Revenge
Everybody in my family hates each other, and they tend to wreak revenge upon their kin by making sure that funerals are as shit as possible.

Think about it - the ultimate test of how popular and loved a person is is how many people attend their funeral, and how the service reflects what sort of person they were. My mother in particular is a dab hand at making sure a person's funeral is the exact opposite of what they would have wanted, and not telling anyone about it so that nobody turns up.

She's organised orthodox Jewish services for atheists, shit music (slow movement of Mahler 5 played on the hammond organ, anyone?), made sure nobody is allowed to get up and make any speeches about how great the person was or anything, and not invited anyone on the premise that "we don't want any fuss".

Last year, a girl in my office died and over 1,000 people attended the funeral. I suddenly realised that if I were to kick the bucket tomorrow, I'd be lucky to have ten people at mine. Therefore I have handed the responsibility for organising my funeral over to my best friend, who actually loves me. This is what I want:

* Thousands of people. Pay them if necessary.

* Forget all that shit about people not being sad when you're gone. I want them all to be bloody miserable.

* Having said that, a funeral should be a celebration of one's life and there should be lots of speeches about how great I was.

* Loads of great music, probably an eclectic mix of highbrow classical and cheesy upbeat rock. Definitely no hymns - can't be doing with congregations mumbling Anglican durge.

* Everybody will have to dress up in bright colours...except attractive young men, who will have to wear dinner jackets and bow ties. I fully intend to indulge my fetish for fit blokes in DJs from beyond the grave.

* There should be some proper debauchery afterwards.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 12 May 2006, 10:11, Reply)