NEWSLETTER: "HOUSE OF COMMONS RECALLED TO DISCUSS THE EXCELLENT URLS IN THE B3TA NEWSLETTER"
* QUIZ - know your alphabet better than children?
* MAP - the entire world finally in Comic Sans
* CHALLENGE - if kids books told the truth
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |"We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | listening to Pulp B-sides
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| and pretending it's 1998"
B3ta e-electronic newsletter 944 - 11th April 2025
Read this issue to Jesus & tell him it's a miracle:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue944
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making "pus tributes" to Thatcher
* ALPHABET QUIZ - Monkeon has made "A variant of
Categories using loads of alphabet books from
the Internet Archive" and asks us to point out
"It's in Comic Neue, not Comic Sans." This is
quite tough, but fun, like how we refer to our
collective newsletter penis on Grindr.
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/alphabet-book-challenge/
* WORLD MAP IN A SHITE FONT - Speaking of Comic
Sans, Matt Round working in accidental parallel
has made a "proper working maps site with a 3D
globe and geolocation except all the labels are
in Comic Sans." Thanks Matt, next week can we
have Microsoft Bing in Papyrus? Matt says no,
but he does suggest you break the URL and check
his new 404 page.
https://vole.wtf/comic-sans-maps/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Yes it's our promo blurb for our sponsors
Each week we write new promo blurb on the basis
that if it's the same words each week you'll
learn to skip it. So yep, fresh words from our
brain to tell you that Hebtro make clothes in
the UK to the highest standards, designed to
last, pay their staff properly and they support
B3ta. Great for presents for difficult men, or
even yourself, and they never complain about
whatever we write here. Thanks Hebtro.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses, once again, you won't stop
We actually checked the spreadsheet and we've
gone over the 300,000 mark. That's over 0.3
million fesses submitted and your editor has
read them all. We picked out three we liked this
week, especially for you, dear newsletter
reader, so you don't have to read the all the
shit on social media.
* TESLA HURLS - "I heard a knobhead in the pub
saying that maybe he's imagining it, but he
feels as if he's in a 70s horror film because of
the way people stand and glare at his TESLA when
he drives it through the village. He's not
imagining it. We've got a WhatsApp group."
* TIME TO MOVE HOUSE - "A new bar opened up near
me. I complimented the new owner, telling him
he'd made a much nicer job of the place than the
previous dickhead. He told me that was him as
well, and he'd just had a refurb and changed the
name. Drank up and left quietly."
* FRIENDS - "When I was about 6 I had a mate in
his 80s called Mr. Doors who lived on the same
street. We used to sit on walls, play in the
stream, or just do whatever. It's only as an
adult that I realise he had dementia and
probably thought he was a kid too. I still miss
him sometimes."
Follow the account that has crept over 90k on
BlueSky, the website that isn't full of weird
larping Nazis shouting at all the time.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
** Come to the FESSHOLE shows ***
Yes, come you fuckers. SWANSEA NEXT WEEK.
Swansea - Elysium Gallery - 17th April 2025
Liverpool - Hot Water Comedy - 12 November 2025
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books that... hey let's go to 'good
reads' and see if there's anything amusing to
cut and paste from there: "Its very funny, but
it reminds me not to eat at people's houses or
shake hands." Yep, that's the takeaway, no, it's
not, the takeaway is we're all human. Unless
you're not and you're one of David Icke's space
lizards, God that's old hat these days, now
we've got fresh weirdos running the world.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your URLs to see this week, there WILL be a quiz
* THEY CALL IT ASCII HOUSE - Pretend to be a
Silicon Valley freak mixing computers and
microdosing by staring at this ASCII light show
whilst on an ineffective amount of shrooms.
https://asciidelic.com/
* MY SNAKE IS VERY VARIABLE - A sequel to Pippin
Barr's 2017 game, here's 20 more variants of
Snake, this time letting you know what it would
be like if our blocky friend had some specific
personality traits.
https://pippinbarr.com/SNAKISTS/
* ROLAND TEXT EDITOR 202 - Taking beats to code
with to the next level, this version of Notepad
plays music based on your typing rhythm. Sadly
Clippy does not pop up to rap along.
https://tingle.boondoggle.studio/synth
* CLICK CLICK CLICK YOU FUCKERS - This
CSS-Clicker game is an exercise in proving that
you don't need Javascript to make an interactive
web game and that CSS is a real programming
language. Strikes us as nuts that so much stuff
has been added to it that it's now technically
Turing complete, but hey, that's feature creep
for you.
https://lyra.horse/css-clicker/
* 1995 RUINED YOU - Interesting article that
argues 1995 was the most important year for the
web, it certainly rings true for this newsletter
editor as it was the year that they first
managed to get a web project into the "real"
media. So yeah, cyber utopianists unite, it's
all our fault.
https://thehistoryoftheweb.com/1995-was-the-most-i...
* YOUR MOVE, CASIO - A calculator that allows
you to work with approximate values. So instead
of 7, you could have a value between 6 and 8,
and although we don't have a use for it, it's
oddly fascinating to think there are still ways
to extend the humble calculator. The world is
full of uncharted territory, it really is, if
you can find a way to question basic
assumptions.
https://filiph.github.io/unsure/
* FRIENDS MONKEY TRAINER HITS BACK AT DAVID
SCHWIMMER FOR BADMOUTHING SIMIAN COSTAR: 'LET IT
GO' - oh if you just want something funny, this
article is a masterclass in how to be funny as a
tabloid entertainment writer. Every word is a
joy.
https://ew.com/tv/friends-monkey-trainer-david-sch...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Topical Movies
Here's the best images from last week:
* If you hadn't noticed most creatives are
pissed off about AI, and Monkeon makes his
feelings known here:
https://b3ta.com/board/11416629
* Octo takes the piss out of our new tech
oligarchy that control everything other than the
independent B3ta
https://b3ta.com/board/11416562
* 'Ya What' ponders our own British version of
Trump
https://b3ta.com/board/11416557
* See all the other images from the 'Topical
Movies' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/topicalmovies/popular
>> This week: If Kids Stories Told The Truth <<
What would happen if the Brown family lived with
a real grizzly bear? What was Sleeping Beauty's
morning breath like? Show us classic children's
tales as they'd actually play out. Suggested by
your newsletter editor, which is rare actually,
although it is another variation on his
favourite which he stole from the Dudley Moore
movie 'Crazy People'.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ifkidsstoriestoldthetrut...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* THE POUNDSHOP ATLAS - pondering Matt Round's
map thing - we'd quite like a version where you
could edit the names, and see the edit history
of all the names - just to see what people did
and the edit wars. And the context being Trump
has renamed the Gulf Of Mexico, so what do you
want to rename?
* SOMEONE TO MAKE A BETTER VIDEO FOR THE NEW
PULP SONG SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO USE THAT AI
SHITE - our direction would be Jarvis is a dad
at the local school and he forms a dad band with
the other dads to play the school fete. That's
what we want to see, Jarv!
* A DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO WHETHER IT'S OK TO CUT
YOUR BEARD WITH DOG CLIPPERS - seems ok to us,
but it also feels a bit wrong.
Oh go on, make something and tell us, that's how
the newsletter magic that's been happening for
nearly 24 years works.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (No probs - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "HOW VERY BRITISH" FESSHOLE
"There used to be an Ann Summers in Covent
Garden. Downstairs was where they kept their
serious stuff. As I walked downstairs, I missed
a step, landed on the floor with a twisted
ankle. A lovely staff member helped me up. As
gratitude I felt compelled to buy a dildo."
