NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 184 - "THE SINGING ARSEHOLE"
This Week:
* GAME - Celebrity hybrids
* FOOD - Living on Guinness for a week
* ANIM - Singing arsehole vs. Erasure
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 184 - 3 Jun 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue184/
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: ADVERT
Speed Camera Special
Been nicked for speeding? Thinking of being
nicked for speeding? Don't feel liking shelling
hundreds out for the Gizmos? Looks like a
loophole here. At least buy one for your mate
that has just been pinched!
http://www.sprayonmud.com
>> Advertise in B3ta <<
Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Celeb kids, Guinness diet and mongs
>> Celebrity love-child quiz <<
"Bloody celebrities eh?" blasts Doctor A. "Always
rutting like crazed weasels within their own
famous gene pool. I've designed a way to keep
tabs on their potential offspring." See is you can
guess the parentage of 20 celebrity hybrids in
a quiz that's both big and clever.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/ashen1/ashen/cartoon/...
>> Guinness diet <<
Mburt1 has been inspired (if that is the right
word) by our recent Guinness-based experiments.
Contending that the sinister stout is a 'meal
in a glass', he vowed to live on a diet soley
consisting of Guinness, water, pint of milk and
a vitamin C tablet a day, for a whole week.
See how he does with it on his blog. But we
wouldn't get too near if we were you... very
poorly tummy.
http://theguinnessdiet.blogspot.com/
>> Wonderwall vs. Mong Song <<
There's no doubt this is the future of the
mash-up scene. Dobsky takes the Oasis epic and
lays on a thick crust of b3tards Jonti and Rob
hooting and belming for all they're worth. In
the words of the man himself, "It's different,
I'll give it that."
http://members.lycos.co.uk/gingerpride/
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: NSFW CORNER
Fwappage for the truly deviant
No strangers to nudge-nudge-wink-wink innuendo,
synth-duo Erasure once titled an album "Two
Ring Circus", and so it's with a happy heart
the internet has repaid the compliment via
a singing arse-hole mouthing the words to
their 1988 hit "A Little Respect." Laugh? We
couldn't stop.
http://jimgoad.net/happyasshole3.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Onoseconds - stuff you'd rather you hadn't sent
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you for the inappropriate
things you'd accidentally emailed and texted:
http://b3ta.com/questions/onoseconds/
* "After spending what can only be described
as an extremely sordid night with a sexy
and utterly filthy young lady named Gemma,
I decided to cheer her up by texting her,
detailing everything I was intent on doing
to her the next time. Graphically. Grandma
was not amused to receive this. Not fully
understanding it and seeking guidance as to
the meaning of some of the content, neither
was my mother. My gran won't sit next to me
at family events any more." (dan j)
* "My friend teaches Judo to young kids.
During a drunken night out, someone got
hold of his phone and did the usual thing
of sending sexually explicit messages,
this time to his girlfriend. Except
his girlfriend was in his phone as 'Babe',
not 'Emma'. Emma was a 12 year old from
his Judo class. Next morning he had to
phone Emma's parents and explain that their
12 year old daughter may have received a
text message saying her judo teacher
wanted to shag her up the ass." (dr-kill)
* "After a major system crash and several
hours running round swearing, Boss sticks
his head round the door and says, 'Do us a
favour - send an on-screen message to all
users to let 'em know the computer's no
longer fucked.' So I did: 'ALL USERS:
COMPUTER NO LONGER FUCKED' We laughed.
Then, I dropped my coffee mug. It landed
on the Enter key. Our network had several
hundred users in many varied locations
round the world. I was no longer one of
them." (scaryduck)
We'd like to send our condolences to Hazey's
mate who managed to get "I've an arse-hole like
the back of Batman's car" to pop up over a
friend's presentation to his directors, and we
are slightly scared by Spastic Lequee's
admission that he "tends not to wank in
office stationery anymore."
>> This Week's Question <<
When animals attack... Have you been beaten up
by an ant? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/animalsattack/
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: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE
In-car toilet
Three tips for on being caught short whilst
needing a piss: firstly there's the
tried-and-tested crossing your legs and
and bouncing on the seat method. Advanced
users will often sing "It's a Long Way to
Tipperary." Secondly, men can seal their
foreskin between their thumb and fore-finger
creating a pee-filled flesh balloon. This
only works for about the first 25cl of wee,
after that you'll find the piss spurting
out the sides in a two-headed yellow fountain.
Thirdly? Well, science brings you an inflatable
toilet which you can store in the back of
your SUV. Frankly it strikes us as mental, the
whole sales pitch is about "No-one Will Know
You've Taken a Piss!" Like it's such a crime?
Personally, we're big fans of nipping into
MaccyD's for a McDump. BTW: Here's a quandary
for you. Is it wrong to reply to an instant message
whilst taking a dump? We don't know, but
we certainly know it felt wrong and kinda good.
(Hello Ben. We were shitting whilst we wrote
this.)
http://www.indipod.com/movies/complete.wvx
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
If we were running Bid-Up TV...
>> Insane daredevil stunt <<
You can get used to anything and jumping out
of aeroplanes is no exception. As near as we
can make out, this chap deliberately sets his
own parachute on fire. Just for a laugh.
Suppose it beats watching telly.
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/parafire.html
>> Homosexuals: A warning from history <<
"What Jimmy didn't know was that Ralph was
sick, a sickness of the mind known as
homosexuality." It's hard to believe this 1950s
public information film was actually meant for
real. The whole premise is so demented it just
reads like comedy.
http://www.archive.org/details/boys_beware
>> Embarrassment song <<
A song about private parts is always going to
be fantastic, of course. But what makes this a
strange one is that it's subtitled in Swedish.
One can only imagine what they're making of it.
Well, if all Scandinavians didn't speak perfect
English anyway.
http://www.putfile.com/media.php
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Fake U2 <<
These guys dressed up as U2 and played an
impromptu concert on the rooftop opposite
Madison Square Gardens. It fooled a lot of
people and got them arrested. Looks like a lot
of fun. Check out the amusing write-up here.
http://snipurl.com/fc7m
>> Pixel nonce game <<
You're a pedophile: Dress in a pink bear suit
and lure away small children by waving balloons.
But watch out for your evil rival in the brown
bear costume. He wants them for himself. Brr.
Disturbingly amoral.
http://www.donpixel.com/play/en/050526031143/
>> How to destroy the Earth <<
Ever thought about blowing up the world? This
bloke evidently has put some time in doing just
that. As ever in these cases, we'd love readers
to try these methods out and send us photos of
how you got on.
http://ned.ucam.org/~sdh31/misc/destroy.html
>> Goatse clock <<
eBay is always full of peculiar crap and it's
rare we something so odd that we feature it
here. But this really does take the cake. It's
an alarm clock, it's Mickey Mouse, it's...
goatse? BTW: And props to blogger Anil Dash
who this week managed to goatse the New York
Times via his t-shirt.
http://snipurl.com/fcbg
>> Photocopy cut out film <<
Clever animation made of clips from classic
movies. Apparently made of 65,000 photocopies -
if you've got a few minutes spare it's worth
checking out.
http://www.channel4.com/film/reviews/film.jsp
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: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Louise Wener
We remember one-time Brit-popper Louise, she
was the wanking-student's crumpet of the 90s,
always happy with a controversial quote for the
music weeklies, and didn't look bad in a
two-cock-gob kinda way.
Despite the hits drying up, and the promised
book career only selling about 4 copies to
confused German sausage aficionados, we're
pleased to see Louise is still working - as
a voice-over artist. You can download her
demo, and we even managed to crack one off to
her selling a car interior.
BTW: If you're bored, you should also check
Tony Slattery's audition. His neck sounds
very fat.
http://www.sueterryvoices.co.uk/female/louisewener...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Lemurs, Clicks, Meerkats & Ferrets 4-way spesh
Ok. This is the bit where we link to cute pics
of animals. Frankly it doesn't matter a sausage
what we write here so here's a handful of
off-colour jokes:
>> Lemur video <<
What's the worst thing about fucking a seven year
old? Washing the blood off the clown suit.
http://www.drusillas.co.uk/clips/lemur.asf
>> Piping Plover Chicks <<
"I called my boss, told him I wouldn't be coming
into work, that I was in bed sick. He said,
'You don't sound sick.' I said, 'I'm fucking my
little sister.'
http://www.1000birds.com/gallery_Piping-Plover1.ht...
>> Baby meerkat <<
Did you know Helen Keller had a tree-house?
Neither did she.
http://www.pbase.com/paulca/image/32838498
>> Mad ferrit <<
How do make a cat go "woooof"? Cover it in petrol
and set fire to it.
http://www.powerfunpage.de/v4/news/upload.php
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from The Wonders of the World Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us the wonders
of the world that didn't make the top seven.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/wonders/
We asked b3ta boarder Steve-Dave to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Mr S-D writes -
#1 "Giant Lionel Ritchie Head - I think we have
all dreamed about a giant Lionel Ritchie
head watching over our village. At least
once. (useful_idiot)
http://b3ta.com/board/4707914
#2 "Turin Skid-marks - Notable for making me
laugh and retch in equal measures.
(ratman)
http://b3ta.com/board/4706052
#3 "Here's a wonder - I am not sure if it's a
giant wonder woman, or a tiny girl, but I
know one thing. GUSSET! (Frumbert)
http://b3ta.com/board/4695507
The obligatory special mention has to go to
dieselmonkey for the worst pun I have
encountered in a long, long time.
http://b3ta.com/board/4719524
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the challenge dictator demands that
we create "New Toys in Breakfast Cereals"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/breakfast/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ANGUS MANUEL STILL MIGHTY - thanks for all
the kind words about B3ta's newest arrival,
the heir to the Ginger Furher's empire, young
Angus. Here are a couple more photos for his
fans. The ones with the official-B3ta-cat
Rocky are the best. BTW: Did you know our very
own tech-genius Cal Henderson programmed the
fantastically useful Flickr site? It even comes
with a little downloadable application that
automatically resizes, rotates and uploads
your photos. We bloody love it.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/
* MORE PHALLIC LOGOS - right, we know this
is a popular feature, but we're not your
"looking at cock logo bitches", so stop
it! We've had nearly 100 others suggested
to us this week alone. We feel like that
cancer boy who asked for 10,000 postcards.
Anyway. We did like this 1970s Finnish
record-company one, for it's got nice
bumming action.
http://www.lovemusic.fi/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Brick wall leveller
Like a cross between Tetris and Break Out on
special cuteness drugs. You have to level the
walls as much as you can before the time runs
out and, lo, there is much twee squeaking.
http://www.sobicsschool.com/fun/fun_game2.swf
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* THE OFFICE FAKIR - can you walk on drawing
pins? Can you staple your eyelids shut?
What about a post-it note mummification?
Enlightenment, and a no small bit of web
noteriety awaits your sacrifice.
* BEARD SONG - grow about a months worth
of facial hair. Film your self singing
to the tune of Godley & Creme's Cry, "
I don't know how to grow a beard". Trim
your beard. Sing the next line, "YOU
don't know how to grow a beard." Trim
it again. Carry on with the singing, "
My beard, my beard, I really want a
beard." Now comes the clever bit. Edit
the film backwards to it looks like
your have more and more cheek pubes
with each line. This would be fucking
great, trust us, we're the experts.
* GMAIL CALENDAR - dear lovely people at
Google: can we have a calendar application
please? It's really irritating to have to
constantly cut-and-paste emails into
a separate application to handle our
obviously very busy diary. Oh, and
please do some open access RSS / XML
stuff so that it can integrate into phones
and stuff too. Lovely.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel and
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by bryancater8, Woody999, mitch,
Stuk, Wizzard419, bryansj, Kev Maguire,
suzie_hotbox, _elle_, darloboy101, Goosegog,
wick47, Funtastic Pony Magic and virgo
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the sandy b4ta sharks. (102835-26007)
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TOP TIP:
If your newborn baby has a mild eye infection,
a small drop of breast milk rubbed into the area
will clear it up. (We're also hoping that B3ta's
resident weird chef is going to make some breast
milk cheese.)
