NEWSLETTER: "SISTER NEWSLETTER OF 'THE RANCID EGG APPRECIATION SOCIETY NEWSLETTER'"
This Week:
* PISS - What colour is yours?
* SHOPPY - Buy our t-shirts, make Pep rich
* QUIZZY - Kids' TV themes
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Pinch! Punch!
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| First of the month!"
B3ta email 279 - 1 Jun 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue279/
Subscribble: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINKY
Traffic information from Keepmoving
About to drive home? Get a free email traffic
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Quiz, texty bollocks and science stuff
>> Kids theme tune quiz <<
Seani has made a quiz to test your knowledge of
kids tv themes. However, he's clearly from a
different generation to us as we can't
recognise any of them. However, it proved to be
very popular with the youngtards on our board,
so linky time it is. BTW: There's a link to the
answers at the bottom of the newsletter.
http://junk.design4sale.co.uk/themes.htm
>> Condensed films <<
Scaryduck (famed for his one winning an award
from The Guardian for having the blog with the
best spelling), has been watching shite films
so you don't have to. Funny on Pretty Woman.
http://scaryduck.blogspot.com/search/label/Condens...
>> Does beetroot make your piss pink? <<
Adam writes - "For years I have been searching
for an excuse to display my own bodily fluids
on the Internet without receiving too much
abuse as a consequence. That day arrived
recently as I realised the wonderful world of
science provided an adequate justification,
namely the great wannabe myth-busters-style
investigation into the effect of beetroot on
urine."
http://snipurl.com/stinky_piss_fools
>> B3ta T-shirts <<
Let us tell you something, sorting out t-shirt
e-commerce bollocks is a fucking nightmare,
make no mistake. Anyway, B3ta's finest ginger
sex-babe Denise Wilton has been working her
pixelly fingers to the bone to bring you the
best t-shirts in the world. What's more? Each
one has been blessed by the Pope. Hah - sue us
now, you trading standards crab-bastards.
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
And that's all the thanks I got
Last week we asked for your stories of being
screwed over by people you were doing a
favour for:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thanksalot/
* FAILED ATTEMPT AT PROMOTION
"I complained to maintenance that the wheels
on my chair were squeaky. Just now, I tried
to pull my chair up to my boss's desk in the
usual lazy way - walking it forwards with my
feet whilst still sat on it. The supposedly
newly-fixed wheels stuck. I did not. I
basically pulled my own ass off the chair and
landed right at his feet. To add insult to
injury, the resulting bump made my boobs fly
right out of my neckline, giving him a lovely
view of my bra AND clean up my skirt. And
what thanks did I get for giving him this
visual treat? 'Here's the client number, I
want you to research this blah point on
blah...'" (rachelswipe)
* TIBETAN PULSING
"My friend's wife was suffering from
depression and started trying new age
remedies: yoga, meditation, hugging trees
etc. A dreadlocked hippy showed up one day
who charged my mate 100 quid to do Tibetan
Pulsing on his missus. He paid the hippy,
welcomed him into his home and left them
alone to do the treatment which consisted of
said hippy sticking his fingers up his missus
and "pulsing", whatever the fuck that is.
Anyway after a few weeks of my friend paying
for this hippy to stick his fingers up his
wife's muff, the wife ran off to Tibet with
the hippy and left my mate to bring up two
teenage kids. Moral of the the story, never
let a hippy stick his fingers up your wife,
even if if does put a smile on her face."
(dennisxxxx)
* ZORRO IS A LADY?
"I spent several months pursuing a very nice
bloke with whom I shared a mutual love of
French cinema. A common topic of conversation
was the amazing film Amelie, and how it'd be
totally amazing to fall in love like the two
main characters, even if Amelie does seem to
be a bit of a stalker. Since Amelie dresses
up as Zorro and photographs herself in a
photo-booth, with a time and place for the
object of her desire to meet her, and having
a Zorro costume (naturally) I thought, "what
better way of asking him out?" I promptly
went down to the local station and whacked my
costume on and took the photos. I sent them
in the post that day and waited. Two days
later, he sent them back. With a very polite
note explaining that he didn't fancy meeting
me for a drink and actually didn't like the
film much anyway. Lovely." (thants)
>> This Week's Question <<
Ever been mistaken for someone else? Mistaken
some poor stranger for an old mate? Tell us
all about it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mistakenidentity/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Image label guessing game <<
It's all about google improving the quality of
their image search. You're teamed up with an
anonymous partner to add tags to a
randomly-picked image. You score points for
words that you both guess for the same pic.
http://images.google.com/imagelabeler/
>> 'Suicide' improv <<
Truly a ridiculous stunt: a troupe of actors
stage a fake suicide stand-off. A troubled
businessman stands teetering precariously on a
ledge outside his office building while his
wife and loved ones plead with him not to jump.
Of course, he is only four feet off the ground.
http://www.improveverywhere.com/2005/12/10/suicide...
>> Help! I'm on a porno cover <<
Shocking story from a young woman who found a
self-portrait she put up on the internet stolen
and used as the cover of some dodgy porno DVD.
Oh yes and she was 14 at the time. Frightening
stuff, although we personally have little to
fear in terms of it happening to us. It would
have to be pretty specialist stuff.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/larajade/513641346/
>> Somethingawful vs Crazy Doll Lady <<
Running a website means daily dealings with
lunatics who threaten to sue. Here's how the
now-legendary Lowtax of Somethingawful deals
with the issue for his own amusement. It's not
just an amusing story - the woman who threatens
him makes a living from photoshopping children
into freakish half-doll monstrosities.
http://snipurl.com/fuck_nugget
>> Four-leaf clovers: a finder's guide <<
Supposedly immensely rare and conveying great
good fortune; here are easy-to-follow
instructions for locating and picking your own.
http://www.instructables.com/id/EFERB9ZF1U9XT6U/
>> Your drawings dancing <<
Draw a cartoon creation, press the button and
he'll jive for your amusement. Simple but good.
http://www.myfreeonlinegames.info/games/664/draw-y...
>> Anti-drugs horse book <<
Dating from 1991, this preachy equine-based
fable is so shockingly badly-written we
initially thought it was a spoof. But no, it's
the genuine article. Don't be like Latawnya the
naughty horse, stay away from drugs - and drink!
http://snipurl.com/drugs_mule
>> Bodypopping pipe-cleaner <<
Run your hands over the keyboard, wobble the
mouse about, watch in wonder as the nifty
pipe-cleaner dude busts a move. Excellent choice
of tunes - dance-floor fillers one and all.
http://www.davidbessler.com/pulldown/pipecleaner_d...
>> Top 15 Google Streetview sightings <<
We wondered how long it would take someone to
compile the oddities thrown up by Google's
megalomaniacal plan to photograph every street
in the world ever. The answer is "not long at
all". Interesting list, ranging from camera
fuckups to people getting caught doing stuff
they shouldn't.
http://mashable.com/2007/05/31/top-15-google-stree...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO FAAACKKK!
* TIGER - About 15 billion people emailed in
the Daily Mail photos of a tiger swimming
underwater. Not cute, but fuck it, we'll
mention it as the biggus cattus looks so damn
awesome that our heart has missed a beat.
http://snipurl.com/daily_mail_are_nazis
* KITTEN / CHICKS - and to return to our normal
programming, DIYJoe sent this photo, so
delightfully pretty and dainty that we're
giving up writing newsletters for pennies and
dedicating our lives to nursing baby animals.
http://www.blipfoto.com/view.php
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> How fire reacts to sound <<
The Ruben's tube physics experiment is a tube
full of flaming gas with a speaker at one end.
As soundwaves pass through the tube, the flames
make their wave form visible. The fire starts
really dancing when you play music.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_fire_reacts_to_sound...
>> Home shopping blooper <<
"Look at the horse," insists this pushy host,
holding up a huge print of a moth. Funny in
just how long he sticks to the script in the
face of obvious screw-up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> MJ Hibbett sings Fresh Prince <<
Gentle, acoustic cover of the Jazzy Jeff and
Will Smith hit of yesteryear.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boom_Boom_Boom_Shake_the...
>> Flaming thingamajig <<
A return for the Heath Robinson/Rube Goldberg
'incredibly long series of chain reactions'
stunt - this time the whole precarious
mechanism is based almost entirely on great
gouts of hungry flame. Definitely not to be
tried at home.
http://www.liveleak.com/view
>> Berries & cream dance <<
Deriving from a slightly sinister ad for
Starburst - a Little Lord Fauntleroy-alike
explains how to dance "like a little lad".
Advertising or not it would still be funny to
see this catch on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny, as in 'David Baddiel is a comedian'
* KID'S KNOBS - always happy to see some
internet-based paedo japery. Because raping
children is ha-ha-halarious. Just ask the NSPCC
for their bloopers tape.
http://tinyurl.com/2osl2l
* DICK CHOPP - Ben Goldacre of Badscience
fame writes, "My extremely delightful ex
girlfriend (whose name is Dr Suckling) takes
your NICHOLAS N BURNS-COX and raises you Dr
Richard Chopp, also a urologist."
http://www.urologyteam.com/our-doctors/dr-richard-...
* BUMMING - grahamhuman writes, "Aussie gay bar
bans straight guys. Loved the name of the club
owner, Mr McFeely." BTW: If you reverse his
name you get 'Mr Feelmucky' which is also quite
good. Sort of.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6697...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Updating Art Challenge
Last week we wanted you to steal old works of
art from the National Gallery and update them.
You went radio-rental.
Your favourites included:
* MAGRITTE - The brilliant Sheep demonstrates
that his 21st Century video trickery would have
worked equally well in surrealist Belgium
(Sheep)
* DA VINCI - Possibly apocalyptic stuff as
renaissance Italy meets anthropomorphised
Americana (shambla)
* CONSTABLE - Another lovely piece of pleasant
English countryside ruined by the long march of
progress (The Great Architect)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/national_gallery/
>> New challenge: Office Art <<
Throw away photoshop. This week we want you to
make a picture using a spreadsheet, a word
processor, or basically anything that's not
really meant for making images. Challenge
inspired by Mighty Nibus.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/officeart/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BUY A B3TARD A CAR - not going great this
project. Bids have reached the stunning total
(so far) of £155.01, which frankly wouldn't buy
Noddy a toy car. Anyway, maybe it'll all turn
out brilliant by the end of the auction. Who
knows?
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll
* STOOL SAMPLE TRIVIA - piffpuffpickle claims,
"Great newsletter this week - just felt I had
to comment on the 'Diarrhea' debate, and the
link to Wiki you provided. It was myself who
originally added the Bristol Stool Scale
article to Wiki, and it turned out a person I
(now) know at university made the diagram! The
reason I did so was because in a B3ta QOTW from
years ago about useless facts, someone had
posted about said scale. Being the inquisitive
person I am, I wanted to find out more but Wiki
didn't have the answer! Thus the page was born,
all thanks to B3ta!'
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* FLY / MOTORBIKE CAM - Strap a high-speed
extreme close-up camera to the wind-shield and
film the flies getting splatted. Would look
awesome.
* CUM TASTE CHALLENGE - Mameleft scribbles,
"Diet coke makes your cum taste sweet (all
those artificial sweeteners) and coffee makes it
taste sour. I wondered what other culinary
delights you could make by selectively eating
cum altering foods. A b3ta project for the
willing?"
* PHOTOGRAPH YOUR PET'S COCK - start a Flickr
group.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The Barman,
felix_fivethousand, kblackford, desgrippes,
Andrea*, Alex, fishyfishyfishyoooh AND
smithyta. Top Tippery by cap'nj Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Ripped to the tits
on coke as usual, b4ta. (Why these brackets are
here is anyone's guess.) How about a sensitive
documentary about women dealing with
childbirth-damaged vaginas? 'There's no use
crying about split milf.' Newsletter title from
wheelybird. Looking for answers?
http://junk.design4sale.co.uk/answers.htm
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TOP TIP:
Having trouble catching a spider under a glass?
Blow gently on the fellow - this tends to make
them retract their legs and remain still in an
attempt not to be blown clean away, thus making
capture easier.
