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This Week:
* ANIM - Weebl sells out to footy bollocks
* RADIO - Best wanking stories ever
* VIDEO - Man drinks own vomit

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 138 - 04 Jun 2004

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  Football, Ninjas, Toilets, Ducks & Hypnos

  >> Footy footy footy <<
  We hate and fear football and we like to think
  it feels the same about us. But boy-genius
  animator Jonti Picking has a bizarre liking
  for the game and has adapted his classic
  Badgers badgers badgers to celebrate. Cunt.

  >> Ninja cartoon <<
  Old-school b3ta regular Tomsk has been busy
  lately making a series of rather pretty
  cartoons. His latest fulfils all the
  criteria on our list for success.
  Tomsk: "Ninja, check. Drum'n'bass, check.
  Crap gag, check. All new hand-drawn style,
  check." Very nice indeed.

  >> Exciting Japanese toilet <<
  "I went to the toilet," bubbles Laura Hardy,
  "in Japan. And this is what you get in your
  hotel room." It's one of those Japanese
  toilets that clean your bum. We'd never
  seen one before - it has a slightly nasty,
  furtive movement to it.

  >> Rescuing ducks <<
  "Last weekend I saw 4 baby ducks get swept
  into a rapidly-flooding sewer," writes
  Operand B, "A harrowing rescue ensued."
  We can only applaud this kind of selfless
  bravery. "My main motivation for saving them
  was to get in the newsletter," he confesses.
  Mission accomplished, he can now happily put
  them back down there again.

  >> Hypnotise your friends <<
  Having a load of mates is fine, but wouldn't
  you rather they were a bunch of unthinking
  zombies - subject to your every whim? Such is
  the reasoning of JBoom. So he's made a little
  online toy that lets you email supposedly
  hypnotic messages to your friends. Quite
  pretty it is, too.


  Tales of the tug

  Each week we snatch a rude hour on Resonance
  FM to push back the boundaries of entertainment. 
  This week we're telling your worst masturbation

  Some of our favourites this week include:

  >> The Wanking Game <<
  "A friend of mine actually invented a sort of
  'wanking game'. First he would be upstairs in
  his room whilst his mum was downstairs watching
  TV or whatever. With his hand in position he
  would cry 'MUM!' at the top of his voice and
  commence masturbation. His mum would then go
  upstairs to see what was wrong. The object of
  the game was to see if he could produce love
  fluid before his mother came upstairs into
  his room."

  >> Spazturbation << 
  "At school there was a kid called Ben who had
  special needs and would always have an assistant
  sit next to him. Pretty much every IT lesson we
  would hear the assistant telling him 'not to go
  on those naughty sites' and had to keep closing
  his browser.

  "One day the opportunity arose that his usual
  assistant wasn't available and no replacement
  could be found. So mid-lesson we hear a few
  gasps and Ben is frantically fwapping away to
  some teen site. The teacher shouts and goes
  running to the other side of the room, but
  it's too late and he chubs all over his hand
  and keyboard. I've never seen a kid so happy,
  he turned around with a huge fucking grin
  clapping to himself, and when he gets shouted
  at just looks at the teacher in complete
  amazement, as if he's done nothing wrong."

  These stories and more. Oh so much more on
  the site:

  >> Special Guest <<

  We've also invited CCC of 'Tunbridge Wells
  Monkey Man' fame  into the studio to catch
  up with his life, post-tabloid fame.

  You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
  to tune in here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Drunk man drinks his own vomit <<
  Our worst drunken experience involves passing
  out in a nightclub toilet, covered in our
  own vomit, occasionally mumbling "bed-time
  b3ta. It's bed time b3ta." However even
  the b3ta editorial team can hardly compete
  with this horrid man.

  >> When special needs kids make flash <<
  Watch in awe and wonder as a group of
  kids with learning difficulties deliver
  their message on why drugs are wrong. We're
  giving up making flash. This is what
  Macromedia built their tools to do.

  >> ET Porn <<
  Steven Spielberg recently recut his alien
  mawk-fest ET, making it more acceptable to
  a contemporary audience by removing the guns.
  Shame his re-write of history didn't include
  this fantastic scene of ET having his cock
  sucked by a naughty lady. Warning: Not safe
  for work. At all.
LINK REMOVED: coz porn sites have changed it
to a redirect to a pay for porn thingie.

  >> MP3 Boombox <<
  We've seen a lot of case mods but this is the
  first that could actually be turned into
  a viable commercial project. We want it.

  >> Goatsepedia <<
  You've seen shock sites such as Goatse and
  Tubgirl and we love this detailed history behind
  their use. Particularly fascinating is the level
  of thought people put behind trolling. Frankly,
  if our exclusion order was lifted and we were
  allowed within 5 miles of a university we'd be
  studying this stuff.

   >> Mini Arcade <<
  Got a bit of time this afternoon? Liven up
  your desk my making paper models of your
  favourite arcade games. We reckon a more
  ambitious b3ta person could take it a bit
  further by sticking a Gameboy or Palmpilot
  screen in one of these and making the coolest
  geek toy ever.


  Doing stuff because you can

  The washing machine develops an irritating
  fault, so you call out a repair person. Unless,
  that is, you're this man (and what were the
  chances it would be a woman?), who took it
  as the opportunity to create some sort of
  ungodly Frankenwasher, precisely controlled via
  his computer. It looks terrifying and unsafe
  and we're not surprised it led to his missus
  buying a replacement, on the grounds that
  she 'couldn't work out how to use it.'


  Otter friends

  Fuck me - this some cute shit that touches our
  crappy heart strings. We don't want to piss
  no more - that's dirty - we only want to see
  pictures of lovely otters. Otters that swim
  together holding hands. 

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


  Results from Monument Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted monuments to stuff that
  isn't normally celebrated.

  We asked b3ta luminary Freddy Woo to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Freddy writes - 

  #1 Statue of Liberty Upskirt shot - she's a
     mucky old bitch, that lady of liberty. 
     (Beau Bo d'Or)

  #2 Stinky piss cherub. A touching monument
     to the glories of the drink.
     (Zak McFlimby)

  #3 Redex Trade Centre - very clever. He's
     going to hell. Who's laughing now? Us.

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor Gimbo gave us
  the suggestion, "Kids TV from the planet


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * URL REDIRECTS - inspired by last week's piece
    on using fake web addresses to make a comment
    about somebody else's website, Maughan Johnson
    sent us his stab at the genre.

  * 6-DAY WEEK DOESN'T WORK - A while back we were
    talking about how 28 hour days and six day weeks
    would be a far better system,. To their eternal
    credit, B3ta readers Auggie and Shores decided
    to risk their health, put this to the test and
    document their findings online. They lasted
    five days.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * FISTEROIDS - the classic arcade game remade
    with aggressive sexual practises.

  * NAME THAT MEME - test your internet cliché  
    knowledge against the best of the best.

  * CELEBRITY XYLOSHIT - A keyboard-based
    simulator, where different keys release
    assorted lengths of poo from a line-up of
    naked celebrities. Can you recreate your
    favourite tune in the medium of famous turds.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Susan Joseph, melman from Cali,
  Jim McCauley, alexmasters, theartfulriddler
  and MattD.
  Top Tippery by Chris
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the b4ta bum stoats.


  Put bread under your top lip while chopping
  onions. It will suppress the reactions of your
  sinuses and simultaneously make you look dead

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