NEWSLETTER: "CURLING OUT ANOTHER NEWSLETTER FOR THE 'WIN TURD OLYMPICS'"
* OINK! MAGAZINE - Revived from the piggy dead
* IS YOUR CONCENTRATION FUCKED - sorry, what?
* YOU ARE THE HORSE - the high-tech simulation
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | using CRTL^S & a silly
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| amount of floppies"
B3ta newsletter 979, oh why, it's 20th Feb 2026
Sample this issue in Octamed on your Amiga 500:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue979
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #1
Other than making Lego voodoo dolls of Thatcher
* DAILY OINK - Zuowan writes, "I've made a
BlueSky account to post something from Oink!
comic every day." If you're old enough to
remember Oink!, then you're in for a treat, it
was basically Viz for kids and the early home
for such legends as Charlie Brooker, Mark Riley
and the brilliant and sadly missed cartoonist
Tony Husband. Altogether now, let's sing, "Don't
eat pigs coz they're made of ham, let's eat that
nasty butcher man."
https://bsky.app/profile/dailyoink.bsky.social
* YOUR CONCENTRATION IS FUCKED, LET'S TEST IT -
woeindustries writes, "The AGAT (Adventure Game
Aptitude Test) is a standardized examination
designed to assess if anyone can still complete
an 80s adventure game without a walkthrough. We
will be utilizing college exam proctoring
software during play, monitoring browser
activity and smartphone usage to make sure no
outside sources are consulted. Test day is Feb
28th." Quite honestly, our concentration is so
fucked, there's no way we're going to remember
to do this on the day, but good luck everyone.
https://theagat.co/
* YOU ARE THE HORSE, LET'S MOW GRASS -
loyalmussy writes, "I had a few submissions a
while ago including The Steven Tyler Calculator
and Titanic Re-Christened: Maiden Vengeance. I
made another garbage game. This one's extra bad,
but quite relaxing. Original soundtrack by yours
truly, as well." This has shades of the Advanced
Lawn Mower simulator on the ZX Plectrum. Next
week, maybe a game where you do something
equally relaxing, whilst leaving a trail of
devastation behind you, like choosing which
projects to feature in the b3ta newsletter.
https://andymetoo.itch.io/horse-mower
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Are you ready to buy some clothes this Easter?
You know people traditionally give each other
Easter Eggs at Easter, to celebrate the birth of
Christ from a brown egg? Well, did you know he
was born nude and a vastly more appropriate gift
would be the gift of clothes? Yes, buy some
clothes at Hebtro, all manufactured in the UK
and designed to last and perfect for Easter
gifts. PLEASE NOTE: Hebtro never write any of
this copy, so it's not their fault ok? Your B3ta
editor just types and hopes he doesn't write
anything so weird they stop sponsoring. So buy
some clothes, and don't complain.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions, shut up, you like this shit
Turns out if you open a form saying
"confessions" then people will type loads of
shit into it and it'll keep the secret services
busy with a honey pot of blackmail material for
years to come. So OK ones this week include:
* TESLA GIRLS - "I work in a boutique. A male
customer wanted us to gift wrap a scarf and
lingerie separately, with cards addressed to
different women's names. Nothing new to us. But
he'd parked a Tesla, so just before sealing up
the boxes I switched the two cards. Serve him
right."
* OBVIOUS PLANT - "I was buying my mum a house
plant recently and commented to the woman at the
till 'how did house plants survive before there
were houses?' She looked at me like I was an
absolute idiot and said, 'they are native to
warmer countries'. I'm 54."
* DON'T BE WET - "My dad drowned when I was
small and I don't mind people knowing, but when
they go too far and ask details like 'How did he
drown?' I say 'He breathed in too much water'
and just look at them to see how uncomfortable
they get."
Follow the account that only has followers
because the public mistook it for the funny one
where Jeward complain to Alan Sugar that they
still get really annoying emails about that
album they uploaded to everyone's Amstrad
Emailer.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social
COME AND SEE THE LIVE SHOWS - the coming shows
are Leeds on 4th March, Luton on 12th March, and
Glasgow on 16th March, before heading to Sweden
for dates in Malm on 23 April, Goteborg on 24
April, and Stockholm on 25 April. Anon Opin also
Glasgow on 17th March. AND JUST ANNOUNCED!
CAMBRIDGE!
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books that are quite good, even if the
glue that binds them "dissolves with enough
piss" according to a bloke at one of the shows.
We gave him a replacement, out of our own
pocket.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
10-404, your new CB radio call signs this week
* AMERICAN GRAFFITTI - Walzr's using more of the
generous APIs of the San Francisco government to
collect pictures of graffiti taken by city
inspectors, creating this rather enjoyable
gallery of street art. We were surprised to see
Mr Chips from Catchphrase painted on a garage
door until we realised it was supposed to be a
Minion. Can we have a project like this for the
UK please, and for it to be all crudely drawn
hairy lady's bottoms?
https://walzr.com/sf-graffiti
* TRAIN THE ALGORITHM - This site uses the also
generous API of Wikipedia to create a bottomless
scroll version of Jimmy's Cool Home Page which
attempts to learn things you're interested in
based on your previous behaviour. Hard to tell
if it works, or Wikipedia is just a really
enjoyable thing to browse this way. Either way,
enjoy it before AI kills Wikipedia.
https://xikipedia.org/
* CAN YOU BEAT OFF DARWIN? This W****e of the
week has been around a few years but has only
just been given a reskin with decent UX. Guess
what the fluff of the day is called. This time
using the generous API of iNaturalist (an open
web helps people create nice projects - who
knew?)
https://beatdarwin.com/
* YOU ARE BRITISH RAIL - If you want to run
Britain's train station announcements in the
comfort of your own home, this is the website
that probably has given Rod Stewart his first
erection since the Hornby IPO of 1986.
https://railannouncements.co.uk/
* THIS MAN HAS FORGOTTEN MORE ABOUT HOW COMEDY
WORKS THAN YOU EVER KNEW - Conan O'Brien on why
Trump jokes aren't funny is interesting: "Comedy
needs a straight line to go off of". Correct.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* CRAIGSLIST IS STILL GOING - and someone wants
to swap an insane collection of stuff for a
motorhome. Sorry mate, we don't have a motorhome
to offer you. Maybe ask NTK?
https://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/wan/d/santa-...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Comedy Shows in History
Last week we were asking you to make some
bollocks or other and apparently, indeed you
did, so thanks for that.
* 'Monkeon' takes on the sketch that Channel 4
proved, with science, that was better than
Stewart Lee
https://b3ta.com/board/11425561
* 'Ninj' tackles the sitcom which, although
probably anti-racist in the original intent, is
a difficult watch these days, certainly whilst
wanking.
https://b3ta.com/board/11425420
* 'The Twisted Omentum' comes for the film
which, in our important opinion, isn't quite as
good the one that followed it, largely because
the ending was so anticlimatic. "That's the
point!" Yeah, but still, pulling the rug from
under the audience just isn't a fun way to end a
story.
https://b3ta.com/board/11425394
See all the other images from the 'Comedy Shows
in History' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/comedyshowsinhistory/pop...
>> This week: Horses <<
It's the Year of the Horse, and as we love
horses (best of all the animals), let's
celebrate by giving them a good bit of pixel
abuse in Corel Draw.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/horses/popular
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #2
Mucking about with websites again, apparently
* ISN'T THAT CSS CLEVER? - naeemnur writes, "I
built a site to showcase what modern CSS can
do." OK, for those of you that aren't stuck in
2015 with your J-Lo CDs, apparently CSS has
improved a bit, and you're all using it wrong.
Get with the program(ing) daddio.
https://modern-css.com/
* WHAT'S YOUR HEX COLOUR TRIPLET NAME? Zaccety
writes, "It's just bit of bollocks really, I'm
not a proper coder so it doesn't do half the
stuff I'd like it to, and is hacky as fuck, but
it's good enough to make a friend smirk for a
couple of minutes and you ask for much more than
that." Amstrad Action issue 52, that's what we
say to you chum, well that's where we remember
this pun from, written into our soul like the
words in a stick of rock.
https://thejoyofhex.co.uk/
* ACROSTIC ENGINE - thelimopit writes, "I think
I finally found a decent use for AI: I made a
little thing that takes the individual letters
of rude words and turns them into sentences, so
you can slip the word WANKER into an email to
your boss without them knowing." Hmm, ok, we'll
let this through, whilst being dubious about AI
because it's ruined everything, including people
chatting, as now there's no one asking us how to
fix their shitty spreadsheets as they can just
ask Claude or whoever the fuck it is this week.
https://acrostic-reasoning-syntax-engine-975117713...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on older, previous, things
* PUTTING THE BBC ON SOCIAL MEDIA LIKE IT'S THE
90S AGAIN - Last week your editor launched his
project to watch more terrestrial TV with a shit
app that told you if there was a film on the BBC
tonight, this week he follows it up with the
social media account that does the same, but
reminds you every day. It's actually made us
watch a bit of telly actually, enjoyed the
Turing film the other night. Clever lad that
Alan, although everything *gestures around* is
clearly his fault.
https://bsky.app/profile/isthereafilmon.bsky.socia...
* YOU ARE PUNNY - We do get some baffling emails
sent in, joyork tells us, "Not many people know
this but Bruce Lee had a daughter called Simone.
She now makes a living selling mobile phone
contracts." Now, we can tell this is some sort
of joke, but we don't actually get it. Oh, don't
write in, typing this out has made us get it.
FFS.
* EGG BLOKE GOES MOULDY - Pig Face Turnip is
continuing his egg-shaped adventures and says,
"My part boiled spherical egg has gone off."
This guy has really nailed the patter and the
grammar of magazine TV and filled it with utter
bullshit, which is a great thing
https://b3ta.com/links/My_rare_round_egg_went_moul...
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
It's the less popular Fesshole, for cunts
Your opinions and replies this week include:
* STAR WARS - "Obi Wan Kenobi was a total snob.
Mos Eisley wasn't a 'hive of scum and villainy',
it was just a working class stopover. Even had a
decent band on." Best reply? "Mos Eisley Flat
Roofed Pub." (thx Scott Ramsay)
* CORDEN BLUE - "I'm no great fan of his, nor
did I watch his show in the US, but James Corden
is a lot more talented than many give him credit
for. Gavin and Stacy was great, and if you're
criticising him without having watched him in
One Man, Two Guvnors, you're unqualified to do
so." Best reply? "Tbf he was great in the play
but then again, Peter Sutcliffe was a very good
lorry driver." (thx Rusty)
* SPY CUNTS - "I hate to disrespect the Slow
Horses but Reform UK is basically becoming
Slough House for failed Tories." Best reply?
"One of them has an uncharismatic, obnoxious,
chain-smoking arsehole as a leader. The other is
a TV series." (thx Simon Robinson)
Submit your opinions, or don't, by this point
nothing we say makes any difference and it's
going to happen anyway.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
Come to the Glasgow Anon show - the ones in
Leicester? The first one was crap and the second
one rocked, much like wanking on crack. Also
apologies for our recent terrible spelling of
GlasCOW, our excuse is our spellchecker stops
working when we TYPE IN CAPSS.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off, into the long grass
* HYPER SPORTS - plungethethumb writes, "Crap
idea for a classic arcade reimagining: Play as a
pharmacist in a Tapper-eque game of sliding
Ritalin along your counter to ADHD-riddled
kids."
* AI MUM - Can we have £1 billion venture
capital to build an artificially intelligent
mother that tells us you should phone more often
and then rambles about some bollocks they've
read in the Daily Mail?
* SINCE SWIFT IS INTO BRITISH ESCLATORS - Some
sort of video thing where on one side it's
Taylor Swift going down the escalator, and the
other side it's the same clip but sped up:
Taylor Swifter.
Send us your ideas and projects, we check out
everything you email in, and have been for
twenty-five years, which means we're experts. Or
broken. Or both.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR
PHIL DONNELLY* *STOOBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK*
*24-7 DEATH* *DAVID GREEN* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, CARL DENCH, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE
STRINGER, MICHAEL KITT, AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and
NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
BevS, Tom Dolan, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Tom Wright, Matthew Wilkes, Kev
Adams, Rich, DoHa, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Chris Evans, d@m0, Dave
Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek Law,
Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich, Greg
Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton, Ivan
Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan,
Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda,
pookong, Ricardo Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard
Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk,
Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall,
Stuart Ashen, the wub, Tim Jokl, Tom Ryan, Wil
Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Craig
Turner, fourstar71, Jonty Wareing, Stevey
Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben Ward, Andy Tillett,
Stafford Lawrence, Simon Balch, omnipiss, Claire
Turner, James Heaver, Phil Lovell, Jon Morris
Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Phillip Spowart, Roy
Santos, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran, John Daly,
nevillebartos, Geoff Tidey, Ian Walker, Leighton
Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian Parrott, Phil
Bennett, Matt, Benjamin Blundell, Katie
Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Peter Henningsen,
Simon Howard, Kier Fox, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond,
lucas seven, mattcox303, Robert van Dijk, Gerry
Spencer, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, Richie Hindle,
John Davies, Patrick Hudson, Harry Simpson, Paul
Pod, Tom Loosemore, DrumGui76, Mark Arnold, and
collin.
Also thanks to the 78 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, AD, AS, AR,
CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MC, MB, AC,
CK, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BG, BS, CC, CZ, DH, DP,
DE, EN, GS, GF, IO, JE, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM,
MB, MF, NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RT, RA, RM, RS, SC,
SR, SW, TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE,
and BB. You are all lovely people.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors:
collin, Mark Arnold, DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson,
John Davies, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry
Spencer, Harry Simpson, and Paul Martyn.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort. Getting in some pennies
makes such a difference, and it means his entire
life isn't insane, he gets paid to do this.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (NP Rob - Kat)
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. Even tell your parents, especially
tell your parents. Might make a change from
reading all that damaging shit on Facebook.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "REPLY" FESSHOLE
"Wife wants to get a dog cam to see what our dog
gets up to when we're at work. This is a huge
issue. Wife thinks I work Mon-Fri. But I stopped
working fridays two years ago. On fridays I
pretend to go to work in the morning & come back
home once she has left. What should I do?" Best
reply? "Dog costume." (thx Drivelcast)
