Oh, God, The shame!
I once lied to an easy-going, Aussie diving-guide that I was a fully qualified diver, paid my hard-earned and set off on an all day trip to a remote archipelago to marvel at the wonders of the barrier reef.

You just suck your air in through a tube rather than from the atmosphere and then head for the surface when you run out, thought I. How hard can it be?

Surprisingly hard is the undeniable truth. The weight-belts were a mystery to me and I just couldn't submerge, dammit. The guide had had his beady eye on me after I'd leapt into the ocean like a drunken ballerina rather than sitting demurely on the side of the boat and plopping gently in backwards and, before I knew it he'd scooped me from the water and into a dinghy where he said bad, hurtful things to me.

I had to spend the rest of the day snorkelling and waiting in vain for a jellyfish to assault one of my fellow tourists who took turns to breach and tut at the moron in their midst. Poor, poor me.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Tue 8 Jun 2010, 15:42, 4 replies)

Reminds me of a Army trampolene visit to our Summer Fair
They bounced all over the place, easy peasy, I decided that I could do the same, cue bloody nose and loosened front teeth.

My GF was not impressed.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Tue 8 Jun 2010, 18:55, closed)

sorry happybara - but you're a twat for claiming you knew what you were doing. You were lucky not to kill yourself or endanger anyone else.

However I'm pleased you learned you lesson and enjoyed the snorkeling!
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Wed 9 Jun 2010, 12:47, closed)

Well, I was only a teenager
and I know better now. But fairplay, I am still a bit of a twat anyway.

PS Hated the snorkelling! Everyone else was diving and I was a total pariah for the whole day. FAR too embarrassed to enjoy the sexy fish, coral and whatnot.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 9 Jun 2010, 16:08, closed)