Ma-ma Mi-a!
No, not the sing-a-long cinematic atrocity about female bonding, but the utterance of a group of Italian businessmen in the automotive industry who'd collectively realised they'd been blessed with outrageous luck that continues to make them filthy rich. You think I’m joking? In spite of calamities of comedic proportions, the Italian car industry still manages to keep its executives in cashmere suits. How? Well I put it to divine intervention.

Everyone who’s ever owned an Italian car knows of the Great God of Italian Cars, who’ll randomly piss in the fusebox of every third newborn car on the production line, cursing it with inexplicable and hugely expensive electrical problems for the rest of its life. Meanwhile, in reciprocal arrangement the Italian car industry is so blessed that they’ll never go out of business no matter how many woof-woofs roll off the production lines.

You want examples of such calamity? Okay...

Thirty odd years ago, one clever chap said thus:

“We sell-a da Russians da Fiat 128, in ex-a-change for shed-a-loads of cheap-a Sov-iet steel!”

Everyone agreed enthusiastically, including a sober suited gentleman with busy eyebrows and a hammer and sickle lapel badge. Then they all fucked off for tortellini and wine, borscht and vodka.

Sure enough, the Italians moved an entire state of the art factory virtually brick by brick to the Soviet Union and taught the Russians how to build cars. The Russians themselves re-engineered the fragile Fiat 128, beefing it up until it was sturdy enough to be repairable by the roadside with a hammer, before thoughtfully exchanging the “Fiat” badge for one that read “Lada”. The subsequent Ladas rolled out of a factory on the Volga river and even managed to export a few to Western Europe and Canada.

Meanwhile the Italians eagerly awaited their shipments of dirt cheap Soviet steel.

The steel arrived.

The welding commenced.

The cars were sold at huge profit.

Then something strange happened. Six month old Alfa Romeos, Fiats and Lancias started to disintegrate into gritty ferrous piles before their owners now somewhat watery eyes. Indeed, a few were apparently suffering from terminal rot as they were trailered to the dealers, fresh from the ferry.

Billions of lira were spent on warranty claims, yet ten years later Fiat, Alfa Romeo and Lancia were still alive and cocking it up gloriously.

How? Well ten years later, an executive with Alfa Romeo experienced a brainwave of epic proportions.

"We go-a into da bus-i-ness with da Nissan. The Japanese know-a how da maka da cars" said one

The others sagely nodded. It was genius, it really was. No-one knew more about making beautiful cars with character and personality than the Italians, especially Alfa Romeo. On the other side of the bargain, the Japanese could mass produce cars with the innate reliability of a Swiss watch, for not a great deal of money. Sure enough, the bolognese was washed down with Sake amidst some backslapping.

You’ve probably already worked out the way to produce the Best Car in the World by now. Even a seven year old child could work it all out.

But you’d be very wrong.

For reasons that no-one – not even the Italians themselves – can understand, the Japanese were put in control of the styling and ergonomics. Meanwhile, the Italians were given the responsibility of not all the oily bits but also assembling the resulting unholy creation.

This was the frankly gopping result.

Minging isn’t it? It was in production for a whole three years before anyone noticed how monumentally awful it was.

Even so, thanks to the Great God of Italian cars, the Italian car today industry contributes 8.5% of Italy’s GDP and employs some 250,000 people. The current chairman of Fiat, Alfa, Lancia, Ferrari and Maserati is a multi-multi millionaire and is linked with a possible bid for the Italian premiership.

At the same time in Britain, the vast state owned Leyland Cars, comprising of Austin, Rover, Morris and Jaguar, together employing some 250,000 people at its' peak, was churning out some real bow wows too. The period 1970 to 2004 saw Rover's - nee British Leyland - market share shrink from 40% to a paltry 6%. Today, the Chinese owned car plant at Longbridge, Birmingham will recommence production for the first time since 2005.

Today, Britain's largest remaining domestically owned vehicle manufacturer is probably Caterham Cars, which produced 430 vehicles in 2003.

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 1 Aug 2008, 15:50, 10 replies)

And yet, and yet...
I'm on the list for the Alfa MiTo...

PS: Your link links back to your post!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 15:56, closed)

*click*
for first chuckle of this QOTW.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 15:57, closed)

Your link is a bit squiffy....
The b3ta bit has tacked its way to the front.

But yeah it is surprising!

Hitting back for the Brits though there are an estimated 600 Morris Marinas still on the roads, a depreciation of only 35,000 a year...

Wait what was my point?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 15:59, closed)

@DiT
I've fixed the link "For the want of a hash symbol...". Still, it saved your eyes from the aesthetic crime that is an Arna.

As for Alfa Romeos, I love them. I really do. I would and I have bought another.

*Looks at Brera*

*Drools*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 1 Aug 2008, 16:00, closed)

Oh God...
How on Earth did anyone at Alfa think that was a good idea.

I love the Brera. In fact, I'm a big fan of the entire Alfa range. When I first saw the 8c I nearly wept at its beauty.

And then I decided to get a GT. I test drove one 2 weeks ago. And then I went to the Motor Show and sat in a MiTo. It's a great little car. So I put my name down for one, pending a test drive on release. 1.6L JTD with a straight 6 gearbox developing 120bhp in a car that weighs 3 grams. I just hope it doesn't hurt me in the way that Alfas tend to hurt alfa owners.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 16:12, closed)

Good points!
I have the same argument with my sister and nieces. They've all bought a shitload of Fiats over the years, and I haven't a clue why.

A mate of mine bought a brand new Fiat Punto around 12 years ago. Meanwhile I had a 6 year old Vauxhall Nova. My Nova went into the garage once a year for a service and MOT with no problems at all, while his new Punto was back in 5 times in the first year. The doors wouldn't close or some such bollocks.

How have they got away with it for so long?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 1 Aug 2008, 16:15, closed)

ah, the Arna;
also known as the "cherry europe" when rebadged and sold by nissan... punters thought they'd get the performance of an alfa and the reliability of a nissan..

all i can say is oops.
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 16:39, closed)

Just a thought...
'Today, Britain's largest remaining domestically owned vehicle manufacturer is probably Caterham Cars, which produced 430 vehicles in 2003.'

Surely LTI make more black cabs than that in a year?
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 8:53, closed)

LT1
You could well be right, they produce between 2000-2500 taxis a year and are not foreign owned.

But they're hardly a car company in the same way as Caterham.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 4 Aug 2008, 11:46, closed)

At a previous job
we had a pool car that was a Fiat ... (can't remeber the model now off the top of my head). The electrics were totally fucked on it. One day a colleague had to drive it back from a meeting (about 40 miles) with the wipers going full pelt, water squirting constantly on the wndscreen, and the alarm blaring all the way. it was a sunny day. Then the washers ran out of water, and he ended up with dead flies smeared all over the windscreen.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 16:19, closed)