Now known as "Psycho Bitch from Hell"
In a bid to try and drag this out of the quagmire of size related conversation... I shall chat about the complete nutter I ended up being mind-raped by.

To cut a long story short, because it went on for months, it's dull and I've forgotten lots and lots of it (ah... selective memory... mmm the subconscious is a wonderful self regulating (when working) tool) - I lived on a corridor with many other peeps in my first year of Uni. I was one of a few people who was left after all the popular guys and dolls had split into groups of smiley sexy people.
I ended up living with 2 ladies (I'm male, by the way). Not bad you might think. Well one was a bit of a munter, but one was a fox. Really. Ok she had a bit of extra weight and was tough (naturally stacked) but she had the most delicious curves and great pointy bits.
The only problem was she was in a very long term relationship, and the kind of girl who gets married asap.
Could have had something to do with her being Christian. They do those sorts of things.
I shall list a few interesting details, things that she'd told people had happened to her (why would you question them at the time... ?)
* Her brother had mental problems and had many many times tried to kill himself. She’d once resuscitated him after an overdose. He had also written things from the Devil when passed out.
* He regularly used to make attempts to break into her room and stab her. Hence the knife marks in her bedroom door at home and the Yale lock.
* He had accused their father of touching him and she had to give counter evidence in court.
* Her mother had miscarried all over the bathroom when she was 11 after telling her and her brother she wasn't pregnant, hence why she *CANT* bear lies or lying.
* Her mother never appreciated her and was always putting her down.
* The shower in halls was so hot one day that she passed out and hit her head, since which time she's had major headaches and some sort of blood clot in her brain. Almost death many times. And yet she’d never had any hair cut or shaved when she’d been in hospital.
* Her immune system isn't 'normal'. She has adrenalin pens in case she's goes into anaphylactic shock. She once got a blister from a new shoe, which turned into septicemia and if she hadn't have got to the doctors when she did... she would have been dead within a couple of days.
* Coupled to having no resistance against disease, her digestive system didn't work. She rarely ate anything but beans. And she could never fart. Or burp. Or shit properly.
* Through all this, she was a highly commended student.
* She could play God knows how many instruments.
* She'd written an Opera or Symphony or something that had been played in Austrailia.
* She was writing a novel about all the horrible things that had happened in her life. She already had a publisher who were just waiting for her to finish.
* She wrote regular articles for a certain Educational Supplement.
* She was a Christian, but one of those strange ones that does things on a Saturday.
* Even though she was gorgeous, she didn't think so. Often men would come onto her, but she didn't encourage them or flirt. It just happened. And girls would get very jealous. Many a time, men would sit next to her on the bus and try to kiss her for no reason.

Taking all those things together it's pretty clear what we're dealing with.

But I fell head over heals biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig time after being round her almost constantly in our house for many months.

After being off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off for ages until she dumped her long term bloke and after (I kid you not, it must have been hot and cold about 100 times), she dumped me for no particular reason.
Let me explain that this was after I'd been the first to take her to bed. Stupid feckin' twat that I am didn't have a certain handy little gadget with me but we couldn't wait. Yes I know now...
Not only did my seed cause her illness because her "body wasn't used to my germs", not only did her pill fail, not only did the morning after pill fail, not only did the lord provide that she conceive on her first go, but he decided that she could lose it along with the ensuing kidney infection. Lucky eh?

But the dumping. Spectacular. She loved me of course, but was off after some big shot at her church. Couldn't get enough of him. Literally. It was such a big step sleeping with me... So much so that even with their strong values and beliefs that forbade them doing even things like drinking the Devils brew, because it "takes you further from God", it didn't stop them bonking like weasles. Right above my head. For months. When I had my rather important exams. Even though I asked if she could do it at his house when I had my exams. After quitting for a while she started again the night before my first exam. Just under 50% for 3rd year of a masters. Not helpful in the long run.

Leaving a pile of tissues and a condom wrapper on top of a pile of rubbish in your bin isn't subtle. But it's helpful if your ex notices so that you can ask him "Why is it such a big deal to you" in a condescending but caring manner when he looks a little shaken.

She never asked me to my face to be an usher at her wedding, but left it in a letter. This was after weeks of hinting that she was getting engaged to Mr Would-be-Jesus-but-born-two-Millennia-too-late. Even putting her hand on my desk in front of me so I'd notice the ring. I didn't. Realised after though.

The last time I spoke to her, she was sobbing her little heart out and shaking out her duvet that my mates had cheerfully filled with crisps and cheese after my 21st.
I love them for that.

Over the months she's attempted many many times to get in contact with me. Mostly by text, the most recent ones stating how wrong and foolish she was and how great I am and how sorry she is. Due for one soon actually. The last email I got from her she said she wanted to make amends as she didn't have much time left. The head thing you know.

The bitch still isn't dead yet.

I apologise for nothing. You psychologists out there are likely thinking I haven’t got over it. In a way you is right. Never felt so down like that before. Managed to avoid happy pills, just. Since then have been out with two fantastic ladies. The first one when I was still living with the psycho. So good to see her face when she saw the gorgeous blonde I was seeing.

I never thought I’d ever say that I’d not be in the least bit sad to hear that someone I used to love had spontaneously combusted. With regards to the list up there near the top – she was and is a fucking liar.
But she loved the length. She was well dirty :)

Christ! Rant over. Well done for reading it. If you did. I break my recent lurkage in style.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 23 Nov 2006, 1:26, Reply)