Two for one. So, about a month after the previous story...
I'd decided that I was being a bit of a cunt, and it was time to lay off the booze a little bit, which meant no more Jagermeister chasers. I was in the pub with my friend Paul, enjoying a soft drink (Strongbow). I hadn't known the guy long, but he was already a good mate; I'm not entirely sure to this day if I was the bad influence on him or if he was on me. He was a bit of a liability at the best of times, and because of that on this particular day he was a bit bruised and tender. He'd tried picking up a mutual friend of ours the day before (in the literal sense), and she'd punched him a few times in various places. It later turned out she'd cracked one of his ribs.

"My cousin Jo's coming down in a few weeks; do you want to shag her?" he asked, out of the blue. I frowned. Even for him this was a little bit unexpected.

"Eh?" I asked.

"Oh, it's alright. I've shown her your picture and she said she's up for it," he told me. "She's down next weekend. I'll tell her you said yes."

Jo came down to visit and was a very pleasant girl. Not quite my type, but good fun and friendly enough. We went to the club that night, and a fun time was had. We got along quite well, and the "deal", such as it was, apparently wasn't needed. She stayed at mine that night, whilst Paul had sloped off with another girl from the club. As all of her stuff was in Paul's flat, the next morning (well, lunchtime) I took her out for breakfast at our local pub. It did a mean all day breakfast. I fired off a text to Paul to let him know where we'd be. He told us he'd just woken up, but would be down in the next half hour.

We made small talk, did the slightly awkward morning-after getting to know each other dance over a couple of actual soft drinks. Everything was going quite well. Both of us were surprised to notice that an hour had passed, and that Paul hadn't turned up. I fired him off another text; he'd fallen asleep standing up in the shower. He'd be down in the next half hour.

My housemate, Bobby, made it to the pub first, having only worked a morning shift. He got a round of drinks in and plonked himself down at the table. He hadn't been out with us the night before, and didn't know that I'd just spent the night with Jo. So, of course, he commenced operation cockblocking bastard, as per usual...

...and told the bacon sandwich story. Then he rounded it off by adding that "Noctu has shit taste in women."

Thanks mate. Thate.

When Paul finally arrived he told us about how the girl he'd taken home had left shortly after getting back to his flat, after having locked herself in the bathroom for half an hour. She'd walked in and seen Jo's clothes strewn all over the floor, a handbag and pair of shoes dead in the middle of the room. Apparently she didn't seem entirely convinced by Paul's explanation of a cousin who'd only come down to visit to fuck his mate and was conveniently nowhere to be seen. She stayed, but when they started to get a little bit frisky and she ran her hands up his back he flinched. Every time she touched him, he flinched, what with the bruises and broken ribs. She excused herself and went into his bathroom, only to find Jo's makeup. She locked herself in for half an hour. Through the door, he could hear her having a frantic phone conversation with her friend about how the guy she'd hooked up with was a "freaky gay transvestite" and she was scared.

Paul never saw her again, and strangely Jo never came to visit again either.
( gone, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 23:01, Reply)