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This is a question The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

So, Television is a hot bed of lies, deceit and made up competitions. We can't say that we are that surprised... every job is full of this stuff. It's not like the newspapers currently kicking TV whilst it is down are all that innocent.

We'd like you to even things out a bit. Spill the beans on your own trade. Tell us the dirty secrets that the public need to know.

(, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 10:31)
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By Popular Demand, Funeral Directors Stories - Part 2.
During my tenure at the funeral directors I was also privvy to the following terrible and shameful events.

1) The funeral of a local civic dignitary where the bereaved relatives had requested that 'Jerusalem' sung by Kings College Choir be played during the commital to the flames.
The task of sourcing the music was given to the rookie, who - unable to find a copy of Jerusalem, had decided to substitute a 'similar song'.
It was for this reason that the dearly departed's coffin sailed through the curtain to the sound of "Achy, Breaky Heart" by Billy-Ray Cyrus, the deceased having died from a coronary

2) There was an occasion when the driver of the hearse containing the coffin saw his car driven by a car thief go through the lights ahead of him. Cue a wild 'Starsky and Hutch' style chase through the streets with a 1989 Vauxhall Cavalier being chased by a coffin-bearing 1998 Ford Scorpio Hearse.
As he rounded a particularly tight bend, tooting his horn for all he was worth, the coffin slid back, hit the boot door, opening it and shot out of the back like a cork from a champagne bottle, straight through the window of a branch of Phones4U, much to the chagrin of its staff.

3) During one funeral at the local crematorium, the head funeral director slipped behind the main curtain (which opens for the coffin to slide through at the comittal to the flames) and disappeared.
Imagine the horror of the collected mourners when the curtains opened to reveal him being expertly fellated by one of the crematorium staff! By the look on his face he was within a hair's breadth of the vinegar strokes, his face contorted into a mix of ecstacy and anguish which changed to horror when he noticed his newly acquired audience.
Of course he was too far gone to stop now, and in full view of the crowd uttered a groan of pleasure of which Peter North would've been proud.
(, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 19:31, closed)

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