NEWSLETTER: "MYSPACE TOM DOESN'T CALL FOR *ANYTHING*, AS HE'S A CHILL GUY TAKING NATURE PHOTOS"
* RELOAD CLICKER - Can you hammer a million F5s?
* CYRIAK - Now making videos for Adam Buxton
* NEW CHALLENGE - Kids TV at the movies
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | phoning people up and
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| describing bits of it"
B3ta e-newsletter mail 960 - 14th Sept 2025
Rap this issue over a sick beat on your Amsdrum:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue960
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sinister sausages, again
* RELOAD CLICKER - Matt Round writes, "The
stupidest web game I could think of. Pretty
amazing that modern browser tech can let you
basically turn a DDoS into a game." Yep, it's a
game about how many times you can refresh the
page. As the time of going to press, your editor
is at around 500k, can you beat him?
https://vole.wtf/reload-clicker/
* CYRIAK VS ADAM BUXTON - in a collaboration
between someone we once interviewed and someone
who joined our message board 21 years ago, this
is a lovely bit of work with all the looping
eccentric charm Cyriak brings to all of his
output.
https://b3ta.com/links/Adam_Buxton_video_I_made
* PHYSICS PORN - Kevin Doyle writes, "Hot DP*
action with balls swinging everywhere. A
mesmerising physics simulator that"s as
pointless as it is beautiful. Procrastinate like
there"s no tomorrow (because there isn"t).
*Double Pendulum". Extra points if you can work
out how to make this thing draw a cock and
balls.
https://bigjobby.com/pendulum/
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes, jeans, jackets, boots etc
Do you want to look like a sexy lumberjack? Do
you want all the mums at the school gate to
choose you as their favourite DILF they chat
about on the school whatsapp group? Then get
over to Hebtro and clobber up, with clothes all
made in the UK, to the highest standards and
designed to last. THANKS HEBBERS.
https://hebtro.co/new/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up once more
* APP ENNUI - "Paid off the mortgage this
morning. Did it on the banking app on my phone
lying in bed. Totally deflating. No triumphant
walk into the bank, no looks of mild jealousy
from the teller. No elation. Nothing. Got up,
had a dump. Apps are sucking the joy out of
life."
* TRUMAN'S BREWERY - "Years ago when I used to
go out on the town, a bouncer opened the door
for me and called me by name. I had never seen
him before or since. Since then I have been
convinced I am the star of a Truman like show
and the bouncer was an actor who slipped up."
* UP THE RA-OUNDABOUT! - "As an Irish man living
in England, I've loved seeing the roundabouts
near me painted with a George's cross. It gives
me a few seconds of pure joy driving straight
over the top of it."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistook it for the one that posts
photos of ham with captions that don't really
make sense. "Hello. I'm a phone"
https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
We did a show last week in Diss and it was great
- thank you to everyone who came and chanted and
cheered for class war at the end. Next up is
Liverpool, Worthing and Leeds II: The Revenge.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Of course you can buy the books - we've actually
run out of personal copies, as we kept giving
them away at gigs. We literally run Fesshole and
don't own our own books.
https://amazon.co.uk/s
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Look at the some websites before the WWW dies
* SQUEAKY LAPTOP - Inside every macbook is a
sensor to read the angle of the screen, and this
secret API has been hacked for lols, to play the
noise of a squeaky door. There's also a version
that works as a Theremin, and the code is
available on github.
https://bsky.app/profile/samhenri.gold/post/3ly725...
* DOOM SCROLL - a great pun but basically
Robotron played using only your mouse's scroll
wheel. Vibe coded, apparently, which is a bit
scary but also means you don't have to play it
for long as there's not going to be anything
unexpected or fun in the detail because AI is
incredibly boring like that.
https://gisnep.com/doomscroll/
* POPULARITY GUESSER GAME - Do you have any idea
how popular modern pop stars are, Grandad? This
game will show you someone you've vaguely heard
of and you must name someone as popular as them
on Spotify. Do The Quo get the same amount of
plays as DaBaby?
https://bopmatch.com/game
* FILL YOUR 'CREATIVE RIO' WITH BRAGG - Say
goodbye to Melvyn Bragg leaving Radio 4's In Our
Time with this database so you can look up
episodes by subject and completely nerd out.
This editor once walked past Bragg in Hampstead;
"imperious" was our impression.
https://www.braggoscope.com/
* HOW TO DO COMEDY, WHATEVER THIS GUY IS DOING,
DO THE OPPOSITE - watching this crap comedian
completely bomb at a talent show is both
compelling and painful. There's a second part
too if you scroll.
https://bsky.app/profile/beardedgenius.bsky.social...
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Internet Art
Here's the best images from last week:
* Beautiful pun work from Razzle
https://b3ta.com/board/11420824
* @lexistwit keeps things topical
https://b3ta.com/board/11420983
* Captain Howdy has done the 'debate me bro'
format that actually hits slightly different
since recent events
https://b3ta.com/board/11420785
* See all the other images from the 'Internet
Art' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/internetart/popular
>> This week: Children's TV At The Movies <<
They're making a film of Bagpuss, which everyone
of b3ta age is hoping they don't mess up. Let's
show them how it should be done by taking the
saggy old cloth cat and other childhood
favourites and putting them in the movies.
Suggested by Simon Pegg (not that one).
http://b3ta.com/challenge/childrenstvatthemovies/p...
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next in previous stories
* TINY AWARDS WINNER ANNOUNCED - well done to
Leo Scarin who has won the compo and £500 for
his website made in "commemoration of every
single man, woman and child who, as of March
2025, had been killed as a result of Israeli
attacks on Gaza following the Hamas atrocities".
We asked competition organiser Matt Muir for a
quote and he gave us this rather spicy one:
"Fifty Thousand Names is ace because it's one
person making something about an issue they
passionately believe in. Also, fuck Israeli
genocide. Thanks to everyone who voted"
https://tinyawards.net/2025/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* THE GLOBAL WARMING ACCELERATIONIST PROJECT -
build a web app that keeps your CPU at 100%
24/7. "If it's idling, the planet's not dying
(tm)" Actually no, don't do this, just an idle
thought off the back of Matt Round's clicker
thing.
* THE DAIRY SUBSTITUTION PROJECT - ok butter in
coffee, but what about cheese in tea? Or yoghurt
in whiskey?
* THE SHIT NUMBER PLATE PROJECT - Walked past
one of those BOSS number plates earlier and it
was such a mangled attempt at it, it basically
said BBOOOGGGSSS. Like Gollum asking to go to
the toilet. A complete collaborative list of the
worst could be fun.
Go on, tell us about your projects and we'll
tell the world.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Alright - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: BONUS "BENCH" FESSHOLE
"When someone sits next to me at the train
station, bus stop, or park bench, I just stare
straight ahead and say 'it's done. Did you bring
the money?' They usually freeze before
apologising and making an excuse to leave."
