Wiping my own arse
is a pleasure that I almost missed out on...

Once when I was a toddler, my mother was on the phone so I decided to occupy myself by grabbing a knife from the kitchen table and looking for somewhere to poke it. A plug in a live plug socket presented the ideal opportunity so I slide the knife between the plug and the socket. There was an almighty bang.

My mother came running and found me limp, lifeless and covered in black soot. She picked me up and ran into the neighbours house screaming "Is he dead? Is he dead?".

I wasn't as you've probably guessed.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 17:57, 2 replies)

lies
i think you were dead
( hygor gyrates with animatronic emptyness, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 18:03, closed)

I got to the "grabbing a knife" bit
and thought you were going to wipe your arse with it or something....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 8:33, closed)