NEWSLETTER: "WORTH A MILLION OF NEXT WEEK'S NEWSLETTER"
This Week:
* MOUSTACHE - Tom Selleck's wonderful lip-hair
* NOTICE - Real world trolling
* PENGUIN - Being aggressive
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're mourning the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | official B3ta
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cat... together"
B3ta email 497 - 23 Sept 2011
Read this issue in the library of sexual congress:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue497/
Friends: [email protected]
Back stabbers: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Jawbone JamBox Wireless Bluetooth Speaker
In our constant struggle to get music played
round the house effectively we bought on a bit
of a whim the JamBox (it was recommended on
twitter by @glinner) and you know what? Pretty
impressive box. The size of a hamster coffin but
with bass that can make your heart palpitate. We
use it to play music off our iPad (leaving iPad
in bedroom) and take the JamBox to the bath.
Then we quite literally rock out with our cock
out. Everything out really, it being bath-time.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004L4EDG...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Notices, Nudes, Robots and Clones
>> Real-life messageboard trolling <<
"I got dragged into a battle against the
self-appointed guardians of the noticeboard in
our local shopping precinct," confesses
Scaryduck. "One thing lead to another, and
before I knew it, I was chairing imaginary
meetings of the Thames Valley Extreme Knitting
Circle."
http://caversham.tumblr.com/
>> Scarlett Johansson Nudes <<
"Oh my..." Eddache's animated response to those
leaked pictures.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Scarlett_Johansson_Nudes
>> Robocatslugs <<
"I'm very proud of this one," brags
grape-productions. Something is amiss in the
world of the Catslugs. "This one has robots." Oh
yeah, that would be it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Robocatlugs
>> InfiniTyler <<
"This is my little boy," explains Black Moon.
"Playing football in the garden playing football
in the garden playing foot..." Like Cyriak,
except his head doesn't split open and a
thousand goats pour out.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/InfiniTyler
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I didn't do it
We asked for the things you absolutely, most
definitely did not do. But secretly did:
http://b3ta.com/questions/notme/
* LARGE EDAM COLLIDER - "I take my job very
seriously. So whilst running experiments at a
large, complicated and expensive synchrotron
light source, I have never leant over the safety
gantry to see whether the liquid nitrogen line
was properly connected. I have certainly never
done this whilst holding a partially-unwrapped
Babybel cheese in my mouth. This would then
imply that I have never, when asked whether the
nitrogen was in place, opened my mouth to say
“yes”, thus dropping the cheese down into the
beamline. Had such a thing occurred, however, I
would have dealt with it professionally and
responsibly and not lain on the floor, giggling
like a lunatic for the next 15 minutes. When the
world is finally annihilated, not by war, nor
the nefarious tactics of a rogue scientist,
hell-bent on destruction, but by an overtired
muppet with a penchant for mild cheese, it
certainly won’t be me to blame..." (Rakky
(forgot her password))
* WEE FEET - "Woolwich swimming pool in my early
teens, I'd returned to the changing rooms when I
became aware of a need to urinate quite badly.
Nice and cosy in my towel, I couldn't be arsed
to trek to the, frankly disgusting, toilets.
Looking down I noticed the channel built into
the floor that allows the water to run off into
the drain. I was pretty sure that I was in the
end cubicle so I relaxed and let flow. I
watched, fascinated, as the stream of piss made
its way under the cubicle wall. Then: doubt. I
bend down only to see it pooling with
devastating effect around an enormous pair of
feet in what had to be the next cubicle. I
immediately stop pissing and start praying that
the guy next door doesn't look down. He does.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" an enormous outraged gentleman
with dreadlocks and a tiny pair of speedos
shouts at me in Jamaican patois) "Did you piss
on the fucking floor?" I told him I'd watched it
come trickling down from the cubicles further
up, and was changed and out of there before he
could realise it was in fact I who was the
phantom pisser." (BinDipper )
* MORE TRAINING, YOU NEED - "Dear Wife. That
smashed photo frame in our living room from a
year ago, which somehow occurred when you were
out on the raz with a few mates and I was stuck
in the house wasn't the result of the cat
chasing a fly, like I said it was. It was the
result of me getting drunk and watching Star
Wars A New Hope on DVD while swinging the
kitchen broom around my head, pretending to
deflect laser fire from a training drone. Ahem."
(Jeccius)
>> This Week's Question: Fix the world <<
Let out you inner Jeremy Clarkson and tell us
how you'd fix the world using ludicrous over-
simplification, mis-representation and pub
logic. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fixtheworld/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Paper people <<
Are you one of the lucky few who can afford the
ink to run a printer? Then waste a few of those
precious champagne drops printing out some
people and making them into 3D models. Examples
include Louis Theroux and Jon Ronson. Maybe you
could make them have a desk fight about who is
the best at faux-naive documentary making?
http://weepaperpeople.blogspot.com/
>> Find my goddess <<
Do you remember the internet in the 90s? It was
a lovely place full of very weird people using
it to express their quirky points of view.
Relive those times with Mark, who's looking for a
sacred prostitute. (Sacred, not scared)
http://www.findingmygoddess.com
>> Computer criminals of the far future <<
From a 1981 prediction book about the wonderful
world of the future. This is the shit people of
our generation were raised on. Ho hum.
http://is.gd/tf9g5t
Full book here:
http://www.goaste.cx/museum/worldoftomorrowschoolw...
>> Confiscated in the Houses of Parliament <<
Stuff the Met have confiscated from public
visiting parliament: science putty, sellotape &
a riding crop. Hooray for security theatre.
http://www.met.police.uk/foi/pdfs/disclosure_2011/...
>> Draw a stickman <<
We lost count of the amount of people who sent
this link it. Well, we stopped counting at 5.
Also, everybody suggests you draw a cock.
Try it.
http://www.drawastickman.com
>> The best nonsexual sensation ever <<
Lovely thread from MeFi here. Our answer?
Having a piss when you're desperate, although we
did this the other day and nipped into a bush in
a public park and felt so paranoid about being
arrested we spun out and worried we might be
peeing on a dead prostitute in the undergrowth
and leaving our DNA everywhere.
http://is.gd/6WWUvJ
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
* Pirates
* Dentists
* Reading out the alphabet
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like cinema but without the smell of piss
>> Penguin rampage <<
Slapstick in the Antarctic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_am_drunk
>> Nigella, you saucy tart <<
"My clam flesh is absolutely addictive," claims
TV chef-woman. She normally lays on the innuendo
so thick, we wonder how much editing was really
required.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nigella_you_saucy_tart
>> Tom Selleck's moustache <<
Everything is better with a bushy moustache.
Everything.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tom_Sellecks_Moustache
>> Face-change coolness <<
Good news, actors! Soon we won't need you at
all, just a picture of your face. Interesting
demo of real-time face substitution software.
http://vimeo.com/29279198
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Barry Funny. Lol.
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: FROM THE ARCHIVES
Giovanni & Sebastian
Long-term readers and news readers alike, lend
us your ears and rejoice to the old school
sounds of Giovanni & Sebastian. Best track? "I
Say Potato". Download it to your hard disk, and
burn a CD to play on your Discman.
http://www.giovanniandsebastian.blogspot.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Fluffy Challenge
Last week we wanted you to add to the legend
that is Fluffy the penguin.
Your favourites included:
* PARTY - celebrating beta's 10th birthday with
a cast of tens (emcee)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10541500
* HERO - following the Zelig-like career of
Fluffy, people's penguin (Clay)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10537764
* ICON - priceless pixel-perfect penguin
portrayal (Threepwood)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10537011
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fluffypenguin/
>> New challenge: Three-Frame Movies <<
This week's task is to edit Hollywood classics
down to the essentials, and relate the entire
plot of a movie in just three frames. Easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/threeframes/
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: RIP ROCKY
Official B3ta cat obit
We had a cat. He was called Rocky, and it amused
us to refer to him as the "official B3ta cat" as
it made us think about how Blue Peter had pets,
so that their poor viewers sitting in their high
rises could experience having a pet in an
environment that didn't allow it. Anyway, the
poor shit has got increasingly ill over the last
few months: weight loss, hair loss, rotten
teeth, mouth abscesses, suspected cancerous
growths, you name it. So it was time to take him
off to kitty Dignitas and say goodbye. But
remember him this way - when he was healthy and
fat (we'll spare you the photos that we took on
his final day. They had a Freddy Mercury in 1991
quality.) Here's to Rocky, the best and the
worst cat in the world:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* YAYS ALL ROUND - manolith writes, "Just wanted
to let you know that over the weekend following
the b3ta newsletter, the pledgemusic drive thing
for Thomas Truax was successful in reaching its
target. Thanks for putting the link in and
thanks to any b3tans who 'pledged'. Hope they
enjoy the album!"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Truax
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: FRIDAY GAME
Crisp game
Eat a packet of crisps but don't swallow until
your mouth turns all 35grams into a delicious,
salty mouth-soup. Suck this backwards and
forwards between your teeth. Repeat with a
second bag of crisps.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MASH UP RASTA MOUSE TO SING THE WORDS OF
LINTON KWESI JOHNSON - Reggae Fi Peach would be
a good one. (This song is about Blair Peach a
school teacher from New Zealand, who was killed
protesting against Neo-Nazis by Met's SP - the
precursor to CO20.)
* SHIT TWITTER JOKE MACHINE - Please invent an
online tool where you can put in two concepts
(eg elephants, pop music) and it generates a pun
for you.
* A GOLD PINSENTRY WITH A BACKLIGHT - FFS
banking twats, if you insist on making us use
this shitty tech then at least make the LCD have
a light on it. Some of us have to pay our bills
by candlelight, you know.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Lovelies: [email protected]
Pesky twats: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Your Dad with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @scaryduck,
uzzardC4H5As, zedd, humanthing, @nikroope,
@juandelbalde, @njhamer, @TheoEsc,
@recognisethis, @danielbevis, @buddaboyplay,
@Wildheart_Baby. Top Tippery by jaimiemackay.
Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
Mushroom.
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: YOUR JACUZZI STORIES
Bubble trouble
Last week we mentioned pouring bubble-bath in a
hotel jacuzzi and accidentally turning ourselves
into a foamy monster. Some of you replied with
your own stories:
* PORN GIRLS - Mike Pearce writes, "Your thing
about bubble-bath in a jacuzzi reminded me of the
time I worked for a porn company. They had a
house in Surrey that the cam girls used and
lived in, I was the ITguy/developer and, as they
worked 24hrs in shifts, I was on 24hr call.
"One night, I get a call from an irate camgirl
suggesting that perhaps I should come in as the
server room was about to be flooded. Not the
brightest crayons in the box, I assumed
something had over-flowed and was seeping under
the door.
"I rushed to the house to find that one of the
lovelies decided to use the jacuzzi room and
added bubble bath to the damn thing. This was on
the 1st floor, opposite the server room. Sure
enough, there was about 400 litres of baby-oil
scented, pink foam in the upstairs, downstairs
and seeping under the server room door. She'd
even covered the PC, keyboard and monitor in it!
It's a wonder she didn't electrocute herself!
"Subscribers doubled that night."
* CORPORATE WATERFAIL - A Lurker writes, "My
late brother only ever took one big foreign
holiday in his life. He was a TT racer (which is
what did for him eventually) so the holiday was
a solo 'bike tour of the US. One day he checks
into a newly-built hotel and it's one of those
tower block affairs where the atrium is the full
height of the building, all enclosed in glass
with balconies for each floor overlooking the
atrium which has trees and ponds and bars and a
café etc etc laid out in it. (This was in 1981 I
think so it was quite novel.) From a balcony
half-way up the building there was a waterfall
which ended in a pond behind the reception
desk. On the first night that he was there
someone emptied a bottle of washing-up liquid in
to the waterfall. They were still mopping up 24
hours later...
"Also, with the old-fashioned shape electric
kettles (may also work with jug type, never
tried) a generous dollop of washing-up liquid
makes the kettle fire a jet of foam when it
boils. Unfortunately it will continue to do this
in diminishing amounts for many subsequent
boilings, and the water will taste of soap too,
so NSFH?
" If you want to recreate the waterfall incident
above in your own home, and who wouldn't, simply
replace the proper powder in your dishwasher
with a small cupful of washing-up liquid and
run as normal. Your kitchen will be 3" deep in
foam in under 15 minutes, guaranteed...
"Am I your washing-up liquid tomfoolery
correspondent? It's beginning to look that
way..."
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TOP TIP:
If you want to remember how it was to be young
again, kneel down next time you go for a pee.
(BTW this only works for guys)
