NEWSLETTER: "A SMIDGEN OF PIGEON IS JUST ENOUGH TO GIVE YOUR KIDS A TREAT, FULL OF FEATHERY GOODNESS, AND A BIT OF BEAK"
* BUMPER ISSUE - Cassette Boy, Weebl & Matt Round
* TEXT ADVENTURE GAME - Can you strangle a horse?
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - let's make pop music 'spooky'
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | teaching a mynah bird
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| our favourite URLs"
B3ta electro-newsletter 963 - 3rd Oct 2025
Read this issue to the same poor, confused bird:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue963
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making jokes about pregnancy/covid
tests
An absolute bumper crop of B3tan projects this
week, maybe it's because everyone has Covid and
is locked at home with nothing better to do than
hallucinate great new projects. All hail our
viral overlords.
* HORSE STRANGLING TEXT ADVENTURE - comedian Guy
Kelly writes, "Last week I was compelled by a
terrible drive to Do Something. So I downloaded
Twine - a piece of software I had never used
before - refused to look at the instructions,
and started writing. 8 hours and 7700+ words
later, I had my first ever game: "i will
strangle a horse". It's a choose your own
adventure game where the goal is to strangle a
horse. However! Much like real life, the path to
strangling a horse is hard and fraught with
peril. And many, many ways to die." This is
genuinely entertaining, and also hopefully
inspirational. Download Twine everyone, let's
see what animal murdering threads you can
create.
https://brainmage.itch.io/i-will-strangle-a-horse
* CASSETTE BOY VS KEIR STARMER - pleased to see
the C90 kid posting back on B3ta, complete with
a tune to get stuck in your head, suggesting the
somewhat surprising opinion that the British PM
isn't that great. The official B3ta opinion is
that, because we're all middle-aged centrists
Dad melts these days, we need Paddington Bear
for PM. Or Mr Benn (Tony).
https://b3ta.com/links/Cassetteboy_vs_Keir_Starmer
* WHERE'S BARRY? Oxygenthiefmusic writes, "Matt
Round and I have made an interactive music video
for my song inspired by Moose Allain's thread
about sneaking Where's Wally into other media.
The game is a series of live-action "Where's
Wally" scenes where you have to find me, a
middle(ish)-aged greying haired man, amongst an
increasing number of similar-looking people."
oxygenthiefmusic also tells us that he's a long
time lurker who "got in the newsletter once with
a story about accidentally teaching a class of
French college students the word "cunt" during
my year abroad"
https://wheresbarry.noncanon.co.uk/
* RANDOM NUMBER CLICKER - Will Grant writes, "In
most games you're at the mercy of the random
number generator - why not cut out the
middle-man and just play the RNG direct?" Next
week: how about a clicker where you have to
build a Chinese click farm?
https://wgx.github.io/rng-clicker/
* SAVLONIC : SILENT FACES - Weebl writes, "Made
this with a few chums. Took 9 months and nearly
broke me. Hope you like it." Ok, this newsletter
is officially insane, we have Matt Round, we
have Cassette Boy and now we have the original
B3ta legend Weebl himself. Superb work, and
honestly, this newsletter has peaked, we can't
cram in any more B3ta legends.
https://b3ta.com/links/Savlonic_Silent_Faces
* BUY HAPPYTOAST'S JAWS BOOK - yep the names
keep coming because HappyToast writes, "I made a
book celebrating the 50th Anniversary of Jaws
through the medium of Eric Carle's children's
caterpillar classic."
https://www.lulu.com/shop/happy-toast-and-chris-ol...
Next week we promise to return to our normal
shoddy service and big up people you've never
heard of at all, for doing things like
photographing an egg.
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know, it's the flogging clothes bit
Hebtro are good eggs in that that they support
the b3ta newsletter with hard cash, and also
they sell clothes to people like us: that is
aging, slightly hipster-ish men, or more
accurately in our case, nerdy men who
occasionally fancy themselves a bit hipster when
they're feeling flush. So dig deep, buy some
clothes, either for yourself or as a gift for
any of the difficult men in your life that are
hard to buy presents for.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: ANON OPIN COMES TO FACEBOOK
Tell Zuckerberg to fuck a pig
Given Twitter has gone fash under Elon Musk
there's the question of what to do if you run a
social media project with traction there. Some
people have left Twitter, some people have hung
on in there. Our response is just trying to not
have all our (racist) eggs in one basket and
slowly engineer our projects to work on all
platforms on the basis that as far as we can
tell it's not like people have all gone to one
place, it's a great scattering. Anyway, we've
now got Anon Opin publishing on Facebook, thanks
to the help of Dave 'Bagpuss' Foresy.
Also you may notice we're publishing as images
rather than text, which is a test to see if the
mystery Zuck algorithm shows that to more people
or not.
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php
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: FESSHOLE
Spandau Ballet's favourite social media project
Each week we ask you to fess up some bollocks
anecdote to a Google Form and then we imagine
which ones would Tony Hadley find amusing or
thought provoking. Three that our internal Tony
brainworm found 'Gold!' this week include:
* A ROOKIE MOVE - "When I was 10 I went to a
holiday Chess camp with everyone playing 20
games over 5 days. I lost 19 and drew 1. I got a
trophy as a 'participant'. When I got home I
told my mum I'd won the tournament and she
proudly displayed the trophy. It sat there on
the mantelpiece for years."
* BLISS, AND THE SMELL OF PISS - "Got divorced &
moved in with my 80+ yr old parents. They never
embraced the digital age. No internet, no
mobiles, only a landline. Tried to convince them
to get broadband but they wouldn't listen. Glad
they didn't because 6 months in I love this
disconnected life."
* DAD JOKES - "A boyfriend once told me that the
head of a human penis evolved its shape to drag
other males' semen from vaginas. He told me this
during dinner, when I introduced him to my
parents. My dad still slyly works the phrase 'on
the downstroke' into as many conversations as he
can."
Which Fess publishing platform shall we big up
this week? Let's plump for Mastodon, as it might
be the only left standing once Trump declares
BlueSky an antifa terrorist network. This might
be a joke, or it might not be, come back in a
couple of years to find out.
https://mastodon.social/@fesshole
Come to the gigs. Worthing next, which should be
fun and a nice night out on the southern coast.
Also for sale is Liverpool and Leeds and our try
outs for an Anon Opin gig in London. One day we
might do a B3ta gig, we can see it in our head,
just not got round to writing it yet. Hopefully
we don't all die first.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Yep, if you haven't bought the books, you might
as well; if you bought say 10 of each you could
arrange them on your shelf, alternating red and
yellow, like a fruit salad sweet of fantastic
books.
https://amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Sites in beef, these sights are beefy
* ARE YOU A BLOB COMBO NONCE? A colour matching
game with the adorable feature that the sounds
have all been made with the voice. Someone call
Michael Winslow and get him to score an ASMR
remake of Little Computer People now.
https://walaber-ent.itch.io/jelly-well
* BRIAN ENO'S MUSIC FOR AIRBNBs - a proper
generative music tool, i.e. no AI and a load of
parameters to fiddle with to see what sort of
racket it makes. This one makes ambient pulses
based on your words. I don't think it's possible
to make anything actually good, but fun to dick
around with nevertheless.
https://ambient.almaprojects.studio
* DEAD DOGS DOT GIF - A tribute to the dogs of
GeoCities, who will all be dead as GeoCities
itself now. Listen to their beautiful MIDI and
weep.
https://ontheinterneteverybodyknows.geocities.inst...
* GO GO SPERM RACING - in what sounds like a
joke idea we'd have published twenty years ago,
actual men are racing sperms. Hopefully they're
using saddles and not going bareback.
https://sfstandard.com/2025/09/27/sperm-racing-inv...
* BYE BYE IMGUR, WE ABUSED YOUR BANDWIDTH WELL -
In news we're actually pissed off about, ImgUR
has withdrawn support for the UK, in light of
the UK government's completely botched attempts
at making the internet safe for children. In
practical terms this fucks up a lot of old
images on B3ta, and also degrades the experience
of using Reddit for anyone in the UK. Consider
this government on formal notice by B3ta, they
are actively doing us harm. Shame really, as we
used to quite enjoy seeing Starmer turning up in
the Pineapple in Kentish Town for a pint, we
might give him a dirty look next time.
https://help.imgur.com/hc/en-us/articles/415926652...
* GAME OF THE WEEK - Beautifully made browser
game based on using a messenger service. Matt
Round likes it, if that persuades you to click.
https://messenger.abeto.co/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on older stories
* SGT PEPPER DEATH WATCH - each year Chris
Barker celebrates the annual dead by plonking
their faces into a montage of maudlin. Ten years
strong now, and the plan is a big Christmas
event, possibly booking the O2, where we'll
collectively burn our dead celebs in a huge
wicker man. To hype up the excitement, Chris has
made a playlist of the musical artists we've
lost in the last decade. Hit us pretty hard
actually, we've lost so many. Still, looking
forward to the big BBQ.
https://music.apple.com/gb/playlist/2016-2025/pl.u...
* CHIN UP BLOKE DOES SOMETHING ELSE - Pig Face
Turnip's project rumbles on in his quest to be
the first ever middle-aged man to do a chin up.
Your editor is actually in one of these videos,
but we're not linking to it in the newsletter as
it's personally embarrassing, so you can have
the Porcine Visaged Vegetable doing a comedy bit
instead.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Department_of_Peace
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
MAGA TV
Last week, in the context of Thatcher sacking
Wogan from his talk show for calling her
"vinegar tits" we asked you to reimagine TV that
wouldn't offend everyone's favourite orange
fascist.
* Fair enough, Chris Barker does deserve to win
this challenge with his ten entries in one post.
Lovely timing, Chris clearly has discovered the
'frames' tab on his pirated copy of Corel Draw.
https://b3ta.com/board/11421560
* S4RK has made a tribute to that movie that
kids only know from the meme where some old
bloke looks anxious as a pull zoom happens on
his face.
https://b3ta.com/board/11421532
* 'LP' has made an image that you should all
download to your phone wallpaper so that when
you go through customs in the US, you give them
a reason to take you off into a little room and
give you a little bum treat with a glove.
https://b3ta.com/board/11421631
* See all the other images from the 'MAGA TV'
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/magatv/popular
>> This week: Spooky Pop <<
It's spooky season, but which graveyard smash is
going to get that coveted Halloween number one?
Let's spookify the world of pop music. Suggested
by HappyToast.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/spookypop/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to give you some inspiration
We're writing this newsletter in the passenger
seat of a Mini Cooper on the Eastbound M4, so
let's see how this experience can inspire us to
think up three stupid projects for you to make,
or at least, knock it into your skulls that how
to have an idea is to look out to the window and
dream.
* MOTORWAY TICK TICK PROJECT - reckon there's
some value in a thing where you tick off
visiting every motorway in the UK, and crucially
have a firm opinion on every service station.
This could be a book, or it could be a podcast
where you interview, and suck off, truckers.
* A COMPLETE EXPLORATION OF SONGS INSPIRED BY
SIGNS ON MOTORWAYS - ok, we're just seen one of
those SOS phones, so that's ABBA, pretty sure
'No Hard Shoulder' inspired some Julian Cope
song called 'No Hard Shoulder To Cry On' oh and
there's that one by little Tommy Robinson too,
about how he's glad to be gay, no how much he
likes little white lines.
* NOPE CAN'T SPIN THIS MOTORWAY BOLLOCKS TO
THREE IDEAS - ok, a project called 'Sexual
Ealing' where you mash-up tube signs and pop
songs. Yes we are now off the motorway, and in
Ealing. Lucky us. Lucky Ealing.
Your email, is just the start of it:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
* BONUS IDEA - "South Park is a single 124 hour
film, documenting how America struggled with &
then eventually embraced fascism." Anyone fancy
watching all of it and seeing if we have a
point?
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Careful now - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "ROM COMS IN REALITY" FESSHOLE
"Got on the same train to work as a girl I
fancied daily. Got a new job but left early
every morning just so I could continue to get on
the same train as her. Eventually had the
courage to ask her out, she said no."
