NEWSLETTER: "WEAR A TINFOIL HAT TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE ALUMINUMATI"
* DOOM - The text adventure
* QUIZ - Can you spot the Reform MP?
* NEW CHALLENGE - Jobs for Jesus
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | patting it on the head
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| regularly... together"
B3ta newsletter 985, 20th April 2026
Read this newsletter doing an impression of R2D2:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue985
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making snot tributes to the Queen
* CAN YOU SPOT THE REFORM MP? Jason Cartwright
writes, "Hello! I made 'Am I Reform Or Not?'"
This game asks if you can tell whether a random
politician is from the Reform party or not.
Chances are you cannot, because although they
might be all swivel-eyed loons, they're wearing
human skin, like everyone's favourite movie,
They Live.
https://reformornot.uk
* DOOM, THE TEXT ADVENTURE - Vicjameson writes,
"I created a program that could be used to make
text adventures, and my understanding is that
the best way to test it is to see if it can run
Doom. Great news, it sort of can." Reminds us of
the very great Crap Computer Games entry,
'Tetris, The Text Adventure' which went "You're
in a deep, dark cavern, you can see a shape fall
towards you from the up high. Available moves:
rotate left, rotate right & drop."
https://version33.itch.io/e1m1
* IT'S ANOTHER SHORT GAG FROM THAT BLOKE - "I
made this painting move" spurts Drivelsieve once
again. You'll be entertained, not like a lot,
because it's very short, but still, 10 seconds
of entertainment is better than staring into the
abyss wondering if you can make cheese rope from
plaiting cheese string.
https://b3ta.com/links/I_made_this_painting_move
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Please buy clothes from these peeps
Did you know Hebtro make all their clothes in
the UK? We've been telling you this for several
years, so maybe the message has sunk in. This is
how advertising works, we reckon, hammering one
message until people break. Anyway, as we said,
all made in the UK, to the highest standards so
they're worth the punchy prices because they
last a long time. Ideal as gifts for difficult
men and maybe yourself.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
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: FESSHOLE
It's fess time, fess nonces
Each week we complain that you won't stop adding
confessions and we'd like you to stop. This is
"a bit" in that we're resigned to our fate, and
we wouldn't know what to do if you stopped -
maybe return to our previous hobby of going
through our neighbour's bins and putting the
weirdest shit we find on our Binstagram account?
Anyway some tolerable content this week include:
* THE CURE - "Had a crush on a man for months.
It's been ruining my life. Been unable to think
of anything else. Dominating my every waking
moment. He's just posted a video to Instagram
where he's wearing crocs and just like that,
it's evaporated. Spell is broken. Thank God."
* DODDERY OLD LADY - "Church organist here.
Lovely old dear in the congregation looks like
Ken Dodd. Every time she comes in to a service I
try and secretly play 'Happiness'. Nobody has
spotted this yet."
* GOT WOOD? - "I floated the idea to my husband
of inviting a woman to our bed. He said OK, then
turned it into a woodworking project to hand
make a love seat like Edward VII had for
threesomes. I've lost interest. Should have just
found and shagged a woman myself without him."
Follow the account that only has followers
because you mistook it for the funny one which
posts tube stations who sound like they're the
sister of Duran Duran's singer. Can you work it
out? YOU CAN, we believe in you.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Come to the shows: 23 Apr 2026 - Malmo Live,
Malmo, Sweden; 25 Apr 2026 - Bio Skandia,
Stockholm, Sweden; 14 May 2026 - 53Two,
Manchester; 18 Jun 2026 - New Adelphi Club,
Hull; 20 Jun 2026 - Cambridge Junction. Oh fuck
Sweden, this week, we've got to go to Sweden.
Best stop writing this newsletter and get on a
fucking plane.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books that are "quite good if you like
that sort of thing". Or don't buy the books, but
if you don't then your book shelves will be sad.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
It's not 'sides of beef', no mama no
* READ THE UNREAD BITS OF WIKIPEDIA - This site
finds articles on Wikipedia with less than 2000
views, so you can impress your friends with
knowledge about niche subjects like Urban water
management in Bogota that they almost certainly
won't have in their own brains. To be fair this
is a better concept to consider, than it is
actually reading these obscure corners, which
are largely unread for a reason.
https://www.lonelywiki.com/
* LET'S ALL MAGNIFY HORSES - a Ronseal game in
which you must place magnifying glasses on
pictures of horses in order to twist them into
the desired shapes. Looks like it may not work
on Safari (worst of all the browsers).
https://wer8888.itch.io/horse-magnifier
* CAN YOU DRAW A PERFECT RENTANGLE - In what
passes as an unofficial, crappier sequel to Matt
Round's circle game, here you must draw the
perfect rectangle, which basically just involves
understanding how aspect ratios work. Next week:
what's the longest straight line you can draw,
which we'll suggest as a joke, and then the
police will nick as a cheaper way than
breathalisers to test if you're drink driving.
https://ratioed.mfxlabs.com/
* IT'S THURSDAY, IT'S 7PM, IT'S TOP OF THE 8-BIT
POPS - Someone's writing about every UK video
game no.1, we'd link to a list of all the
reviews, but you'll probably get more value out
of reading one and then deciding if you want to
read more, so the link is to a very thoughtful
discussion on Way Of The Exploding Fist.
https://superchartisland.com/the-way-of-the-explod...
* YOU KNOW 'AI FLATTERY' IS A THING RIGHT? They
should show this on TV as a public information
film warning about AI flattery, the crux of it
is playing a fart to AI and asking it to review
it as music. We did similar with some lyrics
your editor wrote aged 14, and got told how
exceptional they were and we had a real talent.
This way psychosis lies.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/JqvDLHshTtI
* "OUR LEADERS ARE PLAYING ONE DIMENSIONAL
CHESS" - You've played 1K chess, now it's time
to play 1D chess, that is a chess board that's a
single row. Surprisingly thoughtful and
challenging, and interestingly based on some
article in Scientific American from 1980, from
an era when magazines were good.
https://rowan441.github.io/1dchess/chess.html
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Set Everything in Space
To celebrate our first mission to the Moon since
Mr Spoon went there we asked you, dear B3tans,
to stick everything in space. Some entries we
enjoyed included these from...
* 'Hagbardsapple' who pointed out that the
parachutes that Artemis II used are weirdly
familiar
https://b3ta.com/board/11427289
* 'S4RK' produces something that would be a
better use of Edgar Wright's time than remaking
old Schwarzenegger movies
https://b3ta.com/board/11427473
* It's morally wrong to big up the same artist
twice in a challenge, but props to 'S4RK' again
for bringing 'Withnail & I' into it. Did you
know the guy who Withnail was based upon was
flatmates with the guy who wrote the four note
theme tune to Channel 4? True facts.
https://b3ta.com/board/11427257
Here's the best images from last week:
* See all the other images from the 'Set
Everything in Space' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/seteverythinginspace/pop...
>> This week: Jobs for Jesus <<
What jobs would Jesus be good at other than
carpentry? Turn Christ into Mr Benn and show us
what he'd bring to his various new roles.
Suggested by HappyToast.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/jobsforjesus/popular
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
Your opinions, served up an opinion soup
Have we really got to write an intro for Anon
Opin? OK, it's a big load of opinions you
submit, and your editor picks out some to post
for socials, and it really pisses people off for
some reason. Anyway, here's a few this week
where the replies were fun.
* FOR THE BIRDS - "That Robin's that hanging
around you while you're doing the garden is
keeping an eye out for worms. It's not your dead
nan." Best reply? "My dead nan used to love
eating worms" (thx Pottsy)
* TEAM GB - "Great Britain would get far more
medals in the Winter Olympics if these sports
were promoted and taught at all state schools
instead of just a bunch of rich kids who's
parents can afford holidays in Verbier during
the February half term." Best reply? "Sadly,
Thatcher sold off all the mountains in the 80s.
It was all downhill before then." (thx Cape of
Irmin Schmidt's Sideburns)
* DURY SERVICE - "Ian Dury was a unique talent
and the Blockheads were an unbelievably tight
band. It's a shame that he's only known for 'Hit
Me With Your Rhythm Stick' by most people." Best
reply? "What a waste" (thx Chris)
Follow the account that we get absolutely no one
giving us any respect for, but we quite like it.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on old stories
* CHRIS BARKER'S BOOK FUNDED - Last week we
suggested you support Barker's latest tome and
many of you did, and now Chris has enough silver
pennies to get his bookywook published. It's
basically a two-man photoshop challenge where
one guy (David Quantick) sets the challenge and
another guy, Chris, makes art to answer the
challenge. You can still throw in money if you
want a copy. Or you could adopt a panda, your
choice.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/davidquantick...
* CHRIS SHAW'S EGGPOD SEQUEL IS NEARLY OUT - he
writes, "Launching 3rd May 2026 - but
exclusively available to Patreon supporters from
next Sunday" So if you want to hear it early,
sub to his patreon.
https://www.patreon.com/eggpod
NEXT WEEK: An investigation into why everyone on
B3ta is called Chris.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* WHICH CELEBS WILL SHILL RACIST SHITE FOR
MONEY? - It wouldn't be particularly amusing,
but the Brass Eye reboot we'd like to see would
be Chris Morris phoning the agents of various
celebrities and getting a price on "how much to
post on Instagram that you think Tommy Robinson
is a good lad?"
* EDGEWAVE - develop a new form of music based
upon copying the exact echoes that The Edge from
U2 uses and nothing else. Art is what you make
when you close as many doors as you can and see
what you can do with what's left. (OK, we're
writing filler here, we're currently on a tube
train at looking at the tube map for inspiration
and we've just been through Edgware, and that
was the second idea we came up after selling
Edge merch, that is Edge wares, that is Beanie
hats)
* WHY SHOULD YOU NEVER STOP JIM MORRISON AND RAY
MANZERIK GETTING ON THE TUBE? Because
'obtructing the doors can be dangerous', yes in
our second bit of tube based filler, write a
joke book where every single punchline is an
absurd reinterpretation on a sign on the
Underground.
Submit your ideas into the 'mail us' form, for
that's how the magic works. You send us stuff,
we look at it, some of it gets newslettered.
Bish, bash, Bosch, as the washing machine
machine engineer said to the ordained member of
the clergy at the party.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR
PHIL DONNELLY* *STOOBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK*
*24-7 DEATH* *DAVID GREEN* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, CARL DENCH, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE
STRINGER, MICHAEL KITT, AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and
NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
BevS, Tom Dolan, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Tom Wright, Matthew Wilkes, Kev
Adams, Rich, DoHa, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Chris Evans, d@m0, Dave
Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek Law,
Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich, Greg
Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton, Ivan
Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan,
Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda,
pookong, Ricardo Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard
Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk,
Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall,
Stuart Ashen, the wub, Tim Jokl, Tom Ryan, Wil
Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Craig
Turner, fourstar71, Jonty Wareing, Stevey
Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben Ward, Andy Tillett,
Stafford Lawrence, Simon Balch, omnipiss, Claire
Turner, James Heaver, Phil Lovell, Jon Morris
Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Phillip Spowart, Roy
Santos, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran, John Daly,
nevillebartos, Geoff Tidey, Ian Walker, Leighton
Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian Parrott, Phil
Bennett, Matt, Benjamin Blundell, Katie
Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Peter Henningsen,
Simon Howard, Kier Fox, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond,
lucas seven, mattcox303, Robert van Dijk, Gerry
Spencer, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, Richie Hindle,
John Davies, Patrick Hudson, Harry Simpson, Paul
Pod, Tom Loosemore, DrumGui76, Mark Arnold, and
collin.
Also thanks to the 78 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, AD, AS, AR,
CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MC, MB, AC,
CK, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BG, BS, CC, CZ, DH, DP,
DE, EN, GS, GF, IO, JE, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM,
MB, MF, NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RT, RA, RM, RS, SC,
SR, SW, TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE,
and BB. You are all lovely people.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors:
collin, Mark Arnold, DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson,
John Davies, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry
Spencer, Harry Simpson, and Paul Martyn.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "SEX REPLY" FESSHOLE
"I recently bought a sex machine online. Wasn't
in when it was delivered and the next thing I
know, one of my neighbours steals it. I do hope
they're getting as much fun out of it as I
intended too, even though the average age of my
neighbours is definitely about 85." Best reply?
"You should have stayed on the scene." (thx
Neville Bamshoot)
