NEWSLETTER: "MAKE YOUR OWN CHATGTP 5 BY DRINKING FOUR LITRES OF BIN JUICE AND SHOUTING AT A PIGEON"
* IMPROVE NEWS - with the solution of wolves
* VOTE NOW - in the Tiny Website awards
* B3TA RADIO - Remember that? Found old episodes
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | relaunching Ceefax
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| as a WAP site for Nokia"
B3ta e-mail mail news 956 - 11th Aug 2025
Read-rap this issue pretend to be Neil Tennant:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue956
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making unflushable brown sausages
* "I HAVE A SOLUTION: WOLVES" - this is a
throwaway mini project from your editor,
responding to a social media post where best
blogger of his class Terence Eden mentioned that
suggesting wolves as a solution improves many a
headline. So here it is, some shit code that
improves all websites. You don't really need to
install it, you can laugh/cry at the examples
and then move on.
https://robmanuelfuckyeah.substack.com/p/ive-got-a...
* VOTE IN THE TINY AWARDS - Matt Muir and chums
run an award for the best small/hobbyist website
of the year and this year asked your editor to
be one of the judges. He spent a whole morning
looking at about 170 websites, and now it's your
turn. 10 have been selected by averaging the
judges opinions so you can select the final
winner.
https://tinyawards.net/
* B3TA RADIO, SIX EPISODES FOUND - Jay Crush
asks, "I was just reading this week's email and
for no reason had a vivid memory of the B3ta
radio show. I downloaded it on dialup aged about
13 and it took all day. Can it be downloaded
anywhere?" Not all of it, as it's been lost to
the ether, but B3ta reader Chris 'Eggpod' Shaw
has found six old episodes on an old PC. So if
you can be arsed, get ready to be transported
back to 2003 where we accidentally invented
podcasts and then forgot we'd done so, and thus
failed to capitalise on it. Warning: no idea
what these are like as we can't be arsed to
listen to them, so if they're randomly offensive
don't whip up a storm on Friends Reunited and
get us cancelled for whatever bollocks we were
saying back then.
https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fo/fecrd6jafrifg0feog2...
* YET ANOTHER FUCKING WORD GAME - Aron writes,
"Hey b3ta! It's me, Aron again, with YET another
word game. If you still don't hate us, I'd be
glad if you tried my latest game, WordSlide.
Nothing crazy but I like the mechanics."
http://playwordslide.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes ok?
If you're a bloke, you're probably crap at
buying clothes and are currently dressed in
whatever is cheap at ASDA. This is fine and all,
but if you want to look a bit more on top of
your shit, then buy stuff at Hebtro. All built
to last, made in the UK and ideal as presents
for yourself or any of the men in your life who
are currently nude or wearing rags.
https://hebtro.co/new/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Fesses fessed up for moderate entertainment
Each week we ask you to fib into a bin and swill
out of a few to post on Bluesky, Facebook,
Threads, Instagram, Mastodon and one other whose
name we forget, reaching a total of nearly 1.5
million accounts, and some of them aren't even
bots. Some of the less shit ones this week
include:
* YOU'RE KIDDING ME - "I tell my boss I can't
join 9am Zooms because of the school run. My
kids are 17 and 20. The school run is me walking
to the bakery and eating a croissant in the
car."
* DAVE HILL - "I once lied on a first date and
said I loved hiking. Now I'm three years into a
relationship where I spend weekends pretending
not to want to die on a hill."
* NORN IRON - "I am an Englishman in a
relationship with a Northern Irish lady.
Recently my 10 year step son asked us what a
prostitute was. We decided to be honest and tell
him straight, it's people who sell themselves
for sex. He was horrified. He meant protestant."
Follow the account that only has followers
because it sounds like a clever pun if you're
French.
https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
Buy tickets to the live shows that's partly an
excuse for your editor to indulge his love of
staying in Premier Inn hotels and snaffling down
too many sausages for breakfast.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Ah fuck it, buy the books. This link in theory
should take you to both of them, or any other
books who've stolen our title, should you want
to take advantage of that, and use it to publish
a rival book about donkeys.
https://amazon.co.uk/s
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Your 'Yore Computer' type-ins this week
* CAN YOU SORT TIME? Whilst not the most
original concept, this event-ordering game is
loads better than most others we've seen due to
carefully hand-picked questions, strong UX, and
no attempt to monetise with annoying ads.
https://chronoodle.com/
* RECIPE INGREDIENT QUIZ - Instead of the usual
wall of SEO text to not read, this food site has
decided to pop a W****e between you and the
recipe. Can you guess all the ingredients?
Slightly buggy, but building up your recipe book
over time is a nice feature.
https://www.foodle.fun/
* DICTIONARY CORNER - This site has been
scanning Bluesky posts to try and find an
example of every word in the dictionary
appearing in a skee... post. Will Self seems to
have sensibly fucked off from social media, but
hopefully this challenge will tempt him back.
https://www.avibagla.com/blueskydictionary/
* THE BIRTH OF JOKES - Deep dive on the origin
of the joke where the doctor says "can I have a
sample?" and the patient says "not from here".
Next week can we find out who did the "smell the
cheese" and then punching someone gag first?
https://www.dirtyfeed.org/2025/07/from-here/
* BIRTHDAY SIMULATOR - experience the joy of
having a birthday via social media. Entertaining
but doesn't include the bit where you unfriend
them all in a sulk.
https://channel.jaryddiamond.com/birthday-simulato...
* "I SAVED A PNG TO A BIRD" - turns out you can
store data in an animal, by playing computer
data to an excellent mimicking bird. Hopefully
uploading won't produce a parity error.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Biscuits II
Here's the best images from last week, for our
second challenge on biscuits, as we did it
before years ago.
* 'Plankton' has Shatnered our preconceptions
with this gag
https://b3ta.com/board/11419808
* 'AJRed' has been making gags about Britain's
second worst biscuit, the worst being, since you
ask, is Rich Tea
https://b3ta.com/board/11419842
* 'Happytoast' has been thinking "and I'm so
hungry I could wolf"
https://b3ta.com/challenge/biscuitsii/popular
* See all the other images from the 'Biscuits
II' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/biscuitsii/popular
>> This week: Literal Movie Titles <<
Film titles often don't conjure up the movie you
expected - The Elephant Man didn't even have a
trunk. Show us what films could have been if you
took their titles more literally.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/literalmovietitles/popul...
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* READERS WIFIS - in projects we've never done,
about 20 years ago we thought we'd compile a
list of funny names people had called their
wireless internet.
* THE WELLER UPGRADE POINT - Our Paul Weller
theory is that he actually became a better
songwriter in the 90s as someone sat him down,
maybe a producer, and told him not to stuff so
many words per second into his songs. He always
had the talent, but suddenly he wasn't gabbling
and the stuff flowed better. Use data science to
work out the exact point where this happened.
* LIVED EXPERIENCE - submit "I raw dogged a
wank" to the Guardian
Now, it is time for you to make things and email
us about them.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Carpet time - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: BONUS "KINDA BAD BUT FUCK IT, PUBLISH" FESSHOLE
"Years ago my mate accidentally knocked his 8ish
yo son unconscious playing football, and tried
paying my son £100 to take the blame. My fess is
that I helped him negotiate £200 and a happy
meal on the way home from A&E."
