NEWSLETTER: "JUST READ THE NEWSLETTER YOU SHIT BAGS, YOU SUBBED TO IT"
* WEEBL RETURNS - with 'Big Hairy Dog'
* SHEDDIES ARE ALSO BACK - Submit your shed
* CHALLENGE - Cartoon Music, over 125 entries (!)
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the Webb by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | streaming MacArthur Park
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| via a DDOS loop"
B3ta newsletter 983, 30th March 2026
Read this issue in your poshest telephone voice:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue983
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pee pees sore from
wanking
* BIG HAIRY DOG - Jonti Picking of 'badger
badger badger' fame returns to the B3ta boards
to bring you a song and animation about the big
hairy ginger cows who live in Scotland. No cheap
jokes please.
http://b3ta.com/links/1630926
* SUBMIT YOUR SHED, ONCE AGAIN TO THE SHEDDIES -
Uncle Wilco writes, "20 years ago, I had been
lurking on B3ta for 3 years, 6 months and 21
days. But I had also started a small online
contest called 'Shed of the Year.' It started
out slow, but then it got crazy for a few years
when it was on the telly. Now it's back where it
belongs, online. Anyway, it's open for entries
again." Yay, if we had a shed we'd submit one.
https://readersheds.co.uk/index.cfm
* ADD YOURSELF TO THE INTERNET PHONE BOOK,
Kristoffer Tjalve writes, "I'm now making a
second issue of the internet phone book. The
goal is that it will eventually become a brick,
so I can build a house, because internet art
ain't gonna get me house ownership. Can I ask
you to share the open call? I'm certain that it
will add submissions, which will add pages,
which will make a thicker spine, which,
presumably means a better brick." We approve of
projects that make stuff real, as much as we
love the internet, it's very ephemeral. Make
more physical stuff everyone.
https://internetphonebook.net/
* SHORT BUT AMUSING HORSE JOKE - Drivelsieve
writes, "I made this postcard move - Royal Horse
Guards Sentry, Whitehall, London." We laughed,
but maybe that's because we're not well.
https://b3ta.com/links/I_made_this_postcard_move_R...
* REJECTED PARLIAMENT PETITIONS - Jonty Wearing
writes, "Remember my old bot that posted every
rejected parliament petition? I've resurrected
it on both Bluesky and Mastodon. Let the chaos
begin." Current rejections include "Make Freddos
10p again." Screw any government against this
sound plan.
https://bsky.app/profile/rejectpetitions.bsky.soci...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes
Look down at your legs, are you happy with your
clothing? Maybe you're in the market for
cladding them in something else? Something
durable, something made in the UK and something
that'll make people go "wow, you shop at Hebtro,
the official sponsor of B3ta.com." So dig deep
and buy hard.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
The fess bit you pretend to despise
Each week we read all your fesses and choose a
few to post, some ones we enjoyed recently
included:
* WALES - "Welsh speaker here. It's completely
untrue to say that the only times we speak Welsh
in public are to annoy boorish English visitors.
But it is true to say those are the *best*
times."
* SCHOOL - "Primary school teacher. Me and my
colleague who teaches the other class take turns
to make maths worksheets for both classes to do.
Made him one where the answer to every single
sum is 67 and you could hear the shrieks across
the school."
* DEATH - "In the 1970s/80s, we used to hang
around rural crossroads at night, taking turns
to stand wearing a hooded cloak, carrying a
scythe. We'd slowly point a finger at oncoming
vehicles. We stopped doing it after a car went
in to the ditch. Sorry to all who thought they
saw Death."
Follow the account that's ok if you like that
sort of thing.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Come to the shows.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book, and be very scared that your
editor is working on a new book, and not one
anything to do with confessions.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your internet "type-ins" this week
* IT'S COMPLETE NOUNSENSE - W****e of the week
is this Blankety Blank Supermatch game. Quite
challenging and fun at first, though they've
gone for the worst of both worlds by making it
both daily and also having too many questions
per game.
https://daily.gametje.com/nounsense/
* IT'S MY LIFE, MY WORRIES - Conway's Game Of
Life is now a music synthesiser. Why not draw a
pixelly self portrait and see if it makes as
much of a racket as that time the Aphex Twin
forced his scary chops into a track's
spectrogram.
https://vovanz.github.io/conways-life-music/
* "PASTEBIN - BUT IT SCREAMS AT YOU IN MODEM" -
Another racket generator, this site will
translate messages into a modem screech. All
together now: pheeeooooh
schrochowowowowowchowoqch...
https://www.modembin.com/
* 100 JUMPS - in a game as simple to grasp as
Flappy Bird, comes this platformer where you
have to make one hundred increasingly tricky
jumps. Infuriating but you'll want one more go.
https://100jumps.org/
* HOSTILE VOLUME - a web design gag which asks
you set the volume to 25% loudness whilst an
increasingly antagonistic interface stops you.
https://hostilevolume.com/
* CSS DOOM - proving once again that Cascading
Style Sheets have become utterly insane, someone
has ported Doom to them, like it's a camera in
2006.
https://cssdoom.wtf/
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: GOASTSE OF THE WEEK
No, let's not start this up again
MahTheFarrCass writes, "I know you don't want
goatse being a thing again, but...." and there
he goes, making it be a thing again and even
worse, linking to Threads.
https://www.threads.com/@eliseo_dannunzio/post/DVv...
Also thanks to billybadbum who writes, "Can I be
one of the THOUSANDS who'll no doubt send you
this link?". No, because you're one of two.
We're that popular.
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Animal Replacements
Here's the best images from last week, where we
were replacing things with... animals.
* 'Octo' brings us this honking great image
http://b3ta.com/board/11426553
* 'HappyToast' kicks out the jams with in this
marmalade associated gag
http://b3ta.com/board/11426677
* 'Mehitabel_Itrang' tells us that elephants
never forget when it comes to online nudity
https://b3ta.com/board/11426507
* See all the other images from the 'Animal
Replacements' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animalreplacements/popul...
>> This week: Cartoon Music <<
Gorillaz can't have all the fun mashing up pop
music and cartoons. Show us albums and songs by
your favourite cartoon characters, put a pop
star in Toontown, or mix the two worlds in
whatever way you see fit. Suggested by Captain
Howdy.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cartoonmusic/popular
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
If you like opinions, then you're in luck
Yeah it's the opinions bit, organised in a way
to show you some of the most amusing replies.
Are you ready?
* WANK SINATRA - "I've never met anyone who
loved the song 'My Way' who wasn't also an
irredeemable cunt." Best reply? "Frank Sinatra
was born on December 12 1915, and died May 15
1998, which is 30,105 days. According to
Wikipedia there are 40,214,302 miles of road in
the world. So to have travelled 'each and every
highway' he would need to have maintained an
average speed throughout his entire life of
55.68mph." (thx 1inhalfabillion)
* ACTUALLY WORTH GOOGLING, THIS - "Far too many
people don't know the difference between Euler
diagrams and Venn diagrams" Best reply? "If only
there were some way to visually represent the
group of people who know one, the other, or
both." (thx MenaceF1)
* ALIENS - "Saying aliens built the pyramids is
the laziest conspiracy. There's tons of hard
evidence it was done by humans, we just can't
agree on the actual specifics of how. If you
can't grasp that people back then were just as
clever and ingenious as us then that's your
problem." Best reply? "We know how they were
built...up to a point." (thx Duncan Jones)
Follow the account if you hate yourself that
much you need more opinions in your life.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* TOP OF THE CROPS - start a project where the
humour comes from cropping headlines for
mischief. Prompted by reading this in the Mirror
a few minutes ago: "I clashed with Farage in the
US - he's only interested in one thing, top"
* IS/WAS QUIZ - was just reading the Star Wars
wikipedia page and noticing for the cast, how
many are "was" instead of "is". So turn this
into a quiz, that's IMDB top 100 films, and
dragging a slider on the from 0% alive (was) to
100% alive (is).
* RATTLE SNAKE HISS - This version of Nokia
Snake is also a drum machine. Each bit of
percussion you gobble up makes your snake longer
and adds to the beat sequence. Do not even think
of vibe coding this - make it as *art*.
Let's see those emails, email fans.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR
PHIL DONNELLY* *STOOBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK*
*24-7 DEATH* *DAVID GREEN* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, CARL DENCH, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE
STRINGER, MICHAEL KITT, AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and
NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
BevS, Tom Dolan, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Tom Wright, Matthew Wilkes, Kev
Adams, Rich, DoHa, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Chris Evans, d@m0, Dave
Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek Law,
Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich, Greg
Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton, Ivan
Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan,
Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda,
pookong, Ricardo Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard
Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk,
Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall,
Stuart Ashen, the wub, Tim Jokl, Tom Ryan, Wil
Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Craig
Turner, fourstar71, Jonty Wareing, Stevey
Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben Ward, Andy Tillett,
Stafford Lawrence, Simon Balch, omnipiss, Claire
Turner, James Heaver, Phil Lovell, Jon Morris
Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Phillip Spowart, Roy
Santos, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran, John Daly,
nevillebartos, Geoff Tidey, Ian Walker, Leighton
Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian Parrott, Phil
Bennett, Matt, Benjamin Blundell, Katie
Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Peter Henningsen,
Simon Howard, Kier Fox, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond,
lucas seven, mattcox303, Robert van Dijk, Gerry
Spencer, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, Richie Hindle,
John Davies, Patrick Hudson, Harry Simpson, Paul
Pod, Tom Loosemore, DrumGui76, Mark Arnold, and
collin.
Also thanks to the 78 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, AD, AS, AR,
CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MC, MB, AC,
CK, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BG, BS, CC, CZ, DH, DP,
DE, EN, GS, GF, IO, JE, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM,
MB, MF, NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RT, RA, RM, RS, SC,
SR, SW, TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE,
and BB. You are all lovely people.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors:
collin, Mark Arnold, DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson,
John Davies, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry
Spencer, Harry Simpson, and Paul Martyn.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "REPLY" FESSHOLE
* SEXY COFFEE - "I was 18 at a staff Xmas party,
and an older staff member asked me back to her
room for 'coffee'. She went up first for a
shower. I noticed no kettle in her room. Went
back to my room to bring a kettle. She looked at
me, and we had coffee. Years later, it clicked."
Best reply? "Get that kettle checked by an
electrical engineer, the click should only take
about three minutes tops."
