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This is a question Dad Jokes

We want to know the lame jokes your Dad makes. E.g. On your mum putting the roast on the table, "All for me? What are you going to eat?" On writing you a cheque for 350, "Three pound fifty? That's cheap." - What are the frankly rubbish gags your dad cracks again and again? WARNING: If you become a dad you'll be doing this stuff too.

(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:09)
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kill me now
My Dad is a veritable fountain of crap jokes, crap sayings and crap poems. He's also faintly racist in that naive kind of way that only the post WW2 generation can be.
Some examples -
1.Upon hearing someone in a bar/restaurant dropping glasses or crockery -
"Sack the juggler!"

2. If someone in the room coughs -
"It's not the cough that carries you off
it's the coffin they carry you off in".

3. If out on a drive and he sees a hill (very frequent this one, he lives in Scotland) -
"On yonder hill there stood a coo,
it moved awa' it's no there noo".

4. If one is ever stupid enough, on getting past him in the hallway for instance, to utter the polite request "excuse me please" -
He will promptly lock you in a bear hug shouting "I thought you said SQUEEZE ME".

5. Upon sighting anyone of dark skinned ethnic origin -"Oooh, somebody's overdone it on the sun bed".

6.Anywhere with stuffed and mounted animal heads (lots of hotels in Scotland with deer heads above the fireplace) -
"It must have been going a helluva lick when it hit that wall!".

I love him but he's a pain in the arse.

I've been a father myself for over 18 years now, I've done my utmost not to turn into him. But - can I walk past a fishtank in a restaurant without pointing at the biggest and saying "I'll have that one"?
Can I like fu ck.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 10:21, closed)

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