NEWSLETTER: "DARLING, OPEN YOUR INBOX, YOUR INTERNET NEWSLETTER IS READY"
* TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - launched for your fingers
* AI SLOP - get ready to oink for it, piggies
* GET WELL SOON - Wishing well to Dave Bagpuss
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | writing down our fav URLs
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| in 'I Spy Websites'"
B3ta electronic e-newsletter 969 - 14th Nov 2025
Sing issue over jazz chords like Joni Mitchell:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue969
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their knobs sore from tugging
* GET DOWN ON ALL FOURS FOR YOUR AI SLOP -
woeindustries writes, "Hey this formerly
dumbdestroy7. Some people sure seem to love
watching AI slop. So we created the slop trough,
a digital trough that feeds you slop to your
heart's content, just as long as you turn on
your webcam and get down on all fours. Oink!
Oink!" This took us a while to get working, as
we had to use our laptop, so we could get into
the right position, and it's piggy being side on
rather than the front. Quite humiliating though,
so that made us laugh.
https://sloptrough.co/
* MATT ROUND PUBLISHING TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - Matt
writes, "Back in the '80s there were printed
mags of BASIC programs to type in, we've brought
that back but for web pages. 10 amazing games,
toys, puzzles and utilities, no coding knowledge
needed." We've ordered our copy, and looking
forward to spending all Christmas day typing
this in, and then crying and asking our dad for
help when we've typed it all wrong.
https://vole.wtf/doctype/
* LET'S PLAY 'STORAGE WARS' - willgrant writes,
"Have you ever gone past one of those "big box"
self-storage buildings and thought 'I wonder
what random tat is contained in there?' or even
'gods, I'd love to run one of those!'. If your
answer is 'yes' or 'sure, I guess' then boy have
I got a game for you."
https://wgx.github.io/storage-lords/
* ONION-BASED ROLEPLAYING GAME - Josh04 writes,
"For years I have been tormenting my friends
with 'the onion bit', a pseudo-party game about
becoming gradually angrier that no-one will let
you finish describing a recipe without being
interrupted. Now I've written it up in the
fashion of a one-page RPG so that people around
the world can learn to fear the words 'step one:
you take an onion.'"
https://josh04.itch.io/step-one-you-take-an-onion
* LISTEN TO 'SGT PEPPER DEATH MONTAGE BLOKE'
TALK TO A BLOKE PRETENDING TO BE A SPACE BIN -
Chris Baker writes, "My Binface podcast should
be out in time to make the newsletter. Exactly
ten years to the day since I made the first Sgt
pepper montage." Excellent news, we'll stop
listening to our daily diet of world-is-doomed
podcasts about the rise of facism and pivot to
pouring the works of Baker into our ears.
Hopefully he'll not mention anything alarming
like Charlie Kirk being the reason he's calling
this project quits at ten years.
https://shows.acast.com/trash-talk-with-count-binf...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy clothes from our lovely sponsors Hebtro
Do you wonder why your skin is covered in cuts
and bruises? Do you wish there was a way to stay
warm in the winter months? Well Hebtro have the
answer: they'll cover your precious and easily
damaged skin with the innovative concept of
"clothes". They're all made in the UK, to the
highest standards and built to last. Buy some
now, for yourself or as gifts for the men in
your life who are difficult to buy for. They'll
always enjoy the sturdy gift of clothes.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Fesses fessed up like fesshole fess
Each week you shit lies into a bin and we fish
around in this bin and pull out a few for social
media going "does this smell weird to you?" Some
good ones include:
* MAMAPROPISMS - "My mum just said to me 'You
should be hung like a horse'. When I challenged
her over saying such a thing, it transpired that
she thought it was a punishment horses got.
Turns out she's been incorrectly using the
phrase since the 90s in various settings"
* LEARNED HELPLESSNESS - "This is going to sound
made up but it's not. My girlfriend told me this
morning, she doesn't like the way I wash up and
I'm not allowed to do it anymore. Result."
* HOW IS BABBY FORMED? - "Until I was 14, I
thought that women were tired when pregnant
because they had to concentrate on building the
tricky bits of their baby's body. I always
assumed that eyes would be really hard. 5 kids
now. Very tiring. No idea how to build an eye."
Let's big up the link to the BlueSky version
this week as we're on the exciting cuspy number
of 99k followers, although growth on that
platform is like anal fungus, so it'll probably
be another month before hitting the century.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social
Ah fuck it, we've written a blob about Bsky and
now realise it would be better to link to
Facebook as we could big up the automatic 'best
of' that posts every Saturday, as we're now late
on the newsletter and writing some of it on the
weekend, like Billy Liar, not dealing with his
suitcase full of calendars.
https://www.facebook.com/fesshole/posts/pfbid0VVU9...
TICKETS! We're doing an Anon Opin show(s) this
week in London, do come to that. Plus also for
sale are Leicester, Leeds and Sweden. And just
announced LUTON! Liverpool was last week and we
fucking loved that show coz we built new tech to
run it and were able to get in more crowd work
than ever, with nearly 50 contributions from
people in the room.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books, buy both so you can have strong
opinions on red versus yellow. The red one is
probably more iconic as it's the early years
maaaan, but the yellow one has more break
out/sidebar bits where we fucked around, so
there is that.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Websites on the internet for you to "click"
* HOW TO CHEAT AT BEING ED MILIBAND - Nerd
project of the week is this Rubik's Cube solver.
As always with these things, you're probably
best just watching the video unless you have
your Cubs geek badge and can follow the spec.
https://github.com/vindar/SARCASM
* TRAFFIC COP - Pretend you work in a traffic
control room by watching road cams from around
the world. You can set it to a specific country
should you want to increase your chance of an
incident with a kangaroo.
https://trafficvision.live
* RUINING COUNTRY MUSIC TROPES, ONE AT A TIME -
A super cut of fifty times country singers have
sung "ice cold beer". Presumably this cliche
will never happen again, or alternatively it'll
just encourage them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS - Someone's uploaded a
poor quality video of one of the Big Night Out
original live shows: the legendary shows Vic &
Bob were making before they did the TV. A holy
grail for some comedy fans and also it's
interesting to be reminded of the time when Vic
Reeves was the star turn, rather than Bob
Mortimer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* READ SOME OLD DANCE MUSIC MAGAZINES - On the
off-chance any b3ta readers were the cool kids,
here are scans of every issue of Muzik magazine.
Look at everyone off their tits in the 90s and
remember they're now 50-something with bad
knees, many of whom will be voting Reform at the
next election.
https://www.muzikmagazine.co.uk
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
TV Out Of Time, results
We asked you to show us how TV shows would look
if they'd been made at a different time in
history, whether that's a 1990s version of The
Traitors, or Vera Lynn performing her 1939 chart
topper on Top of The Pops. Suggested by brb.
Some of the ones that amused us included:
* 'The Twisted Omentum' ruining our mission to
try and get through a newsletter without
mentioning terrible US politics:
https://b3ta.com/board/11422734
* 'The Porcupine From Purgatory' coming up with
a pretty good idea for an episode of Quantum
Leap that no one would dare make
https://b3ta.com/board/11422599
* And we enjoyed the simple directness of this
joke from 'laplandes'
https://b3ta.com/board/11422575
Check out all the images and we promise we'll
have a new challenge up soon:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tvoutoftime/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups and general bitty bits
* A LETTER FROM DAVID ATTENBOROUGH - If you
remember a few weeks back we featured old B3tan
Quentin Devine's artwork which he was auctioning
to raise money for charity. Quentin tells us,
"So happy and honoured to have received a
hand-written letter from the great man himself!
Plus he signed one of my A3 prints." Prints
available should be looking for Christmas
presents for b3tans.
https://www.quentindevine.com/attenborough_letter....
* UPDATE ON BARKER'S SGT PEPPER BOOK - Chris
Barker is still pimping his book Kickstarter and
has made this entertaining video about the
various nonces and wronguns who've died in the
last decade and how he's included them in his
montages. Buy his book and shut him up please.
Currently at about £1,200 off funding, so maybe
you can help push him over the cliff.
https://bsky.app/profile/christhebarker.bsky.socia...
* BUY YOUR FRANKENSTEIN ART FOR CHRISTMAS - Matt
Round reminds us "has happytoast asked you to
promote his Frankenstein pic? He's trying to
rustle up orders by Monday."
https://bsky.app/profile/happytoast.co.uk/post/3m5...
* DAVE BAGPUSS UPDATE - poor old Dave has been
in the wars with heart problems, and he brings
this update from hospital and we promise not to
hassle him too much to fix the Fesshole code
that posts on Facebook whilst he recovers.
Interesting thread where he explains exactly
what is wrong with his ticker.
https://bsky.app/profile/bagpuss.org/post/3m5hi64x...
* VAGINA MUSEUM SENDS B3TA FREE SWAG - thanks to
the lovely ladies at the Gash Gallery (Labia
Library? Vulva Vault?) who've sent us a teatowel
with vulval words on it. You can buy your own if
you follow the links and get money off with the
cheat code: quim.
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:hpjse36yorgmic7iv...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea gullet
* A RIVAL TYPE-IN MAGAZINE CALLED 'VIEW SOURCE'
- to kick off a bitter Crash/Your Sinclair style
feud with DOCTYPE.
* A CASSETTE VERSION OF THE TYPE-IN MAGAZINE -
where the type-ins are read out by Leslie Judd.
* RADIOHEAD TO RELEASE THEIR NEXT LP AS AN
EXCLUSIVE TYPE-IN - across approx 500,000 unique
issues and the fans have to co-ordinate to type
it all in and hear the MP3s. Yep, it's going to
be a massive hex-loader one.
Maybe you have some ideas that aren't about
type-in magazines, make sure you tell us.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Quince time - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic. OK, newer thanks to
Robert van Dijk, Richie Hindle, Ian Walker &
Paul Martyn.
Remember you TOO can contribute to the Patreon,
it means your editor can write this damn thing
nearly every Friday for 24 years.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY" FESSHOLE
"For 10 years my lovely dad stockpiled posh wine
my brother posted to him in lieu of spending
time with him. Dad is now dying of cancer so
can't drink. I just made a bolognese with an 80
quid bottle. Might use one for a sangria. He'd
have rather had your company, you useless cunt."
