NEWSLETTER: "HOW DOES BATMAN'S MUM CALL HIM FOR DINNER? SHE DOESN'T BECAUSE SHE WAS BRUTALLY MURDERED IN FRONT OF HER SON"
* GAME - how fast can you draw a 'cool s'?
* NORTH/SOUTH - where exactly does it divide?
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Sport in unexpected places
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | singing crap URLs over
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Beatles Anthology 4"
B3ta newsletter-o-tron 970 - 28th Nov 2025
Read this issue in a problematic tone of voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue970
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their bumholes itch
* CAN YOU DRAW A 'COOL S'? - Matt Round writes,
"I don't remember the Cool S being a Thing at
school, maybe I'm too old? Anyway, here's a
surprisingly tricky game about drawing one." We
reckon you need to be about 45 or under to have
experienced this at school, rather than as a web
meme going "do you remember this?"
https://vole.wtf/cool-s/
* THE NORTH SOUTH DIVIDE - Where is the
North/South/Midlands? Zuowan asks, "You can help
find out by filling in this form and sharing
with a load of people. Reckon if I get a
thousand or so responses I can make a pretty
good map. Currently at 43." You might as well
fill this in, if only to prove our theory that
the North starts just North of East Finchley.
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdF2gV2Oy...
* THE WORLD'S FIRST EGGCUP SHOP - Our cyber chum
'Pig Faced Turnip', who's recently been in these
newsletters for his 'one push-up challenge' has
opened a shop exclusively selling only egg cups.
We've ordered one, a Donald Trump one, so we can
pretend to eat his brains, not that he has any,
ARE WE RIGHT LADIES?
https://b3ta.com/links/I_opened_Londons_First_Egg_...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes
Hebtro make clothes in the UK and they also
sponsor b3ta so we like them. You can use them
to buy presents for yourself or for the men in
your life you struggle to buy for, as what the
hell do you buy grown men? They've already got
stuff, however they always need more sturdy
clothes. Everything is designed to last and
looks fancy too. Dig in.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
It's the fesses bit for you fessy bastards
Each week you spew bollocks into a form and we
share a few out on Facebook, Instagram, BlueSky,
Threads, Mastodon and a sixth one run by the
outreach program of Stormfront.
* EVERYONE IS HAPPY? - "My husband has a massive
cuckolding fetish. I indulge it by taking my
sister away for a spa weekend then going home
and telling him all about the guy I'm supposed
to be having an affair with."
* BILINGUAL - "My wife is French and when she'd
not lived in the UK long she angrily said 'no'
to a cashier who asked if she wanted to give
extra to the NSPCC. She thought they meant NCP
car parks. She still feels guilty and I still
tease her about her hatred of starving kids."
* PARENTING SKILLS - "Wife was working away so I
was left to get my son to school. When I picked
him up he looked HYPED. Said to me his lunch was
the best ever. Realised I'd accidentally gave
him his old lunchbox, & that's the one where I
stash my Yorkies, Chocolate Hobnobs & Haribo."
Follow the account which on Instagram crept up
to 86k recently after being stuck on 72k for
ages. If there's a lesson in this, it's just
keep fucking publishing and eventually maybe
people will give in?
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Come to the shows. Last week's Anon Opin ones
were stupidly fun. You missed out. Well maybe
you didn't but statistically you did.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And of course buy the two books and yah boo
sucks to the dude complaining to your editor
that he's wasting his time making soup instead
of making a third book. Soup is great. And
here's our recipe for tomato soup: cut up a bag
of tomatoes, and gently heat. A chopped onion in
another pan. Mix when both are soft. Blend. Add
marmite or umami, a bit of lime for sharpness,
salt to taste and either some sugar or ketchup
to sweeten. It'll be the best tomato soup you've
ever had.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
It's websites, on the internet, dot org dot com
* NONCE MAIL - If you fancy leafing through all
Jeffrey Epstein's emails in a pseudo Gmail
interface then you're in luck. There's a search
box and we can exclusively reveal that he never
mentioned B3ta - probably preferred NTK. If
someone like Monkeon is bored, maybe they could
bash up a HOTMAIL interface for Sir Clive's
leaked faxes?
https://jmail.world/
* 101 THINGS LEARNED FROM POP MUSIC - This guy
has listened to all the number one singles and
has opinions. Sadly he's US centric, so they're
not good No 1 singles like the Flying Pickets
and the Timelords. Still, pretty interesting,
and maybe will inspire someone in the UK to do
something similar.
https://www.cantgetmuchhigher.com/p/101-things-i-l...
* WORLD WIDE WEBBER - Jim of Jim'll Paint It
fame has made a tribute to Andrew Lloyd Webber
in the style of old Geocities websites. You'll
be amused.
https://andrewlloydwebsite.neocities.org/
* GUESS THE LP - A musical W****e of the week.
Guess the album from the matching credits of
your previous guesses. Can be a bit too
American, which means Wow by Bananarama is a bad
starter choice, but we're sticking with it.
https://albumguessr.com
* WHAT BANDS CAN YOU SEE? - Discover new bands
that you can go and see live this week by
entering your location and picking a date. Then
don't go, because it's cold and far too much
effort to arrange things for next month, never
mind two day's time.
https://whirligig.live
* STICKERS ON LAPTOPS ARE UNCOOL, REMEMBER THEM?
- An old-school image collection, consisting of
the stickers on the back of nerdy laptops. Only
shows the back, though, so you won't see what's
stuck over the camera to prevent Bill Gates /
Tim Cook (delete as applicable) watching them
masturbate.
https://stickertop.art/main/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Replacement Fruit and Veg
Here's the best images from last week:
* Enjoyed this broccoli piss from 'atomic'
https://b3ta.com/board/11422933
* 'AJRed' gave us a reason as to why our least
favourite social network is Threads
https://b3ta.com/board/11422897
* 'Ninj' gave us an image that we couldn't front
page as the wetter social networks have a thing
about blood.
https://b3ta.com/board/11422806
* See all the other images from the 'Replacement
Fruit and Veg' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/replacementfruitandveg/p...
>> This week: Sport in Unexpected Places <<
Sport is unavoidable at the best of times, but
let's make it even more inescapable by popping
sport and sports stars into places they
shouldn't be. Suggested by Scaryduck.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/sportinunexpectedplaces/...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follows up and bitty-bits
* WORLD WIDE WHEATLEY - Our old B3tan chum Ben
Wheatley, has curated a huge YouTube playlist of
all BBC Arena documentaries he can find. That's
your TV sorted for the next 100 nights, and also
a fantastic podcast idea should Ben decide not
to bother making massively popular films any
more and pivot back to web content "watching old
episodes of Arena with Ben Wheatley" would be
the perfect thing to wind down to of an evening.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist
* MORE HORSE, OF COURSE - Brain Mage sent in his
"I Will Strangle A Horse" game into this very
newsletter and we've learned that it now
contains "a significant update" and we'll not
spoil the surprise.
https://brainmage.itch.io/i-will-strangle-a-horse
* B3TAN MODEL RAILWAY BLOKE GETS TV SHOW -
Excited to learn that one-time B3tan
Bilbobarneybobs is going to become a much loved
TV celebrity, he writes, "Just goes to show it's
never too late to change career paths...
lockdown boredom turns to model making business
and now I'm on the telly!"
https://bsky.app/profile/lnrmodels.bsky.social/pos...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Ideas to put you on the idea train. Choo choo!
* CAN YOU DRAW A TRILLION? A web interactive
that shows you a single pixel and then asks you
to draw a box that's a trillion pixels big, then
shows you how fucking wrong you are and calls
Elon Musk a cunt.
* NIGEL FARAGE'S FLIGHT SIMULATOR - an exciting
computer game where if you crash really badly,
we end up on a better timeline for humanity.
* FESSHOLE MANAGEMENT SIM - you play Rob Manuel,
trying to keep his project going, how much time
should he put into moderation? How much time
into calling everyone Contribution Cunts? Should
he accept the TV offer that sucks off his time
with no payment in sight?
* CHRIS BARKER'S BOOKS HAS FUNDED - so therefore
it's happening, but he'd also like you to keep
funding it because the first funding round
basically covered costs and any additional
funding means he can buy his poor starving
children Christmas presents or something.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/sgtpx10/a-dec...
Submit to the form. SUBMIT TO THE FORM.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
OK, BONUS IDEA: Realistic Mario Plumbing Game
where he turns up late, patronises you for not
caring how toilets work, does a horrible sexist
joke about "where's your old boiler" and then
charges you £2k.
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT* *GUB~GUB*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Quince time - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic. OK, newer thanks to
Robert van Dijk, Richie Hindle, Ian Walker &
Paul Martyn.
Remember you TOO can contribute to the Patreon,
it means your editor can write this damn thing
nearly every Friday for 24 years.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "ENJOY IT, THEY THINK YOU'RE OK" FESSHOLE
"53 & the only bloke in an office with five
women aged between 23 & 30. They're all overly
nice to me, make me brews & give hugs. Thought I
still 'had it' until one of them said they all
see me as their 'work dad'. I've never been
brought down to earth harder in my life."
