NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 138: "TALES OF THE TUG"
This Week:
* ANIM - Weebl sells out to footy bollocks
* RADIO - Best wanking stories ever
* VIDEO - Man drinks own vomit
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 138 - 04 Jun 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue138/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Football, Ninjas, Toilets, Ducks & Hypnos
>> Footy footy footy <<
We hate and fear football and we like to think
it feels the same about us. But boy-genius
animator Jonti Picking has a bizarre liking
for the game and has adapted his classic
Badgers badgers badgers to celebrate. Cunt.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/35/
>> Ninja cartoon <<
Old-school b3ta regular Tomsk has been busy
lately making a series of rather pretty
cartoons. His latest fulfils all the
criteria on our list for success.
Tomsk: "Ninja, check. Drum'n'bass, check.
Crap gag, check. All new hand-drawn style,
check." Very nice indeed.
http://www.mintimperial.com/specialdelivery/
>> Exciting Japanese toilet <<
"I went to the toilet," bubbles Laura Hardy,
"in Japan. And this is what you get in your
hotel room." It's one of those Japanese
toilets that clean your bum. We'd never
seen one before - it has a slightly nasty,
furtive movement to it.
http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/japanesetoilet.html
>> Rescuing ducks <<
"Last weekend I saw 4 baby ducks get swept
into a rapidly-flooding sewer," writes
Operand B, "A harrowing rescue ensued."
We can only applaud this kind of selfless
bravery. "My main motivation for saving them
was to get in the newsletter," he confesses.
Mission accomplished, he can now happily put
them back down there again.
http://www.theonlyaaron.com/projects/b3ta/duckies/
>> Hypnotise your friends <<
Having a load of mates is fine, but wouldn't
you rather they were a bunch of unthinking
zombies - subject to your every whim? Such is
the reasoning of JBoom. So he's made a little
online toy that lets you email supposedly
hypnotic messages to your friends. Quite
pretty it is, too.
http://www.jboom.com/hypno
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: B3TA RADIO
Tales of the tug
Each week we snatch a rude hour on Resonance
FM to push back the boundaries of entertainment.
This week we're telling your worst masturbation
stories.
Some of our favourites this week include:
>> The Wanking Game <<
"A friend of mine actually invented a sort of
'wanking game'. First he would be upstairs in
his room whilst his mum was downstairs watching
TV or whatever. With his hand in position he
would cry 'MUM!' at the top of his voice and
commence masturbation. His mum would then go
upstairs to see what was wrong. The object of
the game was to see if he could produce love
fluid before his mother came upstairs into
his room."
>> Spazturbation <<
"At school there was a kid called Ben who had
special needs and would always have an assistant
sit next to him. Pretty much every IT lesson we
would hear the assistant telling him 'not to go
on those naughty sites' and had to keep closing
his browser.
"One day the opportunity arose that his usual
assistant wasn't available and no replacement
could be found. So mid-lesson we hear a few
gasps and Ben is frantically fwapping away to
some teen site. The teacher shouts and goes
running to the other side of the room, but
it's too late and he chubs all over his hand
and keyboard. I've never seen a kid so happy,
he turned around with a huge fucking grin
clapping to himself, and when he gets shouted
at just looks at the teacher in complete
amazement, as if he's done nothing wrong."
These stories and more. Oh so much more on
the site:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/wanking_disasters/
>> Special Guest <<
We've also invited CCC of 'Tunbridge Wells
Monkey Man' fame into the studio to catch
up with his life, post-tabloid fame.
You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Drunk man drinks his own vomit <<
Our worst drunken experience involves passing
out in a nightclub toilet, covered in our
own vomit, occasionally mumbling "bed-time
b3ta. It's bed time b3ta." However even
the b3ta editorial team can hardly compete
with this horrid man.
http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/dont-ever-get-this-drunk....
>> When special needs kids make flash <<
Watch in awe and wonder as a group of
kids with learning difficulties deliver
their message on why drugs are wrong. We're
giving up making flash. This is what
Macromedia built their tools to do.
http://www.priorywoods.middlesbrough.sch.uk/subjec...
>> ET Porn <<
Steven Spielberg recently recut his alien
mawk-fest ET, making it more acceptable to
a contemporary audience by removing the guns.
Shame his re-write of history didn't include
this fantastic scene of ET having his cock
sucked by a naughty lady. Warning: Not safe
for work. At all.
LINK REMOVED: coz porn sites have changed it
to a redirect to a pay for porn thingie.
>> MP3 Boombox <<
We've seen a lot of case mods but this is the
first that could actually be turned into
a viable commercial project. We want it.
http://www.gutterslide.com/boomboxpc/
>> Goatsepedia <<
You've seen shock sites such as Goatse and
Tubgirl and we love this detailed history behind
their use. Particularly fascinating is the level
of thought people put behind trolling. Frankly,
if our exclusion order was lifted and we were
allowed within 5 miles of a university we'd be
studying this stuff.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shock_site
>> Mini Arcade <<
Got a bit of time this afternoon? Liven up
your desk my making paper models of your
favourite arcade games. We reckon a more
ambitious b3ta person could take it a bit
further by sticking a Gameboy or Palmpilot
screen in one of these and making the coolest
geek toy ever.
http://www.wayoftherodent.com/gd101/bs_paperarcade...
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
Doing stuff because you can
The washing machine develops an irritating
fault, so you call out a repair person. Unless,
that is, you're this man (and what were the
chances it would be a woman?), who took it
as the opportunity to create some sort of
ungodly Frankenwasher, precisely controlled via
his computer. It looks terrifying and unsafe
and we're not surprised it led to his missus
buying a replacement, on the grounds that
she 'couldn't work out how to use it.'
http://www.migweb.co.uk/forums/showthread.php
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Otter friends
Fuck me - this some cute shit that touches our
crappy heart strings. We don't want to piss
no more - that's dirty - we only want to see
pictures of lovely otters. Otters that swim
together holding hands.
http://snipurl.com/6v0i
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Monument Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted monuments to stuff that
isn't normally celebrated.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/monuments/
We asked b3ta luminary Freddy Woo to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Freddy writes -
#1 Statue of Liberty Upskirt shot - she's a
mucky old bitch, that lady of liberty.
(Beau Bo d'Or)
http://b3ta.com/board/3265836
#2 Stinky piss cherub. A touching monument
to the glories of the drink.
(Zak McFlimby)
http://b3ta.com/board/3257611
#3 Redex Trade Centre - very clever. He's
going to hell. Who's laughing now? Us.
(squiggy)
http://b3ta.com/board/3283281
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor Gimbo gave us
the suggestion, "Kids TV from the planet
Wrong."
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kidstvgonewrong/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* URL REDIRECTS - inspired by last week's piece
on using fake web addresses to make a comment
about somebody else's website, Maughan Johnson
sent us his stab at the genre.
http://www.jamrag.co.uk
* 6-DAY WEEK DOESN'T WORK - A while back we were
talking about how 28 hour days and six day weeks
would be a far better system,. To their eternal
credit, B3ta readers Auggie and Shores decided
to risk their health, put this to the test and
document their findings online. They lasted
five days.
http://6dayweek.blogspot.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* FISTEROIDS - the classic arcade game remade
with aggressive sexual practises.
* NAME THAT MEME - test your internet cliché
knowledge against the best of the best.
* CELEBRITY XYLOSHIT - A keyboard-based
simulator, where different keys release
assorted lengths of poo from a line-up of
naked celebrities. Can you recreate your
favourite tune in the medium of famous turds.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Susan Joseph, melman from Cali,
Jim McCauley, alexmasters, theartfulriddler
and MattD.
Top Tippery by Chris
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the b4ta bum stoats.
(75723)
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TOP TIP:
Put bread under your top lip while chopping
onions. It will suppress the reactions of your
sinuses and simultaneously make you look dead
sophisticated.
