NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 170 - "LEUKAEMIA THE MUSICAL"
This Week:
* KETTLE - Burning foot man
* CHICKS - New thing from Rob & Joel
* TORRENTS - British comedy special
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 170 - 18 Feb 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue170/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: ADVERT
Will7534 wins 50 word auction
And here's what they wanted to say:
"Check out these modern-day Gunpowder Plotters
as they attempt the unthinkable by ramming the
Houses of Parliament with a jet."
http://www.how-safe-are-we.com
>> Buy space in B3ta <<
This week, newsletter co-writer Dave Stevenson
will be your auctioneer. Going once.
Going twice. Not gone yet.
http://snipurl.com/cv1v
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Kettle foot, John Leslie, Old joke & Tescos
>> Low pain-threshold Jackass <<
We have to applaud armatage_shanks and the
Wiplashvideo crew. They shun the theatrical
mummery of many a video stunt and get
straight in there with the pain. Here we've
got a guy getting boiling water poured onto
his feet from a kettle. The humour is in his
entirely justified reaction: It hurts, he yelps,
jumps around and gets a bit pissed off with his
mates for laughing at his dismay.
http://www.wiplashvideos.com/kettle.wmv
>> Black chicks, white knickers <<
Rob and Joel have been working with YOB again
to bring you a charming little ditty based on
John Leslie and his love of black girls in
white knickers, and indeed white ladies dressed
in black. Vaguely NSFW, that's if you find
Maxim style ladies a problem in your office.
http://www.youthofbritain.com/chicks/uk.html
>> Old joke <<
"I believe that I have created THE ultimate
website", froths aclements, "even if it is
absolute bollocks." Yup, it's bollocks, and
it's an age-old joke, but this Internet
Tennis game still made us smirk at the
childishness of it all.
http://kclements.members.beeb.net/internet_tennis....
>> Cheap shop challenge <<
"I made a 'Tesco Value' guess the price game,"
chirps naxtek, "As it's the game I play every time
I visit the supermarket." It's great - we were
genuinely surprised at how much cheaper everything
was than our guesses. And also vaguely alarmed at
what sort of povo shit naxtek was buying.
http://www.playwithyourself.co.uk/game/flash/game_...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Look at me in the local paper
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for your appearances in the
local papers:
http://b3ta.com/questions/localpapers/
* Butlins Summer Brochure Exposure
"When I was little, we went to Butlins every
year. When I was seven I turned up in the
Butlins new summer holiday brochure. I can't
remember the photo being taken... but then
I also can't remember sitting at the side of
the indoor pool with my shorts twisted and my
tiny pink pods on display for all the world
to see... The shame." (pb4ugo2bed)
* Fruity Mayor
"I happened to be in our local paper dressed
as Sporty Spice with the Mayor standing next
to me. What most readers wouldn't guess is
that my plastered on smile hides the fact that
the Mayor is squeezing my bum. My mum has this
picture framed on the mantelpiece - I cannot
bring myself to tell her." (droopy)
* Royal Stamp
"When I was very young, Prince Charles came to
visit my nursery. I was making a truly
spectacular Skittle Brick sculpture until it
was cruelly destroyed by the foot of the King
to be. I was so upset, that I stamped on his
foot and cried. All caught under the watchful
eye of local TV cameras. It was a bloody good
sculpture... and I'd do it again to his foot
if I saw him." (In_there_like_swimwear)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us the little things that
turn you on. Talk to us all huskily here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/turnons/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Household horse <<
It starts off as a fairly amusing human
interest story about a horse who likes to
drive around town with his cowboy owners. But
stick with the video to see just how disturbingly
close their relationship really is.
http://video.craveonline.com/video/player.php
>> USB hypnodisk <<
We can't help ourselves: We're helplessly
salivating at this quite extraordinary desktop
executive toy. It's a big, brass antique-style
hypnosis machine that plugs into the USB slot
of your PC. Not something that could be turned
for evil purposes. Oh no. Not at all.
http://www.eccentricgenius.ca/Products7.htm
>> Filthy pasta girl <<
Some sort of demure Japanese girl falls
victim to a bizarre catering accident and
appears to enjoy it rather too much. Kind
of not safe for work, definitely not safe
for dinner-time. Especially if you're having
spaghetti.
http://manon.sfcgi.com/cot03.htm
>>Cat slap baby-head <<
Exactly what you think it is - video of a
cat pummelling a baby's head. We actually
think the sound might be dubbed on. Any
volunteers to collect what this would really
sound like, please?
http://www.wimp.com/catslap/
>> Cute puppet DJ <<
Perhaps, in another, better world Finger
Mouse would have been Dutch. And this is
what he'd have been like: a funky, naked,
record-scratching hand-puppet DJ.
http://www.xs4all.nl/~lrvk/lejo/dj.html
>> Steve, Don't Eat It! <<
Enjoy the adventures of blogger Steven
as he takes his taste buds places so you
don't have to. He ranges from weird, processed
meats through dog food to breastmilk. But the
item that really, really turned our stomachs
was the Dolores Brand Pickled Pork Rinds. Gah.
http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_steve_don...
>> Creepy, creepy baby dolls <<
Want to steal an ugly baby? Why not
buy one of these scary-looking replicas,
sneak into hospital and swap it over
with a real one in the maternity ward.
If you do it swiftly enough, no-one will
ever notice. Just like Indiana Jones does
with the diamond and his packed lunch at
the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
http://www.finchfieldsbabies.co.uk/
>> Leukaemia - the musical <<
"This guy is an ex-work colleague and friend
of mine", exclaims 8-Ball, "He has Leukaemia.
Here he is receiving chemotherapy. He's fekkin'
ace!" This made us actually shed a tear. We're
such a saps. Watch it. It's utterly charming
http://www.miltcentral.com/vid_intherain.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
The bit you can forward to Gran
>> Vegetarian rabbit <<
James Staples is a regular at Chopsticks in
Sturrey, Kent. That's where he came across this
cute root vegetable bunny. You can't take him
anywhere.
http://snipurl.com/cvhg
>> PC pussycats <<
B3ta reader pluke sends us this picture of cats
playing with PC components. Perhaps they were
chasing the mouse (b-doom-tish). It's ultimate
geek-fluff heaven.
http://snipurl.com/cvj7
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: BIT TORRENT TV
Stuff we've watched this week
Haven't run a torrent section for a while,
as to be honest we settled into a rut of grabbing
the same stuff each week: Lost, Battlestar
Galactica and South Park.
As The Guardian today printed a story stating
that the UK has the highest global use of telly
torrents, we thought we'd take the opportunity
to recommend some good current British comedy
to our readers in the colonies.
>> Look Around You <<
Series Two expands to a 30 minute show, riffing
off the format of Tomorrows World, a much loved
magazine programme which explored new technology.
We particularly recommend episode two, with the
Medibot robot who can conduct surgery. Oh and
watch out for the coming computers episode
which has some visuals supplied by b3ta people.
>> Nathan Barley <<
Starting on a satiric TV listings website called
TVGoHome, the Nathan Barley character became
shorthand for everything phony in the London
new-media world. On telly the idea is expanded
to mock tradition media too, although saving
a few swipes at a world not a million miles
from us. Nerdy forums have been debating
whether series co-creator Chris Morris has gone
off-the-boil with this, but to our
eyes, the parodies are absolutely spot on.
Christ, the other day, we had to pop into
a design agency in Soho and the staff were
sitting on exercise balls. Nathan lives!
>> Shameless <<
Welcome to Frank Gallagher's world, a life of
poverty, teenage pregnancy and petty crime,
like an alcoholic Sergeant Bilko, he careers
from disaster to disaster, but somehow
- despite himself - always winning in the end.
Great dialogue too, on dumping his teenage
girlfriend (and daughter of his new wife),
"He's a fiver. Treat yourself to an E." The
best thing on UK TV at the moment - baring
nothing.
All this and more can be found via uknova.com
and probably still popular filesharing networks
like e-mule.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Mocking the Elderly' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to make fun of old people.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mocktheelderly
We asked b3ta boarder 'Little Ralphy' to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Ralphy writes -
#1 "Don't fear the reaper - We all know that
old people could drop dead at any moment
and chobb's illustrates this in a wonderfully
subtle way. (chobb)
http://b3ta.com/board/4255867
#2 "Needle exchange programme - I think it's a
travesty that more taxpayers money isn't
spent on emphasising the benefits of safe
knitting. (Zak McFlimby)
http://b3ta.com/board/4255130
#3 "Who am I - classic game for children reworked
for the piss riddled, weak minded fools we
will all one day become."
(The Great Architect)
http://b3ta.com/board/4256655
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor Zak McFlimby gave
us the suggestion, "New Sports for Toffs"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/toffsport/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GUESS THE URL QUIZ - lots of email on this
apparently the answer to question three is
tykca.htm, and one reader Karma Carrot got
to level 11 with hvk.htm
* BLUE POO UPDATE - for weeks we've been begging
our readers to spend a week eating blue chew-its
and photograph their own shit. We've had several
emails suggesting that "methylene blue" will
make your pee blue, and bakes well into chocolate
cakes. Also Scaryduck wants to share his story
about his mate drinking blue ink, making a 3D
turd logo for his school which is still hanging
there to this day.
http://snipurl.com/cvtz
* MOCKING ROYALS - last week we asked you to make
stuff taking the piss out of "horsey old Camilla
getting married." Chicago Dave has done us
proud, if this doesn't end up everywhere then
we'll marry her ourself.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4281335
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: FRIDAY GAME
Count the petals
Drive yourself mad trying to solve this
pedantic maths puzzle. If you get it quickly
then you're a peado. Ha ha.
http://crux.baker.edu/cdavis09/roses.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* UNDERWATER GNOME PHOTOGRAPHY - great story
here. Divers have been making an underwater
gnome garden. However, it's a bit of a
death trap diving deep enough to film it.
A pound to the first b3ta reader that gets
us an exclusive photograph. A whole pound.
Two pounds if you arrange the gnomes into
the shape of a cock.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/cumbria/4263761...
* POUND MY ARSE - The game sweeping Earls
Court pubs is "how far can you walk with a
pound in your arse?" Do we have any pretty
lady readers who want to film themselves
doing this?
* OVER THE COUNTER DRUG REVIEWS - the top
ten high street legal highs include Solpadeine,
Syndol, Feminax, Co-codamol, Nurofen Plus,
DO-DO ChestEze tablets, Sudafedm, Nytol Tablets,
Codeine Linctus/Galcodine linctus, and J. Collis
Browne's Mixture. Can you take them all
and write a users guide?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson and the withered claw of little
Benny Wheatus.
Links sent in by a gang of cunts including
adrienne, Steerable_forehead, Ben Wheatley's
spastic daughter Myra, Terry Nutkins,
bootontheleft, pfabric, odie, smudget33,
kcsculder, mouseboy_, hotlcp, and
my mother's rapist.
Top Tippery by some hotlcp.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by before tar. (76960)
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TOP TIP:
Contrary to what your mum may have taught you,
never use a lid when cooking green veg in a
saucepan as it causes the acid that they release
to be drawn back into them and thus making them
grey and wilted.
