NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER OF RECORD IF YOU'RE UNWASHED AND STILL A BIT HUNG UP ON ZX SPECTRUMS"
* JESUS FUCKING CHRIST - it's a swearing Bible
* NEW IMAGE CHALLENGE - two authors, one book
* CARTOONS - is Gary 'Farside' Larson back?
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by sending thoughts and
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| prayers to dev/null"
B3ta newsletter e-mail 966 - 27th Oct 2025
Read this issue in your head like a podcast:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue966
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pee pees painful
* THE BIBLE, NOT NOW WITH SWEARING. Dave Bagpuss
writes, "Introducing THE FUCKING BIBLE – bible
verses, with added fucks. It is a little project
that I've had running quietly for a while now."
If you'd like an example post: "And lo a voice
from heaven, saying, This is my fucking beloved
Son, in whom I am well pleased. -- Matthew 3:17"
Apologies if reading this makes you go to hell,
we're not responsible for the acts of God.
https://bsky.app/profile/thefuckingbible.bsky.soci...
* JOEL VETICH IS DOING A GIG - the sound of the
mid noughties is back as Joel returns to his
bullshit doing another 7 Seconds Of Love gig at
the New Cross Inn in that London. We'll try and
make it down, as we missed the last one as it
clashed with some family stuff. Looking forward
to hearing the classics: First Twink Of The Day,
Poopy George has got a Poop on his Head and the
one about eating an enormous amount of kelp and
falling asleep on a bus.
https://www.seetickets.com/event/7-seconds-of-love...
* IT'S THE YEAR 2000 IN SOUND, STEREOPHONIC
SOUND - Centuries of Sound dude has stepped
outside the time zone doing his normal mash ups
based in the dim and distant past, and done
something with music we recognise in it from
2000. Including Cassetteboy, Chris Morris and S
Club 7.
https://centuriesofsound.com/2025/10/20/2000-part-...
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know the clothes bit
Each week we beg you to buy some Hebtro clothes,
to dress yourselves smartly, and what do you do?
Actually B3ta has no idea as we just write some
copy and have no access to Hebtro's sales
figures but hopefully some of you do. It's all
made in the UK, to the highest standards and
dressing in their togs will make you look as
cool as fuck, or as least cooler than dressing
at George from ASDA, like your B3ta editor.
https://hebtro.co/new/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Confessions of a Windows 3.1 cccleaner
Each week you spew up some funny lies mixed in
with some less funny truths and we post out a
few for likes on this new fangled social media
thing (it'll never catch on, forums will rise
again). Here's three that make us briefly feel
less dead inside:
* UNDER PRESSURE - "I have the most pointless
job on earth where it contributes nothing to
society. I write best practice docs that no-one
reads, but we must have them in case we get
audited. I wrote a best practice seven yrs ago
that contained lyrics from Ice Ice Baby & still
no-one has noticed."
* SHIT OFF, TIM FROM WHETHERSPOONS - "I'm a
landlord of a pub. Have spun a story that a
major literary figure used to drink at my inn
back in the 1700s. Completely untrue, but
tourists love to visit the pub and sit in his
'seat'. All bollocks, but it's great for
business."
* WORK / LIFE BALANCE - "My mum hates my boss
because it's been years since I've been able to
turn up for a family holiday without getting at
least one work call that requires me to step out
for a couple hours to sort something. She still
hasn't figured out it's actually my mate Steve
helping me out."
http://facebook.com/fesshole
Oh come to the shows. Liverpool and Leeds for
sale plus Anon Opin in the Londons.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
There's still a week to buy the yellow book for
99p on Kindle, and we've just bought 10 of the
red book on Ebay for about £30 to top up our
supply so we can start giving away a few at the
live shows again as we'd run out of our
publisher copies.
https://amazon.co.uk/s
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
"Urls! Urls! Urls!" by Motley Crue dot org
* CAN YOU DRIBBLE A PINT OF BLACK LIQUID?
Practise pouring a pint of the black stuff using
your phone's motion detection. Should have made
it so you get to make a White Russian if you
turn dark mode off - measure your cocktail
shaking ability instead.
https://simondarcyonline.com/perfect-pint/
* BORED OF THE RING BINDERS - A load of
illustrators have got together to make a very
long flipbook celebrating Peter Jackson's first
ever boring film, The Lord Of The Rings. Still
time to get involved if you're a doodler looking
for a project.
https://lotr.andymation.com/
* WORD FOR WINDOWS - W****e of the week is this
game whose simplicity means you can also play it
in your head when trying to turn off THE
THOUGHTS when lying in bed. Make the longest
word chain by using the last two letters of the
previous word to start the new one. Harder than
you'd think.
https://wordchainer.com/
* IS 'THE FAR SIDE' BACK? Pleased to see Gary
Larson is drawing again, he doesn't promise he's
going to do much of it, and probably people
getting too excited might put him off. But it's
the iPad, the iPad that's made him enjoy drawing
again. All we need now is for someone to buy
Bill Watterson an Amstrad CPC464 with a copy of
GPaint.
https://www.thefarside.com/new-stuff/
* GAY SEX PLAY SET FOR KIDS, NO IT'S A JOKE,
C'MON - In films we're secretly fond of,
Cruising (1980) is a must if you like films that
are somewhat problematic, if fascinating, so we
were delighted to learn someone had made a
sketch riffing on the idea of a tie-in game for
kids.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* BUY OLD KRAFTWERK GEAR - Florian Schneider
stuff is up for auction. Fred Zeppelin writes,
"As odd, gorgeous, quirky and expensive as you'd
expect." If only we were rich and had a big
house for all this stuff.
https://www.juliensauctions.com/en/auctions/the-fl...
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
More Educational Posters for Hospitals
Ok, last week you mostly grumbled that the
challenge was shit, so lets shift through them
and pick out some good ones, and stop moaning,
Monkeon worries his hair out trying to run these
challenges and he needs you to be nice to him.
* 'A J Green' has given the Scots another reason
to regret the union act of 1707
https://b3ta.com/board/11422145
* 'NINJ' has made an image that'll probably get
us booted off BlueSky
https://b3ta.com/board/11422121
* 'BRB' has stuck the boot in complaining about
the challenge, and fair enough, it's true, we
could have picked a better one and that's on
your editor who suggested it.
https://b3ta.com/board/11422189
* See all the other images from the 'More
Educational Posters for Hospitals' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moreeducationalpostersfo...
>> This week: Two Authors One Book <<
Let's halve the size of our bookshelves by
combining any two books into one. 1984 : A Space
Odyssey by George Orwell and Arthur C. Clarke -
that sort of thing.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/twoauthorsonebook/popula...
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on old stories
* YOUR EDITOR GETS FREE TEABAGS - 2,500 teabags
turned up at the official B3ta residence, thanks
to Yorkshire Tea, and also basically thanks to
the social media being run by an old reader of
this very newsletter. Thanks Tom, twenty-four
years of newsletter has finally paid off. BTW:
if you, dear reader, want to send us free stuff,
honestly we're up for it.
https://www.facebook.com/fesshole/posts/pfbid02wrQ...
* HOW DID CRISP SANDWICH DAY GO - This wooshed
by this weekend and it's a handy reminder to eat
some crisps, and also maybe inspire you to
create your own themed day. We've occasionally
pondered about making up a national swearing day
but can't really be fucked, however, instead you
can see that yes, very many people did join in.
https://vole.wtf/crisp-sandwich-day/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT'S HAPPENING NEXT
Previews of coming stuff from B3tans
* BACK TO THE EGG(POD) - Chris Shaw is working
on a follow-up podcast to his Beatles 'I Am The
Eggpod' one and he says "If I am the EggPod was
my Pet Sounds, this new one will be my Smile. By
which I mean I'll endure a massive nervous
breakdown and won't release it for another 37
years. Or, preferably, it'll be out early next
year."
https://bsky.app/profile/eggpod.bsky.social/post/3...
* HYPING THE TYPE-IN - Matt Round is *still*
working on his "type-ins magazine" and in
showing us a little bit of leg, he's revealed a
crop of the cover. Although we're still sore he
rejected our title for the mag "View Source".
https://bsky.app/profile/mattround.com/post/3m3x5n...
* THE DEATH BOOK IS COMING - Chris Barker is
bringing out a "Sgt Pepper 10 years
commemorative book" and has made, to get you
excited, a video previewing it and the option to
get notified for the kick starter. The hype
train cometh. Choo choo!
https://bsky.app/profile/christhebarker.bsky.socia...
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you making shit
* CONSERVATIVE PARTY TAKEOVER - "Given the age
of what little membership the Tory Party has
left, I think it is ripe for takeover by Dadaist
entryists as a prank." Credit to John Higgs of
KLF book fame for this, as he suggested it, and
if it happens, it's all his fault.
* OBI-WAN KIWIBI - "Recreate the Ewok scenes
from Return of the Jedi using Kiwi fruit"
suggests Happy Toast.
* CROWD-SOURCED SOLUTIONS FOR A PROBLEM CALLED
'PRINCE ANDREW' - cutting off the public purse
means he's susceptible from offers from say Elon
Musk to be some sort of court jester to
embarrass UK, but not cutting him off means the
public is constantly furious. What can be done?
Listen you fucks, create, because the opposite
of creation is death. Hmm, that sounds a bit
grumpy. Create because it's fun. Then tell us
about it, tell us all your crazy dreams.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Swastika Jockstrap - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: BONUS "B3TA BUSINESS MODEL EXPOSED" FESSHOLE
"Window cleaner comes to collect £5 every 2
weeks, usually on friday when I'm off work.
Recently I noticed the windows were filthy. Said
I will complain to him. My wife said we don't
have a window cleaner. Turns out I've been
getting conned by a local addict known as Karl
the crackhead."
