NEWSLETTER: "NEWSLETTER ACCEPTS KNIGHTHOOD DESPITE DESCRIBING HOUSE OF LORDS AS 'SMELLING OF PISS'"
* GAME - Incredibly Shrinking Goalie
* KUNT AND THE GANG - Foul song, shock
* CHALLENGE - De-Americanise Movies, results
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by telling cats & dogs
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| that websites still exist"
B3ta e-newsletter-e-mail 948 - 23rd May 2025
Read this issue to an AI version of your dead pets:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue948
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making fart noises on their forearms
* INCREDIBLE SHRINKING GOALIE - Matt Round has
made a new game where you play a football goalie
and you get smaller and smaller and smaller.
It's like a metaphor for keeping internet
projects going whilst the cash coming in gets
lower and lower and lower.
https://vole.wtf/goalie/
* SIMPSONS KOPYRIGHT LIBERATION FRONT - Bagpuss
writes, "I made a new thing. Hourly Simpsons is
a Bluesky account that posts a random frame from
a random Simpsons episode (until season 15) on
the hour, every hour. I think it's quite cute."
Makes us imagine a horrible version of this
where it's mashed up with captions from
something else, what would be good? Fesshole
confessions?
https://bsky.app/profile/hourlysimpsons.bagpuss.or...
* 50 THINGS YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT TO STOP YOU
DOING YOUR BEANS - Kunt and the Gang writes,
"Inspired by Godley and Creme's Cry and Michael
Jackson's Black or White, this is our shallow
fake video to help anyone suffering from
premature ejaculation." Certainly looking at
Kunt's face is not stopping us from orgasming,
in fact just the opposite.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* BECOME A GENIUS IN A YEAR - mikeisbrill
writes, "I have written another book for
children. It's published by Harper Collins
Children's Books and will take any child from a
run-of-the-mill, intellectual civilian to a
full-on cerebral powerhouse capable of
absolutely anything. It's pretty much a bumper
book of facts with a few basic magic tricks and
a bunch of enjoyable self-aggrandising thrown
in. It's excellent and everyone should buy it."
Go on, buy Mike's book, if only because he's
been posting on B3ta for 20 odd years and has a
lovely red beard like your own pet Viking to
show for it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/000875618...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes to end your nakedness
Hebtro makes clothes and sponsors B3ta. So we
mention them every week and tell you that their
clothes are designed to last, are made in the UK
and are worth the few quid extra that they cost
because fashion shouldn't be fast. Also you
probably will get lots of attention by looking
really cool.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up like Death vomiting bones
Each week you spin your lies into a Google form
and the cops ask Google to share the IP
addresses of the dodgier ones and we publish the
others:
* CHEATING ON MY WIFE - "When my wife is away I
let our cat stay out all night. It's a kind of
understanding we have. He gives me a little look
and I'm like yes buddy go for it. I see him in
the morning at breakfast - none the worse for
wear. Then when she's back he stays in overnight
again."
* TICK TICK TICK BOOM - "I've automated a
process at work that a colleague had been doing
manually because they are on annual leave and I
could not be arsed with it. How this affects
their employment when they return might be
awkward."
* PROBABLY TRUE - "Photographer here. I do a few
weddings. Every time I take a picture of an
over-80, I frame it so it will look great on
their coffin. Quite a few have ended up there
over the years, I've been told."
Follow the account that has more followers than
Simon Le Bon, and is just as likely to have done
nothing good since 1985:
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
* COME TO THE SHOWS: Leeds - Hifi Club - 24th
July, Diss - Corn Hall - 10th Sept, Worthing -
Factory Live - 15th Oct, Liverpool - Hot Water
Comedy - 12th Nov. Do come, coz we like doing
live shows, it means your editor can see bits of
the country he's not seen before and have a few
pints with strangers. That's the point of doing
gigs isn't it? It is for us anyway.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And you might as well buy the books that some
random fucker on Amazon has said, "all carefully
curated that it never gets too dark, and will
normally raise a smile", same about your mum
mate.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your 'peeks and pokes' for Netscape.BAS
* EXPERIMENTAL DRUM MACHINE TIME, NO, COME BACK
THIS IS GOOD - This site promises 10,000 drum
machines. Thankfully it's not just AI churning
out endless badly-coded ones, though the artisan
approach does mean they've only managed eight so
far, the typing one being the best. Love this.
https://10kdrummachines.com
* OLD INTERNET SEARCH ENGINE - Would you like to
surf the ancient web? Well given you're reading
B3ta, it's not unlikely. To shit on our own
doorstep, we've got mixed feelings about old
internet nostalgia - if you think the web is
crap now, then make some good stuff ok? Be the
change you want to see maaaaan.
https://wiby.me/
* REALISTIC THIN WHITE DUKE SIMULATOR - Why not
pretend you're David Bowie in The Man Who Fell
To Earth by watching this wall of TVs
livestreaming from around the world whilst
getting utterly bladdered in your long johns.
https://tvwall.live/
* GLOBAL WARMING IS FUN OK - Lean into your
climate anxiety with this meditation app
designed to make you come away feeling even
more hopeless about the world. Maybe this time
THE SATIRES will make a difference.
https://oilwell.app/
* BABY CRAWL - The Japanese are now racing
little-uns. Good for them: everyone should race
babies, they're not hard to beat.
https://b3ta.com/links/Racing_from_Japan_pick_your...
* CHARACTER MODE ARCADE GAME - This text mode
scrolling shooter is oddly beautiful - it's
basically Xevious rendered on a typewriter.
Can't truly do justice to this whole project
here but if you want to go down a rabbit hole,
there's 11 or so retro games by the same author
and all have interesting details.
https://bbcmicro.co.uk/jsbeeb/play.php
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
De-Americanise Movies
In pure numbers one of our more popular
challenges of recent times, with 130 entries,
maybe the anti-American sentiment hits a nerve.
This newsletter has always been distinctly
British - not in a Nigel Farage kinda way - but
more that it's more interesting to make stuff
that genuinely is part of our own culture,
rather than being a version of ourselves that
might sell in America. Notting Hill is a fun
film, but it's not a film Britain would have
made if it wasn't trying to package itself up to
sell abroad. Anyway, some favs this week:
* Monkeon continues to be Britain's most
unrecognised (except by B3tans) genius. He
should tour his photoshops around stadiums.
We're not even joking, although there would be
plenty of jokes:
https://b3ta.com/board/11417709
* Octo made us laugh here, and we will point out
that Hitchcock was British and the short story
this film was based on was also written by the
British Daphne du Maurier, but yeah, financed by
Hollywood, and we lost Hitchcock to Hollywood
dammit.
https://b3ta.com/board/11417621
* Ninj of course just makes us laugh. We can't
really claim Kubrick as secretly British,
although he did live here and film this film
here, apparently through some combination of tax
breaks, disliking flying and wanting to make
movies away from Hollywood interfering.
https://b3ta.com/board/11417568
* See all the other images from the
'De-Americanise Movies' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/deamericanisemovies/popu...
>> This week: Desecrate A Landmark <<
This week we're asking you to desecrate
landmarks. Well, fuck around using Photoshop, as
cutting down a tree that everyone loves isn't
actually a thing you should do in real life, but
it can be amusing to think about. That's where
you went wrong, lads.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/desecratealandmark/popul...
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: FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
Yes, it's 'what happened next'
* BUS FEEDBACK - pgl writes, "Loved the site
showing the busiest bus stops in London. I live
in Kingston, and a stop here (Eden Street D2) is
the 15th busiest, which I found mildly
interesting. I submitted it to my local news
website and it actually got published - local
news at its finest, and the highlight of my
week. Also shows I need to get my laptop space
bar fixed. Unfortunately this means I am now a
legit journalist and shall have to buy a
vertical ring notepad, and a pencil to put
behind my ear."
https://kingston.nub.news/news/local-news/eden-str...
* SUBMIT YOUR SHEDS - Andrew Wilcox writes,
"Only a few days left to enter Shed of the year
2025. You lot are leaving it late. WIN 1000 and
Cuprinol product." Blimey, can we have some
Cuprinol as we're plugging this? We're missing
out of stuff to huff since we've given up the
glue.
https://www.readersheds.co.uk/shedme.cfm
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
The bit where we make up imaginary projects
* ROTTEN TOMS DOT COM - Parse Amazon for bad
reviews of things written by people called Tom.
Present it in a Rotten Tomato style interface.
* JUST LOOK AT THESE TOSSERS - Just a coin
tosser, user has the guess heads or tails and
see how long a run you can do. Nothing clever,
but here's the twist: The webcam films your face
while you do it. Spools to local drive the data.
If your run is higher than any other run then it
uploads to the central computer and people can
watch the longest run. My hunch is that watching
long runs might be fun with people getting
excited. And with enough people playing, there
will be some long runs.
* NO, WE'RE NOT PLAYING THAT - A data project
for someone. Compare the songs a band plays
(setlist dot fm) vs what the public play
(spotify) coz if they're wildly different then
that's a band who has a problem with how the
public see them.
Go on, tell us about your projects, because
that's how the newsletter works.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (did my poo - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "COLD REVENGE" FESSHOLE
"Aged 5, my nephew was in a famous TV ad. I was
unfavourably compared to him thereafter. His
parents tried and failed to propel the horrible
little shit to stardom. Fucking delighted that
he went nowhere. Anyway, 4 decades on, glad to
get that off my chest."
