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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
Pages: Latest, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, ... 1

This question is now closed.

make bendy buses...
...make a sound like an accordion every time they go round a corner.
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:42, 10 replies)
A mandate for the future.
To the citizens of the United States of America: in the light of your failure to competently govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up ‘aluminium’ and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter U will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter U is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

Learn that ‘yoghurt’ has the letter H in it.

You will end your love affair with the letter Z (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’.

You will learn that the suffix ‘-burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ‘vocabulary’. Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘uh’, ‘like’, and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up ‘interspersed’.

There will be no more bleeps in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as ‘US English’. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of ‘-ize’.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

Whilst we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is ‘Devon’ If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as ‘Men Behaving Badly’ or ‘Red Dwarf’ will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, ‘God Save The Queen’, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American ‘football’. There are other types of football such as Rugby, Association, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. What you refer to as American ‘football’ is not a very good game.

Initially, it would be best if you played Association Football with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to ‘American football’, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2012.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called ‘rounders’, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called ‘Indecisive Day’.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will convert to metric measurements with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips. They aren't even French: they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called ‘crisps’. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts: this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling ‘beer’ is not actually beer at all: it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as ‘beer’, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as ‘lager’. The substances formerly known as ‘American beer’ will henceforth be referred to as ‘Near-Frozen Gnat Piss’ with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as ‘Weak Near-Frozen Gnat Piss’. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic; the existence of which 97.85% of you are unaware of) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or ‘gasoline’ as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon – get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 20:31, 22 replies)
Your ideas for fixing the world are well-meaning, but ultimately a naïve. The world will be improved by them in certain cosmetic respects, but the big problems will remain unaddressed.

What the world needs is a genuine vision. Something that will shake it to the core, raze it to the ground, and start again.

A radical change. Epoch-making. Tectonic.

We must rebuild the world in such a way as to mean that the old world is not just a memory; it must not be a memory at all. It must be an impossibility in the minds of the enlightened children of the future - a mere incoherence.

We must prepare for something cataclysmic. Nothing else will do.

And if we examine the darkest and deepest recesses of our collective souls, we know what form this cataclysm must take.

Friends, b3tans, lurkers, all. There is no time to hesitate. Now is the time for action.

The label must be redesigned so that it actually fits bottles of Angostura bitters.
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:18, 10 replies)
Regardless of the situation tea is the answer. If you are warm tea will cool you, if you are cool tea will warm you. If you are excited tea will calm you, if you are slow tea will rouse you.

Given that tea has mystical properties that fix everything, I propose that the answer is always tea. Here are my key points on how tea will fix broken Britain:

1. a sense of perspective.

After a nice cup of tea things become much clearer, so the country might not seem so broken after all. This will help us as a nation to gain a sense of perspective.

2. New laws to help promote tea.
such as lobbying the UN to include the right to a nice cup of tea and a sit down to its charter on basic human rights.

All starbucks baristi to be required to ask "are you sure you don't want a mug of tea and some biccies instead?" to everyone who asks for a latte and a muffin.

Road rage to be reduced by making the normal time for tea 4.45 instead of 4pm. this way when everyone goes to drive home at five they will be refreshed and relaxed.

3. Job creation
The unemployed will come to your house / place of work to get a brew going.

4. Better policing.
Q: what does a policeman keep under his helmet?
A: Now a Thermos full of tea and a special holster containing up to two sugars.

Having all PCs equipped with ready access to a nice cup of tea will keep them operating at peak efficiency thus keeping crime to a minimum.

5. smarter politics
To help the houses of parliament run more effectively for the sake of good governance all sittings will include regular tea breaks. the speaker of the house's duties will be expanded to include putting the kettle on. Bonus: to help improve on their image the Lib Dems could bring in scones from their west country seats (ooohh lovely).

6. Going green.
To encourage public transport use all buses will be equipped with tea making facilities.

Free tea for all school children, the biscuits they get along with it will be performance related: smart well behaved children get jaffa cakes, the scruffy thick ones have to suffer through Lidl's own rich tea.

8. national pride.
The national anthem will now stop halfway through for a quick cuppa just to make it even more British. this will gain us over 9000% more gold medals in the 2012 Olympics as those athletes will really need a tea after a long race.

9. Negative VAT on tea
Tea will be taxed at -20% the savings will allow even the poorest households access to fox's teatime assortment.

10. Healthcare.
Currently the NHS wastes eleventy billion pounds treating people who just need five minutes to have a sit down and a cup of tea. A national awareness campaign will extol the healing properties of tea.

11. The economy.
Right now we are facing a turbulent stock market, and mountains of toxic debt. And no wonder, have you seen stockbrokers at work? they are all "buy buy buy or sell sell sell" at the top of their lungs like some sort of manic capitalist howler monkey. After the 'Tea in banking act 2011' regulations set in the most common phrase on the trading floor will be " lets put the kettle on and think this through" making for a even keel economy.

You know it makes sense.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:35, 11 replies)
A nice round 20
1. All cars to be replaced by the ones from Bugsy Malone. The current car manufacturers can continue to come up with beautiful looking cars, they're just powered by the occupants.
2. Asylum can only be granted at the British Consulate in your current country of residence.
3. The current dreary National Anthem will be replaced by 'If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.'
4. When England play New Zealand at Rugby after the Haka[sp?] we give them 3 verses of ‘Heads, shoulders, knees and toes’. Spectator participation is mandatory.
5. Those who actively participate in criminality are declared ‘outlaws’ and therefore have no protection from it. Therefore giving an outlaw a hefty boot in the goolies is perfectly legal.
6. The NHS is to be only available to those who pay into it.
7. All phone numbers are recorded for television contests. If you phone more than once your vote no longer counts but you are still charged.
8. Anyone who wants to be a politician is automatically banned from becoming one. MP’s are picked randomly from the population and have a 2 year contract.
9. Carrying on from the above, motions put before the house (phnarr) have to be in the form of closed questions. It is discussed in the same day then they vote on it.
10. All electrical goods should have a proper ‘off’ switch. Manufacturers who have a red light on to tell you it’s off have to pay a hefty fine.
11. Live outdoor broadcasters have to tell dickheads in the background ‘waving at mum’ to ‘fuck off’ live on air.
12. ASBO’s are replaced with a 3 year tour in the army.
13. You can’t get onto the beach until you can put a deckchair together in under 8 seconds.
14. Only bright colours are allowed at funerals.
15. The National Curriculum is to be replaced with ‘The Dangerous Book for Boys’.
16. Anyone over 65 is not allowed out between 12pm and 3pm.
17. Unlucky people are not allowed to sue for compensation.
18. The BBC news/weather is only delivered from the studio and newsreaders wear evening dress damn it.
19. Bailed out banks cannot pay bonuses to employees, or dividends to investors till they have paid back to the taxpayers what they owe.
20. TitanLX is banned from reading the Daily Mail.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:05, 8 replies)
"You're worse than Hitler!"
Being a cyclist in London today probably makes me and my fellow two wheeled warriors the third least popular group on B3ta this week after the nonces and the politicians. I’m typing this during my lunch hour, sat fifteen feet away from my bright orange Marin mountain bike which is parked in the corner of my office right now. Here’s my take on things.

Red Light Jumping
There’s no fucking excuse for it. A red light is a red light. When I walk anywhere in London and use the crossings, I will scream at anyone on a bike who thinks the rules don’t apply to them. As cyclist, I’ve observed that the habitual RLJer is also usually the slowest individual on two wheels and you end up having to re-overtake them after they wobble past you when you’re stood stationary at the traffic lights. Yes, I have screamed at them too and on occasion have wedged my bike in such a way that the daft cunts can’t squeeze past oblivious to the rage in their wake.

Bendy Busses
Whoever it was who decided that London is an ideal place to drive a bendy bus is a complete and utter cunt. Transport for London seem to have an uncanny knack at finding the sociopathic elements of society and giving them a bus to drive. If you had eighteen metres of cuntbus pull away from a stop without indicating and attempt to force you sideways into oncoming traffic, you’d probably scream “You shitcunt!” at the murderous twunt of a driver too.

Cycling gear is unflattering. We know this. However, some don’t realise that spending a fortune on Team Sky lycras and matching disco slippers makes them look an even bigger bellend. The rest of us mock them too.

Conversely, the foul-smelling dayglo jackets that some of us wear aren’t a fashion statement, they’re merely a means of alerting bendy bus drivers as to our presence. You wouldn’t subject your finest jacket to a ceaseless drenching of gritty, shitty, oily water directly from the road would you?

And if wearing a linen suit with flip flops isn’t already a crime, it bloody well ought to be, especially when it’s combined with a fixed gear, narrow handlebarred, ill handling monstrosity of a bicycle that’s so prevalent these days.

The act of clamping a mobile phone to your right ear does not endow you with some kind of force field, protecting you from traffic. Also, if you’re a pedestrian who believes this and steps into the road without looking to your right then expect the bloke on the mountain bike who’d just had to swerve to avoid you to shout bad things at you.

“You don’t pay road tax!”
Neither do you. You pay Vehicle Excise Duty based on your vehicle’s CO2 emissions. The Toyota Prius is a shit idea, but the owner of one doesn’t pay VED either. It also takes up a lot more space than I do on my bike. In all probability, the Alfa Romeo hatchback on my drive at home has a higher VED bracket that whatever you’re driving so as far as I’m concerned, that together with the PAYE deducted from my salary and the VAT I pay on my purchases also covers whatever wear and tear I’m causing the tarmac. It’s not my fault if the government spunks it all on nuclear submarines, expensive IT projects and bank bailouts instead of fixing the fucking potholes is it?

“You should have insurance for that!”
I have. I don’t want my transport nicked or damaged either.

“Get off the pavement!”
The small blue sign that you’ve failed to take note of means that half of this pavement is in fact a cycle lane. Yes it’s a shit idea, but it’s the only path we’ve got and cyclists don’t particularly enjoy having to pedal slowly behind a brain dead chavette aimlessly piloting a snotbrat occupied pushchair along our designated side of the pavement. To those cyclists who do insist on riding their bikes footpaths proper, I refer you to my Red Light Jumping paragraph. You cunts.

Boris Bikes
Here’s a great way to improve safety on the capitol’s roads, unleash 5,000 overweight and ill fitting bicycles on the general public who for the most part haven’t ridden a bike since they were twelve.

In reality, I rarely have an issue most days. I keep to the rules of the highway and try to remain assertive but courteous. There really is room for everyone – bendy busses excepted – provided that we all play by the rules and look out for one another. Just remember that next time you drive or walk in London, not everyone on a bicycle is a colossal twat.
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:37, 59 replies)
Let's aim low
Members of parliament and those that wish to become members of parliament.

Watching the palace of Westminster disappearing a in a world of smoke and self righteous noise, I can't be the only one fed up the back teeth with the emergence of a political class, identifiable in their choice of party only by the colour of their ties. A group of people who increasingly have never interacted with the population other than to berate whatever section of it notionally angers their party- delete as appropriate.

The Ancient Greeks recognised the emergence of a political class was bad yet two and half thousand years later, we seem hell bent on making the same mistake. We could fix this easily but given it would affect the leaders of the three main UK parties (and very possibly others, I haven't been able to check), it will only ever be a pipedream. So;

1) A minimum age of thirty for all people wishing to stand for parliament.
2) You must have been resident in the constituency you wish to stand in for two years.
3) You must have an employment record that contains two consecutive years of work outside of politics. What that employment was is not important- the idea is that you have at least experienced life outside the bubble before entering it. All too often we see new MP's who were at university, joined the local wing of the NUS, became a "researcher" to an MP, an adivsor to a minister and finally got their safe seat (that they visited first time to canvas in) to live in the bubble forever.
4) If you are found to have lied, defrauded, fiddled or otherwise attempted to fuck the electorate, a non negotiable, lifetime ban from further political roles needs to be enforced. The lightweight prison sentences that various expenses cheats have been given is less damaging than removing them forever from the teat of public funds.
5) A mandatory level of attendence in the parliament you represent and a minimum amount of consituency activity to be achieved in a calendar year.
6) Your expenses to be published in full at the end of each financial year. Many MP's already do this so we really ought to be asking what those that don't have to hide.

So there you have it. Nothing impossible, elitist, prejudicial to any particular social class or group but collectively something that might lift us off the rock bottom of the current crop of political figures. Not that it will ever actually happen.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:58, 8 replies)
All politians will use the NHS and public transport
I dont want to see any of this private health care bollocks
or being driven to work by someone else.

If youre going to precide over the NHS and public transport
you can use it. Then when you fuck it up (even more) its on you too.

Can you even imagine David Cameron waiting 6 hours in A&E with his little un ?
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 1:22, 10 replies)
Right Then!
On warm summer days it should be illegal to wear anything apart from a pair of tiny swimming trunks (skimpy bikini for the ladies) and a footwear. The fat wobblies amongst us will be shamed into getting thin. Obviously seats on public transport will need to be replaced with washable towelling covers.

Fashion is shit.
It shall be illegal to sell any item of clothing that advertises it’s makers name by way of a label, logo or pattern, apart from Speedos.

Anyone who moans about something shall be held in custody until they have developed a workable, cost effective solution that is acceptable to the people. This includes driving, immigration, cyclists and ‘the unemployed’.
To aid cohesion, a Wednesday afternoon table tennis league will be run in all workplaces, schools and public institution. All shall attend.

Dogs shall have floppy ears and be ‘a bit daft’.

Cat owners shall be obliged to spend Tuesday mornings crawling around on their hands and knees in neighbours gardens searching for shit. They shall carry the shit home in their pockets, or under a hat.

Social Services
Free anger management courses for short people.
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 10:48, 4 replies)
People to stop referring to 9/11 as "the worst terrorist attack in history"
when quite frankly that's a blatant lie. The point of terrorism is to terrorise and emotionally destroy the targets. As far as achieving the objective goes, these boys did their homework. If Family Fortunes asked 100 people to name a terrorist attack then you'd have to think 9/11 would be the top answer.

Henceforth, it should be called "the best terrorist attack in history."
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:11, 3 replies)
How to solve the conflict in Northern Ireland
1) Scotland declares independence from the UK.
2) Wales declares independence from the UK.
3) England declares independence from the UK.

The UK now consists solely of Northern Ireland. They can sort it out their fucking selves.
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 8:58, Reply)
Space! SPAACE!
First of all, I would take every person who has had a no-win, no-fee payout from the NHS based on a spurious injury, liquidate their assets, sell their fillings and leave them naked and shivering in the street. Not the people who actually had scalpels left in 'em, or anything like that. Just the robbing tossers. Also, homeopaths, astrologers, faith-healers, self-help experts and crystal therapists.*

I would then take this money and build a proper space program. Not a European one. Not one of these 'Okay, poor cousin, you and your rinky-dink nation can hitch a ride on our mighty rockets, but first you've got to suck a little cock' NASA ridealongs. A British space agency. In honour of Msr. W. Ellis, we shall name it the Ministry of Space.

We shall take Tea to the stars. I confidently expect that any spacefaring race advanced enough to break the light barrier will be advanced enough to appreciate tea. We shall start a massive, tea-trading empire. I also foresee that the side-trade in chocolate hobnobs will be a viable concern.

We shall forge a new future for humanity, specifically the British portion of it, and we shall leave the Earth and its economic problems, its politicians and its mysteriously-vanishing socks behind. We shall have new, better socks. Space socks.

Involvment in the MoS will come with a strict screening program. Have you, in the course of a lifetime, voluntarily watched more than two hours of Jeremy Kyle? Then we're not taking you. The stars don't need you. Nor do they need Big Brother devotees, Hollyoaks afficianados or fans of other such braingruel.

I have seen the future, and it's a crotchety, snobby-but-in-a-polite-sort-of-way, cricket-playing space empire.

And of course, there will be sexy green dancing girls. Obviously.

*Traffic wardens and charity muggers will be literally liquidated and used as hydroponic growth medium.
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:49, 9 replies)
Trampolines that look like paving slabs hidden in the pavement.
Just to keep people alert.
I for one would arrive at work 75% happier if I had accidently done a somersault on my way in.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:18, 2 replies)
Make fireworks dangerous again.
Over the years there’s been lots of rule changes to make fireworks safer and safer.

Fuck that. If the kids in my street are going to keep me awake for most of October and November, I at least want the satisfaction of knowing that some of the little scrotes have blown their fingers off, or at least lost an eye.

(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 15:48, 9 replies)
One from a former flatmate
Make the biscuit aisle in Asda 3' wide. If you can't fit down it, no biscuits for you.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 17:31, Reply)
Pavement Lanes
There should be a white line along the length of every pavement in the town centre. On the shop side of the line, you are free to stop, chat, stare into shop windows, busk, stand around wondering what the hell you were supposed to be doing, smoke, and so on.

Conversely, on the other side of the line would be all the people who actually want to WALK ALONG THE FUCKING ROAD from one end to the other, without having to weave their way between three old ladies having the same conversation they've had every day since 1956, a group of 30 spanish schoolkids who don't seem to understand the concept of NOT BEING IN THE BLOODY WAY and a woman who seems to be transferring the entire contents of her shopping bags into her baby buggy.

Anyone who blocks the "moving" lane can be pushed into traffic with impunity. Wardens with electrified ferrets on a stick would patrol particularly busy streets, ensuring that things keep moving with well-aimed prods.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 17:26, 4 replies)
The only people with the right to live in the uk should be immigrants.
At least they've got off their arses and made the effort to come here. Anyone born here should have to leave when they reach 21.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 20:57, 5 replies)
My Pennyworth

Bring back free university education for people taking useful degrees. Science, engineering, medicine, IT etc. Arts graduates can pay for their fucking education. Psychology, Social Science and other numpty degrees can join the Arts graduates as can lawyers.

Make it possible to sue politicians and political parties for breach of promise. Yes, Nick Clegg, I thinking of you, you lying two-faced power-whore.

For something as important as going to war with another country, for sending our soldiers off to fight and die, make it a compulsory referendum. The whole country get to decide if a spat with another country is worth killing for.

If you lose your driving license, for any reason, you must resit the driving test. No excuses.

Drink driving. First offence - you lose your license for three years. 2nd offence - you lose it for life.

Cyclists. They use the roads - they should pay road tax. Those roads don't build and maintain themselves. If the cyclist also has a car and pays road tax for that, they're exempt for the tax on their cycle. The extra revenue raised by this goes to a dedicated team of traffic police who would hunt down the cuntish cyclists who break the law and are danger to themselves and other road users. (Thankfully, a minority)

Lemmings. The lemmings who wander out into the traffic at random, secure in the knowledge that cars will swerve, slow down or stop to avoid hitting them, should have their kneecaps broken with sledgehammers. Try crossing the road now, fuck-tard.

Compulsory implanted birth control for both sexes (when possible). Implants can only be removed when you can prove that you can afford a kid and have the skills necessary to bring it up. Lawyers and Estate Agents should never be allowed to breed. *Especially* with each other.

NHS. Attack or threaten NHS staff while they're at work and you are banned for life from any NHS treatment. Get sick? Go private or die. Doctors, nurses and paramedics have enough shit to put up with already.

Won't fix everything, but it's a start.

(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 9:51, 28 replies)
When I've just watched a film on television
I want to sit in the post-film afterglow and let the credits roll like in the cinema. I do not want the picture to suddenly be crushed into an unreadable five-inch corner of the screen and have the closing music cut so that some hysterically over-excited continuity announcer can start braying at the top of his lungs about how I can watch a repeat of Celebrity Big Brother next, or Embarrassing Teenage Bodies tomorrow night. If someone could arrange for the people responsible for this intrusion to be lined up and shot while I ruin their last moments on Earth by shouting about how they're going to miss tonight's repeat of Frasier, that would be lovely, thanks.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:21, 4 replies)
There are six billion people on this world and not enough water for everybody, especially in regions hard-hit by drought. If only here was some way of making water easily portable for these people, in ENDLESS QUANTITIES.

And one night I was hit square between the frontal lobes with a concept that will CHANGE THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. And it is this: HOMEOPATHIC WATER

You take some water. And you dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it until only the memory of the water reamins. Then you put it in a little sugar pill and sell them for a fiver each.

"Ah-ha!" I hear you say, "What - exactly - do you dilute the water in, clever trousers?"

And I reply: "A really big bucket."

So you facepalm and ask again: "What liquid do you use to dilute the water?"

That, I am afraid, is a professional secret to stop the crooks from BIG PHARMA getting their filthy hands on this landmark product.

Think of the potential:

* People with rabies
* People who are planning on getting stuck in a desert
* Firemen who need access to ALL THE WATER IN THE WORLD but only have very, very small fire engines due to fair and progressive Big Society budget cuts
* The National Association of Homeopathic Swimmers
* Homeopathic Holy Water - two useless concepts for the price of one!

This time next year Rodders...
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:17, 5 replies)
Blasphemy delights me …
The greatest threat to world peace today is Islamic Extremism. We are fairly helpless in the face of mad arse fuckers willing to strap bombs to their persons and hurl themselves into our midst. We just resolve to keep on as we are and refrain from a backlash against the largely innocent local minority from whence they spring. The heat and anger of the current jihad will hopefully soon exhaust itself on the Rock of British Resilience.

It’s pretty obvious to me that Religion itself is the problem. I consider all monotheistic Religion to be a brain plague. Islam is merely the most virulent.

All three streams of monotheistic religion are pretty similar if you look at the basics.

Judaism - there is one true god and Abraham is his prophet. Here is the Book, it contains everything you need to know. Oh, and if your mother is a Jew, you are a Jew, live with it, don’t argue, it’s as permanent and undeniable as your skin colour.

Christianity - there is one true god and Jesus is his prophet. Here is the Book [Torah +], it contains everything you need to know. No one is born a Christian. We have this nice little rite of baptism to turn you into one. This rite is open to anyone. If you renounce your religion, they are a bit sad and hope you get better.

Islam – there is one true god and Mohammed is his prophet. Here is the Book [Torah ++], it contains everything you need to know.

However, Islam tightens the noose by combining the two concepts of inherited and acquired religion. If your mother OR father is a Muslim, then you are a Muslim. Don’t argue with it, your religion is as permanent and undeniable as your skin colour. Converts are welcomed with open arms, BUT if you renounce your religion, you are an apostate and must die.

How’s that for an iron clad mental prison?

So back to the problem at hand; Islamic extremism. Feeble minded males, unable to find a missus because the big fat guys in bathrobes have four each, clinging to a flimsy lie that on the other side of that dismembering explosion is as much pussy as they can handle, strapping bombs to themselves and getting on the Tube.

It’s simple really. We just need to categorically prove to the entire Islamic world that god doesn’t exist.

How? I hear you wonder. We invade Saudi Arabia. But Britain is thinly spread at the moment, so I suggest we get China to do it. Shouldn’t be difficult, just a few words in the right ears over a nice dinner of Peking duck with plum sauce. Just point out the vast oil reserves and refinery capacity to directly supply their ever raving populace’s energy requirement with the understanding that the Western world will look the other way, put their fingers in their ears and whistle loudly for about two weeks.

But mere invasion of their holy land isn’t quite enough. I would point out to Hu Jin Tao that the rock in a box is an income producing asset. Every muslim must visit it at least once during their lifetime. So they can carry it off back to China and charge an entrance fee as high as they like to schmucks who can’t argue. It’d look great if they put it in the Water Cube.

Oh how my mind’s eye delights in the sight of the rock in the box guarded by smiling, heavily armed PRC soldiers with a straggle of sulking sand monkeys handing over their hard earned.

- One trip round, 40 yuan!
- Three trips for 100!
- Sir, your time’s up, this way to the gift shop! Please come again.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 2:25, 19 replies)
Call Centres abroad.
WHY oh WHY oh why do call centres have to be situated in places where English customs and language are bastardised. The near comical accents and bizarre sentence formations are enough to make the blood boil. You often have to repeat even simple phrases over and over again just to ensure comprehension by the other person. Be warned companies of England, if you keep relocating valuable customer services to call centres in Scotland we will simply up and move.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 17:12, 12 replies)
I would definitely bring back Gladiators to our TV screens. All the hoodies and so called chavs would stay in on a Saturday night to watch it, and would channel their anger through the program. Some may even aspire to be Gladiators when they are older. I don't think people who go around causing trouble have anything to focus or or something to take their mind off of going around and acting like a knob. Gladiators is the one thing that could solve this.

As I youngster, my usual Saturday afternoon would consist of hanging out with mates, playing football, Hide and Seek in the woods and pegging it away from houses that we’d chosen to ‘Knock and Run’ on. Then it was home for dinner; a takeaway if I was lucky, which I would eat sat in front of the TV watching my favourite program at the time; Gladiators.

Gladiators was pretty fucking immense. John Fashanu (Awooga!) and Ulrika Jonsson brought a gentle nature to proceedings; needed when surrounded by numerous Gladiators with their unforgiving attitudes. John’s wacky outfits and banter was ripe picking for Ulrika, who would often bounce a witty response back with great aplomb to Fashanu’s attempt at humour. Oh how we would chuckle to ourselves in my front room; my Dad would always remark on Ulrika, “Cracking bird isn’t she, that Ulrika? She should still do the weather in the mornings”. I would giggle and my Mum would throw a cushion at him.

The contestants for the night’s show would then be revealed, including a short video clip of what they got up to in their normal everyday lives. I would take my empty plate out into the kitchen at this point; it was boring, I didn’t care what they did for a living. All I cared about were the Gladiators, they were my heroes, and in some cases, my wet dreams too. In no particular order, here is a list of my favourite Gladiators:

Lampshade – She was the star lady for me. Her bronzed skin was lit up beautifully by the down-lighting off the bulb attached to the top of her head, covered by  the lampshade she wore to cover her face. Nobody quite knew what the lampshade was for. Many of my friends had suggested maybe she was missing an eye, or had been badly disfigured by a dagger whilst in training to become a Gladiator. Her signature move was called ‘Lights Out’ and this would be used in the event called Hang Tough. She would basically kick the contestant hard in the back of the head as they hung from the rings, knocking them out, and at the same time to the floor, making her victorious.

Nightstalker- Not as muscular as many of the other male Gladiators, Nightstalker more than made up with this with his athletic body and devilish attitude. Nightstalker’s favourite event was The Gauntlet, and it was this event that gave him his moniker. Originally known as Gladiator X during training, Nightstalker shocked the producers of the show during The Gauntlet rehearsals by first choking his contestants with a silk neckerchief, before brutally raping them to submission. He famously received marriage proposals from the audience nearly every week, and also caused controversy when he made a small child eat the giant foam hand he was pointing at Nightstalker because he had called him an ‘angry idiot’.

Aeroplane– This was the woman that all my mates fancied. With her brunette hair, soft pretty face, long slim legs and peachy arse, Aeroplane was definitely the Gladiator pin-up. The only hindrance to her ability to perform as a Gladiator, was her massive 38EE breasts, which she struggled to contain in her lycra top. Her nipples were also erect most of the time, not that we cared. Aeroplane was great at the cargo net, and her celebration dance would be to raise one leg above her head and strum it with her hand, as if it was a banjo. Perhaps, to her eternal embarrassment, the one stand out memory that most Aeroplane fans will have of her is the time she did a small fanny fart whilst being interviewed by Fashanu. Through tears of laughter, he managed to shout ‘Awooga!’ before wafting the air in front of his nose.

Hunter – Hunter was always a formidable opponent for many of the contestants on Gladiators. With muscles on muscles, he resembled a condom filled with cocktail sausages, and with tribal war paint smeared all over his face, along with his menacing spear which he would use to stop people in their tracks, it was always a hell of a show when Hunter was on. One time, he threw his spear so hard, that it ripped through the shoulder of one male contender, and then carried on, wedging itself into The Awesome Travelator, rendering it useless for the Eliminator round. Instead, the two finalists had to have a head to head on a spacehopper. Hunter went on to play Dog the Bounty Hunter years later, where he would travel the globe in search of Bounties, as well as macaroons, body butter, and other coconut based products.

Amazon– The only Gladiator that was a household name prior to the series starting, Amazon was played by Sharon Davies, the successful Olympic swimmer. Her career as a Gladiator though was far from impressive, as the distinct lack of water based challenges meant she was about as useful as a ginger in a heatwave. In fact, such was the ease at which contenders would beat her, she soon became water boy for all of the other Gladiators. Once the first series was over, she went on to play Gabby Logan, when she was ill and couldn’t make a TV appearance.

Hippo – Only slightly smaller than Hunter, Hippo used a much different tactic during the rounds he competed. With his ebony skin, threatening sneer and bulging eyes it was a massive surprise to many to see that he was far from aggressive when it came to defeating his opponent. Rather than use brute force like all of the other Gladiators, Hippo would use charm and a softly spoken manner to talk contenders into a false sense of security, almost hypnotising them into a comatose state. It was a tactic since used by many, including Alison Hammond on This Morning. Hippo’s one standout moment came in series 2, when he drank four Panda Pops in a row before Duel, and still won.

Cumquat – Probably the most agile and flexible of all the Gladiators, Cumquat was also very attractive. One of my mates at the time had her posters plastered all over his bedroom. Her signature move was the Cumquat Squat, used to great effect on Powerball, where she would rugby tackle her opponents, pin them down, squat over their stomach and feign defecation (although the Gladiators make-up department was so far ahead of its time in the nineties that it looked realistic). The sheer fright of being shit on would cause many contenders to drop out of the competition altogether. Cumquat also excelled at Swingshot (my favourite round) due to her snake-like hips and ability to almost float through the air.

Golf –Golf was definitely the Gladiators’ pantomime villain. The audience would boo and hiss whenever he was on, but he was a really good Gladiator, particularly at The Wall. This was down to the fact he would use a driver, or sometimes a putter, to hook the legs of the contestants as they scarpered up the wall. In other rounds, he would take on the stature of a giant, by standing on the shoulders of his caddy. This was beneficial in rounds like Hang Tough where he could be hold onto the rings whilst his caddy stood on the floor. In fact, Golf was unbeaten on Hang Tough during his 6 year Gladiator stint. John Fashanu would always tease Golf, but it was all in jest and very good natured. Golf was such a popular Gladiator that whilst all of the others had ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ played after a victorious round of Hang Tough, Golf had his own version; ‘Another One Lands in the Sand.

So yeah, to summarise; bring back Gladiators.
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 9:42, 2 replies)
Get rid of night clubs, "bars" and other annoying loud places with flashing lights
They're horrible soulless places with repetitive loud music where it's impossible to talk to anyone without shouting at the top of your voice. Everyone in them seems to be doing drugs, trying their hardest to get paralytic, trying to pull or looking for a fight.

Not only do you have to queue to get in, once inside you have to queue up for nearly as long just to get a drink, where the main selection seems to consist of drinks designed to get you as drunk as possible as quickly as possible and a soft drink will cost about £3.50. Then the barman will show off by chucking implements around before pouring a drink.

There of course will be nowhere to sit down because the place is so packed. Even if there were, it would take about 5 minutes to navigate across the room due to all the drunks flailing about on the dance floor/main bit that you walk through to get to places. If you visit the toilet facilities you will end up with piss on your shoes although on the plus side it is the only place within the establishment in which you can hear yourself think.

Once outside again you must be careful not to add vomit to the piss on your shoes. And they have to be proper shoes for some reason, not trainers. At least they're keeping up standards on that front.

I like my pubs to be at least 200 years old, have wooden beams holding up the roof and have a bit of character.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 20:20, 14 replies)
Think it's Mark Thomas' idea
and a brilliant one at that.

Anyone who believes in/practices homeopathic remedies gets denied all conventional medical treatment, and has to cure themselves solely using their magic sugar pills.

Edit: Also I believe people should have to choose between voting in elections and for reality television programmes. Eliminates the fucktard demographic from voting on important issues.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:01, 3 replies)
i say we take off
and nuke the entire site from orbit.
it's the only way to be sure.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:40, 8 replies)
This QOTW was made for me
So now you lot have to sit up and listen (well, read.) The following would have to take place under a one-world government, obviously, with Rampants as Big King Chutney Trousers (paid at the exact average wage and with no privileges other than that necessary to provide security)

1) Ban economics.

It never fails to surprise me how many people who rightly eschew organised religion as total bollocks on one hand nonetheless take economics seriously on the other. At the base is a belief that the value of everything can be expressed as a numerical value based mostly on what people believe it to be worth. There's neither any real basis for this other than belief, nor any real ackonwledgement of non-monetary value of just about anything other than in a very secondary sense. However trying to rebuild such a money-centric society without money is difficult so in a practical sense the following should suffice:

a) One single worlwide currency (therefore no currency trading - hooray!) This could be linked to the price of a series of essential goods so that everyone on earth would pay the same price for a basket of shopping. That's one way to do it.

b) The running of all banks, share exchanges, insurance markets, other financial industries, healthcare provision, pharmaceutical research, energy provision (automotive fuel, gas, water and electricity) and transport infrastructure (road, rail and air) to be taken over completely by a series of independently regulated, completely transparently run public organisations with the remit to keep costs to a minimum, co-ordinate the minimising of environmental impacts where relevant and generate funds solely for the public benefit. So no bonuses/ outrageous salaries for the bankers / executive and all the money generated to be used to reduce the need for individual taxation. While those managing and running these organisations could be incentivised with a decent (but not outrageous) wage, their jobs should be dependent on the degree to which they can produce a satisfactory performance and reviewed annually.

c) The introduction of a maximum wage, and a maximum amount of money an individual can possess. The maximum wage could be 10 times the minimum wage. No individual should be allowed to retain a personal fortune of more than £10 million quid at the current value, as this encourages them to become self obsessed, to push up property prices (by buying additional homes they don’t need), to horde resources and to contribute as little as possible. It also ruins their children’s chances of living productive lives as if you know you’re going to inherit daddy’s billions, you can run around behaving like an absolute shit to everyone without any fear.

d) The repealing of the laws which allow organizations, companies and other similar institutions to have human rights (i.e. to be able to own property and to sue and be sued.) The owners of these bodies should be directly liable for problems the organizations cause, such as pollution, and all these bodies should rent the properties they require for the body itself to be administrated for a reasonable and sustainable fee from the government; this would prevent companies from buying properties so they lose money and get tax breaks while keeping the property empty and unused. Also stockpiling houses as investments, driving up property prices and denying people places to live. As an aside, I’d also levy such taxes on the ownership of more than one residential property that it wasn’t worth having more than two (the one you live in and one additional one), thereby ensuring that every individual could have an affordable house which they own. Houses are for people to live in, not for companies and landlords to make fortunes from while keeping prices artificially high.

2) The immediate legalization of all narcotic drugs. If you need me to explain why, pick your knuckles off the floor, switch off Jeremy Kyle and listen up:

Criminalisation of drugs doesn’t work. If you object to the legalization of drugs on the basis that you or someone you know has had a problem, this is not an argument against the legalization of drugs but against their continued criminalization, as you / your friend experienced their problem despite drugs being illegal. It’s none of your business what I, a fully informed and cognizant adult, choose to do with my body. Criminalisation prevents addicts from getting treatment and very rarely punishes any large- scale dealers. It also allows criminal gangs to make fucktons of money which they can then spend on guns, as one example. There is literally no argument which holds any water against the legalization of all drugs so if you think you have one, you’re wrong.

Obviously, you have to ensure drugs can only be supplied to responsible, cognizant adults and as such everyone who wants some should have to be licensed to be able to buy them, consumption and trade should take place on licensed premises, and the taxation of the process should pay into the NHS. People who sell drugs to kids or any other non-licensed users should have their licenses removed and face at least a 5 year prison sentence. Which at least wouldn’t be so overcrowded what with probably half the prison population being there for drugs offenses, which by the way are only subject to such severe sanctions because those who profit from drug sales don’t pay tax.

Along the same lines, prostitution should be made legal to protect prostitutes and punters, and restricted to small-scale businesses with a maximum number of employees; this should be structured to ensure that security is provided by employees who work for the prostitutes, not the other way around. Rates should be standardized, pensions and sick pay provided and under no circumstances should people who are not doing the actual prostituting themselves be able to profiteer from those who are.

3) The restriction of governmental activities and powers by a considerable margin, the reduction of numbers of professional politicians by a considerable margin, the prevention of those politicians having any additional jobs or from profiting personally from their position in any way, even afterwards. So if they want to publish their memoirs, they shouldn’t make any money from them personally. Therefore, politicians who want to be politicians should do so because they want to be politicians, not because it’s a gravy train. The role of government should be restricted to basically guaranteeing the public-organisations previously detailed were fairly and correctly run and debating changes to legislation. Meanwhile all legislation should be subject to a review and referendum if a significant proportion of the population votes for it. We should also have any proposal to engage in war (other than defending our own shores from attack) ratified by a national referendum.

4) There should also be some rules regarding media.

a) Any political argument advanced by any newspaper columnist should be done so alongside another columnist advocating the opposing view.

b) Any invasion of personal privacy of anyone must be fully justified against strict criteria and demonstrated to be in the public interest; if this isn’t done, the owners and editing staff should be required to have cameras put into their offices and houses and the footage played (randomly cycled) on public TV, with highlights shows made and broadcast on major networks on a weekly basis (this same punishment should be extended to tax dodging businessmen or corrupt officials, once their assets have been stripped)

c) Any story which is proved inaccurate and requires the publication of an apology should have said apology printed in the next edition on the same page(s) as the original article, taking up the same space and using the same font sizes.

d) News media should be registered as tabloid or non-tabloid. Tabloids should then be exclusively responsible for celebrity news, reality TV regurgitation, pictures of semi-naked people and amusing stories about animals and rudely shaped vegetables. Non-tabloids should be exclusively responsible for reporting on politics, disasters, criminal investigations and other serious stories. The Daily Mail should then be abolished.

5) Citizenship – and voting rights – should be restricted to those who can prove themselves (in a reasonable, written test) capable of understanding the arguments needed to vote in a free democracy. They should also be restricted to those over 16 and either employed, retired from employment or who have paid into the national insurance scheme in the last 3 years. Tests should be taken once every 10 years, with free reapplications for failures every six months as long as the failures wish to participate.

6) Long-term unemployed should be housed collectively with less privacy than is afforded to, say, modern council-house tenants. Monetary benefits should be minimal – capped at around 10 pounds a week – and earned through keeping the commune clean and maintained and cooking. This money should be used as credit to buy goods in the communal shop (including fags and booze, but excluding lottery tickets; and they should be able to all chip in for a Sky subscription). However, great efforts must be extended to help those who wish to get into work, set up businesses and become productive members of society. Discrimination against people in these circumstances (say, for jobs) should be illegal and subject to severe sanctions. Whatever the standard of living here, it must always be far, far better than that of criminals in incarceration. No-one to be allowed to reproduce while living in these circumstances (yes, I’m talking forced abortions and forced sterilizations, including for the men who made the lady pregnant, via a DNA test). This whole policy to be fine-tuned on the basis that the poor should not be ghettoized and opportunity must always be provided, but those who deliberately choose to avoid work shouldn’t enjoy the same privileges as those who work for them.

7) Immigration applications should be granted on the basis of what can be contributed (skills) and proven need, and not prioritized for citizens of any particular country. Assistance for immigrants should include free language lessons for all who need them, but no benefits can be paid to anyone who hasn’t contributed already, and those who arrive with nothing would live in the communal situation described above.

8) Number of places on university and vocational courses should be decided by specialist external bodies on the basis that the correct numbers of skilled workers to fill roles should be trained each year (plus say 5% to balance out those who change occupation, need extended sickness leave or become pregnant); all tuition to be free; all courses to take up the same number of hours each week with more complex subjects like medicine and architecture to take more years to achieve qualification. All courses to include as much on-the-job experience as possible, this work to be paid to help with student’s living expenses. Rent-free communal-style student accommodation to be provided.

9) Free condoms for everyone of any age for any reason (including water balloons). Lowering of the age of consent to 15, but people between the ages of 15 and 18 may only have sex with other people between the ages of 15 and 18.

10) All care homes for the elderly and terminally ill to be provided for free; but everyone to be able to choose their own retirement age as long as they continue to perform their jobs effectively.

11) All responsibilities relating to parking and speeding enforcement to be devolved from councils and to an independent body. Parking restrictions to be enforced only when vehicles are blocking access. Clamping to be illegal. Fines for towed vehicles to be capped at 10% of the vehicles value.

12) The Human Rights Act (and similar legislation) to be replaced with a Human Rights And Responsibilities Act, in which everyone has to recognize the rights of others, punishments to fit crimes and health and safety rules to be limited in two aspects: firstly, that they can never be used to actually prevent anyone from doing anything (just make it safer) and secondly to ensure everyone is responsible for deciding themselves whether anything was actually a sensible thing to do and therefore not to be able to sue anyone if it turns out that any reasonable person would have thought that it wasn’t. Also, reproductive rights to be curtailed so no-one can produce more than two children per couple. Anyone who wants more should have to adopt an unwanted child.

13) Anyone who disagrees with Rampants to be thrown into the core of the earth until the population is down to a more reasonable level (say a billion humans worldwide). Utopia to inevitably follow.
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 17:06, 20 replies)
Killing several birds with one stone*
I feel there is a consensus that the Chav/Scumbag/Lowlife dumbshit issue is one that will take many many years to deal with - all that education, job creation, training etc will take years.
I firmly believe I have an answer.
Anyone on the street wearing more than 3 items of sports-branded clothing (trainers excepted) should be rounded up into a van and given a basic intelligence/general knowledge test - y'know, nothing too taxing but the kind of thing that the late sainted Jade Goody would have failed miserably. As and when they fail, DNA test them and give them a barcode tattoo, then release them into the wild.
Now the clever bit.
When a worthwhile, tax paying CONTRIBUTOR to society needs an organ (you can see where this is going) then we have a huge database and bank of compatible organs, all being kept nice and warm by the aforementioned scumbags. So! We find them, cull them (humanely, of course) harvest the organs and Bob's your uncle, a repaired useful member of society, back in the land of the healthy and one less oxygen-thieving waste of DNA roaming the streets.
This would drastically reduce the transplant waiting lists, hell it may even get us loads of foreign cash as we could well have a surplus of organs we could export!
There is a serendipitous side effect of this. Once the word getrs around that this is likely to be their fate, the oxygen thieves might just leave, hopefully to our nearest neighbour - France. So we could end up pissing off the French - as I see it, a plan with no drawbacks.

Vote for me!

*Awaits flaming*

*Tongue firmly in cheek
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 7:54, Reply)
Damn kids! *waving cane in a vaguely threatening manner*
I suggested this topic ages ago!

How would I improve things over here across the pond?

1. Ban SUVs for people who only ever take them off-road to go into car parks. Of recent times ever time I've almost been wiped out by an idiot driver, said idiot was in a large SUV. If you can't see over your hood or out of the tiny windows that are eight feet off the ground, you can't see other drivers. If you're not using said SUV to go into the back country of Africa, you really don't need that goddam tank. Hint: Viagra is cheaper, guys, and then you're not publicly advertising your tiny dick.

2. Make news organizations responsible for fact checking. Yes, I'm looking at you, FOX news. Stop providing Jon Stewart with so many easy targets and riling up the left side of the intelligence bell curve with obviously false statements and empty rhetoric. For every blatantly false statement there should be a minimum fine of $20,000, to be paid into the education system to reduce the number of people who believe that idiotic spew.

3. Speaking of news organizations, can we just plain get rid of the 24 hour news networks? They've become infotainers rather than journalists. I don't care if it's Bill O'Reilly, Anderson Cooper or Rachel Maddow- the talking heads all make me see red when I have to listen to them for more than 10 minutes while waiting for my car to be fixed or sitting in an airport. I'd be much happier watching reruns of Gilligan's Island than hearing Ann Coulter being interviewed.

4. And then there's the group that's been spawned by the neocon talk shows that's sweeping the nation, the Tea Party. Seriously, people, put the white robes back on and get away from the cameras. You're embarrassing the rest of us who live here. The rest of the world hates us enough without hearing from the likes of Michele Bachmann.

5. Oh, and let's not forget reality TV. We can't claim the market on that- you lot brought us Big Brother, after all- but for fuck's sake, enough! Every time I happen across one of those shows I end up feeling that each and every person on there would be greatly improved by a cast iron skillet being applied to the backs of their heads by Venus Williams. Mediocrity, attention whoring and obnoxiousness should not be rewarded by paying them attention.

...hang on, I think I just described /talk...
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 22:39, 6 replies)
No smartphones in pubs!
First offence is a warning.
Second offence is a fine.
Third offence you gets you set upon by rabid badgers.

And anyone found to be using a smartphone to cheat at a pub quiz will be summarily executed.

I'm not some horrible fascist. Since I got a smartphone, I've been as guilty of this as anyone. And I'm afraid rabid badgers are the only way I'll learn.
(I've never cheated at a pub quiz, of course. Anyone who does this is a cad, a bounder and a rank bad hat. Shooting's just good enough for them.)

There are some exceptions of course:

1: Taking out your phone to answer an actual phone call is acceptable. Unless you've got a crazy frog or similar novelty ringtone. In which case: badgers.

2: Checking football results online is similarly excused, as this will ignite hearty conversations. This is only allowed on Saturdays, in a pub without a television or radio.

3: Using youtube videos to keep a small child amused whilst you drink.

4: Using a smartphone to find the way to the next bar, kebab house, strip club or taxi rank.

There are also some exceptions that work in the opposite direction: Offences so dire that you jump straight to rabid badgery, no matter how many blots you have in your metaphorical copybook.
These include:

1: Using a smartphone to put an abrupt stop to a promising round of pub-based bullshitting. Nobody's actually interested in how many caps Nobby Stiles got, damn it. The argument is the point!

2: Using a smartphone to check stocks. In any context. No arguments. Now shut the fuck up, finish your croissant and get out.

3: Posting to any social network whatsoever.

There you go. Simple, commonsense solutions for a blight that has plagued us for too long. And of course, building up business for my rabid badger dispensary. Cushy government contracts here I come!
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:39, 10 replies)

This question is now closed.

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