NEWSLETTER: "B3TA NEWSLETTER HAS 'FULL CONFIDENCE' IN MONOSPACED FONTS"
* WORD GAME - yeah yeah, but quite fun
* SPY ON LONDON - well the traffic anyway
* BISCUIT TECHNOLOGY - the science of dunk
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | printing out good bits &
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|sticking them in a folder"
B3ta newsletter ASCII sex party #978, 6 Feb 2026
Read this issue to your Linux loving mum:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue978
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: INTRODUCING "DICKERS" - PENIS STICKERS
Sponsored post, yes really, we sold one
Will Dickers writes, "Long time reader and fan
here. My colleague and I have just built this.
It's for making stickers of dicks, from 1 cm up
to 5 meters long - you design it and we print it
and send it. We mostly work on serious B2B stuff
in compliance so we can't name our studio. I've
created a 50% off code you could share -
B3TAWILLY - to get 50% off." So come on B3tans,
buy some dick stickers and stick them in places
you shouldn't.
https://dickers.net
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #1
Other than making their pets nervous, again
* A WORD GAME WITH THREE LETTERS - Andrew Viner
writes, "It's been a while since Venn That Tune,
but I've made something else. It's a word game
called Three Letters Game, where each round you
get three letters and have to make a word that
starts with the first letter, and contains the
second letter before the third." OK there's a
billion word games out there but this one is
perfectly cromulent.
https://threelettersgame.com
* CAMJAM - LONDON TRAFFIC SPY - code
revolutionary Jonty Wareing writes, "I made this
during lockdown when I was curious about what
was going on in other bits of London. Apparently
Capital FM had it on in their studio for years
afterwards, but in 2024 TFL got hacked and took
down public access to their traffic cameras. I
assumed that was the end of 'Camjam', but this
week they quietly came back online." Yay, we
just had a look and there's loads of traffic and
it's raining. It must be London.
https://jonty.co.uk/camjam
* INTRODUCING "WMFBOT" - Your editor has made
his least popular bot yet, that posts random
Windows Meta Files, that's crap Word clipart
from 20+ years ago. "This is not ratings gold"
admits your editor, "But I find it quietly
amusing, seeing the rubbish pics, the odd nicely
drawn one, and the occasional, what-the-fuck
one." Follow now and join the tens of people
into this shit.
https://bsky.app/profile/wmfbot.bsky.social
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Let's buy some clothes, that's the idea ok?
Each week we beg you to cover your naked shame,
as we hate to think of our readers enjoying our
fine internet URLS, whilst nude down to their
very skin. So clothe up, using Hebtro, where the
clothes are designed to cover up nudity.
Designed in the UK, to exacting standards so
it's quality that lasts. Ideal for presents too.
If you know awkward men, and if you read B3ta,
you know awkward men.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions in Confessions Weekly Magazine
Every day you type bollocks fesses and we read
it all, and post out the bits that are OK to
publish on about six different social networks,
so no one can accuse us of favouritism.
Some fun-ish ones this week include:
* RELATABLE - "Wife was happy when our 36 y/o
son moved out. When we visited him, he had
turned his dining room into a Warhammer battle
room, & the spare bedroom a retro-gaming room.
Wife was furious, saying his house is like a
nerdy teen's bedroom. Secretly I'm jealous, he
is living my fantasy."
* ALSO RELATABLE - "I feel as though me, the
Beckhams and my fam, move in different circles,
if they think Brooklyn's mum dancing weird
ruined the wedding. I've been to a wedding where
the bride's mother got her tits out and punched
the cake."
* REVENGE OF THE OPPRESSED - "I am from a
country formerly colonised by the British, one
famous for tea. I have found that the best way
to annoy British people is to casually drop a
teabag in a mug of cold water and stick it in
the microwave. I don't even like tea. I do it
just for the trolling entertainment."
Follow the account that only has followers
because the rest of the internet is so shit,
that Fesshole is premium content.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social
COME AND SEE THE LIVE SHOWS - Fesshole Live will
come to Leicester on the 14th February 2026,
followed by Leeds on 4th March, Luton on 12th
March, and Glasgow on 16th March, before heading
to Sweden for dates in Malm on 23 April,
Goteborg on 24 April, and Stockholm on 25 April.
Anon Opin Live will also appear in Leicester on
12 and 13 February 2026, with a further date in
Glasgow on 17th March. AND JUST ANNOUNCED!
CAMBRIDGE!
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books, buy both the red and yellow ones,
and then stack them in a tribute to Rhubarb and
Custard sweets from the 1970s.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #2
Oh fuck, more stuff, why must you do this to us?
* BISCUIT TECHNOLOGY - Ellis Munro writes, "I
built a Ministry of Structural Integrity for
Biscuits. A physics-based timer to log Hobnobs
falling in your tea. Includes a Quartermaster
store for official equipment. It is entirely
unnecessary." Next week, the superfluous science
of dipping sausages in coffee, please.
http://dunkingdecree.com/
* THE KNITWIT SHOW - Si Bennett writes, "Three
knitted idiots trying to survive in the real
world, it's taken me a while to make this,
thanks for watching." Thank fuck this isn't AI,
which we feared from the still preview, and is
actually quite nice.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Knitwit_Show
* THE GUY WHO DOES THE ANIMATED POSTCARD STUFF
IS BACK - "I made this postcard move"
DrivelSieve tells us in a blood-curdling scream,
"This is one of those fun internet videos." It's
a bold claim, and this time it's true.
https://b3ta.com/links/I_made_this_postcard_move
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Remember before apps & AI there were websites?
* DOOM ON AN OSCILLOSCOPE - vector graphics have
never looked cooler than this retro First Person
Shooter, played on the type of equipment that
would give Kraftwerk's roadies a hernia.
https://front-end.social/@html5test/11596722756335...
* SOME FUCKER HAS MADE AN ASCII SHOOTER - no
desire to play this, as who cares about ancient
shooter style games? But it looks gorgeous. Art
made with limitations is art that's interesting.
https://store.steampowered.com/app/4327720/Battle_...
* LEGO TYPEWRITER - in a feat of absurd
engineering, this genius has built a working
Lego typewriter that can actually type letters.
Throw away your Amstrad PCWs, Lord Sugar, this
is the pig's tits.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* HINT LINE 1993 - Experience all the fun of
working for a 1993 computer game helpline. You
can scroll down to play it online, though the
best stuff is in the real world details from
when it was a museum installation. The cast seem
a bit old to be 1993 gamers, though. Pretty sure
they were still mostly for kids and stroppy
teens at that point.
https://yarnspinner.dev/blog/hint-line-93/
* ONE-ARMED GARFIELD - Create your own Garfield
comic using the fruit machine format by holding
the frames that work and spinning the others
until you get something other than nonsensical
gibberish. Sometimes a real joke even appears.
William S. Burroughs would be proud.
https://www.bgreco.net/garfield/
* SHIT SOUND FX - Presumably the main intention
is to make sound effects for your retro games,
but it's actually rather fun using this tool as
a retro explosion soundboard instead. Bzooom!
Drrring! Shweeee!
https://castpixel.itch.io/animevox
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Public Domain Week
Popeye and Steamboat Willy era Mickey have made
the jump to horror movies, but what else can we
do with beloved characters and artworks that
have fallen into the merciless hands of Joe
Public? Let's Photoshop stuff that's in the
public domain. Suggested by Captain Howdy.
Our official winners this week include:
* 'Ninj' who gives this perfect silent era gag
https://b3ta.com/board/11425174
* 'Octo' who is taking the Mickey
https://b3ta.com/board/11425152
* And 'HappyToast' gives us spoilers
https://b3ta.com/board/11425147
See them all over on B3ta dot bollocks:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/publicdomainweek/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
This week, a reader's question
Fred writes, "Hello, I remember a while back,
the newsletter had a thing by a b3tan, who I
think was dying and released their musical
legacy to be used for free. It was all nicely
sorted by genre and likely use of things it
could make a good soundtrack for. Can you help?"
Lol. They weren't dying, they're fine. Anyway
you mean Andre Louis who told us at the time,
"I'm a visually impaired musician from the UK
and have been reading the newsletter for a few
years. For about the last 11 years I've slowly
been working on a collection of free-to-use
music for whatever kind of project you have."
https://onj.me/shorts
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
Your opinions, opinionated, for opin anons
The unpopular sister account to Fesshole, is the
badly named Anon Opin, it's sorta fun, if you
see it as a prompt to write stupid replies. If
you take it seriously, it's fucking terrible.
Good ones this week include:
* CAR TROUBLE - "It would be a good thing if 50%
of the UK's privately owned vehicles just
vanished into thin air overnight." Best reply?
"Front or back?" (thx Ricardo Autobahn)
* DODGY DOGGY PEDANTRY - "The gang in Scooby Doo
simply would not have time for that volume of
trips and adventures given how time consuming
all their various depositions and court dates
would be for ongoing criminal cases they were
key witnesses for." Best reply? "You know they
had a talking dog right?" writes Queen Liz.
"Fair point, he could handle some of the
depositions too." replies Viva.
* KEIR DRAMA - "I often wonder if those
criticising the current Prime Minister remember
any of the previous five." Our fav reply? "Easy
- from memory: National Service Maths Nerd, She
Who Fucked My Mortgage, The Hairy Potato Who
Lied, Mouldy Jam & Pig Fucker" - from your
newsletter editor, who is picking himself
because he can.
Follow the account that only has followers
because Swearclock haters need something to
hate-follow more:
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
Come to the Anon Opin shows. Oh fuck, we're
actually doing this, this next week, in
Leicester. Glasgow soon.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* SUPER LONDON CABBIE SIMULATOR - mash-up map
data and a shit driving engine, but put the the
player in the backseat, listening to Heart FM
and the cabbie interjecting occasionally to tell
you London has gone to the dogs, since dogs were
allowed to vote, or whatever the insane
right-wing talking points they have these days,
since Elon Musk broke the internet.
* WHAT'S YOUR 'POLITICAL BIRTH SIGN'? - This
newsletter was born in 1973, so that's Edward
Heath with Thatcher rising. Christ on a fucking
bike, the shame.
* MARBLE MADNESS - ok, time for a filler idea,
where we take the name of a classic arcade game,
and imagine it as something else: you play the
UK, refusing to give back the Elgin Marbles to
Greece, your opponent plays Greece,
destabilising the entire Western democracy with
your plants, Trump and Putin, so in the chaos
you can reclaim your lost marbles.
Send us a photocopy of your best web projects,
via our internet fax machine:
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR
PHIL DONNELLY* *STOOBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK*
*24-7 DEATH* *DAVID GREEN* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, CARL DENCH, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE
STRINGER, MICHAEL KITT, AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and
NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
BevS, Tom Dolan, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Tom Wright, Matthew Wilkes, Kev
Adams, Rich, DoHa, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Chris Evans, d@m0, Dave
Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek Law,
Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich, Greg
Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton, Ivan
Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan,
Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda,
pookong, Ricardo Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard
Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk,
Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall,
Stuart Ashen, the wub, Tim Jokl, Tom Ryan, Wil
Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Craig
Turner, fourstar71, Jonty Wareing, Stevey
Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben Ward, Andy Tillett,
Stafford Lawrence, Simon Balch, omnipiss, Claire
Turner, James Heaver, Phil Lovell, Jon Morris
Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Phillip Spowart, Roy
Santos, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran, John Daly,
nevillebartos, Geoff Tidey, Ian Walker, Leighton
Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian Parrott, Phil
Bennett, Matt, Benjamin Blundell, Katie
Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Peter Henningsen,
Simon Howard, Kier Fox, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond,
lucas seven, mattcox303, Robert van Dijk, Gerry
Spencer, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, Richie Hindle,
John Davies, Patrick Hudson, Harry Simpson, Paul
Pod, Tom Loosemore, DrumGui76, Mark Arnold, and
collin.
Also thanks to the 78 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, AD, AS, AR,
CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MC, MB, AC,
CK, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BG, BS, CC, CZ, DH, DP,
DE, EN, GS, GF, IO, JE, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM,
MB, MF, NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RT, RA, RM, RS, SC,
SR, SW, TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE,
and BB. You are all lovely people.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors:
collin, Mark Arnold, DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson,
John Davies, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry
Spencer, Harry Simpson, and Paul Martyn.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort. Getting in some pennies
makes such a difference, and it means his entire
life isn't insane, he gets paid to do this.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (NP Rob - Kat)
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. Even tell your parents, especially
tell your parents. Might make a change from
reading all that damaging shit on Facebook.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "REPLY" FESSHOLE
"I share an unusual name with a famous actor. On
three occasions hundreds of thousands of pounds
meant for him have turned up in my bank account.
I always wait about five days before reporting
it. I usually earn about £60 interest in that
time." Best reply is from SuperNiceBob,
"Bankaccount Confusionbatch?"
