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This Week:
* GAME - Celebrity hybrids
* FOOD - Living on Guinness for a week
* ANIM - Singing arsehole vs. Erasure

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 184 - 3 Jun 2005

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  Speed Camera Special

  Been nicked for speeding? Thinking of being
  nicked for speeding? Don't feel liking shelling
  hundreds out for the Gizmos? Looks like a
  loophole here. At least buy one for your mate
  that has just been pinched!

  >> Advertise in B3ta <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.


  Celeb kids, Guinness diet and mongs

  >> Celebrity love-child quiz <<
  "Bloody celebrities eh?" blasts Doctor A. "Always
  rutting like crazed weasels within their own
  famous gene pool. I've designed a way to keep
  tabs on their potential offspring." See is you can
  guess the parentage of 20 celebrity hybrids in
  a quiz that's both big and clever.

  >> Guinness diet <<
  Mburt1 has been inspired (if that is the right
  word) by our recent Guinness-based experiments.
  Contending that the sinister stout is a 'meal
  in a glass', he vowed to live on a diet soley
  consisting of Guinness, water, pint of milk and
  a vitamin C tablet a day, for a whole week.
  See how he does with it on his blog. But we
  wouldn't get too near if we were you... very
  poorly tummy.

  >> Wonderwall vs. Mong Song <<
  There's no doubt this is the future of the
  mash-up scene. Dobsky takes the Oasis epic and
  lays on a thick crust of b3tards Jonti and Rob
  hooting and belming for all they're worth. In
  the words of the man himself, "It's different,
  I'll give it that."


  Fwappage for the truly deviant

  No strangers to nudge-nudge-wink-wink innuendo,
  synth-duo Erasure once titled an album "Two
  Ring Circus", and so it's with a happy heart
  the internet has repaid the compliment via
  a singing arse-hole mouthing the words to
  their 1988 hit "A Little Respect." Laugh? We
  couldn't stop.


  Onoseconds - stuff you'd rather you hadn't sent

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked you for the inappropriate
  things you'd accidentally emailed and texted:

  * "After spending what can only be described
    as an extremely sordid night with a sexy
    and utterly filthy young lady named Gemma,
    I decided to cheer her up by texting her,
    detailing everything I was intent on doing
    to her the next time. Graphically. Grandma
    was not amused to receive this. Not fully
    understanding it and seeking guidance as to
    the meaning of some of the content, neither
    was my mother. My gran won't sit next to me
    at family events any more." (dan j)

  * "My friend teaches Judo to young kids.
    During a drunken night out, someone got
    hold of his phone and did the usual thing
    of sending sexually explicit messages,
    this time to his girlfriend. Except
    his girlfriend was in his phone as 'Babe',
    not 'Emma'. Emma was a 12 year old from
    his Judo class. Next morning he had to
    phone Emma's parents and explain that their
    12 year old daughter may have received a
    text message saying her judo teacher
    wanted to shag her up the ass." (dr-kill)

  * "After a major system crash and several
    hours running round swearing, Boss sticks
    his head round the door and says, 'Do us a
    favour - send an on-screen message to all
    users to let 'em know the computer's no
    longer fucked.' So I did: 'ALL USERS:
    Then, I dropped my coffee mug. It landed
    on the Enter key. Our network had several
    hundred users in many varied locations
    round the world. I was no longer one of
    them." (scaryduck)
  We'd like to send our condolences to Hazey's
  mate who managed to get "I've an arse-hole like
  the back of Batman's car" to pop up over a
  friend's presentation to his directors, and we
  are slightly scared by Spastic Lequee's
  admission that he "tends not to wank in
  office stationery anymore."

  >> This Week's Question <<

  When animals attack... Have you been beaten up
  by an ant? Talk to us here:


  In-car toilet
  Three tips for on being caught short whilst
  needing a piss: firstly there's the
  tried-and-tested crossing your legs and
  and bouncing on the seat method. Advanced
  users will often sing "It's a Long Way to
  Tipperary." Secondly, men can seal their
  foreskin between their thumb and fore-finger
  creating a pee-filled flesh balloon. This
  only works for about the first 25cl of wee,
  after that you'll find the piss spurting
  out the sides in a two-headed yellow fountain.
  Thirdly? Well, science brings you an inflatable
  toilet which you can store in the back of
  your SUV. Frankly it strikes us as mental, the
  whole sales pitch is about "No-one Will Know
  You've Taken a Piss!" Like it's such a crime?
  Personally, we're big fans of nipping into
  MaccyD's for a McDump. BTW: Here's a quandary
  for you. Is it wrong to reply to an instant message
  whilst taking a dump? We don't know, but
  we certainly know it felt wrong and kinda good.
  (Hello Ben. We were shitting whilst we wrote


  If we were running Bid-Up TV...

  >> Insane daredevil stunt <<
  You can get used to anything and jumping out
  of aeroplanes is no exception. As near as we
  can make out, this chap deliberately sets his
  own parachute on fire. Just for a laugh.
  Suppose it beats watching telly.   

  >> Homosexuals: A warning from history <<
  "What Jimmy didn't know was that Ralph was
  sick, a sickness of the mind known as
  homosexuality." It's hard to believe this 1950s
  public information film was actually meant for
  real. The whole premise is so demented it just
  reads like comedy.  

  >> Embarrassment song <<
  A song about private parts is always going to
  be fantastic, of course. But what makes this a
  strange one is that it's subtitled in Swedish.
  One can only imagine what they're making of it.
  Well, if all Scandinavians didn't speak perfect
  English anyway.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Fake U2 <<
  These guys dressed up as U2 and played an
  impromptu concert on the rooftop opposite
  Madison Square Gardens. It fooled a lot of
  people and got them arrested. Looks like a lot
  of fun. Check out the amusing write-up here.

  >> Pixel nonce game <<
  You're a pedophile: Dress in a pink bear suit
  and lure away small children by waving balloons.
  But watch out for your evil rival in the brown
  bear costume. He wants them for himself. Brr.
  Disturbingly amoral.

  >> How to destroy the Earth <<
  Ever thought about blowing up the world? This
  bloke evidently has put some time in doing just
  that. As ever in these cases, we'd love readers
  to try these methods out and send us photos of
  how you got on.

  >> Goatse clock <<
  eBay is always full of peculiar crap and it's
  rare we something so odd that we feature it
  here. But this really does take the cake. It's
  an alarm clock, it's Mickey Mouse, it's...
  goatse? BTW: And props to blogger Anil Dash
  who this week managed to goatse the New York
  Times via his t-shirt.

  >> Photocopy cut out film <<
  Clever animation made of clips from classic
  movies. Apparently made of 65,000 photocopies -
  if you've got a few minutes spare it's worth
  checking out.


  Louise Wener

  We remember one-time Brit-popper Louise, she
  was the wanking-student's crumpet of the 90s,
  always happy with a controversial quote for the
  music weeklies, and didn't look bad in a
  two-cock-gob kinda way.

  Despite the hits drying up, and the promised
  book career only selling about 4 copies to 
  confused German sausage aficionados, we're
  pleased to see Louise is still working - as
  a voice-over artist. You can download her
  demo, and we even managed to crack one off to
  her selling a car interior. 

  BTW: If you're bored, you should also check
  Tony Slattery's audition. His neck sounds
  very fat.


  Lemurs, Clicks, Meerkats & Ferrets 4-way spesh

  Ok. This is the bit where we link to cute pics
  of animals. Frankly it doesn't matter a sausage
  what we write here so here's a handful of
  off-colour jokes: 

  >> Lemur video << 
  What's the worst thing about fucking a seven year
  old? Washing the blood off the clown suit. 

  >> Piping Plover Chicks <<
  "I called my boss, told him I wouldn't be coming
  into work, that I was in bed sick. He said,
  'You don't sound sick.' I said, 'I'm fucking my
  little sister.'

  >> Baby meerkat <<
  Did you know Helen Keller had a tree-house?
  Neither did she.

  >> Mad ferrit <<
  How do make a cat go "woooof"? Cover it in petrol
  and set fire to it. 

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Results from The Wonders of the World Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us the wonders
  of the world that didn't make the top seven.

  We asked b3ta boarder Steve-Dave to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Mr S-D writes -

  #1 "Giant Lionel Ritchie Head - I think we have
      all dreamed about a giant Lionel Ritchie
      head watching over our village. At least
      once. (useful_idiot)

  #2 "Turin Skid-marks - Notable for making me
      laugh and retch in equal measures.

  #3 "Here's a wonder - I am not sure if it's a
      giant wonder woman, or a tiny girl, but I
      know one thing. GUSSET! (Frumbert)

  The obligatory special mention has to go to
  dieselmonkey for the worst pun I have
  encountered in a long, long time.

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the challenge dictator demands that
  we create "New Toys in Breakfast Cereals"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ANGUS MANUEL STILL MIGHTY - thanks for all
    the kind words about B3ta's newest arrival,
    the heir to the Ginger Furher's empire, young
    Angus. Here are a couple more photos for his
    fans. The ones with the official-B3ta-cat
    Rocky are the best. BTW: Did you know our very
    own tech-genius Cal Henderson programmed the
    fantastically useful Flickr site? It even comes
    with a little downloadable application that
    automatically resizes, rotates and uploads
    your photos. We bloody love it.

  * MORE PHALLIC LOGOS - right, we know this
    is a popular feature, but we're not your
    "looking at cock logo bitches", so stop
    it! We've had nearly 100 others suggested
    to us this week alone. We feel like that
    cancer boy who asked for 10,000 postcards.
    Anyway. We did like this 1970s Finnish
    record-company one, for it's got nice
    bumming action.


  Brick wall leveller
  Like a cross between Tetris and Break Out on
  special cuteness drugs. You have to level the
  walls as much as you can before the time runs
  out and, lo, there is much twee squeaking.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * THE OFFICE FAKIR - can you walk on drawing
    pins? Can you staple your eyelids shut?
    What about a post-it note mummification?
    Enlightenment, and a no small bit of web
    noteriety awaits your sacrifice.

  * BEARD SONG - grow about a months worth
    of facial hair. Film your self singing
    to the tune of Godley & Creme's Cry, "
    I don't know how to grow a beard". Trim
    your beard. Sing the next line, "YOU
    don't know how to grow a beard." Trim
    it again. Carry on with the singing, "
    My beard, my beard, I really want a
    beard." Now comes the clever bit. Edit
    the film backwards to it looks like
    your have more and more cheek pubes
    with each line. This would be fucking
    great, trust us, we're the experts.
  * GMAIL CALENDAR - dear lovely people at
    Google: can we have a calendar application
    please? It's really irritating to have to 
    constantly cut-and-paste emails into
    a separate application to handle our
    obviously very busy diary. Oh, and
    please do some open access RSS / XML
    stuff so that it can integrate into phones
    and stuff too. Lovely.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel and 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by bryancater8, Woody999, mitch,
  Stuk, Wizzard419, bryansj, Kev Maguire,
  suzie_hotbox, _elle_, darloboy101, Goosegog,
  wick47, Funtastic Pony Magic and virgo
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the sandy b4ta sharks. (102835-26007)

  If your newborn baby has a mild eye infection,
  a small drop of breast milk rubbed into the area
  will clear it up. (We're also hoping that B3ta's
  resident weird chef is going to make some breast
  milk cheese.)

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