I've been debating faking something.
And I bet I could get away with it too.

Back when I was in engineering school and finishing my senior year, I was working for Zee Germanss in the semiconductor plant, working the night shift and trying to do classes in the day. This meant that I was always tired and generally not very organized.

So when it came time to fill in paperwork for graduation, I was a few days late in turning it in. The middle aged battle axe that I had to hand it to scolded me and informed me that I would have my diploma mailed to me instead of receiving it at the ceremony. I waved her fussing aside- as long as I get the damn thing, I really don't care about the details.

I go to graduation. No walking across the stage- they tell our section to stand up, they wave their arms, we sit down as graduates. Whooptie-fucking-doo.

A couple of weeks later I get a large flat envelope in the mail. About time, I think as I open it up. With a satisfied smile I read "The Resident Loon has completed the requirements and holds the degree of Bachelors of Social Work-"

Social Work? Social Work?!? I slaved through more than four years of engineering classes, only to get a degree in Social Work?

I steamed back down there and showed it to the simian troll, who scowled and informed me it would be an additional eight weeks before I got my proper diploma. I informed her that their rectal cranial inversion was not my problem and that I had better get the goddam thing faster than that.

Ultimately I got the proper diploma, of course, and it now hangs on my wall at home.

And right below it hangs my diploma for Social Work.

It's appropriate somehow- I mean, during my time at college I went through a rather bloody divorce and child custody case, and had to talk my kids down after the ex's friends saw fit to tell them what a horrible person I was and told them a load of lies. I spent more time counseling my kids than I did on coursework, to be honest. I earned that degree in blood.

The thing is, though, if you have a genuine diploma with your name on it, you have the degree. So even though I never attended a social work class in my life, I could go into practice.

You lot all know what I'm like- somewhat caustic and blunt, evil sense of humor, excellent at fucking with peoples' heads. What do you think- should I start counseling people?

EDIT: You know, I can just see it now...

*couple sitting on couch, Loon sitting opposite in a chair*

Woman: I just don't have the energy at night for sex. I come home from work and make dinner, and then I'm just too worn out- but he keeps demanding that we have sex at least once a week! He's being completely unreasonable!

Loon: I hear what you're saying. And yet I can't help but wonder- he works full-time as well. How energetic do you think he feels when he gets home? And yet he's trying to make the time and energy for you.

Woman: But-

Loon: And I can't imagine it's any great picnic for him to have sex with someone who's so low-energy that she does a convincing imitation of a sack of potatoes.

Man: He has a point, you know...

Loon: And yet you stay married to him? Why?

Woman: Now wait just a goddam minute-

Loon: Put it to you this way- do you have a problem with him going outside of the marriage for sex? Because that's the way it's headed, you know. You can have low libido if you wish, or you can have marital fidelity- but you can't have both. Which will it be? Put out, welcome the mistress or cut him loose?

*Woman makes fizzing noises before she asplodes*

I bet I could make a lot more happy people. Or at least a lot more sexing...

EDIT 2: I put this in replies, but I kinda like it...

*Sullen teenager sprawled on a couch, anxious mother sitting in chair, Loon sitting opposite*

Mother: He's refusing to go to school- he just wants to sit at home and play video games and watch those awful movies all night!

Loon: I see... Tell me, kid, have you ever gone into a McDonald's and seen middle aged people working behind the counter? Yes? Well, did you ever wonder how they ended up there? I mean, it's not like a kid dreams of making Big Macs when he grows up. That comes from not being willing to graduate from school, so you only have a very few choices left in life. Or maybe you could try for the glamorous life of a janitor.

Teen: You don't understand me-

Loon: Oh, I understand you just fine. I understand that you're a self-centered and spoiled brat who whines all day on Facebook- yes, I've seen your page there. Stop being a lazy-ass punk, wash the eyeliner off, give your sister back her jeans and get your ass to school.

Teen: But-

Loon: No buts about it. Think you parents are going to let you live in their basement forever? Why would they? They have a right to a decent life without you dragging them down. Start learning to take care of your own shit and stop blaming everyone else for your problems. And while you're at it, get a haircut- it looks like your mother fucked an orangutan.

*Mother and son both start to blue-screen*
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 10 Jul 2008, 19:30, 6 replies)

I think
your devilish good looks and cheeky smile would make up for any amount of head fucking.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 19:36, closed)

Oh, I dunno.
When the divorce rate skyrockets and the number of bitter-as-fuck, agenda-of-doom man-hating middle-aged bog trolls suddenly spikes in this city, they might decide to bar me from the practice...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 10 Jul 2008, 19:55, closed)

Soooo many possibilities for fun.
And you do like to cause mischief.
( girlinthehole, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 19:59, closed)

I think you should
with one small proviso ... no make that two:

1 You post transcripts of the sessions for our amusement
2 You stay the hell away from me!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 10 Jul 2008, 20:18, closed)

@ BGB:That I do.
*Sullen teenager sprawled on a couch, anxious mother sitting in chair, Loon sitting opposite*

Mother: He's refusing to go to school- he just wants to sit at home and play video games and watch those awful movies all night!

Loon: I see... Tell me, kid, have you ever gone into a McDonald's and seen middle aged people working behind the counter? Yes? Well, did you ever wonder how they ended up there? I mean, it's not like a kid dreams of making Big Macs when he grows up. That comes from not being willing to graduate from school, so you only have a very few choices left in life. Or maybe you could try for the glamorous life of a janitor.

Teen: You don't understand me-

Loon: Oh, I understand you just fine. I understand that you're a self-centered and spoiled brat who whines all day on Facebook- yes, I've seen your page there. Stop being a lazy-ass punk, wash the eyeliner off, give your sister back her jeans and get your ass to school.

Teen: But-

Loon: No buts about it. Think you parents are going to let you live in their basement forever? Why would they? They have a right to a decent life without you dragging them down. Start learning to take care of your own shit and stop blaming everyone else for your problems. And while you're at it, get a haircut- it looks like your mother fucked an orangutan.

*Mother and son both start to blue-screen*
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 10 Jul 2008, 20:19, closed)

Brilliant
Me and the wife will be over for a session next week.

Ta everso!
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 21:11, closed)