NEWSLETTER: "'WHERE WE'RE GOING, WE DON'T NEED RHODES' - ANDY TO JOHN ON STARTING THE POWER STATION"
* MODEM SOUNDS - Squeeeeeeaakkkkkk bop bop beep
* NEW YORKER CARTOON GAME - can you guess the year?
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - genrebend your books
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | rebooting the internet
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| clock to 2001... together"
B3ta e-newsletter-mail-email 954 - 14th July 2025
Read this issue on your wank shrine to Thatcher:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue954
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their eyelids fat
* INTERNET PHONE BOOK - kristoffer writes, "i
made an internet phone book. it sold out. but
now we are reprinting it. can i call your help
for promotion for when we are ready with the
reprint! the book itself is written in html and
css and sent to the printer using ctrl+p." Sorry
Kris, we don't run a service where we have a
calendar going for sticking things in the
newsletter later, it's when you email it in or
never. Still, it looks like a fun project, and
there's an option on the website where you can
register your email for interest when it's
launched. So do that, readers.
https://internetphonebook.net/
* INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION TRACKER -
shkspr.mobi writes, "I built a silly thing which
lets you look up the position of the
International Space Station via the command
line. It is both big and clever to abuse obscure
DNS records." Nice, next let's have a project
where you can ping Voyager?
https://shkspr.mobi/blog/2025/07/get-the-location-...
* ANTI SOCIAL MEDIA COMIC - designthinkingcomic
writes, "Hello! I draw a weekly webcomic called
'Design Thinking!' about being a
designer/creative person in our increasingly
Tech-ruled world. Was hoping I could pimp my own
newsletter in your newsletter and help keep
people off horrible social media sites." Sorry
mate, looks like we're stuck with social media,
the only winning move is to invent a time
machine and kill the baby Facebook.
https://designthinkingcomic.substack.com
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You need some clothes, so buy some ok?
Hebtro make lovely clothes, built to last and
made in the UK to the highest quality. Unlike
the type of crap available in most online stores
which is produced using borderline slave labour.
Shop ethically, or don't, but you have to live
with your decisions.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up
We were recently listening to The La's and
watched a few videos of Lee Mavers saying his LP
was crap and it made us think we shouldn't write
negative stuff about Fesshole because we find it
a bit funny to do so. Maver's campaign to sell
his LP going "it's shit" is so obviously flawed
because it only works on people who've already
listened and gone "oh this is great, cheer up
Lee" whereas others go, "oh it's crap is it? I
won't bother." This is why Oasis saying they
were the best band in the world was a better
idea. Anyway, Fesshole is the best social media
account in the world and we're proud of it.
* EGG - "My husband has shaved his head in
solidarity with me as I go through cancer
treatment. However, had he actually listened to
the doctor at my last appointment, he'd know
that my hair probably won't fall out and he
looks like an egg for no reason."
* MATRIX - "One of the guys in my team is a big
conspiracy theorist and has mooted the idea that
we are all living in a computer simulation.
Whenever we have a Teams call I take my watch on
and off several times, off camera, hoping to
convince him that he is seeing a glitch in the
matrix."
* SPIDER - "Earlier this week I considered being
that guy and speaking to my son's school about
some of the stuff he's being taught; namely the
existence of feminist spiders. Glad I didn't, as
long story short, he can't pronounce the word
venomous properly."
Follow the account that's on threads, instagram,
bluesky, mastodon and that other one with AI
Hitler on it, we truly live in the worst
timeline.
https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
Come to the shows. It's LEEDS next then
Liverpool, Diss and Worthing. They are fun
shows, do come, you'll have a good time and your
editor likes hanging out in the bar afterwards
and chatting bollocks so you can quiz him about
why he didn't front page your terrible jokes in
2003 or whatever.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books which are also great, because one
of them is red and the other is yellow, in
tribute to the Leeds goth band Red Lorry, Yellow
Lorry.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
MechaMrBronson's Bookmarks
* TYPE INVADERS - Novel little typing game where
you play dodgeball by tapping the letters to
move around the screen. For people who took
their Mavis Beacon as seriously as their
Asteroids.
https://managore.itch.io/daniel-linssens-typing-ch...
* CAN YOU COUNT UNDER PRESSURE? This week's 'dle
asks you to guess how many people are in the
photos. Judged by AI doing the face recognition
stuff it's good at, rather than the getting high
on predictive text and generating bollocks that
it's increasingly best known for.
https://crowdle.xyz/
* HOW OLD ARE THESE CARTOONS - Finding a big
data pile of attractive JPEGs first and turning
them into a quiz second is a decent approach to
coming up with a web game. The New Yorker has
done that with this game in which they've made
Chronophoto with their cartoons. An excuse to
look at some nice old cartoons, as much as
anything.
https://www.newyorker.com/puzzles-and-games-dept/l...
* A HISTORY OF MAC SETTINGS - a nerdy in-depth
thing that doesn't use screenshots. Instead it
has a load of emulators running MacOS/X/NeXT and
there are games and easter eggs to find.
https://aresluna.org/frame-of-preference/
* DIAL UP MODEM SOUNDS, FROM 300 BPS TO 56K -
you have to watch this with the subtitles on,
it's the most charming description of robot
bloops ever written.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* STOP ROBOTS STEALING YOUR STUFF - in this
world where AI bots are slurping up all the
content to make more terrible content, here's
how to stop them.
https://bsky.app/profile/guydupont.bsky.social/pos...
You know how to email us: use the form, Luke.
http://b3ta.com/mailus
BTW: If you want some respite from *gestures
around at stuff* we'll tell you what we really
enjoyed today: listening to a few episodes of
season 4 of Alan Partridge's From The Oasthouse.
It's an utter joy and a reminder of what comedy
can do: make you laugh and temporarily forget a
darker world.
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: THE B3TA MAIL BAG
You email in crap - we print it
* DH-SMELL - TomsFakeEmail writes, "I took a
picture of the biggest, smoothest shit I'd ever
done. Seriously it was like Godzilla's tail - I
shit you not (pun intended). I was going to
submit it to the b3ta newsletter, but my wife
made me delete the picture. Sorry." Looks like
your wife made the right decision, we really do
not need to see your poos. But feel free to send
in a photo of your wife.
* ADVOCACTEA - Tea-Drinker sent in a very
rambling note which we won't make you read, but
the crux of it was advocating for Typhoo tea
over Yorkshire, which is clearly trollish
nonsense as Typhoo is piss-weak tea for people
who only buy it coz it's often on offer in
Iceland and you get a lot of bags for your
money. But it's a false economy, and we know,
because we're currently working our way through
a big box of it and hating ourselves. UPDATE: As
of going to press we've been to M&S and got some
extra strong tea-bags. Nice. We'll save the
Typhoo for guests that we hate.
If you want to send us a missive, then you know
where the form is, Luke.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on previous stories
* EPISODE OF THE PULL UP CHALLENGE - Pig Face
Turnips writes, "Probably mainly of interest to
those into pull ups or following 'the
challenge'" We're weirdly gripped by this and
wish we could do one pull up ourselves, but
we're old internet men, more used to pulling
muscles.
https://b3ta.com/links/Ep_2_of_The_One_Pull_Up_Cha...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Disco challenge results
For some reason we decided to do a disco
challenge, probably a tribute to our favourite
crisps, we forget now, but some of the best
images include:
* These titans of 1970s TV secretly being the
BeeGees - thanks 'Octo'
https://b3ta.com/board/11418892
* 'Ya What' did a YMCA joke
https://b3ta.com/board/11418840
* And we'll give a little big up to 'plankton'
as we were almost pleased to see this lady, yes
she was terrible but by being followed by Boris
& Truss, she's less bad by comparison
https://b3ta.com/board/11418867
See all the images from the B3ta Disco
challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/disco/popular/
And of course we've got a new challenge up for
genre-swapping books and yeah, we're not meant
to pick favourites but it's going better than
the Disco challenge so get clicking and join in:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/genreswapbooks/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas which we've had this week, use them
* HYPOCRYPTOCAL BLOG - We noticed that Simon's
Cat has gone to the shit coin dark side. So take
screen grabs of minor shitty celebs / brands
that have gone all in on crypto - plus a bit of
raging how they"re cunts, and have let down the
Internet community of animated cat fans
* IS THIS CANCER OR JUST A LUMP? - the new hit
quiz from the now quite old team at UsVsTh3m.
(We're fine btw, it WAS just a lump.)
* BRIGHTON BOYCOTS THE SPECTATOR - seeing as the
glossy Der Stürmer has threatened to bomb
Brighton we're hoping the residents could
organise a boycott like how Liverpool did with
the Sun. Words should have consequences.
If you make stuff then you should tell us about
stuff because b3ta is read by the illuminati.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (At last - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "WASTING POLICE TIME" FESSHOLE
"My wife's gone away for a fortnight in the sun
so I've decided to re-pave my patio; it'll give
the neighbours something to talk about. Nosey
cunts"
