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This Week:
* PISS - What colour is yours?
* SHOPPY - Buy our t-shirts, make Pep rich
* QUIZZY - Kids' TV themes 

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "Pinch! Punch!
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     First of the month!"

B3ta email 279 - 1 Jun 2007

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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Quiz, texty bollocks and science stuff
  >> Kids theme tune quiz <<
  Seani has made a quiz to test your knowledge of
  kids tv themes. However, he's clearly from a
  different generation to us as we can't
  recognise any of them. However, it proved to be
  very popular with the youngtards on our board,
  so linky time it is. BTW: There's a link to the
  answers at the bottom of the newsletter.

  >> Condensed films <<
  Scaryduck (famed for his one winning an award
  from The Guardian for having the blog with the
  best spelling), has been watching shite films
  so you don't have to. Funny on Pretty Woman.

  >> Does beetroot make your piss pink? <<
  Adam writes - "For years I have been searching
  for an excuse to display my own bodily fluids
  on the Internet without receiving too much
  abuse as a consequence. That day arrived
  recently as I realised the wonderful world of
  science provided an adequate justification,
  namely the great wannabe myth-busters-style
  investigation into the effect of beetroot on

  >> B3ta T-shirts <<
  Let us tell you something, sorting out t-shirt
  e-commerce bollocks is a fucking nightmare,
  make no mistake. Anyway, B3ta's finest ginger
  sex-babe Denise Wilton has been working her
  pixelly fingers to the bone to bring you the
  best t-shirts in the world. What's more? Each
  one has been blessed by the Pope. Hah - sue us
  now, you trading standards crab-bastards.


  And that's all the thanks I got

  Last week we asked for your stories of being
  screwed over by people you were doing a
  favour for:

    "I complained to maintenance that the wheels
    on my chair were squeaky. Just now, I tried
    to pull my chair up to my boss's desk in the
    usual lazy way - walking it forwards with my
    feet whilst still sat on it. The supposedly
    newly-fixed wheels stuck. I did not. I
    basically pulled my own ass off the chair and
    landed right at his feet. To add insult to
    injury, the resulting bump made my boobs fly
    right out of my neckline, giving him a lovely
    view of my bra AND clean up my skirt. And
    what thanks did I get for giving him this
    visual treat? 'Here's the client number, I
    want you to research this blah point on
    blah...'" (rachelswipe)
    "My friend's wife was suffering from
    depression and started trying new age
    remedies: yoga, meditation, hugging trees
    etc. A dreadlocked hippy showed up one day
    who charged my mate 100 quid to do Tibetan
    Pulsing on his missus. He paid the hippy,
    welcomed him into his home and left them
    alone to do the treatment which consisted of
    said hippy sticking his fingers up his missus
    and "pulsing", whatever the fuck that is.
    Anyway after a few weeks of my friend paying
    for this hippy to stick his fingers up his
    wife's muff, the wife ran off to Tibet with
    the hippy and left my mate to bring up two
    teenage kids. Moral of the the story, never
    let a hippy stick his fingers up your wife,
    even if if does put a smile on her face."
    "I spent several months pursuing a very nice
    bloke with whom I shared a mutual love of
    French cinema. A common topic of conversation
    was the amazing film Amelie, and how it'd be
    totally amazing to fall in love like the two
    main characters, even if Amelie does seem to
    be a bit of a stalker. Since Amelie dresses
    up as Zorro and photographs herself in a
    photo-booth, with a time and place for the
    object of her desire to meet her, and having
    a Zorro costume (naturally) I thought, "what
    better way of asking him out?" I promptly
    went down to the local station and whacked my
    costume on and took the photos. I sent them
    in the post that day and waited. Two days
    later, he sent them back. With a very polite
    note explaining that he didn't fancy meeting
    me for a drink and actually didn't like the
    film much anyway. Lovely." (thants)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Ever been mistaken for someone else? Mistaken
  some poor stranger for an old mate? Tell us
  all about it:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Image label guessing game <<
  It's all about google improving the quality of
  their image search. You're teamed up with an
  anonymous partner to add tags to a
  randomly-picked image. You score points for
  words that you both guess for the same pic. 

  >> 'Suicide' improv <<
  Truly a ridiculous stunt: a troupe of actors
  stage a fake suicide stand-off. A troubled
  businessman stands teetering precariously on a
  ledge outside his office building while his
  wife and loved ones plead with him not to jump.
  Of course, he is only four feet off the ground. 

  >> Help! I'm on a porno cover <<
  Shocking story from a young woman who found a
  self-portrait she put up on the internet stolen
  and used as the cover of some dodgy porno DVD.
  Oh yes and she was 14 at the time. Frightening
  stuff, although we personally have little to
  fear in terms of it happening to us. It would
  have to be pretty specialist stuff.

  >> Somethingawful vs Crazy Doll Lady <<
  Running a website means daily dealings with
  lunatics who threaten to sue. Here's how the
  now-legendary Lowtax of Somethingawful deals
  with the issue for his own amusement. It's not
  just an amusing story - the woman who threatens
  him makes a living from photoshopping children
  into freakish half-doll monstrosities.

  >> Four-leaf clovers: a finder's guide <<
  Supposedly immensely rare and conveying great
  good fortune; here are easy-to-follow
  instructions for locating and picking your own.

  >> Your drawings dancing <<
  Draw a cartoon creation, press the button and
  he'll jive for your amusement. Simple but good.

  >> Anti-drugs horse book <<
  Dating from 1991, this preachy equine-based
  fable is so shockingly badly-written we
  initially thought it was a spoof. But no, it's
  the genuine article. Don't be like Latawnya the
  naughty horse, stay away from drugs - and drink!

  >> Bodypopping pipe-cleaner <<
  Run your hands over the keyboard, wobble the
  mouse about, watch in wonder as the nifty
  pipe-cleaner dude busts a move. Excellent choice
  of tunes - dance-floor fillers one and all.

  >> Top 15 Google Streetview sightings <<
  We wondered how long it would take someone to
  compile the oddities thrown up by Google's
  megalomaniacal plan to photograph every street
  in the world ever. The answer is "not long at
  all". Interesting list, ranging from camera
  fuckups to people getting caught doing stuff
  they shouldn't.



  * TIGER - About 15 billion people emailed in
  the Daily Mail photos of a tiger swimming
  underwater. Not cute, but fuck it, we'll
  mention it as the biggus cattus looks so damn
  awesome that our heart has missed a beat.

  * KITTEN / CHICKS - and to return to our normal
  programming, DIYJoe sent this photo, so
  delightfully pretty and dainty that we're
  giving up writing newsletters for pennies and
  dedicating our lives to nursing baby animals.



  >> How fire reacts to sound <<
  The Ruben's tube physics experiment is a tube
  full of flaming gas with a speaker at one end.
  As soundwaves pass through the tube, the flames
  make their wave form visible. The fire starts
  really dancing when you play music.

  >> Home shopping blooper <<
  "Look at the horse," insists this pushy host,
  holding up a huge print of a moth. Funny in
  just how long he sticks to the script in the
  face of obvious screw-up.

  >> MJ Hibbett sings Fresh Prince <<
  Gentle, acoustic cover of the Jazzy Jeff and
  Will Smith hit of yesteryear.  

  >> Flaming thingamajig <<
  A return for the Heath Robinson/Rube Goldberg
  'incredibly long series of chain reactions'
  stunt - this time the whole precarious
  mechanism is based almost entirely on great
  gouts of hungry flame. Definitely not to be
  tried at home.

  >> Berries & cream dance <<
  Deriving from a slightly sinister ad for
  Starburst - a Little Lord Fauntleroy-alike
  explains how to dance "like a little lad".
  Advertising or not it would still be funny to
  see this catch on.


  Funny, as in 'David Baddiel is a comedian'

  * KID'S KNOBS - always happy to see some
  internet-based paedo japery. Because raping
  children is ha-ha-halarious. Just ask the NSPCC
  for their bloopers tape.

  * DICK CHOPP - Ben Goldacre of Badscience
  fame writes, "My extremely delightful ex
  girlfriend (whose name is Dr Suckling) takes
  your NICHOLAS N BURNS-COX and raises you Dr
  Richard Chopp, also a urologist." 

  * BUMMING - grahamhuman writes, "Aussie gay bar
  bans straight guys. Loved the name of the club
  owner, Mr McFeely." BTW: If you reverse his
  name you get 'Mr Feelmucky' which is also quite
  good. Sort of.


  Results from the Updating Art Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to steal old works of
  art from the National Gallery and update them.
  You went radio-rental.

  Your favourites included:
  * MAGRITTE - The brilliant Sheep demonstrates
  that his 21st Century video trickery would have
  worked equally well in surrealist Belgium

  * DA VINCI - Possibly apocalyptic stuff as
  renaissance Italy meets anthropomorphised
  Americana (shambla) 

  * CONSTABLE - Another lovely piece of pleasant
  English countryside ruined by the long march of
  progress (The Great Architect)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Office Art <<
  Throw away photoshop. This week we want you to
  make a picture using a spreadsheet, a word
  processor, or basically anything that's not
  really meant for making images. Challenge
  inspired by Mighty Nibus. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BUY A B3TARD A CAR - not going great this
  project. Bids have reached the stunning total
  (so far) of £155.01, which frankly wouldn't buy
  Noddy a toy car. Anyway, maybe it'll all turn
  out brilliant by the end of the auction. Who

  * STOOL SAMPLE TRIVIA - piffpuffpickle claims,
  "Great newsletter this week - just felt I had
  to comment on the 'Diarrhea' debate, and the
  link to Wiki you provided. It was myself who
  originally added the Bristol Stool Scale
  article to Wiki, and it turned out a person I
  (now) know at university made the diagram! The
  reason I did so was because in a B3ta QOTW from
  years ago about useless facts, someone had
  posted about said scale. Being the inquisitive
  person I am, I wanted to find out more but Wiki
  didn't have the answer! Thus the page was born,
  all thanks to B3ta!'



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * FLY / MOTORBIKE CAM - Strap a high-speed
  extreme close-up camera to the wind-shield and
  film the flies getting splatted. Would look

  * CUM TASTE CHALLENGE - Mameleft scribbles,
  "Diet coke makes your cum taste sweet (all
  those artificial sweeteners) and coffee makes it
  taste sour. I wondered what other culinary
  delights you could make by selectively eating
  cum altering foods. A b3ta project for the

  * PHOTOGRAPH YOUR PET'S COCK - start a Flickr

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by  The Barman,
  felix_fivethousand, kblackford, desgrippes,
  Andrea*, Alex, fishyfishyfishyoooh AND
  smithyta. Top Tippery by cap'nj Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Ripped to the tits
  on coke as usual, b4ta. (Why these brackets are
  here is anyone's guess.) How about a sensitive
  documentary about women dealing with
  childbirth-damaged vaginas? 'There's no use
  crying about split milf.' Newsletter title from
  wheelybird. Looking for answers?


  Having trouble catching a spider under a glass?
  Blow gently on the fellow - this tends to make
  them retract their legs and remain still in an
  attempt not to be blown clean away, thus making
  capture easier.

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