where to start? an extended trip through asia on a backpacker budget will give you plenty of these stories
roaches? check! Mossie nets with more holes than the albert hall? check! uninvited drunken scraggly hookers? check! bucket of cold water instead of a shower? check! Ice factory next door? check! mysterious smell of gravy? check!

but for consistensy, let me tell you about indonesia, now I don't know if it's like this all year round but I made the mistake of going there during ramadan, the big muslim holy month. During this period they chant prayers from the mosque, I say chant, they usually just mumble them in a relentless monotone or squeal like they have a corkscrew in their anus (because singing would be art and therefore a sin, or something) and then pipe the results through louspeaker mounted atop themosques minarets. They do this several times a day, starting around 4 or 5 in the morning.
And where were all of the guesthouses I stayed in?

That's right! Right next to a fucking mosque!

Every morning I was woken us by this bloody droning, what a joy it was. After a while I managed to get some earplugs, having lost my originals in the jungle.
They worked ok against mosques but there's something else commonly found near Indonesian guesthouses.
You see Indonesians really love cocks, they like nothing more than getting together in a barn and watching two large, upright, red tipped cocks thrusting and jabbing at each other, darting back and forth, each trying to get on top of the other until until finally one gets the upper hand and presses the other into submission, often using their specially sharpened talons.
Yes, that's right, the ancient sport of cock fighting is alive and well in Indonesia.
If you were brought up in the city like me you may not instantly be aware that cocks are the same thing as roosters and cockerels and are often employed as alarm clocks in rural areas because the fucking bastarding things get up at dawn and COCKADOODLEFUCKINGDOO all over the place. Only the ones in indonesia are clearly batshit crazy and while this may improve their prowess in the ring, it does nothing for their timekeeping abilities. These little cock knockers start their screeching as early as 3 am and continue until someone throws a well aimed brick and it gets dark out their so aiming is tricky.
Even in the cities there was at least a couple in any given neighboruhood ALL OVER THE FUCKING COUNTRY, even on the tiniest little island and the worst thing was THE EARPLUGS ZEY DO NOTHING , the high pitched screeches cut right through the earplugs and straight to my aural canal

the only solution was to drink some arak and get very, very stoned, which I managed despite border guards stamping "death to drug traffickers" on my passport in big red letters

length? about a foot and a half when erect
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Sun 20 Jan 2008, 12:46, 1 reply)

Welcome to
Indonesia.

Sucks mostly but gets better
( fagilliD Fuck I'm good!, Tue 22 Jan 2008, 9:12, closed)