NEWSLETTER: "THE MAN WHO MISTOOK HIS WIFI FOR A HACK"
"The man who mistook his wifi for a hack"
* FRUSTRATING TOY - Glasses cleaning simulator
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - 80s tech today, results
* LARPING AS AI - humans become bots for fun
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | bombing other newsletters
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| that make us jealous"
B3ta newsletter 982, 16th March 2026
Read this issue in a sarcastic voice:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue982
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than sending 'snot sculpture' to the Tate
* GLASSES CLEANING SIMULATOR - Matt Round
writes, "I used advanced grease-simulation
technology to accurately reproduce what every
glasses wearer experiences." The Roundster is
totally fucking with you here, replicating one
of the most tedious aspects of using glasses,
using the power of HTML. Still, shouldn't moan,
as disabilities go, it's a miracle it's so
fixable.
https://vole.wtf/glasses-cleaning/
* WALKING WITH CHAIRS - The Tramp Surveyor tells
us about an "old sketch I made 18 years ago."
And quite honestly it's really fun. Will there
be more? Apparently not, as they "have long
since hung up the acting boots." We say, unhang
those sexy boots, there is amusingly shonky
comedy to be made.
https://b3ta.com/links/Old_sketch_I_made_18_years_...
* GUESS MOVIE FROM CRAP DRAWING - adamwilcox
writes, "I've made some games based around my
limited artistic ability, possibly worthy of
newsletter inclusion. No AI in the image
creation." OK, we'll link to the movie game,
seeing as it's moderately entertaining.
https://games.adamwilcox.co.uk/minimal-movies/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes, and wear them
You might not have heard of this new product,
called clothing, but finally the science boffins
at Hebtro have solved the moral problem of
nudity, by covering up your shame with sturdy
fabrics, all designed to look stylish, last a
long time, and built in the UK to exacting
standards. Ideal as presents for the tricky men
in your life, and also for yourself, because
you're tricky and worth it.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
The confessions bit that hit weirdly big
We didn't really plan for Fesshole to be more
popular than B3ta, the main aim was to make a
repeatable strand for the newsletter, which
would serve as an equivalent to the much missed
Question Of The Week. But the nature of
unintended consequences means you can't really
control what the public responds to. Anyway,
some tolerable ones this week include:
* UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY - "When my wife turned 50,
she and I and our two kids went on a six-week
European holiday - then when I turned 50 a few
years later, she gave me a pen. She turns 60
next year and is making noises about another
overseas trip, but I think I'll just use my pen
to write her a card."
* NOPE, NEVER DO THIS - "Been getting the same
train for the past year. The same person sits
opposite me every day. This morning we struck a
conversation. Needless to say I won't be getting
that train again. Worried they're thinking the
same and we both end up getting the same train
again."
* TOO RELATABLE - "Just lying in bed doom
scrolling, caught my reflection in the phone and
realised I look like Andrew Mountbaton-Windsor
in the back of a police car."
Follow the account that now has 141k followers
on Instagram, which makes Fesshole twice as
popular as the influencer our local pizza shop
is using to help them sell pizza. Where's our
free pizza, you pizza cunts?
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Come to the shows, we're writing this just
having played Luton and that was great. Even got
the whole room to chant their opinion on local
guy Andrew Tate, which, thankfully, was not
positive. Maybe we should send it him? GLASGOW
next.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books, they are quite good, and will
only become more interesting with time, given
what a snapshot of early-mid 21th century
thoughts they are. Like, wouldn't you be
fascinated to read a Victorian Fesshole? Give
that gift to your grandkids by buying one now
and leaving it somewhere safe, that no one
touches, like in your pants.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your internet type-ins this week
* COSPLAY AS AI - connect to this site and ask
the AI to answer a question, but no, come back,
it's not AI, it's humans roleplaying as AI.
Delightfully, we asked them to draw a ZX81 and
got the reply, "I will not draw an inferior
machine."
https://youraislopbores.me/
* SWEEP THE STRAIGHT - topical games are hard,
given the news cycle is so fast, and it takes
time to produce a game. Anyway, a version of
Minesweeper based on the tricksy bit of sea by
Iran. Maybe it'll still be relevant by the time
you click.
https://sweepthestrait.com/
* BREAK BEAT - Recreate the bit at the beginning
of Chas & Dave's Snooker Loopy with this
billiard noises drum machine. Still think
there's a fun musical project for someone to
make tracks using only weird internet
instruments like this.
https://jesschase.github.io/billiards-rack/
* CRYPTIC WORD PUZZLE FOR CLEVER PEOPLE - Josh
Wardle's latest is a way of learning how to
solve cryptic puzzles. Interesting to compare
with Minute Cryptic, and it's approach is kind
of the opposite - here you must spot the
indicators and fodder and it gives you the
letters. Also "arse" - pfft.
https://www.parseword.com/
* AUSTRALIAN PUB SIMULATOR - To be honest, most
roguelike games last about 30 seconds until
we're overwhelmed by commands and a skeleton
eats us. This is the same, though it's rather
more amusing for it to be death via an Alf
Stewart calling us a cunt.
https://timothyjgraham.itch.io/australian-pub-simu...
* BANG BANG THUD CRASH BOOM - The second novelty
drum machine of the week, this one bubble sorts
the tiny parts from the legendary Amen break and
allows you to listen to it with your ears,
should you be lucky enough to have ears.
https://parametricavocado.itch.io/amen-sorting
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
80s Tech Today
Last week we asked you to update 80s tech for
the modern world, largely because we're all very
old, and that's the last time we liked
technology.
Here's the best images:
* This 'Knightrider 2025' one could be the best
thing in the newsletter this week, but it's
buried down in the image challenge bit because
we can't break the format. Do give it a look,
and well done 'bruised blood'.
https://b3ta.com/board/11426454
* 'Hype' asks you to 'see the facts'
https://b3ta.com/board/11426390
* 'The Twisted Omentum' brings you Simon Le Bonk
Into Furniture
https://b3ta.com/board/11426270
* See all the other images from the '80s Tech
Today' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/80stechtoday/popular
>> This week: Animal Replacements <<
Nigel Farage has defined woke as "replacing
Winston Churchill with a picture of a beaver",
so in our WOKEST EVER CHALLENGE, we ask you to
replace other people and things with animals.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/animalreplacements/popu...
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
Do you like opinions? No, tough, here are some
In the great history of "people submit stuff,
Rob decides what's posted" the first one was
Anon Opin, spun up when the meme of the day was
'unpopular opinions', and we ran it in that
format for a moment, and quickly realised that
it's a terrible idea and pivoted it to something
that's better to read but less catchy -
"occasionally unpopular opinions, some right,
some wrong, some a bit annoying, but
occasionally interesting." Some tolerable
opinion/reply combos this week include:
* CLEAN OPINIONS - "I don't understand people
who rinse plates before putting them in the
dishwasher. The whole point of a dishwasher is
that it washes the plates for you." Best reply?
"Thats what the dog is for" (thx The original
beardy Bill)
* PAPER-THIN OPINIONS - "Worked in retail for 30
years. In order, these are the most annoying
customers: 1, Refuses to use self service. 2,
'You have to accept cash, it's in the magna
carta' 3, 'you keep moving everything' 4, Dumps
products randomly about the shop. 5, Takes the
second paper from the top." Best reply? "The
paper at the top is stale. The one underneath
has obviously been kept fresher and will taste
nicer." (thx RumSmiles)
* NAME OPINIONS - "Musicians shouldn't be able
to release music under names too similar to
already established artists ie. Jim Morrison /
James Morrison or Gilbert & Sullivan / Gilbert
O'Sullivan." Best reply? "What if they add
something to the end, to let you know..? Cher
and Cher-alike." (thx BhoyPablo)
Follow the account that only has followers
because, no, that's the bit we do for Fesshole,
sorry. Follow it because you hate yourself and
you're addicted to scrolling.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* THE NAME OF GOD ON A ZX81 - the ZX81 has a
screen solution of 32x25 character squares, with
an ASCII subset of 128 different chars, if you
set one going to display every possible
combination, you would have more images than
there are atoms in the universe, by an absurd
scale. Write this code, and leave it going,
until it displays the name of God. (Which is
Uncle Clive, btw)
* THE TWINNED MUSEUM OF WARSALL/WARSAW - always
found these two cities names to be amusingly
similar, can you make a tribute to every
conurbation in the UK that has a wrongly spelt
twin in another country?
* IN WHAT AGE OF PAUL MCCARTNEY ARE YOU? - type
in your age and find out what massive
over-achiever Sir Paul was doing when he was
your age. If this newsletter was McCartney it
would currently be writing SGT Pepper. FFS. Calm
down Paul.
Use our form to send us an email detailing
exactly what your project is and why we should
talk about it.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR
PHIL DONNELLY* *STOOBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK*
*24-7 DEATH* *DAVID GREEN* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, CARL DENCH, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE
STRINGER, MICHAEL KITT, AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and
NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
BevS, Tom Dolan, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Tom Wright, Matthew Wilkes, Kev
Adams, Rich, DoHa, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Chris Evans, d@m0, Dave
Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek Law,
Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich, Greg
Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton, Ivan
Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan,
Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda,
pookong, Ricardo Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard
Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk,
Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall,
Stuart Ashen, the wub, Tim Jokl, Tom Ryan, Wil
Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Craig
Turner, fourstar71, Jonty Wareing, Stevey
Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben Ward, Andy Tillett,
Stafford Lawrence, Simon Balch, omnipiss, Claire
Turner, James Heaver, Phil Lovell, Jon Morris
Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Phillip Spowart, Roy
Santos, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran, John Daly,
nevillebartos, Geoff Tidey, Ian Walker, Leighton
Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian Parrott, Phil
Bennett, Matt, Benjamin Blundell, Katie
Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Peter Henningsen,
Simon Howard, Kier Fox, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond,
lucas seven, mattcox303, Robert van Dijk, Gerry
Spencer, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, Richie Hindle,
John Davies, Patrick Hudson, Harry Simpson, Paul
Pod, Tom Loosemore, DrumGui76, Mark Arnold, and
collin.
Also thanks to the 78 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, AD, AS, AR,
CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MC, MB, AC,
CK, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BG, BS, CC, CZ, DH, DP,
DE, EN, GS, GF, IO, JE, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM,
MB, MF, NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RT, RA, RM, RS, SC,
SR, SW, TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE,
and BB. You are all lovely people.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors:
collin, Mark Arnold, DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson,
John Davies, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry
Spencer, Harry Simpson, and Paul Martyn.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "REPLY" FESSHOLE
"Underwear used to last me for years. Since
turning fifty, I go through it at an incredible
rate. The gusset just decomposes. My middle-aged
balls seem to have become corrosive." Best
reply? "Roses are red My farts are explosive My
middle-aged balls seem to have become corrosive"
(thx Gosunkugi)
