NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT'S BEEN ASKING COUNCILS TO BAN IT SINCE 2001"
* ZX SPECTRUMS - Still shit, get an Amstrad instead
* NEW CHALLENGE - it's something about LPs again
* FESSHOLE LIVE - Four shows on sale inc Leeds
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by sticking the HTML
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| through PKZIP.EXE"
B3ta newsletter 946 - 2nd May 2025
Read this issue through vocoder, Kraftwerk nonces:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue946
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pets smell of eggs
* SMASH BITS - PDF file fans rejoice because
there's a new ZX Spectrum 'magazine' just for
you. Sloanysoft writes, "I've recently been
working on a brand new and completely free
magazine dedicated to reviewing brand new games
for the ZX Spectrum. The magazine has been put
together by members of the Spectrum Computing
forum, with the idea of showcasing all the new
games still being made and helping those new to
the Spectrum homebrew scene find them." We'll
reluctantly link this up whilst taking to our
graves the belief that the Amstrad CPC was the
superior computer. Actually the mag is great,
the colour scheme alone is an affront to the
eyes, as it should be.
https://breakspace.itch.io/issue-1
* TREE FACTS - Smartie123 brings us this
ridiculously charming animation where a childish
dinosaur draws a tree. This is the business.
https://b3ta.com/links/Tree_Fact
* CUTTING THREADS - shnookey1 writes, "Bit of an
experiment, I took the film Threads, and got
people to watch one minute at a time on their
phones and filmed this. SO this is a film across
lots of diff phones, I did do whole film, this
is first 20 mins on twenty phones." This is
probably something more to watch 1 minute of and
think about rather than the whole thing.
https://b3ta.com/links/Cutting_Threads_have_you_wo...
* MUSIC CONNECTIONS QUIZ - Cryptic DJ writes,
"I've created this music-and-words daily quiz -
name the songs then guess the word link, a new
one every day. I would be so grateful if you
could give it a little mention in your
newsletter - it's legal (got music licences) and
has no ads, no app, no login, and plays in any
browser - genius! (apart from that I haven't
worked out how to monetise it)." Ah yes, the
eternal curse of the internet. The secret is
getting lucky.
https://crypticdj.com/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know clothes, you should buy some
Ok, here's how it works: Hebtro sponsor the b3ta
newsletter and in return we mention them each
week in the sponsored slot. We point out they
make all their swag in the UK, pay their staff
properly and make clothes mostly for men who
want sturdy clothes, that'll last and make them
look like dudes who know which end of a chainsaw
to use. Ideal as presents, ideal for yourself.
Copy so good we accidentally convinced this
newsletter's lady partner to buy us a load of
this stuff for Christmas as clearly we must
really love it. And we do.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses, it's the confessions bit suckers
Each week you type shit into a form and we post
some of it, and some of the internet understands
it's just meant to be a bit of a laugh whereas
others believe it's the worst thing that's ever
happened online. Well fuck the lot of you, we're
not stopping now. Three of our favs these week
include:
* CELEBRITY BULLYING - "My wife has a friend
who's a semi famous actor, every time we have a
BBQ or social event all my friends are under
strict instructions not to recognise her, mainly
because it drives her insane but also we have a
sweep on how long before she name drops someone
really famous."
* ECCO THE ADOLF IN... "Told elderly neighbour
my son was a big fan of Minecraft. She looked
horrified. Very awkward conversation followed as
I claimed it was all good fun and helped develop
children's creativity, until it became apparent
she thought I'd said Mein Kampf."
* FFS MUM! "Mum's fess. Went to her house for
easter. My niece offered me some of her easter
egg. I said I can't as I'm allergic to
chocolate. My Mum laughed & said "oh yes, I
forgot to tell you, you're not really, we used
to tell you that when you were younger to stop
you eating it". I'm 37"
Follow the account that people who still use
Twitter hate that it's on BlueSky, and equally
the Blueskiers are constantly furious it's still
on Twitter. What can you do? Make it post on
Truth Social to really annoy people? And the
Morning Star forums for balance.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
* Oooh we've got FOUR shows up for sale, count
them, think Leeds is the announcement we've not
mentioned before. Leeds - Hifi Club - 24th
July, Diss - Corn Hall - 10th Sept, Worthing -
Factory Live - 15th Oct, Liverpool - Hot Water
Comedy - 12th Nov. Do come as it's a good excuse
to leave the house and your editor likes hanging
around the bar afterwards and talking to whoever
wants to chat. Which is generally old b3tans who
want to tell us the internet was better back in
2001 - not that we hugely agree, go and make
good stuff now, the world isn't over until you
die.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And yes buy the books, the lovely books, the red
one and the yellow one. The red one sold better
but the yellow one is probably a slightly better
book. Such is publishing.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Important sites to copy to your 'Prepper Disk'
* YOU ARE GENERATIVE AI - A game where it
doesn't matter if you get the answer right or
wrong, just be confident about it. Nice use of
Interactive Fiction to mock the worst invention
since the Amstrad Em@i... let's say the Amstrad
PenPad for a change.
https://direkris.itch.io/genai
* OBSCURE WEBSITE CORBER - Play the indie web
together in real time and bring back a bit of
shared experience to our fragmented lives. They
are best played without the fuzzy overlay but a
nice bit of design work, regardless.
https://hypertext.tv
* CHESS-INGTON WORLD OF ADVENTURE - A million
games of chess going off at once. Presumably
Elon would claim to be able to play about 420 at
once because he's up there with Albert Einstein
and Johnny Ball, and not one to miss the
opportunity for a shit weed reference.
https://onemillionchessboards.com
* DOOM IN SQL - a nerdy attempt to mock up the
core features of everyone's favourite first
person shooter using the classic database
programming language. Next week we'll bring you
My Little Pony Adventure Island in LOTUS-123.
https://www.hey.earth/posts/duckdb-doom
* SAY NO TO ALGO-SOUP - "In the age of slop,
craft is rebellion" - interesting interview with
neal.fun, the guy who bought Matt Round's circle
game off him.
https://www.workingtheorys.com/p/the-craft-neal-ag...
* WE LOVE THIS IDEA - Insane demo that involves
swapping a Commodore 64's audio & video outputs.
Yes, so the sound chip does the visuals and the
video chip does the audio. More of this please,
it's strange witchcraft that makes our fingers
feel itchy.
https://www.quiss.org/signal_carnival/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Zombies challenge results
It's been 21 years since our Zombies! challenge,
and most of the images are now 404 dead. We
asked you to bring them back to life with
another undead challenge.
* Thanks to 'BOCBOY' for bringing us the first
ever vegan zombie and then putting a cherry on
the top of the joke with a speech bubble. Nice
work.
https://b3ta.com/board/11417282
* 'NINJ' is here to make you wish that a certain
political agitator had his little trip in an
airplane go a little differently
https://b3ta.com/board/11417181
* 'CAPTAIN HOWDY' is making us hungry for flour,
and not the kind that Fleetwood Mac used to blow
up each other's arses in the 1970s.
https://b3ta.com/board/11417251
See them all on the website that some people
call "past its prime" but what do they know?
Yes, they're correct, but being correct isn't
what's important in this life, it's having
staying power to be still standing when your
enemies have given up. Yeah in your face Club
Penguin.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/zombies2/popular/
>> This week: album cover cameos <<
Take figures from classic album covers and
insert them into other places where you think
they'd look at home. Suggested by Captain Howdy.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/albumcovercameos/popula...
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: FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
Yes, it's 'what happened next'
Fuck all happened.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to inspire you to make not slop
* SKIP INTRO - Write a TV show, just so you
could do this one shit gag, where the viewer can
press 'skip intro' button and it plays a new
intro where the cast skip down the street,
having a lovely time. No idea for the show
beyond that.
* WRITE A SONG LIKE LAYLA - that is about
wanting to shag your mate's wife. We've just run
through a list of our friends' spouses and the
list of potential songs we could write about
them, and none of them would be seductive, and
many of them would cause irreparable rifts in
our friendship. Best not do that then.
* A COMPLETE LIST OF ALBUMS THAT ARE SECRETLY
ABOUT BUM HOLES - E.g. 'So Red The Rose' by
Arcadia, if you squint a bit you can read "so
red" as sored, that is a poetically inventive
past tense verb form of the adjective "sore" and
"the rose" as a euphemism for sphincter. We've
also got a "rub arsehole" theory about Rubber
Soul.
Don't bore us, get to the chorus:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
OOOH READER'S LETTER - The_Cold_Stare has got in
touch with a request - "I have an idea for a
quiz - and it can fill your Star In Next Issue
bit which is evidently a painful part of the
newsletter for you to write. WHO"S WHO: Band
edition. Obscure band picture and you have to
identify the drummer, or guitarist, or singer.
Just tried it with a pic of The Wombats (I know
them but have no idea who is who) and you can
sort of tell. I am sure someone can knock that
one up"
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (charging wirelessly -
Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "DUMP HIM" FESSHOLE
"Every Sunday I spend hours making a roast for
the family & the only contribution from my
husband is he makes the gravy. And then without
fail he spends the whole meal going on about how
great the gravy is. Going to pour it over his
fucking head the fat gravy eating cunt."
