NEWSLETTER: "A NEWSLETTER SO ELDERLY YOU GIVE UP YOUR SEAT ON THE TUBE AND IT SHOUTS AT YOU, 'I CAN STAND'"
* MEAT BABY - you're not ready to witness this
* TONY WILSON BACK FROM THE DEAD - sort of
* OOH, WE SOLD AN AD - 20% off hoodie with code
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | sending a time machine
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| back to kill baby Gopher"
B3ta fax-edition-newsletter 996, 28th Aug 2026
Shout this issue over Amen break whilst wanking:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue996
-------------------------------------------------
: BUY THE BEST HOODIE YOU'VE EVER OWNED
We're back in business mama, we've sold an "ad"
* THIS HOODIE IS A GOODIE - Brant from
'shortrundesign' has got in touch to tell us
about his hoodie that he's designed, to be the
least annoying hoodie ever made. He also sent us
one, and our 21 y/o old son has worn it almost
permanently for about a month, so it's a hit.
Special features include: a hood that stays up,
anti-bunching sleeves and a hidden zippable
pocket perfect for a passport and phone.
Discount code: b3ta20, gives £20 off and free UK
shipping.
https://shortrundesign.com/product/srd-hoodie-v1/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making 'spit tributes' to Thatcher
* MEAT BABY - Mike Trinder, our one-time B3tan
Question Of The Week setter writes, "My toddlers
had had a sloth shaped Easter egg, so I thought
I would surprise them by making a sloth jelly
using the packaging. For some reason I also
thought adding cream to warm strawberry jelly as
it set would be a good idea, until it curdled
and Meat Baby was born. They are 17 now and want
me to make it again for their birthday.
Honestly, it tasted really nice even if it did
look fucking awful." Worship your new God b3tas,
Meat Baby has risen.
https://bsky.app/profile/chthonicionic.bsky.social...
* A TRIBUTE TO TONY WILSON - Ricardo Autobahn
writes, "It's a very exciting day as it's the
release of the first new Cuban Boys single in
one million years. Older viewers might remember
us from ruining Xmas 1999 but we're back with a)
the voice of Tony Wilson b) the full support and
endorsement of The Tony Wilson Archive and
Tony's son Oli and c) this splendid lyrics video
made out of old Factory Records sleeves. We want
it to go viral so we can get on Mike Read's
Stupid Made Up Chart." He also tells us, "I
haven't mentioned this in the post but if you
want a newsletter exclusive we'll be doing a
session for Radio X in November, which is quite
exciting." Quite enjoyed this, partly as seeing
all the Factory Record designs in the video. We
need more people like Tony Wilson in the world.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_new_Cuban_Boys_single
* ZX SPECTRUM CORNER - MJ Hibbett of Validators
fame writes, "The Computing Museum in Finland
has been in touch to tell me they're playing
'Hey Hey 16K as part of an exhibition they're
doing, so thought you'd like to see these
pictures of our legacy in action." If B3ta has
one legacy it's this, we've helped Finland
consider rubbery keys a little more than it
might have already.
https://www.mjhibbett.co.uk/blog/showblog.php
* VOTE NOW IN THE TINY AWARDS - Matt Muir
writes, " We have our shortlist for this year's
Tiny Awards, and voting is now open for people
to pick their favourite to win a (very small)
prize. It's a cracking selection this year, even
if I do say so myself." Ok, we're voting for
'alive internet theory' purely on the good vibes
of the concept, B3ta is alive, if you squint a
bit.
https://tinyawards.net/vote/
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know, it's the buy the clothes bit
Hebtro make clothes designed for men, designed
to last and designed in the UK. They are, what a
kid at school once told us about his BBC Micro
"pricey, but worth it", so in the spirit of
Revs, Elite and Frak, get clothed by the people
who tolerate the slightly odd copy a B3ta
sponsorship generates.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
"Your fess is just the shart of it"
Every morning your B3ta editor wakes up and
sticks on his Fesshole editor hat, opens a huge
spreadsheet and reads 150 new fesses to pick 16
for publication, and then once a week, he looks
which fesses did numbers on BlueSky, bins most
of them, and picks out three he fancies sticking
in the newsletter. For more behind-the-scenes
chat, subscribe to our newsletter, oh you
already have, then tell your mum to sub. B3ta
needs mums.
* TIME WASTERS - "We've been 'house hunting' for
2 years. We dress well, book viewings for 1.5+
million houses, & nod thoughtfully while
discussing 'where we'll put the piano' while
eating the free artisan biscuits. We live in a
rented flat above a takeaway. We have 42 & a
Nando's gift card."
* THE G.O.A.T - "For 20+ years, whenever I have
to explain why I'm unsubscribing or cancelling
something online, I always say 'not enough
photos of goats eating ice cream'. I know it's
not likely, but I do hope at some point someone
had to add it to a presentation or a company
review."
* IS THAT YOU, MUM? - "It's an unspoken family
truth that my nan, now dead, was a bit of a
slag. Multiple affairs and one night stands in
her youth. Was on a job recently and the elderly
client I got chatting to recognised my surname.
He told me he'd fucked her in the toilet at a
Wimpy in the 70s."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistook it for the funny one
which posts the weirdest things people have
found in the street, and eaten, such as the
forbidden street olives we found on a public
bin.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Buy the only two books that'll still exist once
we've finished asking the AMSOFT AI 'JOYCE' to
make a virus that eats every book other than
ours. Thanks Alan.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Bits of the internet which we think are ok-ish
* HOW THE HECK TO RECORD PLAYERS WORK - old
technology now seems like magic to younger
people, given everything now works by being a
computer. Including your mum.
https://perthirtysix.com/how-the-heck-do-record-pl...
* ZALGO: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE VERY, VERY
UGLY - a deep dive on the terrible glitch font
that hipsters use on social media to make their
names look insane.
https://unsung.aresluna.org/zalgo-the-good-the-bad...
* THE LEAST GREAT, GREATEST HITS ALBUM - An
attempt to find the Greatest Hits compilation
with the least amount of hits on it. The fun is
in the side trivia, discoveries and thinking
through of what rules to apply, which you would
not have got if you'd prompted Magic Sam's LLM
to shit out an answer to the same question.
https://brokentv.uk/2026/08/26/the-20-least-accura...
* YOUR FILMS TO WATCH THIS WEEK - A low-brow
version of the virtual Criterion Closet from the
other week (same devs). In this case, you
wander around a Blockbuster trying to find
something not dross on the channels you
subscribe to. A genuinely better experience than
endlessly browsing the apps.
https://bingebrowse.net/
* MORE FUCKING PUZZLE GAME BOLLOCKS - A slightly
over-engineered W****e of the week (we don't
need 5 rounds a day!), but quite relaxing to
play nevertheless. Can you untangle all the
words from the Boggley grid?
https://wordknots.barapa.dev/
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Modern Day Greek Myths
Here's the best images from this week:
* Chris Barker has been visiting Ikea and
arguing with his wife
https://b3ta.com/board/11430621
* 'Blugg' has been thinking about old old memes
https://b3ta.com/board/11430529
* 'Monkeon' has scored a bullseye with this gag
https://b3ta.com/board/11430513
* See all the other images from the 'Modern Day
Greek Myths' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moderndaygreekmyths/popu...
-------------------------------------------------
: BEST ANONYMOUS OPINIONS
With the best replies tagged on, like tag nuts
Maybe you've been kicked in the head by a horse
and you like opinions, but we haven't, as we
prefer to huff lead fumes, and then enter the
Anon Opin zone.
* SOCIAL MOANING - "I find it weird and a bit
worrying when people post things like 'is the
Co-Op open?' in Facebook or WhatsApp groups.
Have they lost the ability to find out for
themselves? Did they ever have the ability to
find out for themselves? What the fuck is going
on?" Best reply? "I don't know, sorry." (thx
Matt Ollis)
* RICE MUSIC - "If like me you've spent years
trying to cook perfect rice then do yourself a
favour and buy a rice cooker. Complete game
changer and stunning rice every time, plus you
can buy one quite cheaply." Best reply? "If
you've spent years, you've definitely overcooked
it. Fifteen to twenty minutes at the most, I'd
say." (thx matt168)
* HUNGRY - "I went to Naples and had pizza. It
was fried in oil and it was amazing. The reason
British pizza from places like Pizza Express is
so crap is that they decided to bake it in an
oven. If they did the traditional Italian thing
and fried it in oil it could equal Italian
pizza." Best reply? "Scotland know how to fry a
pizza" (thx Sam)
It's good we stick all the opinions in one place
so you'll know who'll be first against the wall
once the revolution comes:
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW UPS
Yes, it's 'what happened next?' maybe fuck all
* WE ASKED JONTI 'WEEBL' PICKING HOW HIS GIG
WENT - and he replied "The Living Tombstone one
on Saturday was great. Full house, 1200 people.
And I joined the band on stage for their cover
of one of our tunes, Which they didn't tell me
till I got there. Oh and my kids saw me perform
for the first time ever." Nice, Top Of The Pops,
here Jonti comes.
* APOLOGIES TO CHRIS BARKER - for a typo calling
him 'Chris Baker' last week, like he's the
estranged husband of her from Bucks Fizz.
* KUNT AND THE GANG IS ON TOUR THIS DECEMBER -
apparently playing with ukuleles this time,
under the name 'Kuntford & Sons'. We still want
to form a supergroup with him called the
Travelling Kuntberries but also, it would be a
lot of work, so go see this instead.
https://bsky.app/profile/kuntandthegang.bsky.socia...
* LET'S PUT THIS WORD GAME AT THE BOTTOM -
Omrvieito writes, "I'm Olga, a reader and
designer who created Booky, a word game because
of my love for both worlds. Booky is the Wordle
for romantasy readers, five letters, six
guesses, same logic. The twist is that every
day's word is from an actual book, so the moment
you solve it, the game tells you which book it
came from. Solve DEVIL, meet the book that was
hiding it." We had mixed feelings about this, it
is a straight Wordle rip-off, and it's also
clearly a money making idea, as the end results
is an affiliate link to Amazon, plus behind the
scenes, authors can pay to stick their book into
the game. HOWEVER, there just is something
interesting about the idea of word game
producing a real world thing, each day like a
book, so we're mentioning it because sod it, you
might find that an interesting thought too.
https://90books.com/booky
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the psychic third eye
OK, sometimes we have loads of ideas for this
bit as we've made notes, all week, of all our
idle thoughts and other weeks we have fuck all.
So, to find inspiration today, we're going to
pick up random CDs from our pile of CDs and use
them to cook up potential projects. Fingers
crossed.
* DAVID BOWIE'S THE NEXT DAY - In 2013 Bowie
recorded a song called The Boss Of Me - so make
a digital tamagotchi where you're Bowie's boss.
"Stop eating all the red peppers and milk Dave,
it's weird." "We're not sure you're working from
home Dave, you appear to be taking drugs with
Iggy in Berlin. Again."
* THE STONE ROSES DEBUT LP - make a game where
you're playing audio clips of famous drummers
and you have to guess whether it's HE bangs the
drums, or SHE. Yes this is getting desperate but
we've got one more to do.
* KIRSTY MACOLL'S ELECTRIC LANDLADY - make a
website of album spoonerism titles that Kirsty
should use for her final album when he's Her who
returns instead of Jesus for the Rapture. Er..
we should have one here, nope, can't do word
play, fuck it, move on.
All you have to do is mail us, and maybe we'll
make you 'email famous' like all the cool kids
were in 2003:
https://b3ta.com/mailus
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*STOOBERT* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE*
*PHILBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH*
*DAVID GREEN* *MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
Tom Dolan, Kate, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Matthew Wilkes, Kev Adams, Tom
Wright, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, mattdawhit, Adam
Lloyd, ALFsplaining, Anna, Ashens, Chris Evans,
d_m0, Dave Tickle, David Catley, David Mills,
Derek Law, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain
Ruxton, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason
Stewart, Jim Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude
Evans, Kate Devlin, Lumphammer, Martin Peache,
matsimpsk, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris,
Nick Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong,
Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob
Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, the wub, Tim Jokl,
Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
Chef Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71, Jonty
Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben
Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford Lawrence, omnipiss,
Simon Balch, Claire Turner, Phil Lovell, Jon
Morris Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Roy Santos,
Phillip Spowart, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran,
John Daly, Geoff Tidey, nevillebartos, Ian
Walker, Leighton Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian,
Phil Bennett, Matt, Oni, Katie Steckles, Simon
Howard, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Kier Fox, Peter
Henningsen, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond, Harri
Bionic, mattcox303, Gerry Spencer, Patrick
Hudson, Robert van Dijk, Richie Hindle, Ian
Walker, Paul Martyn, John Davies, Mark Arnold,
Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore,
da.vidjam.es, Zoe Trinder-Widdess, and Jonathan
Ellinsfield.
Also thanks to the 76 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BS, CC, CS, CZ, DP, DE,
EN, GS, GF, IO, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF,
NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RC, RA, RM, RS, SC, SR, SW,
TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE, and BB.
You are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors:
Jonathan Ellinsfield, Zoe Trinder-Widdess,
da.vidjam.es, Mark Arnold, Patrick Hudson, John
Davies, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry Spencer,
and Harry Simpson.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: BONUS "HINGE" FESSHOLE
"I was on a date with a very nice looking guy.
He was mean and nasty to the nerdy waiter who
was serving us, obviously thinking it would make
me laugh or something. I didn't laugh. I dumped
him at the table and ghosted him. Been married
to that nice, nerdy waiter for 6 years now."
Best reply? "I'm sure your date would have been
nicer to the waiter if he had known that was
your husband." (thx Absurd Existentialist)
