I keep a can of Corned Beef at the back of the larder "for emergencies".
If we ever have to open it and eat it, I'll know the apocalypse has arrived and it's almost time to pop a cap in to my kid's and my wife's heads before killing myself.

That is the only use for a tin of corned beef, isn't it?
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Thu 21 Jun 2012, 5:12, 6 replies)

No
Corned beef is also a handy way to lacerate your finger tendons, when you use the rationing-tastic key to unfurl the long strip of metal closing the tin and that strip then gets stuck halfway round, forcing you to yank the peeled section and flay off the remaining length. The metal strip then whorls inwards upon itself, forming a slim, razor-sharp corkscrew that bites into the flesh of your knuckles.

Corned beef was actually a secret weapon against the invading Axis powers; Britain's own pantry grenade.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 21 Jun 2012, 7:55, closed)

But they got us back with keys that break while trying to open tinned sardines
in a container that has very high lips thus making it seemingly impervious to can openers.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 21 Jun 2012, 9:04, closed)

Ah yes
Even when the key doesn't break, you have you pull so violently to detach the last centimetre of metal that you're virtually guaranteed to spray a geyser of fish-stench instant-stain oil on everything within a one-metre radius.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 21 Jun 2012, 9:30, closed)

^^Fucking THIS!^^
God that shits me. I open them in the sink, held at arms length, and at the very millisecond the lid lets go, it still mangages to spray flecks of oil and dead fish over me.
( Ken Oath, Thu 21 Jun 2012, 10:38, closed)

(they've swapped the first two bullets for blanks)
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 21 Jun 2012, 7:58, closed)

Now see Shambo
if it was believable that someone was prepared to cohabit with you let alone reproduce: that might be funny.
But they aren't, they wouldn't and it's not.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 21 Jun 2012, 9:45, closed)