NEWSLETTER: "OPENING THIS NEWSLETTER WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE* (*OUR STATS) BETTER"
* CRYPTIC CRYPTID CROSSWORD - fake animal puzzle
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Modern day Greek myths
* CRAP AMAZON - the reviews that is, the worst
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | remembering what [table
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| tags] are... together"
B3ta electro e-newsletter 995, 25th Aug 2026
Rap this issue in the gap for the guitar solo:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue995
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making mouth cocktails of oats & wee
* CRYPTIC CRYPTID CROSSWORD - Sir Matthew of
Round writes, "If you're into weird creatures
and word puzzles you'll love this, if you're not
you... er... might not?" Pleased to see Matt
working through a list of quick projects he can
get out the door, as he's been rather caught up
in a grand-opus one, which sounds amazing, but
is rather consuming his time.
https://vole.wtf/cryptic-cryptid-crossword/
* CRAP AMAZON REVIEWS - Lepetitg writes, "Hi! I
love slightly unhinged reviews on Amazon, and so
do other people who mark them as 'helpful'. I
made a site to see the most voted-helpful
reviews and worst products from Amazon." And a
shout out to one-time B3ta admin Mike Trinder,
who also mucked around with terrible reviews,
when it was all fields of databases around here.
https://bestsandworsts.greg.technology/
* YOUR B3TA REPLACEMENT 2.0 - Mark writes, "Hey
B3ta, I made Webernaut, a little human-curated
collection of weird, creative and generally
unnecessary bits of the web. I go wandering,
find things I like, write a few words about
them, and try to track down the people who made
them so visitors can disappear down further
internet rabbit holes." So that's us obsolete,
we thought it was AI that was going to make us
irrelevant, but no, it's Mark.
https://webernaut.com/weird-websites
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Do you like buying clothes? Well you're in luck
Hebtro sponsor B3ta, and this means we're
morally, financially and legally obligated to
say they're great - however we *mean* it too.
Hebtro make their clothes in the UK, designed to
last, and are perfect presents for men, because
men are hard to buy for, unless they want cheese
or booze again. Anyway, clothe the men in your
lives, or clothe yourselves, we're not judging.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
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: FESSHOLE
We ask for fesses, you supply them, and repeat
Each week we degrade social media further with
our fess shtick, and here's three that are
tolerable enough to republish in the newsletter
of record:
* TV TIPS - "I don't like my neighbour. Each
night I walked my dog down our street, I paused
outside their house and turned their TV off
through their front window with our spare
universal remote. One afternoon I came home to
find their TV out by the bins. We now have a new
bedroom TV"
* CATTY COMMENTS - "My cat doesn't actually sign
cards to family and friends. I sign it for him
because he can't actually write at all."
* IT'S A STITCH UP - "I've only ever owned 1
suit, which I bought 19 yrs ago. Wife is buying
me a new one. Asked her if she could buy 1
without the fake jacket pockets. She asked what
I meant. Showed her the pockets didn't open. She
pulled out the thread & opened them. 19 years
man, what an idiot."
Follow the account on Instagram so we don't have
to become one of those Tiktok wankers, dancing,
and pointing at fesses like a turbo nonce.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Buy the books because every time you buy a book,
there's one less Hilter in the world, and you
don't like Hitler do you? You do? Unsub from our
newsletter now, we think he's a rotten egg.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Internet bollocks that's fuck to do with us
* NIGEL FARAGE IN PARAPPA THE RAPPER - what
interested us about this, is how shoddy it
looks. Feels like people are deliberately
steering into a crap aesthetic to not look like
AI. The B3ta philosophy, shit is good, was
always right, you know.
https://b3ta.com/links/1633722
* CAN YOU MAKE A COMPUTER FROM A RUBBER BAND? -
in the 1960s people thought yes, and they
weren't wrong, so it's time to witness the first
(mechanical) home computer. Imagine a Beowolf
cluster of these things, you'd hurt your thumb.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* "BUTTON YOUR LIP BABY, BUTTON YOUR COAT" -
This designer steals the buttons of every
website he visits on the web, and this is his
collection. There's also a button thieving
browser extension should you want to start your
own hoard and trust installing such things.
https://anatolyzenkov.com/stolen-buttons
* YOUR LATEST DAILY GAME, YOU'LL PLAY ONCE AND
NEVER AGAIN - W****e of the week is a sort of
inverse Connections in which you must fit the
terms to the two categories they belong in. Must
be an absolute arse to write - the curse of
making these things daily.
https://www.playintersections.com/
* INTERNET HISTORY ROULETTE - Not a risky game
in which players take turn to reveal a random
item of their browsing history, but rather a way
of browsing the Wayback Machine for classic old
sites alongside Pop-Up Video style fact bubbles.
https://internethistoryroulette.com/
* DON'T BE WEIRD ABOUT THIS LADY, READERS -
Enjoyed this contestant on Mastermind who knows
as much about the carpet-like-materials used to
cover the seating on Transport For London
vehicles as your average B3tan.
https://bsky.app/profile/qagggy.bsky.social/post/3...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Launched this week: 'Modern Day Greek Myths'
Whilst we await Elon Musk's AI slop version of
The Odyssey, let's imagine what our favourite
creatures and characters from the Greek
mythology would get up to in "modern" times.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moderndaygreekmyths/popu...
FYI: We don't have any results for you from last
week as our newsletter and images challenges
have become out of sync, like a DJ trying to
beat-match between Sylvester's 'You Make Me Feel
Mighty Real' and a syphilitic llama.
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
Welcome to the bin where opinions go to die
If you ever fancy running an account where
people submit things, the trick is to pick
something people do anyway, i.e. people have too
many opinions, so yes technically they shouldn't
be encouraged, therefore we encouraged it.
This week we've matched them with the pop songs
we'd use as music beds, should this be a hit TV
show on Granada Men and Motors.
* PRODIGY: CHARLIE SAYS - "Charli XCX needs to
learn how Roman numerals work." Best reply? "Who
wants to know how Roman numerals work? I for
one." (thx Danny Franchetti)
* BANARAMA: I HEAR A RUMOUR - "Which rumour,
which through adult eyes is clearly ridiculous,
did you believe as a child. I'll go first - the
manager of our local cinema was sacked because
he was caught shagging his dog on site." Best
reply? "David Seaman ate so many almonds, he had
to have his stomach pumped. I *think* that was
it anyway." (thx Danny Franchetti)
* YES: CLOSE TO THE EDGE - "When you're a boy,
an infallible way to get a laugh and a shocked
reaction out of your mates is to do a very loud
or smelly fart. I truly believe a lot of 'edgy'
standup comedians have based their entire
careers on that impulse, only now they do it
with words." Best reply? "The reviews of Ricky
Gervais's cat show on Netflix are in" (thx
Freddy Woo)
Block this account, block all who follow it,
delete the app it is hosted on, just to be
certain.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened NEXT (to the FOR loop)
* LONG MUSIC PODCAST TO DO YOUR IRONING TO -
Centuries of Sound AKA Zuowan is still plugging
away on his extraordinary podcast and tells us,
"I think this is a Good One due to Exciting
Variety, also there's a blog post about the
Festival of Britain and Les Paul which may be of
interest. There are even a couple of funny bits,
considering this is a comedy-focused
newsletter."
https://centuriesofsound.com/2026/08/14/1951-part-...
BTW: Zuowan also writes "I am always tempted to
pick 'I don't read instructions, my email will
be deleted' for a laugh, but usually manage to
quieten the intrusive thoughts long enough to
pick the right one." Yeah don't pick that one,
it genuinely deletes stuff and we'll never see
it, First line defence against spam that's been
semi-working for 20+ years.
* BUY B3TAN's IMAGINARY FILM BOOK - Chris Baker
is plugging his books and tells us " I'm sending
books out and I've got some left over so I've
put up a site."
https://lostfilmsbook.store/
* THE MEXICAN LEXICON - Stephen Vickers writes,
"Johnny Vaughan does the Radio X with a feature
called 'Mexican Handbags'. He saw a load of
identical handbags on a beach in Mexico which
all had different designer logos on them. Aha,
that's 'The old Mexican Handbag', I.e it's
something that's obviously fake. Observations of
everyday life, expressed as 'the old', then a
place and an action or thing. Listeners send in
their own. There are thousands of examples on
the site and I'm adding more as they come out
each week. Completely unofficial, made it myself
for the hell of it."
https://themexicanlexicon.com
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to inspire to be 'newsletter' famous
* GOVERNMENT ALERT-O-TRON - a site for creating
those emergency mobile alerts, with the sound
blaring & message on the screen. "There's a very
high risk of |bad takes/racism/Mr Blobby with
his cock out| nationally" etc.
* L'AGENCE TOUS RISQUES - The A-Team in French
was called The Risk Agency. Make a definitive
website for what TV shows are called in
different countries - or at least the funny or
interesting ones - Britain's Got Talent is
probably "The Roast Beefs are Sexy" in France.
Maybe.
* MEASURE BFI INDEX - type in your height and
weight and it tells you whether you're an Alfred
Hitchcock or a Stan Laurel.
Get coding, make things, because you can make
the world better with creative work, plus what
else are you going to do? Talk to your family?
Fuck that shit.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*STOOBERT* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE*
*PHILBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH*
*DAVID GREEN* *MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
Tom Dolan, Kate, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Matthew Wilkes, Kev Adams, Tom
Wright, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, mattdawhit, Adam
Lloyd, ALFsplaining, Anna, Ashens, Chris Evans,
d_m0, Dave Tickle, David Catley, David Mills,
Derek Law, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain
Ruxton, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason
Stewart, Jim Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude
Evans, Kate Devlin, Lumphammer, Martin Peache,
matsimpsk, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris,
Nick Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong,
Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob
Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, the wub, Tim Jokl,
Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
Chef Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71, Jonty
Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben
Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford Lawrence, omnipiss,
Simon Balch, Claire Turner, Phil Lovell, Jon
Morris Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Roy Santos,
Phillip Spowart, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran,
John Daly, Geoff Tidey, nevillebartos, Ian
Walker, Leighton Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian,
Phil Bennett, Matt, Oni, Katie Steckles, Simon
Howard, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Kier Fox, Peter
Henningsen, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond, Harri
Bionic, mattcox303, Gerry Spencer, Patrick
Hudson, Robert van Dijk, Richie Hindle, Ian
Walker, Paul Martyn, John Davies, Mark Arnold,
Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore,
da.vidjam.es, Zoe Trinder-Widdess, and Jonathan
Ellinsfield.
Also thanks to the 76 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BS, CC, CS, CZ, DP, DE,
EN, GS, GF, IO, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF,
NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RC, RA, RM, RS, SC, SR, SW,
TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE, and BB.
You are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors:
Jonathan Ellinsfield, Zoe Trinder-Widdess,
da.vidjam.es, Mark Arnold, Patrick Hudson, John
Davies, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry Spencer,
and Harry Simpson.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "YUCK" FESSHOLE
"My husband's navel smells like yoghurt that's
gone bad. Such a shame, I love giving him head
but struggle being near the pit of doom" Best
reply? "Sounds like you have an activia sex
life." (thx Severin)
