NEWSLETTER: "A HILL I'LL DIE ON IS MUSWELL HILL, JUST AFTER I'VE CLIMBED UP IT, TO BUY CAKES FROM THE NICE CAKE SHOP DUNNS"
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Most popular one in yonks
* SHED OF THE YEAR - We have a winner
* GAME - Are you sure you're not a robot?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | hosting a Blue Peter
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| appeal for old websites"
B3ta internet electronic mail 961 - 22nd Sep 2025
Read this issue pretending to be HAL with a stiffy:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue961
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making fart noises on their arms
* GUARDIAN HAIKU, NO COME BACK IT'S OK-ISH, ALSO
ON GITHUB - Will Grant writes, "I'm baaaack with
another stupid internet thing. It finds haiku in
Guardian headlines. I tried with the Daily Mail
RSS feed and it was too depressing." What we
found most fun about this, if you want to get
your hands dirty, is that you can download the
code from GitHub and stick your own RSS feeds
in. We amused ourselves by sticking in porn site
RSS bollocks because we're never going to
change.
https://wgx.github.io/guardian-haiku/
* MATHS PUZZLE, FOR FIBONACCI FANS-
michael.d.duarte writes, "I"ve made a daily
puzzle called Knotilus, based around
Fibonacci-like sequences. Each day players try
to find the three sequences that overlap on only
one number." Ok, we needed to brush up our
skills to play this one. The Fibonacci sequence
is a series of numbers where each number is the
sum of the two preceding ones. And the Fibonazi
sequence is whatever Trump is saying next.
https://knotil.us
* 'SHED OF THE YEAR' WINNER ACCOUNCED - we went
over to Uncle Wilco's DMs to get a quote and he
said, "Shock horror, a proper workshop shed won
this year's 19th Shed of the Year: a useful
handmade shed built on a small footprint but
with plenty of storage and workspace, even room
for the lawnmower." Next week we relaunch the
horribly sexist 'rear of the year' campaign, but
detoxify it by making it only for Chris Rea.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Tiny_Workshop_is_the_ov...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know you could buy some clothes?
Hebtro sponsor B3ta and that's pretty handy for
us as it means we get a trickle of money coming
in which helps pay for the time we spend writing
newsletters, and you can help B3ta by buying a
few clothes at Hebtro, where everything is built
to last and ideal for presents for the the men
in your life.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Yes, you're fessing again
Each week you spew your lies into a big Google
form and we post a few out and get told we're
terrible cunts for doing so. Some good ones
include:
* FRIENDS - "I have an unspoken agreement with a
bloke at the gym. If I need a spotter I'll nod
in his direction. He'll come and assist me and
then go back to his workout. We've never spoken
a word to each other beyond 'cheers.' He's the
best friend I've ever had and I'll never know
his name."
* THE OFFICE - "Company changed the dress code
to casual, so I started wearing t-shirts to
work. Wore a shirt one day because nothing else
clean. Guy sat next to me said 'Not your usual
Homer Simpson look today.' Stopped wearing
t-shirts to the office."
* MIND YOUR LANGUAGE - "I've been calling a guy
at work a 'weapon' for the last few months as I
thought it was a term of endearment like you
think someone is dangerously good at their job,
he's reported me to HR."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistook it for the funny one that
makes up Grindr profiles for much loved 1970s
lawnmowers.
https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
You could of course come to the shows and buy
tickets. Worthing next, which is apparently on
the South coast somewhere, we'd better check
before buying a train ticket. Nearish Brighton
we think. Also Leeds and Liverpool available.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And of course the books, the books which
actually quite amuse us as there's a lot of
stupid captions in them which we wrote on a
cornflake high.
https://amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Oi, stop looking at socials, remember websites
* WHAT YOU SEE IN A CLASSIC POP VIDEO BUT SUNG -
Enjoyed this very literal version of Bonnie
Tyler's Total Eclipse Of The Heart. This is the
kind of thing someone would do with AI now and
it would be 100x more shit, doing this by hand,
with thought in every moment is what makes art
sing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT A ROBOT? Always a good
week when Neal Dotfun makes a new thing. In a
similar format to his password game, you must
solve increasingly annoying CAPTCHAs to prove
that you're not a bloody robot. Turns out that
episode of South Park where the kids use
Minecraft knowledge to block the adults is
accurate, as we cannot get past the pesky
CRAFTCHA round.
https://neal.fun/not-a-robot/
* FUCKING HELL MORE WORD PUZZLES - W*r*le of the
week is this simple puzzle in which you must
turn the letters off in order to find the other
words. Simple enough to not have to think too
hard, whilst hard enough to stop your mind
wandering back onto the day's horrors, so one of
those games which is probably good for you and
not just procrastination, honest.
https://puzzle-brothers.boondoggle.studio/puzzles/...
* CAN YOU FOOL YOUR EYES WITH CIRCLES MADE OF
LINES? Turns out a circle doesn't actually have
no sides, or infinity sides. It has approx 30
sides, and this site proves it. If our teachers
lied to us about this, what else did they lie to
us about, David Icke?
https://antced.github.io/its-a-circle/
* TWO PIXEL HIGH FONT - Neat idea here, someone
has made a stupidly small font, that's almost
readable if you try hard enough. There will
certainly be someone who will read this and then
use it for styling up their bandcamp release of
sci-fi bollocks synth noise.
https://joefatula.com/twoslice.html
* TECHNOLOGY IS VAPID - You know all those
stinky strawberry vapes that people bin every
day? Turns out they are powerful enough to run a
webserver. Future generations scrabbling in the
dirt for food will weep for the waste we make.
https://bogdanthegeek.github.io/blog/projects/vape...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Children's TV At The Movies
At 141 images - Children's TV At The Movies is
probably the most popular challenge of modern
b3ta times. Although, to be fair, maybe it's
because it generated a fair few reposts. Our
favs included:
* Apparently Kate Bush's most popular song is
now Army Dreamers because of some TikTok stuff,
anyway, happy to see the great Kate matched with
the best kids TV show ever loved by parents
here. Thanks HappyToast.
https://b3ta.com/board/11421108
* Monkeon is riffing on the film version of
Walter Tevis's 1963 novel, which if you haven't
read it, we recommend, and the spiritual sequel,
Mockingbird.
https://b3ta.com/board/11421316
* And a nod to Razzle for referencing this
fantastic film, and if you want to stay happy,
don't read how it panned out for the writer of
this movie, and her family.
https://b3ta.com/board/11421182
See all 141 images here, will we ever climb such
heights again?
https://b3ta.com/challenge/childrenstvatthemovies/...
>> NEW CHALLENGE: Happy Birthday Mario <<
Everyone's favourite Italian plumber turned 40
this week, so let's plug Mario Paint into our
SNES and make some pictures to celebrate Mario
and the Mushroom Kingdom gang.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/happybirthdaymario/popu...
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on previous stories
* TORY B3TA INFALTRATION - You might remember
Bagpuss and his various contributions to the
B3ta newsletter over the last few years, turns
out the Conservative Party were paying attention
and they offered him a job to help keep Sunak in
power, and.... he strung them along for a laugh.
Full story here:
https://bsky.app/profile/bagpuss.org/post/3lt4w7vs...
* THE ONE PULL UP CHALLENGE NEARS CONCLUSION -
Pig Face Turnip tells us, "10 days left to do
this one pull up, or I have to get a crap tat.
I"ve never been so committed to something so
seemingly pathetic and I"m not sure which way
it"s going to go as I can"t seem to lift myself
from a dead hang"
https://b3ta.com/links/Will_the_Mrs_agree_to_help_...
* OK THESE JUST MAKE NO SENSE BUT PEOPLE DO
WRITE SOME CRAP IN THE FORM - PeenieCopter
writes, "My penis helicopter is better than your
penis helicopter. Don't agree? Show me yours
then I'll show you mine." And iyadeazzaoui
writes, "I wanna fireman Sam get goes in fluid
of water." What?
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas for you to try
* BBC RADIO NEWS BLOCKER - we know it wouldn't
solve the problem in a political sense, but for
our own sanity, can some coder please write a
hack for BBC Sounds 6 Music that makes it play
another indie pop classic instead of whatever
Nigel Farage / Trump / Musk is saying now?
* INVENT NEW BRITISH DINNERS - we invented a new
meal last night, it's called Deconstructed Full
English Breakfast For Dinner: Quattro Samwaggi
Edition. Fried mushroom sandwich, Fried egg
sandwich, Sausage sandwich, Bacon sandwich.
Might sound like a lot of sandwiches, but each
one is split in two, to serve two. It's fucking
glorious.
* A PLOT TO REMOVE RASPUTIN - Can't everyone
around McSweeney just hum The Sweeney theme tune
under their breath when he walks in until he
cracks and quits?
Oh come on, make some stuff, life is short,
create.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Remember: it still counts as listening if you
read the paper version of the audiobook.
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Eggs - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "TERRY AND JUNE REBOOT" FESSHOLE
"If my wife is taking too long on the toilet, I
log into our router and enable a blocklist to
stop traffic from Tumblr, Instagram and AO3.
Guaranteed I'll hear a flush in under a minute.
I then disable the list as soon as I hear her
washing her hands. She has no idea."
