NEWSLETTER: "READ WHILST DRESSED AS FLASH KILLER STEVE JOBS FOR HALLOWEEN"
* FESSHOLE - we're doing gigs in Sweden (!)
* CELEBRATE AI BEING SHIT - terrible AI clocks
* NEW CHALLENGE - Let's make anagrams of signs
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | sending smelly bottletops
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| to Tim Berners Lee"
B3ta newsletter e-mail 967 - 1st Nov 2025
Sing-talk this issue over the Rentaghost theme:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue967
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sinister toe jam, as usual
* HER ROYAL MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH'S SWEARING
MA'ARMALDE - Your editor has been making
marmalade, and not the type that gentlemen make
when looking at pictures of naughty ladies. He
writes, "I was musing on butter going with all
foods, and my mind wandered somewhat." Cooking
content, that's why you all signed up to B3ta
for, all those years ago, yeah?
https://robmanuelfuckyeah.substack.com/p/if-life-g...
* CAN YOU DATE THESE FACTS, QUIZ? Coffeefirst
writes, "I started playing daily games during
the Wordle craze. I got hooked quickly and still
look forward to a new game even today, whether
it's Wordle or another one--there's so many
daily games out there... Since then I've tried
several times to make a game but honestly they
all sucked." Ha, we've checked these games, and
like the yearly guesser the best.
https://coffeefirst.games/yearly-daily
* IT'S TIME TO PLEDGE ON A BOOK, GENTS - Chris
Barker has made a website to promo his new Sgt
Pepper death book, celebrating ten years of
people dying and him putting them in a death
montage. You can now pledge your money so you
can buy a copy when it comes out. He writes, "I
posted my first SgtPepper on B3ta and 8 minutes
later Captain Howdy pointed out Lemmy died in
2015. Ten years on, people are still pointing
this out to me. Please help fund my book and
make the madness end."
https://chrisbarkerprints.co.uk/sgtpepper/
* SPEAKING OF BOOKS - official fav author of the
newsletter readers, John Higgs has sent the B3ta
office his latest book, Lynchian, on David
Lynch. It's dreadfully good and has pushed us
onto a season of watching David Lynch films, as
we did buy a DVD box set when he died, and this
is the shove we needed. You can order it now and
it's out in a week or two, oh how we love
getting things early like we're in the know.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/139963731...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes, if like like
Each week we ask you to buy some clothes to
cover up your shame, and suggest that an ideal
place is Hebtro as they make clothes that last,
all made in the UK and to the highest standards.
They're ideal as presents for difficult men and
even yourself. You'll look like a beardy sex
hipster in no time and you'll probably get asked
to open your own web agency.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up once again, please stop
So yeah, seven years ago we opened a Google form
and since then no one has stopped flinging shit
into it. Our favs this week include:
* SITCOM EPISODE B-PLOT POTENTIAL - "My daughter
has fallen out with her best friend and my wife
had an argument with the girl's mum over it. I'd
become good mates with the friend's dad and
we're secretly trying to stay mates. Full Romeo
and Juliet at the school gates with secret nods
and hushed conversations."
* THERE'S NO ONE QUITE LIKE GRANDAD - "My
grandad built a den down the bottom of the
garden so 'the great-grandkids had somewhere to
smoke.' It was 2013, his eldest great grandkid
was 6. He sadly passed before he got the chance
to see it happen, but I'm in admiration of his
ill-judged effort. I miss him."
* JUST CALL HER BONO - "I'm English. Been with
my Irish girlfriend for a few months now. Her
name is Saoirse. I call her cutesy nicknames,
like Princess, or Anam Cara (Irish for
'soulmate'). Because I'm still not 100% sure
exactly how Saoirse is pronounced."
Follow the account that has 52,000 followers on
Facebook, which we're weirdly proud of, as it's
sorta fun to have an account that's actually
growing on Facebook of all things, a good 15
years after anyone gave a shit about such
platforms.
https://www.facebook.com/fesshole
Come to the shows. Liverpool, Leeds, Leicester
and Sweden. Also Anon Opin in London and
Leicester. Yes, Sweden. We're doing three dates
in Sweden. How the fuck that is happening is
bizarre. But there we are, and we're delighted
about it.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And of course buy the books, the two books, buy
both of them. Maybe there will be a third one
day if we pull our finger out, but our finger
remains firmly in.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Tomorrow's archive.org grabs, today
* CAN AI, PLEASE CLOCK OFF? - We love novelty
web clocks but hate AI. However, as these AI
generated HTML clocks are all buggy as fuck,
this kind-of works as an anti-AI statement.
Perhaps the clocks should count down to the time
the money will run out if they can't fix all
their flaws.
https://clocks.brianmoore.com
* 2D GRAND PRIX RACER PRO 2000 - W*r*l* of the
week is an old school top-down racing game with
a new mini track each day. If we're going arcade
on our daily games, then a one-level-a-day Manic
Miner, please.
https://www.hotlapdaily.com
* WHAT DOES MUSIC SOUND LIKE TO ALIENS? - Find
out where the radio waves have got to in space.
Will the aliens have heard DLT's resignation
speech yet and did they find it funny like us,
or are they now on their way to dish out
retribution on Matthew Banister for his 1993
Radio 1 shake-up?
https://www.lightyear.fm
* ARE YOU READY FOR AN EGGVENTURE? In this
exciting mini-game you play Simon Le Bon in his
pre-Duran egg form, looking to escape his shell
and find his brum chums. This is planet Oueuf.
https://terrycavanagh.itch.io/egg
* DO YOU LIKE READING ABOUT OLD TELLY? Just a
big up for the old TV and comedy blog 'Dirty
Feed'. It's been a long time since we've found a
blog we want to read from start to finish like a
book, but this is one. Set aside your weekend
and dig in, and read a whole fucking blog, like
it's 2005 again, and your pubes aren't grey.
https://www.dirtyfeed.org/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Two Authors One Book
Here's the best images from last week:
* Thanks to 'Claptonista' for an image that made
us exclaim "Stig of the hump!"
https://b3ta.com/board/11422287
* 'Pizopop' made us think that this one should
exist and would sell a few copies
https://b3ta.com/board/11422259
* 'LP' brought us a mash-up that made us hungry
https://b3ta.com/board/11422254
* See all the other images from the 'Two Authors
One Book' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/twoauthorsonebook/popula...
>> This week: Sign Anagrams <<
In tribute to Prunella Scales, let's do the
Fawlty Towers sign gag and re-arrange the
letters on whatever signage you want. Fawlty
Towers rules apply, so you don't have to use all
the letters. Suggested by hagbardsapple.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/signanagrams/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on old stories
* VAG TALK - Amused to see the legendary "Vagina
Museum" back up a Fesshole story vs the "didn't
happen" wankers.
https://bsky.app/profile/vaginamuseum.bsky.social/...
* A LOT OF CRISPS - Remember last week we
mentioned this very newsletter had been sent
free teabags by an old B3tan who now is the
social media manager at Yorkshire Tea, well we
also have a social media manager in the B3tan
ranks who works at Seabrook crisps. We've now
got 96 bags of crisps. Thanks Seabrook, this
will improve our middle-aged waistline.
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:hpjse36yorgmic7iv...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* INVENT NEW CARD GAMES - We invented a game in
the pub. Charcardes, Charades with playing
cards. You have to mime the card you pick up.
But with no mime repeats. So yeah fine you can
hold up three fingers once, for three, but no
one can again. Gets tough/funny a few cards in
when you're looking for the 7th way to signal
Clubs.
* BLUESKY VIBES CHECK - we've got a theory that
you can work out how "bad vibes" an account is
on BlueSky by comparing the amount of people who
block an account to the amount of people who
follow it. So say an account with 100 followers
and 5 blocks, is 5% bad vibes, and probably ok,
whereas someone with 100 followers and 30 blocks
is 30% bad vibes and probably a bad egg.
* GROKBLOCK - a browser plug-in that replaces
any link to Elon's terrible AI assault on
Wikipedia, with a link to the real Wikipedia,
plus throws in some insulting animations of Elon
Puss just to annoy him.
Send us some stuff, and we'll take a look at it.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
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H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
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Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
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Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
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Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
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Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
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Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
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Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
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Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
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Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Crisps - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Remember you TOO can contribute to the Patreon,
it means your editor can write this damn thing
nearly every Friday for 24 years.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
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: BONUS "BUY A CASIO F-91W, INSTEAD" FESSHOLE
"My new Apple Watch lighting up to say 'it looks
like you're working out' when I'm in the middle
of a particularly challenging poo, marks a new
low in my life."
