY SHIT DEMON - allegedly summoned by
    landing your ejaculate on your freshly
    evacuated stools. Has anyone met this
    man? Or woman?

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Kasper, Mr Firaas Rashid and
  everyone who sent in the Matrix & the Don't
  Copy That Floppy video.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the sanguine b4ta polymaths.

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