Matt
Last year I got a pretty decent contracting job working for a large mobile supplier's (think oxygen!) technical support line. About 20 of us started on the same day - a great bunch, all bar one. Matt. Our training was an easy 2 weeks of extended lunches in the pub, playing games and messing with technology. Matt called in sick on day 3, from Wednesday to Monday as he was in a 'car accident'. We felt bad - we didn't know him - poor Matt. The following week it was flu, the week after it was dental problems, you get the idea.

About a month into the 'real' job (a real pisstake - boy was I sad when the contract ended!) and Matt just doesn't turn up for about 4 days. Doesn't ring in or anything. When he got back he said he'd needed to clear his head and went to Butlins, he didn't ring in because he didn't have international roaming on his mobile. This was Butlins in Skegness! We worked in Leeds! Lord above. Turns out he'd borrowed £60 off the boss and couldn’t afford to pay it back so he was laying low till payday.

The final straw came when he called in saying he was 'snowed in'. Now, it had been snowing, about half an inch or so, but he lived down the road from work and he sure as hell wasn't snowed in. Boss rings him and he modifies the story to 'I was visiting family in Kent and I got snowed in'. Unlucky. See my boss (who is from Kent) had driven up that very day. It wasn't snowing in Kent.

Three days later (no doubt heavily snowed in) and my boss goes round to his place to catch him out. He wasn't there. Hmm, was he telling the truth? Well..he turned up a few days later and was heard on the phone discussing his new house with his new landlord…he'd said he was snowed in for 3 days in sunny Kent to move house in Leeds. I mean, we had 20 days of paid holiday! Why lie!?

He then went missing for a good two weeks - no-one knew his address, he didn't answer his mobile, he couldn't be sacked though - he left on the first day saying he had 'family problems'. A week into his dissapearance he turned up to a party for the company (with free bar) and broke the party mood by announcing his wife had cancer (we weren't sure he actually had a wife, he kept saying her name wrong). He then dissapeared for another week or so and missed the two formal diciplinaries held in his abcence discussing his 'future with the company'.

Scarily he turned up midweek, sat at a free desk, logged into the systems and started to work. His pass was taken off him and he was asked to leave immidiately. I can still imagine his 'but what have I done wrong!' and 'I'll sue!' cries as he left.

Matt, wherever you are and whatever you are on (jobseekers in both these cases I suspect), you blew the best job you'll never turn up to when you had no need. I don't care in the end though. You were a fucking pervert and if you had stared at my tits one more time I'd have GIVEN your non-existent wife non-existent cancer. You cock.
(Northern Lovely, Thu 15 Jun 2006, 10:20, Reply)