NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU OPEN THIS NEWSLETTER MANY TOLERABLE THINGS WILL PRESENT THEMSELVES IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES"
* TOOL - predict the apocalypse with planes
* REAL SPACE INVADERS - play with actual UFOs
* SWEDEMASON - does enjoyable tune thing
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | buying old copies of .net
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| magazine and fucking them"
B3ta newsletter 990, 13th July 2026
Read this issue pretending to be a S-S-S-Sampler
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue990
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making wine out of their piss again
* REAL SPACE INVADERS - woeindustries writes,
"We made a version of Space Invaders a while
back with declassified UFO photos. Updated it
now: revamped the game to more closely match the
original and have added newly disclosed images
and SFX from the most recent UFO dumps." Quite a
nice idea really, although space nutters
probably shouldn't be encouraged. Have you seen
the interviews Speilberg is giving to promo his
Disclosure movie? He's become a complete space
nutter - although to be fair, he probably always
has been one, but the current fevered times
means he feels free to let it out.
https://woe-industries.itch.io/declassifiedspacein...
* SWEDEMASON IS BACK BACK BACK - Our favourite
mash-up artist writes, "I made a rod for my own
back, trying to outdo previous work, so I've
gone back to 2009 and started again." Superb
work here, from the guy who, like The
Glitterband has been unfairly embarrassed by the
actions of the singer on his most famous work.
https://b3ta.com/links/Cutting
* WHAT'S DIFFICULT AND SMELLY? A RUBIK'S PUBE -
Kevin Doyle writes, "I gave up on trying to
solve Rubik's Cubes many years ago, so I
weaponised an algorithm that can." You can tell
we didn't make this, as if we did, we'd have
made it simply tell you to peel the stickers
off.
https://bigjobby.com/toys/cube/index.php
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
It's time for you to buy some smart threads
Did you know that Hebtro makes clothes in the
UK, to the highest standards, all designed to
last? Well if you don't consider yourself
educated both in clothing and how advertising
works. Ideal as presents for the difficult men
in your life, of which, you may be one. So treat
yourself, and buy clothes that'll probably get
you admiring glances, and not just from foxes.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
It's the confession project we can't kill
There are multiple origin stories for Fesshole,
and one which is as true as any of the others,
is simply that we needed repeatable content
ideas for the newsletter, and tried out a few
things, and this one stuck. So be careful what
demons you will in to the world, to feed the
great content maw, eh readers? Some moderately
OK ones this week include:
* DINNER - "Have been ordering chippy for lunch
every Monday for months. On a diet, so I didn't
order two weeks in a row. The owner of the
chippy came to my house to make sure I was
alright. Made me feel like a right fat bastard."
* LIQUID HATE - "I'm sure it's nice, but I can't
ever bring myself to drink Thatcher's cider
because of the name. Fuck you, Thatcher."
* ANOTHER PHONEY STORY - "Working in London, got
very drunk, woke up to 20 missed calls. Called
home. I'd text 'Help' to my boyfriend. So, 400
miles away, he'd called the police. The Met
found me in my hotel, fully clothed, drunk as a
lord, but safe. 'hello' autocorrects to 'help'
if you miss one L"
Follow the account that people only follow,
because they thought it was the meanly-funny-one
which prints out tube maps designed by AI, and
leaves them at tube stations to confuse visiting
Brummies.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Buy the books so that we get some Amazon
Affiliate kickback pennies and can spend the
money on Murder She Wrote DVDs (true story, we
did this so that you don't have to, our review:
it's very mad)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Your cut-out-and-keep websites this week
* PLANE TRUTH - One symbol of impending doom is
all the cunts getting in their private jets to
escape city centres before dying a horrible
death a few weeks later instead. This site
tracks our level of imminent danger by seeing
how many plane wankers are in the clouds at the
moment.
https://ews.kylemcdonald.net/
* CHUCKULUS BROTHERS - - A new BBC Micro game
for 2026, which is a beautiful looking mash-up
of Nebulus and Chuckie Egg. Hopefully the coder
will mash us up Ian Botham's Test Match and Sam
Fox Strip Poker next. "What are you
thinking...x"
https://bbcmicro.co.uk/game.php
* FILM WANKERS - A virtual version of the
Criterion Closet where you get to loiter around
in the nerd cupboard picking your "favourite"
movies. Lovely idea but Vercel, so possibly
vibe-coded. Good chance all those movies have
been pirated in the AI's training data at some
point if it was.
https://the-criterion-closet.vercel.app/
* BINFACE CEEFAX - Amused to see that Count
Binface is putting out his election pledges in
the form of Ceefax videos. BTW: we're loving the
sudden cultural relevance of Binface, how we see
it is that Binface is a punchline, and with
jokes, it's the setup that makes the punchline
funny, and the setup has changed in the most
extraordinary way to make the punchline now land
brilliantly
http://b3ta.com/links/1632670
* TAPE HIS MOUTH SHUT - Nice old-school edit of
Star Wars to suggest that all of Darth Vader's
output was produced by him pressing play on an
audio cassette.
http://b3ta.com/links/1632527
* WE'RE INCREASINGLY ENJOYING THIS OLD COMPUTER
GAMES BLOG - creator Iain Mew writes, "In 1982,
a maths teacher in Birmingham set up a company
to make educational software, staffed by his
former students. Five years later, one of their
games hit #1 in the UK sales chart. This is the
odd story of how they got from A to B." Nice,
look forward to the book version of this Iain
should publish.
https://www.superchartisland.com/run-for-gold
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW UPS
B3tans asking you to help them fund their stuff
* FUND WEEBL - Jonti Picking of
badger-badger-badger fame writes, "Some lovely
devs from Kittens in Timespace (a very b3ta name
I feel) and myself are trying to make a game
based in the Savlonic universe, with nods to
other stuff by me obviously. It's going to be an
arcade racer with crashing and smashing and
power-ups. Just chaotic fun really. And with
Local and online co-op all being well. There's a
very early demo on Steam as well."
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/weebl/neon-shi...
* FUND DAVID AULT MAKING SPOOKY PODCASTS -
Speaking of B3tans with their hand out, which is
fair enough, it's the only way to get things
done these days, Mr Ault writes, "Can I ask a
favour for the next issue of b3ta please? My
kickstarter is currently at 67% and if at all
possible could I get a mention in the newsletter
please? It's a new atmospheric folk horror audio
drama set in a remote Lake District village,
where something ancient stirs beneath the water.
It looks at what takes people from feeling that
things aren't right to stopping the boats." OK,
we'll bung it in, and good luck David.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/330261639/bec...
-------------------------------------------------
: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
Yep, it's opinionslop, gobble it down sloppers
Each week we publish this horrorshow and
absolutely no one tries to make it into a book
or sponsor it, because no one gives a fuck. Yet
it remains our favourite of the trio of accounts
we run, simply as it's fun to reply to.
* PEDANTRY - "In The Busted song Year 3000, they
state your great-great-great-granddaughter is
doing fine. The year 3000 is 974 years away.
That means she'd have to be about 830 years old.
Doubt she's doing fine. Always annoys me when I
hear it." Best reply? "What's more annoying is
they claim not much has changed but they live
underwater. That is a significant change." (thx
Abigail)
* BUS REVENGE - "Speeding fines are far too low
to act as a deterrent. Should be a 100 fine for
every mile per hour over the limit. If you can't
drive without speeding, you don't have the
emotional control to have a licence and should
get the bus." Best reply? "As a bus driver I
consider traffic calming to be one of my
ancillary duties. If I see a car coming down the
road too fast, I will pull out in front of them
anyway and make them slow down. A queue of cars
behind my bus is like a comet's tail to me, a
thing of beauty, and the longer the better."
(thx 1inhalfabillion)
* FACIAL HAIR - "Young men with inadequate
moustaches should be held down and shaved." Best
reply? "Young man Shave that thing off your face
I said - young man Your top lip's a disgrace"
(thx Nick Pettigrew)
OK, you know what to do, block the lot of them:
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to inspire you to make stuff
* KICKSTOPPER - a way of paying money to stop
things you don't like. Which at the moment is
two blokes on the tube having an outrageously
loud conversation and clinking beer bottles at
each other, whilst we write and write this
newsletter on the Northern Line.
* THE TERRIBLE SUBMISSIONS CHARTIES GET, INFO
DUMP - we once had a meeting with a major UK
charity who mentioned that they were
occasionally sent well-meaning songs from
supporters, including acoustic ballads from men,
explaining why female circumcision was bad.
We're just saying, please get this stuff to the
public, we want to hear it.
* THE CRAP POLITICAL MERCH MUSEUM - there's
never part of our brain wondering about the
"controls on immigration" mug the Labour Party
put out in their doomed 2015 election. We'd love
a whole museum of this stuff. Maybe there would
even be room for the Ed Stone.
Made a thing? In the words of Billy (J)URL,
"tell us about it"
https://b3ta.com/mailus
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *STOOBERT* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH*
*DAVID GREEN* *MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
Tom Dolan, Kate, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Matthew Wilkes, Tom Wright, Kev
Adams, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Ashens, Chris Evans, d@m0,
Dave Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek
Law, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich,
Greg Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton,
Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matthew
Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de Carteret, Nick
Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong, Ricardo
Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, the wub, Tim Jokl,
Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
Chef Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71, Jonty
Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben
Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford Lawrence, omnipiss,
Simon Balch, Claire Turner, Phil Lovell, Jon
Morris Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Roy Santos,
Phillip Spowart, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran,
John Daly, nevillebartos, Geoff Tidey, Ian
Walker, Leighton Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian
Parrott, Phil Bennett, Matt, Oni, Katie
Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Simon Howard, Kier
Fox, Peter Henningsen, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond,
Harri Bionic, mattcox303, Gerry Spencer, Patrick
Hudson, Richie Hindle, Robert van Dijk, Ian
Walker, Paul Martyn, John Davies, DrumGui76,
Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Mark
Arnold, ' da, and Zoe Trinder-Widdess.
Also thanks to the 76 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BS, CC, CS, CZ, DP, DE,
EN, GS, GF, IO, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF,
NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RC, RA, RM, RS, SC, SR, SW,
TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE, and BB.
You are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Zoe
Trinder-Widdess, ' da, Mark Arnold, DrumGui76,
Patrick Hudson, John Davies, Paul Pod, Tom
Loosemore, Gerry Spencer, and Harry Simpson.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: BONUS "PUBLIC SERVICE" FESSHOLE
"As a man in my 50s the main reason I masturbate
now is to try and lessen risk of prostate
cancer, rather than anything sexual." Best
reply? "I did fact check this before letting it
through the admin and I was delighted to learn
it was true and that I'm possibly spreading life
saving advice here. At worst it might be
correlation and not causation, so nothing to
lose, go on and have a wank." (thx Rob Manuel,
your editor, sticking this in because a wank
might save your life)
