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This Week:
* MOUSTACHE - Tom Selleck's wonderful lip-hair
* NOTICE - Real world trolling
* PENGUIN - Being aggressive

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're mourning the     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    official B3ta 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      cat... together"

B3ta email 497 - 23 Sept 2011

Read this issue in the library of sexual congress:

       Friends:  [email protected]
Back stabbers:  [email protected]

  Jawbone JamBox Wireless Bluetooth Speaker

  In our constant struggle to get music played
  round the house effectively we bought on a bit
  of a whim the JamBox (it was recommended on
  twitter by @glinner) and you know what? Pretty
  impressive box. The size of a hamster coffin but
  with bass that can make your heart palpitate. We
  use it to play music off our iPad (leaving iPad
  in bedroom) and take the JamBox to the bath.
  Then we quite literally rock out with our cock
  out. Everything out really, it being bath-time.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Notices, Nudes, Robots and Clones

  >> Real-life messageboard trolling <<
  "I got dragged into a battle against the
  self-appointed guardians of the noticeboard in
  our local shopping precinct," confesses
  Scaryduck. "One thing lead to another, and
  before I knew it, I was chairing imaginary
  meetings of the Thames Valley Extreme Knitting

  >> Scarlett Johansson Nudes <<
  "Oh my..." Eddache's animated response to those
  leaked pictures.

  >> Robocatslugs <<
  "I'm very proud of this one," brags
  grape-productions. Something is amiss in the
  world of the Catslugs. "This one has robots." Oh
  yeah, that would be it.

  >> InfiniTyler <<
  "This is my little boy," explains Black Moon.
  "Playing football in the garden playing football
  in the garden playing foot..." Like Cyriak,
  except his head doesn't split open and a
  thousand goats pour out.


  I didn't do it

  We asked for the things you absolutely, most
  definitely did not do. But secretly did:

  * LARGE EDAM COLLIDER - "I take my job very
  seriously. So whilst running experiments at a
  large, complicated and expensive synchrotron
  light source, I have never leant over the safety
  gantry to see whether the liquid nitrogen line
  was properly connected. I have certainly never
  done this whilst holding a partially-unwrapped
  Babybel cheese in my mouth. This would then
  imply that I have never, when asked whether the
  nitrogen was in place, opened my mouth to say
  “yes”, thus dropping the cheese down into the
  beamline. Had such a thing occurred, however, I
  would have dealt with it professionally and
  responsibly and not lain on the floor, giggling
  like a lunatic for the next 15 minutes. When the
  world is finally annihilated, not by war, nor
  the nefarious tactics of a rogue scientist,
  hell-bent on destruction, but by an overtired
  muppet with a penchant for mild cheese, it
  certainly won’t be me to blame..." (Rakky
  (forgot her password))
  * WEE FEET - "Woolwich swimming pool in my early
  teens, I'd returned to the changing rooms when I
  became aware of a need to urinate quite badly.
  Nice and cosy in my towel, I couldn't be arsed
  to trek to the, frankly disgusting, toilets.
  Looking down I noticed the channel built into
  the floor that allows the water to run off into
  the drain. I was pretty sure that I was in the
  end cubicle so I relaxed and let flow. I
  watched, fascinated, as the stream of piss made
  its way under the cubicle wall. Then: doubt. I
  bend down only to see it pooling with
  devastating effect around an enormous pair of
  feet in what had to be the next cubicle. I
  immediately stop pissing and start praying that
  the guy next door doesn't look down. He does.
  "WHAT THE FUCK!" an enormous outraged gentleman
  with dreadlocks and a tiny pair of speedos
  shouts at me in Jamaican patois) "Did you piss
  on the fucking floor?" I told him I'd watched it
  come trickling down from the cubicles further
  up, and was changed and out of there before he
  could realise it was in fact I who was the
  phantom pisser." (BinDipper )
  * MORE TRAINING, YOU NEED - "Dear Wife. That
  smashed photo frame in our living room from a
  year ago, which somehow occurred when you were
  out on the raz with a few mates and I was stuck
  in the house wasn't the result of the cat
  chasing a fly, like I said it was. It was the
  result of me getting drunk and watching Star
  Wars A New Hope on DVD while swinging the
  kitchen broom around my head, pretending to
  deflect laser fire from a training drone. Ahem."

  >> This Week's Question: Fix the world <<
  Let out you inner Jeremy Clarkson and tell us
  how you'd fix the world using ludicrous over-
  simplification, mis-representation and pub
  logic. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Paper people <<
  Are you one of the lucky few who can afford the
  ink to run a printer? Then waste a few of those
  precious champagne drops printing out some
  people and making them into 3D models. Examples
  include Louis Theroux and Jon Ronson. Maybe you
  could make them have a desk fight about who is
  the best at faux-naive documentary making?

  >> Find my goddess <<
  Do you remember the internet in the 90s? It was
  a lovely place full of very weird people using
  it to express their quirky points of view.
  Relive those times with Mark, who's looking for a
  sacred prostitute. (Sacred, not scared)

  >> Computer criminals of the far future <<
  From a 1981 prediction book about the wonderful
  world of the future. This is the shit people of
  our generation were raised on. Ho hum.

  Full book here:

  >> Confiscated in the Houses of Parliament <<
  Stuff the Met have confiscated from public
  visiting parliament: science putty, sellotape &
  a riding crop. Hooray for security theatre.

  >> Draw a stickman <<
  We lost count of the amount of people who sent
  this link it. Well, we stopped counting at 5.
  Also, everybody suggests you draw a cock.
  Try it.

  >> The best nonsexual sensation ever <<
  Lovely thread from MeFi here. Our answer? 
  Having a piss when you're desperate, although we
  did this the other day and nipped into a bush in
  a public park and felt so paranoid about being
  arrested we spun out and worried we might be
  peeing on a dead prostitute in the undergrowth
  and leaving our DNA everywhere.



  * Pirates
  * Dentists
  * Reading out the alphabet


  Like cinema but without the smell of piss

  >> Penguin rampage <<
  Slapstick in the Antarctic.

  >> Nigella, you saucy tart <<
  "My clam flesh is absolutely addictive," claims
  TV chef-woman. She normally lays on the innuendo
  so thick, we wonder how much editing was really

  >> Tom Selleck's moustache <<
  Everything is better with a bushy moustache.

  >> Face-change coolness <<
  Good news, actors! Soon we won't need you at
  all, just a picture of your face. Interesting
  demo of real-time face substitution software.



  Barry Funny. Lol.


  Giovanni & Sebastian 

  Long-term readers and news readers alike, lend
  us your ears and rejoice to the old school
  sounds of Giovanni & Sebastian. Best track? "I
  Say Potato". Download it to your hard disk, and
  burn a CD to play on your Discman.


  Results from the Fluffy Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to add to the legend
  that is Fluffy the penguin.

  Your favourites included:
  * PARTY - celebrating beta's 10th birthday with
  a cast of tens (emcee)

  * HERO - following the Zelig-like career of
  Fluffy, people's penguin (Clay)

  * ICON - priceless pixel-perfect penguin
  portrayal (Threepwood)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Three-Frame Movies <<
  This week's task is to edit Hollywood classics
  down to the essentials, and relate the entire
  plot of a movie in just three frames. Easy.


  Official B3ta cat obit

  We had a cat. He was called Rocky, and it amused
  us to refer to him as the "official B3ta cat" as
  it made us think about how Blue Peter had pets,
  so that their poor viewers sitting in their high
  rises could experience having a pet in an
  environment that didn't allow it. Anyway, the
  poor shit has got increasingly ill over the last
  few months: weight loss, hair loss, rotten
  teeth, mouth abscesses, suspected cancerous
  growths, you name it. So it was time to take him
  off to kitty Dignitas and say goodbye. But
  remember him this way - when he was healthy and
  fat (we'll spare you the photos that we took on
  his final day. They had a Freddy Mercury in 1991
  quality.) Here's to Rocky, the best and the
  worst cat in the world:



  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * YAYS ALL ROUND - manolith writes, "Just wanted
  to let you know that over the weekend following
  the b3ta newsletter, the pledgemusic drive thing
  for Thomas Truax was successful in reaching its
  target. Thanks for putting the link in and
  thanks to any b3tans who 'pledged'. Hope they
  enjoy the album!"


  Crisp game

  Eat a packet of crisps but don't swallow until
  your mouth turns all 35grams into a delicious,
  salty mouth-soup. Suck this backwards and
  forwards between your teeth. Repeat with a
  second bag of crisps.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  LINTON KWESI JOHNSON - Reggae Fi Peach would be
  a good one. (This song is about Blair Peach a
  school teacher from New Zealand, who was killed
  protesting against Neo-Nazis by Met's SP - the
  precursor to CO20.)

  * SHIT TWITTER JOKE MACHINE - Please invent an
  online tool where you can put in two concepts
  (eg elephants, pop music) and it generates a pun
  for you. 

  banking twats, if you insist on making us use
  this shitty tech then at least make the LCD have
  a light on it. Some of us have to pay our bills
  by candlelight, you know.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Lovelies:  [email protected]
  Pesky twats:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Your Dad with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @scaryduck,
  uzzardC4H5As, zedd, humanthing, @nikroope,
  @juandelbalde, @njhamer, @TheoEsc,
  @recognisethis, @danielbevis, @buddaboyplay,
  @Wildheart_Baby. Top Tippery by jaimiemackay.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via 

  Bubble trouble
  Last week we mentioned pouring bubble-bath in a
  hotel jacuzzi and accidentally turning ourselves
  into a foamy monster. Some of you replied with
  your own stories:

  * PORN GIRLS - Mike Pearce writes, "Your thing
  about bubble-bath in a jacuzzi reminded me of the
  time I worked for a porn company. They had a
  house in Surrey that the cam girls used and
  lived in, I was the ITguy/developer and, as they
  worked 24hrs in shifts, I was on 24hr call.

  "One night, I get a call from an irate camgirl
  suggesting that perhaps I should come in as the
  server room was about to be flooded. Not the
  brightest crayons in the box, I assumed
  something had over-flowed and was seeping under
  the door.

  "I rushed to the house to find that one of the
  lovelies decided to use the jacuzzi room and
  added bubble bath to the damn thing. This was on
  the 1st floor, opposite the server room. Sure
  enough, there was about 400 litres of baby-oil
  scented, pink foam in the upstairs, downstairs
  and seeping under the server room door. She'd
  even covered the PC, keyboard and monitor in it!
  It's a wonder she didn't electrocute herself!

  "Subscribers doubled that night."

  * CORPORATE WATERFAIL - A Lurker writes, "My
  late brother only ever took one big foreign
  holiday in his life. He was a TT racer (which is
  what did for him eventually) so the holiday was
  a solo 'bike tour of the US. One day he checks
  into a newly-built hotel and it's one of those
  tower block affairs where the atrium is the full
  height of the building, all enclosed in glass
  with balconies for each floor overlooking the
  atrium which has trees and ponds and bars and a
  café etc etc laid out in it. (This was in 1981 I
  think so it was quite novel.) From a balcony
  half-way up the building there was a waterfall
  which ended in a pond behind the reception
  desk. On the first night that he was there
  someone emptied a bottle of washing-up liquid in
  to the waterfall. They were still mopping up 24
  hours later...
  "Also, with the old-fashioned shape electric
  kettles (may also work with jug type, never
  tried) a generous dollop of washing-up liquid
  makes the kettle fire a jet of foam when it
  boils. Unfortunately it will continue to do this
  in diminishing amounts for many subsequent
  boilings, and the water will taste of soap too,
  so NSFH?

  " If you want to recreate the waterfall incident
  above in your own home, and who wouldn't, simply
  replace the proper powder in your dishwasher
  with a small cupful of washing-up liquid and
  run as normal. Your kitchen will be 3" deep in
  foam in under 15 minutes, guaranteed...

  "Am I your washing-up liquid tomfoolery
  correspondent? It's beginning to look that


  If you want to remember how it was to be young
  again, kneel down next time you go for a pee.
  (BTW this only works for guys)

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