NEWSLETTER: "B3TA SEES OFF EIGHTH PRIME MINISTER SINCE OPENING"
"B3TA SEES OFF EIGHTH PRIME MINISTER SINCE OPENING"
* SUBMIT YOUR WEBSITE - to the Tiny Awards
* MAKE A DRAWING - for 'free wifi'
* BUY A JOKE BOOK - and learn to write your own
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | going back in time and
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| killing AI as a baby"
B3ta newsletter 989, 4th July June 2026
Read newsletter to your enemies as a warning:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue989
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than sitting on their hands for a month
* DRAWING FOR WIFI - db123 writes, "I created an
open WiFi network in my area that gives people
internet access in exchange for a drawing. Even
a squiggle is ok. Submissions are then analysed,
given an arty title and description, and
exhibited in a po-faced online gallery. To date
I have received over 150 submissions and not a
single penis. Fully expecting and hoping b3tans
to change that." Nice, although these days us
B3tans are so old, we're drawing self-portraits
of pensioners, with Zimmer frames, with our
cocks out.
https://wifartgallery.com/
* SUBMIT YOUR WEBSITE TO THE TINY AWARDS - "Can
I please put in a request for a small plug for
this year's Tiny Awards? Nominations have just
gone live and we would love for B3tans to submit
their picks of their favourite (non-commercial,
artsy, dumb, funny, poetic)" websites of the
past 12 months." Fill your boots lads, submit
your own work, submit your friends' work, just
don't submit vibe-coded shite that has made us
feel a bit fed up and is one of the reasons this
newsletter is late. We need to collectively rise
above the lacklustre.
https://tinyawards.net
* MIKE RAMTON WRITES A JOKE BOOK - Mike writes,
"So Bad It's Good: The Art Of The Terrible Joke
- A big collection of jokes both old and new,
plus needlessly in-depth looks at where joke
formats come from, why they're in Christmas
crackers and so on." Our tip for writing jokes?
Pick a joke you like and change the nouns and
see if it still makes you laugh. E.g. "My dog
has no legs. How does it run? Like Microsoft
Windows" You see, we're geniuses and this is
easy.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/000878563...
* BAFFLING VISUALISER - lepetitg writes, "I just
made this - it's the PlayStation 1 Audio
Visualizer from the mid 90s, but in your
browser. Hope you like it." Not sure, as we
don't remember this visualiser, as we could only
afford ACIDWARP dot EXE in DOS, and playing C90s
loud and pretending it changed the graphics.
https://soundscope.greg.technology/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know it's clothing and stuff
Have you considered buying some new clothes?
There's a reasonable chance you're a man reading
this and you haven't bought any cool threads
from before Covid and really, you could look
sharper. It's time to look smart, turn over a
new leaf, sort out your look. Or if you're the
partner of a man like this, here's your present
list for their birthday /
coming-out-as-a-leopard day.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
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: FESSHOLE
We can't stop this shit and we don't want to
Occasionally we think yeah, this confessions
bollocks is all washed up and we should stop,
but then we look at what's coming in, and it's
all fine fine content, so we're never stopping.
Well not whilst there's over 150 submissions
coming in every day.
* WOOF! - "In the garden today, I broke wind
with such ferocity it caused next door's dog to
bark. This set up a chain reaction of at least a
dozen other dogs barking up and down the road.
That is the power of my fart over the
neighbourhood dogs; I am their leader."
* GRASS - "Used to have a garden landscaping
business. Posh woman hired us to landscape round
some new holiday lets. She stiffed us on payment
and blackmailed us with badmouthing if we didn't
roll over. I gave in but came round for a 'final
clear up' and planted Japanese Knotweed."
* WORD - "I've started asking people the thought
experiment 'are there more doors or wheels on
planet earth?'. I don't really care about their
answer, but the speed at which they ask ChatGPT
allows me to assess how much I care about their
thoughts and opinions on other matters."
Follow the account that only has followers
because, ok what lie shall we tell this week,
because people think it's the funny one that
subtitles R2D2s beeps with saying it naughty
words like "bottom" and "mammaries".
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Buy the book so we can get the Amazon pennies
from the affiliate scheme, and spend the profits
on bed slats for our broken bed, which broke
because of one of the nearly adult kids has been
bouncing on it. Well we assume that's what the
creaking that came from the bedroom was.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Websites to fax to your dead cat this week
* BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY - Field recordings
from every neighbourhood in New York. Proper
effort has been made with the quality and
variety of sounds chosen, which makes it an
enjoyable ramble through the plus-size Apple.
Someone should track down old recordings and
make a more exciting New York in the 70s
version.
https://cityofsound.nyc/
* CAN YOU PLAY SCRABBLE UNDER PRESSURE? The
train will travel along the track made of words
and you must place the letters before it runs
out of track and the ensuing crash is all your
fault. A bit wonky (not sure why the train goes
backwards), but fun nevertheless.
https://choochoowords.chyuang.com/
* DOMAIN SQUATTING ARCHIVE - An archive of
classic sites whose original locations are now
mostly being domain squatted by cunts. A good
selection, though there's a massive hole where
Goatse deserves to be.
https://theuselessweb.com/sites-we-lost/
* MESSAGES TO THE BIG COMPUTER OUTSIDE OUR
SIMULATION - 'hello outside' is a project to
talk to people outside this reality, although,
having checked the messages so far, we're mostly
sending them crap and spam.
https://hello-outside.com
* WHICH OF YOUR ONLINE CHUMS HAS DANGEROUS
INTERNET ADDICTION DISORDER? - Neat Bluesky tool
that tells you if your friends are online or
not, so you can hassle them in the DMs at four
in the morning like a normal person.
https://aim.cee.wtf/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Topical Games
Here's the best images from last week:
* 'MONKEON' is having thoughts about Mark
Zuckerberg and they're not that he should have
been arrested for his HotOrNot clone and then
fed to pigs.
https://b3ta.com/board/11429005
* 'OCTO' is hoping that it all works out with
this Andy Burnham thing, which we hope too, but
given the last run of Prime Ministers, cynicism
is easy to fall into.
https://b3ta.com/board/11428927
* 'AJRED' is riffing on what is going on between
Donald Trump and Iran, although he doesn't
mention our favourite theory that POTUS is a
massive Flock Of Seagulls fan.
https://b3ta.com/board/11428934
* See all the other images from the 'Topical
Games' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/topicalgames/popular
>> This week: Comedy Art <<
Let's pay tribute to our favourite comedy
characters and moments by Coreldrawing them into
famous artworks. Like the British Comedy Awards
did about twenty years ago.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/comedyart/popular
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
Time to put your opinions in the opinion bin
Do you like opinions? Why? Why the fuck would
you like opinions? Well, here they are made
tolerable by some snotty comments.
* NAMES - "Baffled by people who name their cars
- do they have a cutesy name for their fucking
fridge too?" Best reply? "Absolutely not. It's
always very formal, Mr Fridge." (thx Moose
Allain)
* GOD - "The shroud of Turin is obviously fake.
By all means believe in Jesus, but if you
believe in that shroud you have a problem." Best
reply? "It is a big coverup" (thx K_BLKM4N)
* LIES - "If there a bigger lie than 'We care
about your privacy' I'd like to hear it." Best
reply? "'we are experiencing higher demand than
normal...'" (thx tony)
Block everyone who replies to this account just
in case
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas squeezed out of our idea anus
* GOOD LIFE MASH-UP, celebrate the life of
Penelope Keith by making one of those 'rave
mash-ups' the cool kids like where you take the
Good Life theme tune and expertly mix it with
the Inner City classic.
* SUICIDE WATCH - your editor lives near a
bridge, locally known as "suicide bridge".
There'a list in things that people have
informally called suicide *something*. Suicide
doors also come to mind.
* AN ANTI PROCRASINATION/MOTIVATION MACHINE -
not sure how this will work, presumably it needs
to be your mother to lock you in the bedroom
whilst shouting "just start, just fucking start,
get something done" because we need it, and you
need it too.
Formalise your membership of B3ta by making
none-vibration projects and sending it to the
only newsletter of record.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE*
*STOOBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH*
*DAVID GREEN* *MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
BevS, Tom Dolan, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Tom Wright, Matthew Wilkes, Kev
Adams, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Chris Evans, d@m0, Dave
Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek Law,
Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich, Greg
Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton, Ivan
Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matthew
Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de Carteret, Nick
Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong, Ricardo
Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stuart Ashen, the
wub, Tim Jokl, Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron
Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Craig Turner,
fourstar71, Jonty Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen
Gaskell, Ben Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford
Lawrence, Simon Balch, omnipiss, Claire Turner,
Phil Lovell, Jon Morris Smith, Stuart,
Mellyfish, Roy Santos, Phillip Spowart, Daniel
Calvin, Rich Corcoran, John Daly, nevillebartos,
Geoff Tidey, Ian Walker, Leighton Stevenson,
Funny_Hat, Gillian Parrott, Phil Bennett, Matt,
Oni, Katie Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Simon
Howard, Peter Henningsen, Kier Fox, tom
yeoldeforge, C Bond, Harri Bionic, lucas seven,
mattcox303, Gerry Spencer, Patrick Hudson,
Robert van Dijk, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, Richie
Hindle, Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore,
John Davies, DrumGui76, and Mark Arnold.
Also thanks to the 78 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BG, BS, CC, CZ, DH, DP,
DE, EN, GS, GF, IO, JE, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM,
MB, MF, NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RT, RA, RM, RS, SC,
SR, SW, TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE,
and BB. You are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Mark
Arnold, DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson, John Davies,
Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry Spencer, Harry
Simpson, Paul Martyn, and Ian Walker.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "EGG" FESSHOLE,
"I once went to a car boot sale and bought what
I thought was a fancy egg whisk. Two years, and
many whisked eggs later, my new partner informed
me that it was not an egg whisk, but a head
massager." Best reply? "You failed to conduct a
proper whisk assessment" (thx Viva)
